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Thread: Can a person really change?

  1. #1
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    Can a person really change?

    Long story short. My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years. Over the three years i have called her out on being rude and disrespectful to me. I have broke up with her a couple times over the issue. After each break up she apologizes and we make up. We recently had and incident where i felt she was being rude and disrespectful again, so i broke it off. Shes had a bad past with her previous relationships and her childhood. She claims that's why she acts the way she does sometimes. She reached out to me again and claimed that she got a counselor and is really trying to work on things. should i trust her this time, or just move on with my life and find someone we meets my needs. can a person really change?

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You can't bank a relationship on one person changing, especially when it's been on and off. It's not about her being rude, it's about you and her being obviously completely incompatible and that's not going to change. Basically, what you deem rude and disrespectful, another guy might not even notice as such. She needs to find her tribe and where she fits and you need to find a woman who operates naturally on your wavelength.

    When it's this difficult, it's time to part ways and stay parted. It won't get any easier going forward because in the long run, people cannot and do not fundamentally change their core personality.

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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    You can't bank a relationship on one person changing, especially when it's been on and off. It's not about her being rude, it's about you and her being obviously completely incompatible and that's not going to change. Basically, what you deem rude and disrespectful, another guy might not even notice as such. She needs to find her tribe and where she fits and you need to find a woman who operates naturally on your wavelength.

    When it's this difficult, it's time to part ways and stay parted. It won't get any easier going forward because in the long run, people cannot and do not fundamentally change their core personality.
    i like that.. " acts naturally on my wave length"... when i say rude and disrespectful what i mean is...sometimes cursing at me... sometimes raising her voice and other times resenting me without communicating whats hurting her.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't think it's fair for you to expect her to change. Breaking up with someone out of exasperation isn't a good idea either. It just twists an already convoluted and heated situation into something worse and the expectations for someone to change hangs like an ultimatum. It's unrealistic and unfair to both of you.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Either stay with her or break up with her... the "come here / go away" approach isn't healthy for either of you.

    At the end of the day, people can change... it's a great deal of hard work and persistence on the part of the person doing the changing, and requires a great deal of empathy, tolerance and patience from the person who is supporting the change. It's up to you as to whether you decide to wait this out or whether you see this as a deal breaker... personally I don't have time and patience anymore to support someone through changing a behavior that I find hurtful and demeaning so I would see it as a deal breaker.

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Tell to maybe come back after a few years of therapy. If you are available. But for now you are done.

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    Change takes time, not a few weeks or months. The main problem is, is that she does not respect you. This will never change.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. On/off relationships are generally rude and disrespectful in nature. There is too much chronically unresolved conflict. Dumping her as punishment all the time is rude and disrespectful also. Try to get along, get the egos out of the way...or stay broken up. It's devolved into a power struggle spiced with hop back in the sack.
    Originally Posted by Sixersfan234
    I have broke up with her a couple times over the issue. After each break up she apologizes and we make up. We recently had and incident where i felt she was being rude and disrespectful again, so i broke it off.

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    I don't think I break up with her to punish her, I genuinely break up with her, because in that moment I don't want to be with her anymore.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Sixersfan234
    I don't think I break up with her to punish her, I genuinely break up with her, because in that moment I don't want to be with her anymore.
    This is a bit impulsive. Think longer range.

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