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Thread: Unsure of what to do. Mixed signals?

  1. #1
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    Unsure of what to do. Mixed signals?

    I've been a lurker of this forum for about 4 months, and this was the best source of help for me and coping when I was in the deepest rut of my life after my breakup. Often gathering bits and pieces from this site of what to do, and using them in my current relationship.

    Well, for starters. We broke up around 4 months ago. 3 weeks from now would've been 5 years of being together. I will conclude as much as I can without writing an essay, just so I can give as much detail as possible.

    We had a great relationship but complacency got in the way after 3ish years. Started dating when she was 16 and I was 18. We both got comfortable over time, and I stopped courting her. Even though we saw each other every day and still had nightly/weekend dinners/movie dates. We eventually pushed all of our friends away due to drama, and the reason she broke up with me initially was because I got jealous she started to see her friends more than me and she was having fun without me (her words). In the end, not having respectable space and depending on each other was the downfall of our relationship.

    We did have a very close and connected relationship, and still do to some extent. We have both met our extended families and know each other's lives inside and out. And we, to this day, have one of the strongest emotional bonds that even her family members often mention they envy.

    But the dreaded happened. It was somewhat of a nasty breakup that included me showing up at her house, knocking on her window, calling her at 2 AM 10-12 times every night, and constantly calling her family members to check up on her for weeks. It was some of the darkest times of my life to be honest, and I was an emotional girl about it. Only because we were so close and I felt her pulling away, but now, I have gotten over the depression/loss and now accept that sometimes things happen that you can't prevent. It took the breakup to make me realize we need to have space apart and see friends and I understand I was a total stalker right after she ended things.

    At first, we were very distant. We both turned to friends and spent time apart and had fun on our own. She has her group she hangs out with and I have mine. We did not speak much and when we did, it was usually very tense. But deep down I still knew feelings were there from both sides, mainly because neither one of us cut contact. She had always replied to me when I would reach out, and we maybe saw each other every 3-4 days, distant texting, little to no contact and often initiated by me. It was the usual for about a month-month and a half. I caught her talking to her own ex from many years ago, but I know there is no competition, and that she was just trying to fill a void (he doesn't even live in this country). I, myself, even went on a date with a close friend's sister that was a really great woman but deep down I knew I wanted my ex and I didn't pursue much longer since I still had feelings for my ex and did not want to lead this other woman on, and my ex was really pissed when she found out about the date (which I did not tell her, she found it snooping in my phone)

    After about a month and a half, I turned my focus to the gym and my job. I ended up distancing myself from being the one that initiates to being the one that recieves. I stopped calling/texting and left/leave it up to her strictly now, which usually turns into us hanging out (and sex, but not often). After around two months, I find her calling almost everyday, and checking up on me/venting to me about her problems just like before we broke up (Which I almost anticipated she would eventually do), which means a lot to me considering she has many other friends to talk to besides me. But it took about two months for that to happen. I kept myself busy with work and fishing/working out and I don't know if she started calling because she felt I was moving on or simply because she missed my attention or both.

    Now it seems almost like our relationship is somewhat back to the origins, but I have actually brought up a couple times becoming exclusive, but not bombarding it with her. I know we are both not ready, and I have only asked outright once. She agreed she is not ready. I really do feel like i'm doing the "two steps foward, one step backward" dance here. Which I am perfectly okay with.

    There have been some instances where I have slipped up and became what I call "too much", such as her catching me snooping through her phone, and confronting her about some things due to my emotions overriding me, but I have gotten to the point where I would prefer to not know, and thus I have overall stopped searching. Simply because it does not help our situation either way.

    Long story short: We broke up nearly 4 months ago, and the first 2 months were devastating, and included more distance than I liked, but it felt necessary. Now, we speak almost every day, and still see each other, slowly starting kissing again and taking baby steps so far.

    My question is, does this seem like the right path to reconciliation? Or does this seem like the path to being friendzoned? I flirt in a very good manner whenever possible, and I try my best to treat her like a lover whenever possible, but I do not overdue it. I feel like I have personally given her every reason in the book to completely block me and cut contact due to my number of slip-ups these past few months, but she still sees the desire deep-down to message me and want to do things almost daily again. I know It sounds cocky, but I am what I would consider an attractive male, and I am very "real" in a sense of humor and honesty, and the breakup kickstarted me into working on myself and becoming a good catch, and I am proud of myself in the terms of how far i've come from where I was. I just don't know what her intentions are. I have not asked her, but yet I avoid bringing up the past at all costs and try to focus on the present.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    My guess is this isn't too stable to start anything new on. What's done is done and you haven't really worked out your issues if you're still checking her phone or finding ways to snoop or control her. Rekindling a romance is a bad idea between the both of you. She should be moving on also and not giving you false hope. There is such a thing as a bad mix and both of you aren't good together.

    If you're both lucky you'll remain friends only but it'll hurt you in the long run. You're both preventing each other from truly moving on and growing into better versions of yourselves. My advice is to cut ties and have the courage to grow independently. You should work on your control issues in relationships and stay away from partners who aren't able to share themselves with you or with whom you are not compatible with. Don't hang around women who bring out the worst in you.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    A couple things are likely going on here. You admitted your stalker like/controlling behavior and she's waiting to see if you can hold on without gripping too tightly and going back to your old ways.

    Secondly . .and very likely, is you are allowing her to slowly wean herself from you. You are in this perpetual limbo stage and she can move in or move out on her terms.

    There isn't a lot of motivation to reconcile seeing she can have access to you at a reduced capacity.
    I don't have a crystal ball and I don't know what her motivation is. It's up to you how long you want to do things on her terms and hope that it turns things around.

    Personally, limbo isn't a good place for me. I'd wish her well and work on moving on. I'd let her know that if at any time she figures out what she wants, she knows where to find you.

  4. #4
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    Update:

    Well guys, its at the end of the road for me on this one.

    After nearly 4 months of me being an emotional mess and trying to fix myself and doing good for awhile and suddenly slipping up again, and periods of NC and LC, I messaged her yesterday after 5 days of NC asking about a gift for a wedding we are both going to of a mutual friend's, and asked if she would maybe want to grab some breakfast monday at our typical go-to spot and go pick up their wedding present.
    Instead, she told me maybe, and then 6 hours later at 12:40 am, she texted me out of the blue, saying that she did not think it was a good idea to see me monday, and that she is currently seeing/talking to someone and does not think it would help her to see me, etc. and that I should please understand her and she doesn't want to fight anymore and she has felt the best she has in a long time. And if I can't be understanding then I will be blocked.
    I replied pretty simple. Don't really regret what I said, I told her that I understood what she is saying, and that regardless, I love her, and want her to be happy and pursue what she feels she deserves in life, and told her that I knew I was "too-much" after the breakup.

    She only replied with "see you at the wedding" which is in 7 days.

    I lost myself minutes after. It was the first time I had cried in months, and honestly, it wasn't out of sadness or anger, but more so on the weight and pressure finally being lifted from me. The agonizing days I endured on trying to pressure myself to change, and the late nights I spent drinking and reading self love books in a depressive state, and constantly being in a sick and worried mindset worrying about her, finally came to an end last night.

    I blame myself, for the majority of this. I knew I should've done NC from the very beginning when she asked for a break. Instead, I tainted the picture of myself in her eyes, I let my true colors show not just to her but her whole family. Years of insecurity and self doubt poured onto the table for a matter of weeks and for the first time in my life, I contimplated suicide.
    It was hard. It was so hard accepting that she was pulling away. But at the same time, I feel like if I might've pulled away more effectively, we wouldn't be here right now, apart. She started to come back about 2 months post breakup after LC, and started calling me daily and wanting to see me, and I messed it all up by slipping up.

    This was definitly the hardest time of my life. I spent the last 5 years emotionally investing in this girl, only to have her pull away and go back to her ex boyfriend from middle school. Yes.. Middle school...

    I believe in reconcilations, but having the minor doubts I am right now, she would have to travel through hell and high water to even have me consider it. As tough and embarassing it is for me to say that. She was 16 when we first started dating. I was 18. She missed out on a lot of her teenage years because I was busy locking her down in a commitment. I understand her situation, 100%, but at the same time, to break up with me due to missing out on good times, only to go back to the same group of people you hung out with in middle school that do nothing but party and drink/drive, and on top of that, getting back with your ex boyfriend from middle school, to me, that is a huge fall back from the commitment and loyalty I have promised her all these years.

    I have always been a loving, and deeply investing man, and because of that, I fall very hard for ones I love. Always. I have never been the dumper in all of my relationships, only the dumpee. Because I was raised in a loving home with parents that have been married for 28 years, and I was taught to fix something instead of throwing it away. Though our relationship had a couple ups and downs, nothing ever this big. At the end of the day, I feel as if I gave her 110% as often as I could, and though I would like to think we had equal say in things, she was the stubborn one who did not like anything but her way, which I often put up with. I did absolutely everything to keep her satisfied, while satisfying myself, and I know deep down everything I did for her and the way I tried, cannot be replaced. She helped me grow as a man, and taught me many things. The breakup, unfortunately, was the worst lesson.

    Ironically enough, as if the stars aligned, at 2:40 AM that same night my ex told me she was seeing someone else, an awesome woman I had taken on a date a month after being broken up with (it was a friend's sister who knew I was out of a breakup), randomly called me for the first time in weeks. We talked until 5:02 AM and it was amazing. She had had a few drinks (but wasn't drunk) and told me she thought I was an awesome guy and really wanted to go on another date this Friday. I do not want to rush into things, so baby steps from here on out, but she is an awesome girl who is showing some interest in me, so I will see where it goes. Im still coping with myself and learning how to accept how things are while improving my life, so I feel zero need to rush into anything right now. It is just weird how the universe works.

    If anything happens regarding my ex, this forum will be the first place I come. Though, I do not expect much to happen anytime soon. I wish everyone the best, and please don't make the same mistakes I did trying to beg/plea. My biggest regret was not going straight NC. Instead, I made mistakes I wish I never have after our breakup.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You are doing the right things getting yourself together etc. However No contact to clear your head would bean improvement over wishy-washy vague or confusing contact. There is no such thing as "mixed signals". There is clear cut interest...or not. You or she may have mixed feelings about the breakup and that can obscure truths. That is why the "low contact" thing appears to be mixed signals.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I dont think you should be so hard on yourself.

    Statistically young relationships that begin in our teens rarely last a life time.

    Teenage years through young adulthood people mature and change exponentially. Ending up at the same place 5 years later is rare.

    This is a time to be kind to yourself.

    I understand the temptation to forensically discect what went wrong and place blame.

    But from here it seems you were two good people who as nature would have it, grew up and found themselves in different places.

  8. #7
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    Thank you both for the positive reinforcement. I am doing 10x better now that I was first week of the breakup. I couldn't eat or sleep for days, lost any and all remaining motivation I had left and nearly lost my job. Literally the only thing that kept me going was Corey Wayne's videos about being a man with a mission and finding your purpose in life instead of focusing on chasing a relationship, and it really helped me through my darkest times 4 months ago.

    I feel like I have "risen up from the grave" so to speak. It truly does feel like a weight has been lifted and I can properly move on, almost a new sense of freedom has arrived. I am single now, make decent money, and finally have all the free time I have to myself to go lift weights, fish, and work on things around the house without worrying about satisfying anyone except myself.

    I really do think she made the mistake of jumping into another relationship after nearly 5 years, but I do wish her the best. The worst part for me now is missing her family. Her 11 year old sister I have watched grow up, and her sister's son who just turned 1 and they refer to me as "Uncle T", and her step brother that is my age and loves me like a brother, thats the hardest part for me now, accepting I may never see them again.

    I messaged her mother and stepfather, who I was really close to, today about possibly meeting up for lunch soon, and told them I was doing really well and would love to see them soon, and her mother automatically assumed I was wanting to talk about my ex, aka her daughter, when I simply just miss what feels like my second family and wanted to get lunch with them. That hit me pretty hard. I guess its time to just move on from everyone completely. After financially helping them when they needed it and didn't ask me, and helping them with all their car problems over the years and being there 24/7 for them, and bending over backwards for them (because I loved them like family), they almost seem fine without me in the picture. I only have myself to blame as the last memory everyone has of me, is when I showed up at their door a complete emotional mess and crying like a little girl.

    I enjoy coming on this forum to vent about these kind of things, because I feel like I wore my friends out. But now that I am over things to a bigger degree, it seems to have really painted a bigger perspective on how things went down. I thank everyone for the responses and will keep everyone updated in the future if or when she reaches back out, but like I said, I don't really care for her to or expect it at this moment in time.


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