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Thread: Age gap 20F and 31M.. any advice for sex life and memory gaps?

  1. #1

    Age gap 20F and 31M.. any advice for sex life and memory gaps?

    I can't believe I'm writing to the internet about this, but I feel so alone right now. I am in a 11-12 year age gap relationship with my boyfriend. He's starting to experience symptoms of low T or maybe even mild ED. It's deeply affecting our sex life and my happiness in the relationship, but I know it's out of his control. He's made a doctors appointment, but I don't know how to cope with this. Not something I envisioned dealing with as a sophomore in college.. advice?

    Also, I struggle a lot feeling like I missed out on his "golden years." We both met at a rave when I was 18, we've been together for 2 years, and i always hear his friends bring up their EDC or wild rave experiences from 2012-2015ish. How the music was so much better, and how raving/edm isn't the same. I see it in his face that he agrees even though he tells me he doesn't. He doesn't care to rave as much now that he's older. I feel like all his best memories happened before me and he lived his fun, wild life and now he just doesn't care for much. We still have so much in common, but I constantly feel like I've been left behind. I hate feeling like I wish I had a time machine so I could have been there all those years ago.. How do you get over these things being in a big age gap with someone you love?

    This is honestly more than I could have ever expected, and it feels like it just keeps getting harder. By no means, is breaking up an options, but if anyone has been in a similar position, any advice would be greatly appreciated. It's not really possible for me to get any advice or understanding from my fellow college peers..

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    My parents were 10 years apart when they married and at first it wasn't an issue. Then as years passed, as a daughter I could see that my late father grew to be a tired old man at a much faster rate while my mother remained vital, young and young-looking. They were a generation apart and didn't have anything in common. They couldn't relate. My father was off fighting a war while my mother was still a child. Later, the gap grew even more obvious as my late father's health declined rapidly while my mother was still young and healthy. Then all the burdens fell upon her to keep the family and household afloat financially. Even though some people say age differences don't matter, it does matter especially later as years pass by.

    If breaking up is not an option, just be prepared for life to become more challenging instead of easier and smoother. Know what you're in for and hopefully you'll be mentally prepared.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member happyfrank's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by emonterroza
    I can't believe I'm writing to the internet about this, but I feel so alone right now. I am in a 11-12 year age gap relationship with my boyfriend. He's starting to experience symptoms of low T or maybe even mild ED. It's deeply affecting our sex life and my happiness in the relationship, but I know it's out of his control. He's made a doctors appointment, but I don't know how to cope with this. Not something I envisioned dealing with as a sophomore in college.. advice?

    Also, I struggle a lot feeling like I missed out on his "golden years." We both met at a rave when I was 18, we've been together for 2 years, and i always hear his friends bring up their EDC or wild rave experiences from 2012-2015ish. How the music was so much better, and how raving/edm isn't the same. I see it in his face that he agrees even though he tells me he doesn't. He doesn't care to rave as much now that he's older. I feel like all his best memories happened before me and he lived his fun, wild life and now he just doesn't care for much. We still have so much in common, but I constantly feel like I've been left behind. I hate feeling like I wish I had a time machine so I could have been there all those years ago.. How do you get over these things being in a big age gap with someone you love?

    This is honestly more than I could have ever expected, and it feels like it just keeps getting harder. By no means, is breaking up an options, but if anyone has been in a similar position, any advice would be greatly appreciated. It's not really possible for me to get any advice or understanding from my fellow college peers..
    Does boyfriend eat healthy and workout? Being healthy will help increase his testosterone levels. Also us men have the most testosterone levels during the morning.

    Good luck to you both.

  4. #4
    He does eat super healthy and he works out 5-6 times every week. He does cardio and weights lift. We're both extremely active and health conscious individuals. That also surprised me, because from my research, he's not the typical candidate for low T (unhealthy, doesn't exercise, 35-40y/o+).

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    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by emonterroza
    He does eat super healthy and he works out 5-6 times every week. He does cardio and weights lift. We're both extremely active and health conscious individuals. That also surprised me, because from my research, he's not the typical candidate for low T (unhealthy, doesn't exercise, 35-40y/o+).
    Both of you will age and grow old at different rates.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Let's start with the health stuff: glad he's going to a doctor, because 31 isn't exactly 65—quite young to be experiencing all that stuff. Curious: Is your relationship solid, otherwise? I ask because a lot of that stuff can be more psychological than physical, a reaction to not feeling an intimate connection.

    As for the general concerns—well, the gap is the gap. It's not going anywhere. I can't help but wonder if you feel you missed out on his supposed "golden years" because of where you are right now, in life, and wanting to share these shifts with someone as opposed to experiencing them alongside someone who is in another phase. I can only speak for myself—age 40 here—but life just got more golden at 30 and has been continuing on along those lines in the decade since. You couldn't pay me to go back to 22 or 26—but that's just me. Does he give off an attitude of his best days being behind him? Or do you simply feel a little more isolated these days?

    Since breaking up isn't an option, all you can do is ride these waves, focusing on what you like about the dynamic. I've been the older guy in a few relationships, was 12 years older than my last gf. Not going to lie: it was a tough gap, for both of us, as time went on, though not in the obvious ways. Guess you could say we were both frustrated after a bit (2.5 years?) because we couldn't deny that we were just in drastically different points in our lives. Like you, I think she experienced some dissonance with me having lived quite a bit before I knew her—this sense that I'd experienced more, since, well, I had. Wasn't really on my mind, but the friction was undeniable.

    When it comes to the relationship has a whole, do you think you both want the same things looking at the horizon?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    20 and 31 age gap may not be a big deal now but wait until it starts becoming more and more noticeable as time marches on. Then you will feel it health wise and economically. That's when the true test comes especially when life becomes harder.

    Just remain realistic because Mother Nature always wins.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Did he do a lot of rave drugs in his party years? Or steroids / PEDs? That may be why he now has low T or ED but he should definitely get checked out.

    Regarding what you feel you missed out on... you need to decide what’s important. Either focus on who he is now and what you have in common or find someone closer to your age so you can share those times together.

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    Maybe all the drugs he took at raves fried his brain.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He should stick to his appointment with his doctor regarding his low testosterone levels and receive medical advice from a health care provider. You cannot solve his medical issues or change them. That's up to a health professional and your boyfriend. Don't let mini things like these get to you. Going to the doctor for help or for answers is a good thing, and as you age, it should be a regular thing.

    Originally Posted by emonterroza
    ...I constantly feel like I've been left behind. I hate feeling like I wish I had a time machine so I could have been there all those years ago.. How do you get over these things being in a big age gap with someone you love?

    This is honestly more than I could have ever expected, and it feels like it just keeps getting harder. By no means, is breaking up an options, but if anyone has been in a similar position, any advice would be greatly appreciated. It's not really possible for me to get any advice or understanding from my fellow college peers..
    Why is breaking up not an option and why are you not able to gain any understanding from your peers your age? This doesn't seem like like a very reasonable set up for you and you seem isolated. It's doing you in mentally and your mental health is suffering if you're feeling down about being isolated from your peers or any further options aside from forcing this relationship to work.

    No one ever gets over a big age gap. It is either workable/tolerable or it's not. If you're really thinking about how unbearable and sad this is, this doesn't seem like a good idea for you in the long run. Perhaps countless peers have told you the same thing already? Having been in large age gap relationships, nothing will take away that lost time inbetween. I met my husband late in life and we both wonder what it might have been like together in the earlier parts of our lives. How different things might have been and what it might have been like to live through certain decades together. That is all in the past.

    The idea of lost time and time past/gone doesn't ever go away. Just appreciate what you do have (your present) and if you don't have any future with this person (if either of you aren't committed). My advice: start working on your present and on your future. If you have neither or can't see a life in the present or the future with this person, this is not the right relationship for you.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 10-31-2019 at 12:11 AM.

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