Mixed Signals and awful feelings about a situation!

[CaliWMN83]

I wanted to ask for some advice on a current situation as it is not only complicated but really tearing me up inside.

I met a guy through a social network. It wasn't even the kind of meeting that was planned or expected. I didn't even think anything would come out of it because in my mind online dating is just equivocal. I was just initially curious about what this guy was about.

I was unsure of starting up a conversation with this guy but they seemed to get along with just about anybody within this social network and the people seemed overall relaxed in his chat room. So I figured why not initiate a basic conversation.

This guy lives in Europe and streams music from there too so the majority of the people in the network are European but also speak English and they were all just really fun to hang out with. Absolutely no expectations or uncomfortable situations here. I just happen to enjoy meeting people from outside the US and if they share similar interests it is even more enjoyable. Again, I don't even have high expectations in these but something happened.

This guy I met frequently does side chats with people while he streams. I started chatting with this guy during chat sessions and with the other people. Mostly just random conversations about music, funny jokes, and simple stuff. Nothing personal or offensive. The guy though has a very charming and outgoing personality and he is really attractive. So for some people it could come off as a flirting and for others it could come off as being obnoxious. He's not rude and was just really polite with everyone while joking around with people live and sending out winkie faces and hearts in replies.

He started to get really jokey with me in the chats and I started to see these "signals" which indicated that quite possibly something was brewing because he wasn't doing this with the other people in the chat. For example, going out of his way to talk to me more in the chat, smiling extra big, and just trying to really keep my attention but acting like a guy too shy to say anything about it. I played along with it for a few weeks because I started to like him and wanted to play along with what seemed like harmless flirting. We never actually had any deep conversations about anything but he did start to open up to me a little about home life and such which made me wonder if he was too scared to say anything to me about how he felt.

So I ended up telling him in a private message about how I was feeling and that I hoped he didn't feel weird about me saying such things. He said no it was totally awesome to read and used another one of the winky faces. His common response to everything is " That's awesome ;)" or " Thank you for xzy ;)". This frustrates me so much because it is like he doesn't even want to say anything constructive. So a little while later I tried to approach the subject of what I told him and he still avoided it. He started to chat with me less in private but on public stream he was all flirty with me and the chat. He would also just act like he was all grateful that I was there spending time with him and the group and kept calling me awesome. It is like you know somebody wants to say something but won't for whatever reason. His behavior towards me seemed to be like he was interested but at the same time he didn't want to talk more or get to know me more off stream.

Fast forward to last week. He started to act a little too obnoxious for streaming and got in trouble by the website. So he was kicked offline for a few days by the website. He ended up streaming on another website while he waited for his ban to be lifted. He ended up texted me in private basically sharing his feelings about being kicked offline for that one website and how it was stressing him out as he is using the stream to support his creative work and he needs to make money. Not how he felt about things between us. He was sort of reaching out for somebody to listen and help and of course I helped and he sounded thankful. But he never discussed what I said. He wants to include me in stuff and acts flirty but doesn't want to discuss serious matters of the heart.

A few days ago, he started getting a few more people to follow him. But some of the people were really pervy girls who pretty much acted the way men often like but they also stream video game sessions and stuff that this guy really loved. So I guess that's either like having a female buddy who can act like a guy or it is like having a really "available" woman who is uninhibited?

This guy completely lowered his interaction with the group to duel stream with these other people. He hasn't even private messaged me since he was kicked off the first website for his behavior yet in his streams when he's not with these crazy people he's almost getting jealous that I am talking to other people. I've been ignoring this guy on his own stream most of the time and talking to the other people in the chat. He would see my comments to others and then comment off what I said to the other people or try to get me to interact with him.

The real kicker to this complicated mess is when I told somebody else in the chat some kind words when they were feeling depressed. This guy read what I wrote and he said verbally so everyone could hear how my words were so awesome, that I was awesome, and how 's he's known me awhile now. But he didn't even continue that thought. Just I am awesome and he's known me awhile.

I don't even know what he was trying to do there. He's just super nice and polite to everyone which is what really attracted me to him. I am also physically attracted to him as well which doesn't help. Throw in a funny personality and a bunch of things we have in common and you have a big problem.

It is difficult to watch his stream now and when these new followers come into the chat I just want to log off and not see him.But I also still want to support him as a friend. It is like he wants my support and keeps acting grateful for it but also flirty and sends off these mixed signals. When I see him my feelings that crave a relationship come out and I get anxious and nervous especially when he starts flirting or tries to get my attention. Then I see he just doesn't initiate conversation or even want to answer my question on how he feels so I feel like crap.

So what exactly is going on in his mind? Anybody face anything similar or can tell me from a male perspective what exactly his behavior means??

I am still not private messaging him because I am hurt and angry and I am just debating whether to give him more time to say something or just quit everything with him.

[Leah33]

He is on a social networking site that he uses to promote creative work for financial reasons.

Is it possible he’s being flirty for monetary gain?

If this was an in the flesh business setting surely it would be wise not to become romantically embroiled with clientele. Maybe he views it the same and that’s why he’s kept his responses short and neutral during private messaging. I have no clue which Social Networking site this is but perhaps he doesn't want the added risk of being permanently banned from it.

Another consideration, you're in L.A. and he is in Europe. Before you exert any further energy into this, how far do you expect (or want) this online interaction to go?

[MissCanuck]

I don't actually think it's complicated at all.

I see a guy who likes you as an online friend, and enjoys talking to you, but not something more. I don't think he's being shy about his feelings but rather trying to avoid an awkward moment when he tells you he doesn't feel the same about you.

I'm sorry, OP. I don't think this crush is mutual.

[Rose Mosse]

Have you given this person any of your money? How old are you?

I think you're being duped and if you've given him money, you're being scammed and used. If you haven't, thank your lucky stars. Get off this chat room and start meeting real people in person. This is the furthest thing from it. He's just his own one man band (marketing team, creative head, admin etc). It seems he's scrambling to make some cash after he was banned on the first venue/website. Be a bit smarter about the way you meet people. It's ok to see traits you like in others but be realistic about what's going on. This is not healthy at all.

[boltnrun]

I'm sure he's used to women getting "crushes" on him.

This will not develop into a real, in person relationship. I second the recommendation that you cut your online activity at least in half and get out into the world where you can have actual in person interactions.

PS: you live in L.A.!!! There are TONS of things to do there, plus the weather is terrific. You're missing out on so much by living on your computer!

[Batya33]

I'm sure he's used to women getting "crushes" on him.

This will not develop into a real, in person relationship. I second the recommendation that you cut your online activity at least in half and get out into the world where you can have actual in person interactions.

PS: you live in L.A.!!! There are TONS of things to do there, plus the weather is terrific. You're missing out on so much by living on your computer!

I agree with this. What is going on is that you have something that is not going well in your life if you are this focused on an online personality (no, you don't know who is actually typing to you -it could be him, another guy, his mother, a teenage girl, etc). Given the issues you described with him getting kicked off I'd stay far away from any interactions.

[Wiseman2]

He thinks of you as a fan. It's fine to be pen-pals or part of a fan club, but that's not dating or a relationship. If he annoys you stop patronizing his page. As far as dating goes, start messaging and meeting local men who you can date on a regular basis and get to know in person.

[catfeeder]

Sounds like you're forming a fantasy 'around' a total stranger's words. I'd quit that and find something more constructive to do with your focus. Date locally, set up quick meets over coffee after work to check one another out for a half hour, max. Agree that neither can corner the other for a real date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary.

Don't project 'chemistry' onto people online. It's words. Meet people in person to learn whether there's any REAL chemistry, and keep it local so that you can walk away from bad matches.

Most people are NOT our match. That's natural odds, so don't over-invest in anyone before you learn whether you like them in person. That's why long distance stuff is impractical and more trouble than it's worth. It builds fantasies, and those are for people who live in their own head. It's a problem because fantasies create high expectations that the real world can't compete with, and that traps people into isolated living in their own mind to enjoy that 'high'.

Skip that before it becomes a real problem.

[LucianaL]

Love you. God bless and keep you.