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Thread: Should I have the uncomfortable conversation

  1. #1
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    Should I have the uncomfortable conversation

    Hey everybody,

    I am having a concern lately which I wouldn't like to share it with friends or other people closed to me.
    I'm on my mid twenties, but I have never had sex before. The reason is not relegion nor is it lack of partners or possibilities. Now I know I am a weird person but I just like to do things a bit slow in my life and to wait for the right person. I could have done it with different giys just didnt find anyone attractive enough as I am a bit sapiosexual.

    Now I sometimes think it was an error cause I should have experimented a bit more earlier but here we are.
    Now I am going out with a great guy, and I am feeling a bit stressed about this thing, cause he may think it will be weird that I still haven't had sex before. It is like I have been waiting for him, you know I feel a bit not confident, cause other girls my age have already had more than one sexual partners.
    So, I don't want him to know that I am still a virgin, cause that would made me really uncomfortable.
    Don't get me wrong I am so well informed about sex and I have actually got some time to get to know myself. I have good knowledge even on the small details.
    But yet I feel a bit confused as I don't want to have that conversation with him about telling him I' m still a virgin, but on the otherside it is like no escape as he is going to understamd it during the act maybe, I am not sure.
    Would you guys give me an advice on what should I do?
    I would appreciate it.
    Thanks.

  2. #2
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    I think you should be honest. If you are able to have sex with someone, then you should be able to talk to them.

    If he is a "great guy" then he should respect your decision and be understanding. Wait until your feel comfortable, don't do it (sex) because you feel you have to.

  3. #3
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    Now please dont get me wrong. If I say I decided to wait till the right guy that means that not I am doing it because I want to and because I feel he is the right one. I just dont know how to talk about him about the fact that I am in my mid twenties and still havent done it. I feel so uncomfortable saying that.
    Yes he is a great guy. And I am not worried that he wont understand, I just cannot accept myself like this. He will understand but anyway this will give him another picture of me.

  4. #4
    Bronze Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    How can you feel comfortable having sex with somebody you feel uncomfortable having a sensitive talk with?

    Honestly I think you are over-stressing about the issue. You are mid-20s, it is a bit older than the average Western girl to be a virgin, but no decent guy will mind... In fact a lot of guys will regard it as a positive... there is the cultural traditions surrounding the value of female innocence/purity/virginity etc... plus the simple fact that a lot of guys do not like to feel compared with other guys. When it comes to sex, "performance" pressures are mostly placed on men, not women.

    The only guys who I think might view your situation as a negative are 1) Players who just want to have a good time in bed and might regard your lack of experience as boring... inexperienced girls tend to timid in bed and not very adventurous for the thrill seekers. 2) Somebody who does not want commitment and thinks your virginity means a great deal to you if you have kept it this long and might back off to avoid said commitment.

    Regardless I think you should be honest with him. Chances are you will be nervous, it will be quite painful and there will (likely) be blood. If he knew it was your first time, he should know to take it slower and try to gradually relax you.

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  6. #5
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    I waited on purpose. I'd planned to wait till marriage and got engaged at 23 - would have been each other's firsts -but then became unengaged. I waited until I was 24 and in love (with the guy I dated after ended the engagement). He knew I was a virgin and that is why I waited to have sex with him. I never hesitated to tell him but that was also because when we were starting to get serious I still wasn't sure I wanted to have sex before marriage. I could not have imagined not telling him. I think it's perfectly fine and don't make a big deal out of it -if you don't, he won't either.

  7. #6
    Silver Member Rising100's Avatar
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    Do you feel you wont measure up to other girls? Do you feel other women will be able to please him better than you?
    Do you think that regardless of what you know, you will still mess up and not be good enough?

    And given you are a sapiosexual, wouldnt you be having open conversations with him over many things? Personal things and even sex?
    Its much better if you are honest and lay it out first, sex is supposed to be fun and even playful.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You may be feeling a closeness with him that is not closeness in totality. If you do feel comfortable talking about it, just go ahead and tell him. That's between the both of you. Some people are ok talking about it and some aren't or don't find it necessary. You shouldn't feel like you have to say anything to warn him if you don't feel comfortable or feel awkward doing so. This is not a giant deal in the larger scheme of things.

  9. #8
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    If he doesn't understand then he is not a great guy. Stop stressing and tell him when you get to that point.

  10. #9
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    No, I am not afraid other girls will please him more. That is not the point. I know what I should know about sex and how to be pleased and how to please. Just havent done it.
    And no sapiosexual does not mean that you can have open weird conversations.
    If you still didnt get the point, well here it is. I am afraid he will think I have been waiting so long only for him that he is the right one, that I wang to marry him blah blah. This is a good relashionship but I havent been waiting for him, nor want I to marry him because of that. Things just came at this point eventually. Also I am afraid he would think I haven't enjoyed my life sexually before, that doesnt boost my selfesteem.

  11. #10
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    Simply tell him that you don't want him to assume that you choosing now to have sex means that he has some obligation to you to be with you for the long term. You're simply ready and you like him and are attracted to him.

    I had to look up "sapiosexual" - ok. Could it be you are over-labeling/categorizing yourself -why do you feel the need to label yourself in this way? How does it benefit your daily life? I know of many people who find intelligence attractive in other people -do you mean that because of that you are also bisexual?

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