Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 36

Thread: This is hurting more than I thought it would.

  1. #1
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Posts
    320
    Gender
    Male

    This is hurting more than I thought it would.

    I guess I am writing here as an outlet more than asking for advice at this point, and perhaps just trying to understand why I feel the way I do right now.

    Very short recap for those who don't know the context...

    I broke up recently with my girlfriend of 18 months because I was unhappy in our relationship. I loved her, I think I still do, and she loves me very much, but we were not happy together, and frankly, she was getting in the way of my personal aspirations and dreams of becoming a better version of myself. We had a co-dependent relationship where she clung onto me and I enabled such a behaviour because it partly assuaged my own insecurities about feeling loved and needed.

    It has been very hard, but I have finally cut the cord (mostly). This is the first time I have broken up with anybody in my life. Two girlfriends have broken up with me in the past and I have had two significant crushes ultimately reject my courtship. None of those situations are anywhere near as painful as this breakup, which is surprising given that I initiated it and pushed it through. It is genuinely surprising me how hard it has been for me.

    I think there are three main reasons why I feel so awful...

    1) Guilt: Jane is probably the nicest person I will ever know. Nice and kind to a fault, always puts others ahead of herself, does not want to let anyone down, avoids confrontations etc... My rational brain is telling me that some of that niceness really is a fault, arising from low self-esteem and insecurities, but she is as close to a paragon of kindness and innocence as I have known outside of fiction. I feel so guilty that I have caused so much pain to such a fundamentally good person. I feel like a villain in Jane's Disney story.

    I am also feel guilty about my reasons for breaking up, my reasons for feeling unhappy in our relationship. Yes I can point to the fact that our life goals, outlook and lifestyles are incompatible, yes I feel that she would have been miserable if she did end up making fundamental sacrifices just in order to save our relationship and I would have been miserable and resentful if I felt that she had held me back in life...

    BUT I cannot hide from the shallower reasons that I wanted a younger and more attractive partner, for my sexual desires, ego and a more suitable mother for the children that I want to eventually have. I find it shameful that I can be so shallow, but it would be dishonest of me to deny these factors played a part in my decision.

    I cherish the good times I had with Jane, the wonderful memories, but at this point, I wish I never asked her out and inadvertently turned her life upside down and caused her so much pain and misery. I am so so sorry.

    2) Loss: I do not have many friends, I have always moved around so much that I have never really had a close circle of friends who I would hang out with regularly. For the last 18 months Jane has been the one constant in my life, the one person who said "good morning" and "goodnight" every single day, the one person who made me feel loved and appreciated. Yes Jane's love was suffocating and clingy, it literally felt like I was drowning in it sometimes... but when I see that she has changed her profile picture (that used to be a pic of both of us) on Discord, when I realize that she will not be in my life on a daily basis anymore, when I realize that I will not know what is going on with her in the future... That presence is gone. It is hard. It feels like I have torn out a piece of myself in pushing through with this breakup.

    3) Fear: I am afraid that I will never find anybody who will make me happy. I am 31 years old and my life has mostly been a story of wasted potential and lost opportunities. I already had a beautiful and kind partner, but whom I decided that I cannot be happy with for reasons mentioned above. I do not believe in that fairy tale that there is "somebody for everybody". I am rationally afraid that I will never find anyone who ticks all the boxes for me. I might be able to find younger/prettier/healthier... but will she have Jane's kindness? Will I end up settling on somebody I do not really love just to tick aspiration goals? Or end up alone and childless anyway? Honestly, I am scared.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    12,391
    You have "dumper's remorse". Not all that unusual.

    What I recommend is you reflect on how the rest of your life would have been if you stayed with Jane. Does the idea of being with her forever fill you with a loving glow, or does it seem more like a life sentence?

    If you reconciled she would still be clingy and dependent, she would still be older (and heavy...you mentioned her weight before), and she would still have unhealthy family dynamics.

    If those things are now OK with you, then maybe in a few weeks time you can consider reconciling. But if they are still deal breakers you made the right decision.

    Whatever you do, please do NOT keep her on a string while you decide. The kindest thing to do would be to let her go 100%, stop thinking she "needs" you to run her life for her, and do not "check in" with her every so often. Make it a clean break, at least until your mind is clear.

  3. #3
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Posts
    320
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    You have "dumper's remorse". Not all that unusual.

    What I recommend is you reflect on how the rest of your life would have been if you stayed with Jane. Does the idea of being with her forever fill you with a loving glow, or does it seem more like a life sentence?

    If you reconciled she would still be clingy and dependent, she would still be older (and heavy...you mentioned her weight before), and she would still have unhealthy family dynamics.

    If those things are now OK with you, then maybe in a few weeks time you can consider reconciling. But if they are still deal breakers you made the right decision.

    Whatever you do, please do NOT keep her on a string while you decide. The kindest thing to do would be to let her go 100%, stop thinking she "needs" you to run her life for her, and do not "check in" with her every so often. Make it a clean break, at least until your mind is clear.
    Staying with Jane would not be a "loving glow" nor "life sentence"... More like "settling"... surrendering my dreams and accepting mediocrity and "normalcy", partly because she does not support or encourage my ambitions, and I think she would enable the lazy and unmotivated aspect of my personality that I am trying to eliminate. Jane has told me that I am broken because I am unhappy with a life that most people are perfectly content with. I guess she is right in some respects, but that's another issue entirely.

    She's not really "heavy"... perfectly healthy BMI and got the curves most Western guys probably prefer over slimmer girls. I find slim girls more attractive, but that is not a deal-breaker in itself. Physically I am more concerned with her age and health.

    And yes I am not stringing her along. I have stopped the daily communications and kept what communications we do have to just short functional chats. (Because she still lives at my house in the UK).

    I am not going to relent on my decision. I have gone too far to go back.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    central Florida
    Posts
    3,711
    Gender
    Female
    As Billy Joel's lyrics say, "I've seen the best of you, and now I need the rest of you." She suppressed her own needs, being a people pleaser, and so you would never know her authentic self.

    With each relationship, you will learn what you want and what you don't want in a lifetime partner. Suffice it to say, it's a rotten thing to stay with someone you feel you're settling for because you fear a woman doesn't exist who would tick all of your boxes. So you've done the right thing by breaking up.

    It's not easy to find someone you share chemistry with and share the same life goals and relationship boundaries with, but certainly is not a miracle. Hasn't that happened for many of your relatives and friends?

    Make a must-have list and dealbreaker list moving forward and stick to it. When you makes goals for yourself and put effort forth in achieving something, you're bound to achieve it, especially at your young age.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Silver Member waffle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Location
    suburban Detroit
    Age
    54
    Posts
    474
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by MirrorKnight
    BUT I cannot hide from the shallower reasons that I wanted a younger and more attractive partner, for my sexual desires, ego and a more suitable mother for the children that I want to eventually have. I find it shameful that I can be so shallow, but it would be dishonest of me to deny these factors played a part in my decision.
    I assume you have already met this person.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    2,885
    Gender
    Female
    Good job. It's a good time to remember to take care of your health and stick to your other commitments. I became a lot more involved in work and other areas when I left my ex. It helped keep up my momentum and it didn't slow me down. I'd try to just see things in bare bones: you were in a relationship and now it's over. You knew someone and now you know of someone. Let it go. Onwards and forwards. Difficult for the time being but not impossible.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    1,696
    Gender
    Female
    Well you are simply not in love with her. Sounds like you care for her and maybe love her as a friend and companion, but if you truly loved her romantically you would not be looking elsewhere. When you love someone, you think they're great, their body is great, you see a future with them. You're probably not that attracted to her body because you're not in love with her personality either. Just because someone's really nice and kind doesn't mean you have to settle. There are many people that are nice and kind out there but not everyone is the right person for you.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    1,393
    MirrorKnight, Your story resonates with me because my loved ones in my family tree recently experienced what you're currently going through. I'm sorry for your hurts and pained heart.

    People have to be very lucky and fortunate to get it right the first time by meeting their permanent "thee one" girlfriend / fiance / wife / husband. However, many people have to go through several people in order to settle down with "thee one" who checks all their boxes. Many people are not lucky in love the first few times and it's not unheard of to go through many women until you hit the jackpot. 'It's life' as complete strangers have told me at local stores whenever I've aired my grievances regarding this subject.

    Regarding guilt, guilt comes now or later; it doesn't matter. Transform your guilt into thoughts of prevention. You ended it now as opposed to prolonging the inevitable which would've resulted in breakup sooner or later. Sooner is better than later. Sooner means you give her the chance to move on faster, find someone else, perhaps marry, have children, settle down and bring her hopes and dreams to fruition. The sooner both of you put this behind both of you, the better. It's better to get any breakup over and done with instead of dragging it out unnecessarily.

    You may think your reasons are shallow, however, you won't be happy and satisfied if you grudgingly accept a person against your will. It's better to cut ties off now than deal with a worse, acrimonious breakup later or worse yet, a nasty, messy, complicated divorce as millions of people can attest.

    You have a conscience if you feel guilty. I despise those who possess zero feelings of remorse, continue to feel arrogant, smug and act like an ignorant jerk. You are not. I commend you for feeling guilty. All you can do with your guilt is use it to navigate yourself wisely in the future, become extra empathetic and remain cautious in all you do, say, write, act. If you feel you've made a hot mess of things, pay it forward by doing better in the future. Tread lightly and proceed with utmost caution. Be kind to others and yourself.

    Life is an education. You learn from it and your past mistakes. You become smarter and more shrewd.

    In order to have friends, you have to be a friend to one or many. They won't flock nor gravitate to you if you simply wish your life away. You have to put yourself out there and prove your worthiness if you want a friend or friends. Join groups, clubs, organizations, anything where you can relate whether it's sports, fitness, excursions, academics / intellectual pursuits, book clubs, hobbies, cooking / dining, etc.

    You're only 31 years old, MirrorKnight. You're still young for heaven's sake!

    There is such thing as a fairy tale because I'm living proof of it. I met and married the first and only love of my life when I was only 22 years old. We have 2 amazing sons. I come from a very painful past childhood, teen years and young adulthood. My life is a heck of a lot better than where I came from. I can tell you that much for sure.

    Your story is not the same as mine. It's a great big world out there and she is out there for you. You just have to be lucky and be at the right place at the right time. It will happen. Don't give up hope. There are plenty of ladies out there who have a world of kindness to give you with all their heart and soul. You must remain patient and know where to find them. They're not at singles bars nor out clubbing. Go where they are. They're at church, perhaps volunteering in their community, furthering their education and careers, taking care of their health & fitness, immersed in their interests, hobbies and the like.

    Don't be scared. Don't think so negatively and all doom and gloom. It's not the end of the world. Have the power of positive thinking. Tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities for you. Don't wallow in your misery. Take action to make your life better. Focus on self improvement and you will attract women to you like bees to honey.

    I've observed men and women who don't have to try so hard to attract the opposite gender if they're secure with themselves. There is nothing more attractive than self confidence, humility, empathy and security. Everything else is gravy.

    You will get through this and your day in the sun will come. Hang in there. You will be all right. Chin up. Carry on. It will get better. Don't give up. Be proactive.

  10. #9
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Posts
    320
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by waffle
    I assume you have already met this person.
    Not really. Yes I met somebody who turned my head (Cathy), but I kept my distance whilst I was involved with Jane. Since the breakup I have not been in the mood to contact Cathy again. That ship has probably sailed.

    It's not easy to find someone you share chemistry with and share the same life goals and relationship boundaries with, but certainly is not a miracle. Hasn't that happened for many of your relatives and friends?
    I am that awful combination of being mediocre myself, a hopeless romantic and brutally realistic all at the same time. I want it all even though I am not good enough to have a queue of girls lining up for me, or frankly deserve it. Yes plenty of my friends and family are in loving and committed relationships, but I think some of them have "settled", which is a horrible thing to think about your friend's relationship. I do think I have unrealistically high selection criteria, so I think the fear that I will end up either settling or remaining single and alone is objectively quite valid and rational.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    central Florida
    Posts
    3,711
    Gender
    Female
    Which parts of your selection criteria do you think is unrealistic?

Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •