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Thread: This is hurting more than I thought it would.

  1. #31
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    It’s scary to me that you’d find it unfortunate if your son was shorter than you. You’re not giving them the best chance by mating with someone who is average height or taller because they will sense from you how “unfortunate “ it is if they fall short in some way. Pun intended. Protest all you want about how you wouldn’t care - you see it as “unfortunate “ and that mindset will shine through. And they’ll know you judge people in that way. They’ll absorb that too.
    My son is awesome at math because of his dad. When he was 3 I stubbed my toe really hard on his train set and screamed. He wasn’t talking too much yet but he basically told off his train set for hurting me. And that’s him. He’s caring and supportive beyond his years including to strangers in so many situations. That’s what makes me smile about him. Not the math genius stuff (which I’m a bit envious of - math intimidates me).
    Give your child the best chance by marrying a good and kind person who also wants to co parent in a positive and fun and humorous way - not a my way or the high way person. Have compatible values and religious beliefs if possible and see how she treats waitstaff.
    My husband and I are both highly educated and pretty smart and if my son decides to work with his hands or do a trade I’m happy if he’s happy. My grandpa washed windows and was very short and mostly a happy guy who had a really hard immigrant life early on.

    Like attracts like. Think long and hard about the downsides of attracting someone who would find it unfortunate if someone had to live as a shorter than average person.

  2. 10-08-2019, 01:58 PM

  3. #32
    Bronze Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    I'm trying to figure out how you equate height with "a happy life".

    Where did you get the idea that taller people are happier and more successful? Is it because you're self conscious about being short so you presume tall people are happy?

    It's just a strange conclusion to arrive at.
    Scientific studies, personal observation etc...

    Obviously being tall does not guarantee happiness, but it is a major advantage in life, especially for men. There are positive correlations between height and income, attractiveness, physical health, mental health etc... boys grow up in a competitive and rough environment, physical strength and size affords respect and social status. Women generally do not date men shorter than themselves and pretty much all women have a preference for taller men.

    Am I insecure about my height? I guess so, but only in the logical sense that a starving man should be insecure about his food security. I don't think it is irrational at all. It really sucks to be short. I have made my peace with it, but if I can help it, I would like to avoid the issue for any children that I have.

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  4. #33
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    I have sat on some of the replies above because I wanted some more time to process what everyone said, and because I have been busy with work.

    My quick and general response would be that:

    1) I am aware that beauty/height/health etc does not necessarily equate with a happy and fulfilling life. But it sure as hell does not hurt to have those attributes.

    2) Of course I do not have control of what my potential children will do with the cards that they are dealt. They could be born with perfect genetics, but have none of my ambition, or choose a lifestyle or career that I might disapprove of. I can only try to instill them with the correct values and advise them to the best of my ability. Anything beyond that is out of my control. I have not been the most obedient son, so it would be very hypocritical if I expected compliance from my future children.

    3) Of course I am aware that even if I had a genetically top 1% partner, there is a chance that our children will still have various weaknesses that I would prefer to avoid. I have accepted my own imperfections, so of course I would accept and embrace my children's imperfections and love them wholeheartedly regardless. Nobody is perfect.

    4) Genetic fitness is not a fantasy pseudo-science, it is proven science, even if it is not politically correct or nice to point out that natural selection no longer functions in humanity and that the gene pool is deteriorating, especially towards the bottom end. I want to drag my lineage towards the healthier and fitter end of the spectrum.

  5. #34
    Bronze Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    I have sort of derailed my own topic.

    An update on Jane and how I am feeling.

    I feel a bit calmer now. My feelings of guilt and fear have subsided for the most part, though I am still in mourning over losing what has been a huge part of my life for nearly two years.

    I am sad that I don't wake up with the certainty of a message from her anymore, I am sad that I won't be able to go on nice little trips with her anymore, I miss her smile, I miss her cute wave, I miss the way she talks, I miss being there to take care of her, I miss the certainly of knowing that I am loved and needed. (Yes I know that is probably a symptom of my own insecurity).

    I do not regret my decision though. I am maintaining my distance and limiting contact. I have not given her a firm deadline to move out of my house yet, but I am encouraging her to move on.

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  7. #35
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    Is she actually making moves to move out?

    I see your point on genetic fitness. This is actually something I've thought about a lot. Nothing is guaranteed but you're not wrong for wanting to try and increase the odds. I'd think you were dumb if you were to find an awesome relationship d/t concern of genetic fitness, but it doesn't sound like this relationship was going well at all so I think you make the right choice.

    Just be aware, there is still a lot we don't know about genetic expression and whatnot. I come from 2 great lines and my family got the short end of the stick....lots of autism, hormonal issues, etc. I was the first person in my whole family to actually become overweight in my teens and then later obese and I had to get some medical treatment for it. I have disabled siblings as well. Neurodiversity crowd will tell you that autism is not really a disorder but my sibs will tell you otherwise. Being unable to care for yourself in basic ways is not ideal but that's the card we were dealt. My parents "did everything right" - dice roll still sucked. This is the risk you take. I decided not to play that game so I got fixed in my mid 20s. Just be mindful, that's all.

  8. #36
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    Originally Posted by Fudgie
    Is she actually making moves to move out?

    I see your point on genetic fitness. This is actually something I've thought about a lot. Nothing is guaranteed but you're not wrong for wanting to try and increase the odds. I'd think you were dumb if you were to find an awesome relationship d/t concern of genetic fitness, but it doesn't sound like this relationship was going well at all so I think you make the right choice.

    Just be aware, there is still a lot we don't know about genetic expression and whatnot. I come from 2 great lines and my family got the short end of the stick....lots of autism, hormonal issues, etc. I was the first person in my whole family to actually become overweight in my teens and then later obese and I had to get some medical treatment for it. I have disabled siblings as well. Neurodiversity crowd will tell you that autism is not really a disorder but my sibs will tell you otherwise. Being unable to care for yourself in basic ways is not ideal but that's the card we were dealt. My parents "did everything right" - dice roll still sucked. This is the risk you take. I decided not to play that game so I got fixed in my mid 20s. Just be mindful, that's all.
    My apologies that I forgot to reply.

    Since the last time Jane contacted me about 3 weeks ago, where she was clearly struggling to move on, I have not made contact with her at all and she has not reached out to me again. I am not sure if she is making plans to move out, but I do see the lack of any further attempts to contact me as an acceptance of the situation and at least an attempt to move on.

    As for the genetics thing... I think I have mentioned it before, I know it's not an exact science, but there is a definite correlation for traits like height. My (male) cousins are all older than me, some by quite a lot, they are also all relatively short (168cm-174cm range). By coincidence (I think), they all married relatively tall women (165cm+). Their (grown) children are all significantly taller than their fathers (if boys) or about as tall as their fathers if girls.

    Obviously I will accept and love any children that I have regardless of how tall, intelligent, healthy or beautiful they are. I just want to load the dice for them in their "character generation chart" (for the RPG gamers here, if any) to give them the best chance possible.

  9. 10-31-2019, 02:52 PM

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