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Thread: On & Off Emotionally Abusive Marriage... I am Deciding Whether to Stay or Leave

  1. #1
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    On & Off Emotionally Abusive Marriage... I am Deciding Whether to Stay or Leave

    Hello everyone,

    I am new to this forum. I just got married five months ago and it's been very up and down, before the wedding and even worse after the wedding.

    He is on and off emotionally & verbally abusive towards me. He yells at me sometimes, and we have raging, screaming horrific fights with mean, cruel insults thrown, initiated by him. He's the one who raises his voice first, and then I respond in kind. So he has anger issues, yet he never takes responsibility for his problem.. he turns everything around on me so that he is not responsible, but I am.. I tell him he has anger issues and he says, "no, YOU do!". He blames me for ALL our fights and for anything that goes wrong. He plays the blame game all the time.. "well it's your fault" he says.. he even tried to blame me for him raising his voice at me. It's totally counterproductive, which is what I tell him when he does this.

    It is not always like this. When things are good or stable rather, he's loving, sweet and kind. Blow ups have occurred around once per month. But right now I am very wary of everything he does, I am stepping back, I am evaluating and I am taking stock of all that's happened, the good and the bad and the ugly.

    There's more too... he's not always forthcoming with important pieces of information I should be aware of, and he has broken two promises so far, so trust is little by little being chipped away at and is eroding.

    In addition, a lot of the time, it's always about him, what he wants, what he's going through, how he's feeling and what he needs. My needs, what I am going through, my stress, etc. all comes secondary to his and gets pushed to the side. Then when I say things like "I've been hearing all about your job stress for the last five weeks, he retorts with "well, I hear about yours ALL the time and much more than you do about mine!" This is how he is. It makes things very difficult for me.

    I am at a point where if just one more blow up occurs on his end, with him yelling at me and throwing mean insults, I could seriously just be done and I may have to walk away. But I take my marriage vows seriously, I want to see things through, and I think (I think) I may still love him. I am not entirely sure yet.... honestly, that is part of what I am deciding right now.. do I even still love him?????

    And the other aspect of this is... I am 49 years old. First time married, no kids, no mortgage, nothing of the kind... it is scary to think of being alone for the rest of my life... I am afraid this is it for me. If this doesn't work out, I cannot take anymore dating, I cannot take anymore heartbreaks, and I cannot do yet another relationship... I've had plenty of heartbreaks and relationships to last a lifetime. So it's either this for me, or alone for life.

    I know many of you may just tell me to leave..... I am not ready for that yet, and like I mentioned, I am deciding. Plus I cannot just up and leave. I have a rental lease on an apartment until next June, and I would have to save at least 5K to move out. I live in a most expensive part of the country.

    So I guess I am mainly looking for support and compassion around this rather than advice to leave or stay.

    Oh, and he won't do couples therapy. He said once early on to me that if that is ever mentioned, the relationship is over. And now I know why that is... he refuses to do any amount of introspection, he refuses to take responsibility for his poor behaviors, and he won't look at himself.

    So that's my story. Thanks so much in advance for your replies.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It seems everyone has already told you to leave but you are coming here hoping for a magical solution? As you mentioned, you do not want to leave because you don't want to, you are afraid to be alone and you can't afford to.

    You also mention that you do not want to do anything to improve your situation, including going to therapy alone, privately and confidentially as you should in this case. Your entire post revolves around what a monster he is, how to fix and change him and not wanting to do anything to improve your situation. How long did you date before getting married? Is this man from another culture?
    Originally Posted by SingingRain
    I am 49 years old. So it's either this for me, or alone for life.

    I know many of you may just tell me to leave..... I am not ready for that yet

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    Did he only become abusive after the wedding?

    If you'd rather be abused than be "alone", there isn't much any of us can suggest except maybe leave the room when he starts raging. We don't know why he does it or how to "get" him to stop.

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    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    he may not want to do therapy, but you can, and you need it the most. You mention a lot of heartbreak and failed relationships...that sound like a pattern you keep following....picking emotionally unavailable/abusive men. Therapy will give you the strength to leave.

    You should call the abuse crisis hotline in your area. They have counselors, a place to stay, resources to help you.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    It's sort of difficult to provide the support and compassion you are looking for in a written forum post, but here it goes... I have been where you are; in an unhappy and abusive relationship, sick of starting over, fearful of being alone, and to be honest if my ex hadn't initiated ending the marriage I might still be in it... and I thank the universe every day for whatever intervened in ending my marriage, because 3 / almost 4 years later I am happier than I have ever been.

    That all being said, since you have decided you want to stay at least for now I will give you some advice that helped me... avoid your husband as much as possible, and focus on doing the things you enjoy and that help your overall wellness. Do things that build self-esteem and confidence... whether that's hanging out with friends, activities that are good for your body, mind and soul, eating well and exercising, getting enough sleep, setting money aside for your future, getting therapy/coaching whatever the case may be. Stop being codependent and start focusing on yourself, make a plan for how you will get through life and achieve your dreams and goals. At least this will give you an outlet and something else to focus on besides the unhappiness of your relationship.

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    I don't understand why you married this guy, if it has been bad for so long. Doesn't make any sense. And, once a month of explosive behavior is too much. You also don't trust him, and he always puts his own needs first. What do you get out of this? Do you stay because you think that this is your last chance?

    He does not want to improve the marriage. I am certainly not going to support this union. You need to leave! Don't be so desperate to have anyone in your life, especially someone like this.

    So you settle for this guy. Have you ever considered that you are the common denominator? You choose bad partners. I suggest that YOU get therapy, and address your issues with self esteem. What a miserable future you will have with this guy, as you feel you must settle.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 10-07-2019 at 01:51 PM.

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    Thank you all for your replies!

    I am in individual therapy addressing the issues I face in my marriage. I have a plan to save money so that I can move out in June when our lease ends in case I decide I must leave. I am also forming new friendships with people who can support me through this.

    To clarify, I would not rather be abused than be alone. Itís not as black and white as that. When heís being abusive I want to leave.. and when things are good, itís great and I become confused and think I should stay.

    Iíve also set boundaries with him.. like you canít yell at me. Itís unacceptable behavior that I wonít tolerate. I do walk away sometimes and sometimes I feed into his anger and reply back in anger.

    There were some signs of this before we married but I made a condition of marriage that he never raise his voice at me. We had three blissful months before the wedding until he chose to blow up at me just beforehand. Then it briefly got worse after we married.

    Now weíre in a peaceful period but Iím sure another blowup is due. Heís the one who refuses therapy, not myself. He refuses help, I do not.

    I honestly donít know what to do or how to feel. I think I do still love him, the good parts of him, which is what makes it harder.

    There are several other issues at play as well that are bothersome to me and which add to the list of negatives. What I want to learn is strengthening my boundaries and sticking to my limits. He can throw tantrums when I say no to something. I need to not bend when he does this. And I need to not be afraid of saying no just because he might blow up in anger.

    I do need to focus more on my own life and on having a life. We do everything together so thereís little opportunity for independence.

    We knew each other for over a year before marriage. We had a whirlwind courtship and moved in together very quickly , after only two months. It was out of necessity. Had that not happened I would have taken things much more slowly and I may not have married him in that case. But whatís done is done and now Iím deciding...

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    It is my last chance and there are good things between us too. I believe I still love him. Heís not always abusive. If you havenít been in a similar situation it may hard to understand. When theyíre not abusive they reel you in with all their sweetness which makes you love them all over again. And then when they abuse, you want to leave. Itís most confusing and most maddening.

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    It wasnít all bad for so long.. he wooed me like crazy for months... things were great before we got married. With a few downs but not enough to make me walk away. It got worse just before the wedding and just after.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    No one needs to live together or marry so what do you mean by this? Did you or he get evicted, lose your job or need a visa? It sounds like a marriage of convenience. Continue therapy. It's odd this therapist hasn't advised to you to identify these cycles of violence and that you still think you can fix him. He doesn't need help, you do. You're the one staying in an abusive situation. He's fine with it. Why should he change when he knows you won't leave?
    Originally Posted by SingingRain
    It was out of necessity.

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