Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 7 1234 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 70

Thread: What type of personality disorder is this:

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Posts
    36

    What type of personality disorder is this:

    I've posted about my breakup on another thread but didn't go into too many details. I've journaled some of the experiences in my marriage and in trying to heal and understand, would like opinions of those who really have an impartial interest. In writing this, it almost seems absurd. Why would anyone stay in a toxic relationship? But it's not that easy to leave. My wife had a lot of good qualities and I wasn't always a saint. But I didn't even consider doing some of the things I wrote. The relationship was addictive, the crumbs of love were like a drug and I'm trying my best to break that addiction. It's hard to explain. If anyone has been there, I'd love to hear it.

    I apologize for the length, but this is actually edited quite a lot. It's cathartic to get it out.


    I met my wife in the newspaper ISO’s. We started dating in Dec. 1996. She had two children from a previous marriage and I had one. While dating and talking on the phone one night she told me that I wasn't a real parent because I only had one child. In thinking back, I guess that was a sign. We married within a year.

    Early in our marriage she criticized the way I ran and would imitate me in front of the kids, that the furniture in my house was junk (it was new), that I was a bad parent, that the food sucked, that I didn't have a real job and she didn't know me or who I was. She questioned whether I made any money. She slammed cabinets, doors, beat on tables, and shut herself in other rooms. She would also scream, “I’m done, put her kids in the car and leave. I’d chase her down, convince her to stay and tell her I love her. She would explain that it was a flight/ fight mechanism kicking in. The original issue would never be resolved. The slightest disagreement would set her off. She would tell me that sex sucked. She had an obsession with a HS boyfriend from 20 years prior and would talk about him constantly. She would ignore me, scream and make stuff up that I had to address. She would threaten to go out to have sex with other people. She would leave the house, come back and not say where she had gone.

    Friends fell off slowly but permanently. A neighbor asked me to play cards one night and she went ballistic about how her dad and brothers never did stuff like that and there was something wrong with me. She would create scenarios that didn't exist that I had to explain myself, like what would happen if co-workers wanted to go to a strip bar. We went to a wedding once and she walked off the dance floor, said I didn’t know how to dance and laughed at me. We didn’t dance again for 10 years. How I had bad character traits, no boundaries and was weak. I didn’t know how to fight back.

    We would pray at home and do devotionals. She would tell me I wasn't praying right and not reading the devotionals correctly. That I didn't understand God. She would quote scripture like it was fire and brimstone. She would cry in church. She wanted me to be a leader in our church. To become a member, go to membership classes and commit to tithing 10% of our income to the church. To be a church leader. I had no interest in that and it bothered her. I was already taking a leadership role in Scouts, managing little league teams, was president of the PTA and holding two jobs.
    I developed back pain as a result of all this. She wouldn’t let me go to a chiropractor.

    I had a new job that required me to travel a few days a month. Her jealousy was out of control. She would call restaurants where I had been eating to see how many people were in the party and if there were women there. She called my boss once. She would call the hotel I where I was staying. I walked on egg shells a lot. If she was mad, she’d swing her arms ready to fight and argue. I always gave in and Issues were never resolved. My back pain grew worse and more frequent. If we tried to talk, she would say she was so disparaged and defeated that she wanted to slit her wrists or walk out in front of a moving car. This would end any constructive conversation.

    My dad died in 2000 suddenly. It was devastating to me. The first night of his death, I hung out in the driveway drinking beer/reminiscing with my brothers. We smoked pot and went to bed about 1 or 2am. My wife went nuts, gave me a dissertation about not knowing who I was, that I couldn’t be trusted and that I was a liar. She didn’t let up for the next two days and I had to keep re-explaining myself, it was insidious. I was an emotional wreck and very vulnerable. The day of the funeral, she started in on me again first thing in the morning. I was late for my own father’s funeral.

    In 2001, her temper began to escalate. She only bought food when my son wasn’t there. She became increasingly agitated and smashed a bedroom door down when I tried to get space. In 2001, I told her I wanted a divorce. She pleaded and begged and we decided to try again. The anger never subsided and during one incident, smashed a large mirror on the floor in a tantrum. The next morning I obtained a protection from abuse order. She was removed from the home the next day.
    That should have been the end of any contact with her for the rest of my life.

    After divorcing, for some reason I continued to seek her out either for companionship or to try and rekindle our relationship. Normally I was rejected, but yet I went back for more. It took years for me to determine why (see below) We dated occasionally over a 7 year period, I was always hoping to get back together. During that period, she verbally attacked my niece (16 years old) for being insubordinate to my sister in law. My step-son had his iPod stolen once and SHE drove to the school campus, found a kid with an iPod outside of school, took it from him and forced him to prove that the songs on it were his own. She was lucky to not be arrested. SHE got a letter from domestic relations about her first husbands child support payments, became infuriated and drove to the courthouse to berate the counselor. I talked her down on the phone.

    Sometime during 2003 and 2004, SHE and I talked and really felt that she may have borderline personality disorder. She had been reading a lot about the subject (I hate you, don’t leave me) and she believed this was the reason for her erratic behavior. She believed it stemmed from her relationship with her mother. We found an expert in this field and attended counseling together. This lasted 6 to 8 sessions before we stopped talking.

    In 2009, SHE came back into the picture again, with a new found spirit and want of getting back together again, professing her love. All of this happened very quickly and foolishly, but I agreedFast forward… we remarried in June, 2009.

    The next 10 years moved quick. There were other incidents: she threw my work papers out the window onto the front lawn. She let our dog lay in his own barf cause she wanted to ‘show you what he did’? The sighing, the slamming, the rolling of the eyes all continued. She would cut me off when I was having a conversation with someone. She would suggest that I was wrong, even if she didn’t have an answer. The circle of idealizing me at one point and then criticizing me was endless. Always behind closed doors.

    She became a gun advocate, convinced that Muslims were all corrupt, and verbally attacked a neighbor one night about how Muslims are all bad. The neighbor is a Jew with Muslim friends and was taken off guard. I called the neighbor the next day to apologize. She paid for and joined a website that had sex counselors to teach different sex sensations, bought a bunch of devices and took courses. As fast as that started, it abruptly ended. We never talked about sex.

    She would sigh in disgust if I invited friends over, but would act happy when they visited. She wore the same pair of shorts for two weeks. I commented on it and she didn’t talk to me for two days.
    She thought her ‘gift’ and her ‘job’ was to counsel people. She spent about a month talking with nieces/nephews/friends about money and marital issues. Everyday, she would wake up and send texts, emails and reading material to these people and spend hours on the couch doing so. She said she was gifted. Predictably, those people tired of communicating and after about a month she stated that she didn’t have that ‘gift’ or special skill set and was a failure. When visiting her cousin in NY, she became so upset that he wasn’t following her advise to stop drinking, that she disowned him temporarily.

    She called my DIL on the phone once and berated her, told her my son was a bully and bullied my DIL into stuff and that she was ‘done’ with ‘all of that’. She also called my DILs mom. She sent an angry email out to the family. Later, she apologized to my DIL, called me up euphoric and said she had been ‘forgiven’.

    In 2017, she received a call from an attorney in TX who stated that her former boyfriend (A pastor) had passed away and did she want all the love letters she had sent. I didn’t inquire, I assumed they were from before we met. How or why the attorney got her cell phone number, I have no idea.

    She started Yoga. What started out as exercise became a several hour a day addiction in addition to workshops on the weekends. We rarely went out together. She would state that she was more enlightened than everyone else. Her food diet changed to plant based. She stopped buying food I ate. She snickered at people buying food she now deemed as unhealthy. She became a yogi with a guru. She went from 130lbs to about 115lb. Concerned with her health, in a very carefully and calm way, I said I had concerns that her diet and exercise program was causing her to lose too much weight and she had lost her skin elasticity, her skin tone and a healthy color. She clammed up and became upset. Then she told me that she’d hired a personal trainer. Egg shells. She conflicted with the personal trainer and only attended a few sessions.

    There were long periods of time where we weren’t close. We’d sleep on opposite sides of a bed for days at a time. We had a few arguments over the past couple of years that seemed to be escalating in nature and I began to see her in a different light. She slowed the criticisms of me down, but would ignore me if I was talking, take something out of context that I said or misstate what I had said. Many of my sentences would start out with “that’s not what I said” or “I didn’t say that”, which I now know as gaslighting. She would never acknowledge me. My feelings were never validated. If we had a sensitive discussion, she would leave the room. After things settled down, she would say she couldn’t have these discussions because she felt defeated and wanted to jump off our upper balcony. Over the course of ten years, I would say she made this comment about 8 times. Addressing this issue would become paramount and the original discussion lost.

    Near the end, she told me that she ‘always’ had one foot out the door. I told her I would not chase her down if she chose to leave again. One night, I stressed that I do everything in my power to keep our marriage together and that there is a massive imbalance of power in our relationship that needed to be resolved. It wasn’t fair. She smirked at me, walked upstairs and went to bed. That’s when I knew it was over. Emotional neglect on a grand scale. The next night she said, “you don’t care about my needs” and ‘you never meet my needs”. More untruths. The next morning she continued and I had had enough. She said the proverbial “I’m done”, which I had heard 100 times. I went into my office, shut the door and left. She has since sent me several texts, emails, etc., wanting to talk, but there was never an apology, admittance that she did anything wrong or anything similar. As a matter of fact, she has said I am hateful and in the next email said she holds me in high esteem.

    The game of Spades - Early in our 2nd marriage, we attempted several times to play a game of spades with friends. She would change the rules as the game went along, stating she was a competitive spades player in college and I didn’t know how to play. The next time we played, she would change the rules back to the first time and so on. It was crazy. I finally decided to not play, that was 10 years ago. Our relationship was that game of spades.

    I suffered PTSD dreams during our 2nd marriage. Each dream was similar. I would be in a situation where she and I had broken up and she would not speak to me. No matter what I did, she would not respond or tell me she loved me. I’d profess my love in these dreams but she wouldn’t respond in kind. I’d wake up in a cold sweat, tell her about it and she would console me, telling me she was right here and not going anywhere. However, during an argument once, she told me my dreams were going to become a reality if things didn’t change. This was manipulation. In retrospect, I believe these dreams were reality. I really wasn’t able to talk to her in real life and she never responded in kind.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    39,596
    Gender
    Male
    How long ago was all this? Are you legally divorced?

  3. #3
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Posts
    36
    It ended about 3 months ago and spanned 20 years. Divorce will be finalized in about a month.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    39,596
    Gender
    Male
    Excellent. Hopefully you are living apart and have taken care of your kids in all this. You could speculate anything you want from drugs/drinking to whatever mental/physical illness you want, but you can't erase anything. Maybe get a restraining order if she still acts crazy. All you can do. Focus on yourself and getting the care you need to see you through this.
    Originally Posted by DKA
    It ended about 3 months ago and spanned 20 years. Divorce will be finalized in about a month.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Posts
    36
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Excellent. Hopefully you are living apart and have taken care of your kids in all this. You could speculate anything you want from drugs/drinking to whatever mental/physical illness you want, but you can't erase anything. Maybe get a restraining order if she still acts crazy. All you can do. Focus on yourself and getting the care you need to see you through this.
    Thanks. Kids are all grown and gone. I'm focused on myself. It is very hard.

  7. #6
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Posts
    973
    I am not a therapist by any stretch of the imagination and, although I have no idea of what type of personality disorder this is, I can definitely say that she is a profoundly mentally ill person (sorry). Her behaviour is so ridiculously out of line towards everyone. I'd be very afraid if I were you. I can relate as to why you'd want to save your marriage because at some level you love(?)/care for her but you are not being realistic . No one deserves to be treated this way!!! This woman desperately needs help and it is beyond your power to do that. IMHO, she should be committed or, at the very least, get some anger management help. She is verbally and emotionally abusive. Why on God's green earth are you allowing her to treat you this way??????

    Your divorce will be the best thing that will happen to you in the near future. Trust me. Been there, done that (although my situation was nowhere near what yours was/is). Please, do your best to be kind to yourself and heal from this horrible situation, OP. I know it's vry hard but take baby steps and one day at a time, and you will get there. Hang in there, OK? Sending you some virtual hugs.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,928
    Gender
    Female
    Honestly, the answer might be that she is not mentally ill - some people are just mean or have learned to belittle people and are abusive - possibly because they were abused themselves.

    The bigger question is - where were your boundaries this whole time? Why did you accept this behavior early on instead of "nexting" her. Its easy to place the blame and be the "sweet, poor man" who had a horrid wife, but the responsibilty or accepting and pursuing her lies with you as well. And you were very quick to get married. AND you went back for marriage #2...that is what you really need to examine.

    I was in a abusive marriage and though I didn't deserve abuse, I accepted and processed why i would accept an abusive person initially. You should do the same instead of "diagnosing" her.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    10,951
    Gender
    Female
    Well...no stranger on internet boards is qualified or can identify for you just what kind of disorder she has. Safe to say, some kind of cluster B or colloquially, psycho. So what would a label do for you exactly? Make you feel sorry for her so you can go back for round 3? I hope not. One thing to understand is that people like her do not get healed, do not get cured, only seek help to manipulate others back into their control, and most critically....they get increasingly worse with age.

    I think what you need to give up on is hope that you are harboring that somehow she'll morph into a completely different person and you'll finally have the relationship and happiness that you seek.....OR.....that someone else will have that with her, which is particularly scary for you. Thing is that normalcy and happiness doesn't exist for the disordered and she'll never ever change or get better because deep down inside, she doesn't think she is broken. Who she is works for her. Think on it - you put up with her abuse for 20 years and even after splitting up once, went begging for more. It works for her.

    What you should address is what you control - yourself and what's broken inside of you that you need to live this way. I say need because you are already suffering from drama withdrawal. Please get help, get counseling, do what you need to do to get healthy for you.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    1,834
    It doesn't really matter OP. Some people are just a$$holes and there is no understanding it. Even if you did know, what would it matter? You need to focus on you vs what's wrong with her.

    This sounds a lot like my relationship with my ex... he behaved in a similar way to your ex... he was critical, sarcastic, arrogant, angry and narcissistic but when he wanted to be he could also be loving and fun to be around with a big heart.

    We were together for 15 years and it was very difficult for me to understand why he was the way he was... I blamed myself, and I blamed him, and continued to try and twist myself into a pretzel to make him happy, without ever looking at my part in the situation.

    At the end of the day, my biggest lesson learned was that in all of my relationships which until now have all been with controlling, angry and arrogant men, I chose these people because it gave me a way to avoid looking at myself. It's pretty easy to blame someone else for the relationship issues when they are the clear a$$hole in the situation... however it also gave me an excuse to fight back, to not communicate, and to never have to fix any of my own anxieties or broken relationship issues, because it was his fault for being the a$$hole you know? And if he was going to treat me this way then I needed to be able to defend myself right? I found comfort in being a victim and a martyr because that's what was familiar to me... but I knew if I wanted something different, I had to learn to be different.

    I needed to take responsibility, and to learn how to have a healthy relationship, which is what I did after we split up. It took me 3 years to get over him and I am still not totally over him... but every day it gets better, and my triggers don't have the same impact on my life as they used to, and I become a better person in all of my relationships... friendships, family, and my current partner.

    It's early days but if you invest time into why you stayed and what you are hiding behind by accepting this type of treatment from someone, and you are open to change and learning about yourself, you will find that eventually you move on, find relief, and ultimately freedom from this situation.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    22,914
    You need to understand what attracted you to this dynamic, and why you stayed. You allowed this bully to treat you like garbage, when you should have left shortly after marrying.

    This was also terrible for your kids to be exposed to.

    I hope to God that you do not go another round! Please seek therapy to deal with your lack of boundaries and low self worth. I'm sorry, but you were an active participant in this.

Page 1 of 7 1234 ... LastLast

Videos


Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems

Friendship Between Men and Women Often Involves Attraction

Infidelity
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •