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Thread: On & Off Emotionally Abusive Marriage... I am Deciding Whether to Stay or Leave

  1. #71
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    If a person says he is being abused in some way in a domestic situation and wants support and that person is a stranger to me that support would be two things. One, showing sympathy as in "I am sorry to hear you are in this situation." Then the more important support would be for me to recommend that the person find resources in his/her area like a domestic violence advocacy organization, legal services if needed, and/or mental health services -some form of external resource that is a support. I would not be comfortable giving a form of support that suggested the abused person should remain in the situation or in any way enable/help the person justify why to stay. Even if I knew the person I'd probably do the same thing but then give more specific referrals to resources and perhaps offer to help the person get to those resources.

  2. #72
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like you both dish it out pretty badly, but you want him to change or not fight back. All you can do is get help for the anger issues and learn better conflict resolution skills.
    Originally Posted by SingingRain
    we have raging, screaming horrific fights with mean, cruel insults thrown, initiated by him. He's the one who raises his voice first, and then I respond in kind.

  3. 10-08-2019, 02:15 PM

  4. 10-08-2019, 05:59 PM

  5. 10-10-2019, 06:50 AM

  6. #73
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Again, you have to realize using the word Ďabuseí will often cause people to react strongly, ie telling you to leave.

    Had you painted your situation differently, I think you may have gotten different reactions.

    For example:

    My husband and I have communication issues. Our marriage is good but during fights tempers seem to be extreme and our fights are not healthy. He insists on continuing to fight even when I try to walk away. I am very stressed out about this situation and am seeking support and help with ways to diffuse this situation.

    Is different from the post you wrote, one needs to kinda decipher what you want which as others have pointed out may be whatís causing so much tension in your marriage, like I said, you seem to like to flirt with the disaster button just a bit much and it makes it hard to get through to you.

    Itís not that no one cares.

    Itís not that anyone wants to beat you up.

    You most likely donít realize this but you are coming off a bit petulant.

    No judgement, I come off cold often on this board and real life, but Iím not, Iím actually a very nice person, I just have to work on verbilizing myself in effective ways. I think you do as well.
    He IS abusive when we fight... he uses textbook abuse tactics. I have studied abuse for YEARS.. I have been abused before in many relationships. I have read many books and articles on emotional and verbal abuse tactics. I have gone over those tactics with my therapist. She confirms that he uses abuse tactics and IS controlling of me. I have not hit the alarm button. I could have worded my original post differently, yes, but I become upset and reactive when ppl try to tell me I am seeking attn, playing victim and the such. This thread made me walk away from this forum.

    I am in a dilemma. When he's not abusive, he's awesome. I don't understand why people cannot seem to understand that it's not so black and white. That when he's loving, I want to stay, and when he's abusive, I want to leave. I have immensely conflicted feelings, which holds me or keeps me in a holding pattern.

    I have sought help. I have reached out to friends about this.. I have confided in my therapist. I have confided in my sister. I have a resource for a lawyer. I am making plans financially to leave, IF I decide to leave. I am setting myself up so that I am covered JUST IN CASE I decide to leave by the time our apt lease is up in June.

    I came here for an additional resource to help me figure out my conflicted feelings.

    And I walked away from this thread & forum when ppl start accusing me of playing the victim and seeking attn, when in fact, I AM a victim of emotional and verbal abuse ON AND OFF in my marriage. When ppl accuse an abuse victim of playing victim, that is called VICTIM BLAMING and VICTIM SHAMING.

    What i need is to figure this out..... But I will have to figure it out on my own and with my therapist.

    I thank you for your thoughtful post. And I thank all those who have gone to the trouble to also write a thoughtful and supportive post. I appreciate it.

  7. #74
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    Of course it's not black and white. No one said it was or even suggested it was. Here is what is clear. If you are in an abusive relationship -and you say you are an abuse victim -even if there are good times - the go to solution is to leave that abusive situation ASAP. There's no gray area there. Once you are physically separate you can work on your conflicted feelings. Conflicted feelings are normal of course. You feel what you feel. But reacting to conflicted feelings by staying in what you say is an abusive situation is a bad choice. Your conflicted feelings are not keeping you in a holding pattern. Your choices are. Your reactions to your feelings are to choose to stay. You're not a passive bystander.

    For example -how would you feel if your partner said "but I can't help myself but lash out at you and throw things when I'm frustrated that you opened a new reddi whip when we still had some left in the other can. It's not so black and white. I feel conflicted because on the one hand I want to just let it go or say calmly to you 'hey hun can you please not open a new reddi whip when we still have some in the old can, thanks!" but I just can't help my feelings -my feelings keep me in a pattern of lashing out at you and throwing things when I see the two cans open"

    You want your partner to react to frustration or even anger by dealing with it in any way except by being abusive to you. Right? You're not going to buy "but I can't help myself!". But yet you're making the same excuse for staying.

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  9. 10-10-2019, 10:12 AM

  10. #75
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    Itís on and off abusive. It is not always abusive or else Iíd leave. I guess based on what youíre saying yes Iím choosing to stay. Or based on what Iíve said, I may also leave.

  11. #76
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    I don't understand why people cannot seem to understand that it's not so black and white. That when he's loving, I want to stay, and when he's abusive, I want to leave. I have immensely conflicted feelings, which holds me or keeps me in a holding pattern.
    You think no one understands what you are going through?? That's a rather arrogant and hurtful thing to say given the diversity and wealth of experience on this board. It's not that no one understands, it's that we DO and are trying to prevent you from going through the same thing.

    I think you are only seeing what you want to see OP... several of us have empathized and even shared our own stories of abuse at the hands of a partner... for whatever reason you are choosing to focus on the parts that you see as judgmental / critical of your situation... instead of the parts where people are lovingly suggesting that as an adult that is fully functional mentally and physically, you have free will.

    Are you responsible for his abuse and the way he talks to you? Of course not! You have no control over what he says or does and it isn't your fault that he reacts the way he does to conflict. This is where you are powerless, because the way he communicates is hurtful and damaging, and nothing you do or say will change that.

    My ex husband was emotionally and verbally abusive... I loved him because he was social, charming, generous, funny, engaging, and capable of deep compassion and empathy for others... for the first year we were together, it was magical.... then we had our first major conflict. I was in school, and a single mom without family or friends nearby, exhausted, stressed and focused on trying to make a better life for myself and my kid.... he was angry and hurt that I wasn't spending enough time with him... he called me selfish, that I wasn't there for him, told me I could change it if I wanted to.... and thus began 15 years of ever worsening anger on his part... when I would try to leave the situation he would chase after me yelling and screaming... stand in front of my car raging... banging on my window... he smashed the doors in more than once when I would try and lock him out... would power text me for sometimes 2 days straight calling me every name in the book, telling me he hated me, that I was selfish, that I didn't care about him, that I was a cold-hearted , that he didn't want to spend time with me because I wasn't "fun" enough, that I wasn't affectionate enough, that nothing I did mattered because it didn't fix how he was feeling. He would talk badly about my family, be critical of my parenting, of my kid. He read my diary once and went ballistic because I was venting about him in there. There are many more things... like when I had a medical procedure and was stuck in bed, he used that as an opportunity to trap me into listening to him rant about how much of a $hitty person I was.

    Oh but wait, he wasn't like that ALL the time. In the beginning it was just once in awhile... it escalated slowly over time.... and oooh I felt sorry for him because he was broken, a sad little kid, he couldn't help it, it was my fault for not being happy enough, not being caring enough, not spending enough time with him, for moving his receipts from the coffee table to a shelf somewhere else, for not making the food he liked, for being too independent, for being too happy.

    Notice that after 15 years together, the bad times are the ones that stand out not the good ones.

    Maybe it's not like that for you right now OP... at the end of the day I hope to god that it won't be... in reality it probably will be, because your husband knows he can get away with saying anything he wants and that you will stay and put up with it as payment for those good times you experience.

  12. #77
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    So now Iím arrogant. Iíve been called arrogant, attn seeking and playing victim on this thread. What I am feeling is that many of you are mean people. I apologize if my statement was hurtful. Not my intention in the least. Little do you know that Iím like one of the nicest people in the world.. Iím a huge sweetheart. But on here Iím getting mean insults. I donít feel listened to on here.. not by several ppl at least.

    And once again Iím choosing to exit.

  13. #78
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    Perhaps many of you have been through it and don’t want to see someone else doing the same when the signs are there. I’ve made it clear on here that I’m not ready to leave. I am deciding. I am uncertain. I’ve said all I can say. I stand up to him, I don’t let him get away with every little instance of abuse. I call him out and I stand up for myself. He backs down. Maybe my situation is very different I don’t know.

  14. #79
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Victim blaming and victim shaming.

    I donít know if you remember, but earlier on this post I pointed out that some use Ďabuseí as a shield, you canít be critical towards me you can only coddle me, I am abused!!!

    I have been punched in the face, kicked in the face, and spit in the face, by a man who fits very little of the google diagnosis bull, I have worked with and counseled rape victims, so I donít have that fear, that defense doesnít work on me, I been where you are and Iíve helped women who have been where you are, you are right you need support, support does not equal coddling though.

    I think I may have told this story here before, I had a neighbor who tried to help me, she could hear my getting hit all the screaming etc. one night when I was in my car crying my eyes out not knowing what to do, she came to me and asked me, do you want help, or she may have said do you want to leave, I cried in response yes!!! She told me to call that number and they will help me, but I have to be serious, I have to be ready to leave, I told her ok, she walked away... I never called... I wasnít really ready to leave, I like you just wanted to feel sorry for myself, but I was still wanting to be an active participant in the relationship, what would have been the point of wasting her time?

    I think thatís what people are saying, thereís no point in supporting you through this since you already have that, you have support, you have a therapist, how much more help do you need enduring this relationship?!? Thatís a serious question, I promise Iím not being belittling or anything Iím saying think about it, you have all these resourses and itís still not enough...

    Another telling thing you donít even recognize youíre doing youíre saying well I researched abuse ive had many relationships that were abusive, I was abused as a child, thatís an even bigger red flag that you need to get out!!! Itís a cycle you donít seem to be able to or want to get out of but itís one slowly destroying you

    Or

    And I hate to say this, I really do but itís a huge possibility... you are throwing the word around as defense and the situation, as you say isnít as black and white. You say heís demeaning and cruel when you fight and you return the fire... making this mutual combat... if Iím drunk in a bar and a woman swings at me and I swing back, weíre probably both going to jail... if you participate in the toxicity it is in your power to simply walk away.

    Like I said my ex husband fit very few google facts, there were times he was cruel unprovoked, but there were much more times when our dynamic, our fights led to the abuse, because of my own brokenness, I fed into our dynamic.

    If I never owned my part and worked with my therapist Iím sure Iíd be in another abusive relationship myself. Itís still hard, recognizing the signs, itís a struggle, the first step in recovery for you though is going to be some self reflection.

    I wish you luck, I truly do, this is not an easy road to walk.

  15. #80
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    I¬ím too frustrated on here. I¬ím having to defend myself against insults and attacks and I am not getting the help and support I need. How much more support do I need??? How insulting is that? I need a lot of support right now but clearly this is not the place for me to get it. I¬ím not looking for coddling. I¬ím 49 and am a grown adult. I can take care of myself. But I¬ím done with all the insults on here. Who doesnít fight back when verbal insults are thrown? Or when youíre getting g attacked verbally and abused? Let me ask you that. I donít take it lying down.. the abuse that is. I fight back. And that doesnít work either.

    I will stick to the Facebook groups I joined on marriage and abuse. Iíve found far better support there than on here and far greater compassion for my situation.

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