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Thread: On & Off Emotionally Abusive Marriage... I am Deciding Whether to Stay or Leave

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by SingingRain
    thank you..... it is very scary the thought of breaking up. SO much is at stake!!!! it would be traumatic to say the least and earth shattering. Our lives are completely intertwined, including our social circle of friends which is mutual. The only way it could happen is if he completely pushes me over the edge. That's the only way. As you said, if I can take it no longer...... or if I fall out of love.
    Happy to help. Hope everything works out for you.

  2. #32
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    Originally Posted by Leah33
    Happy to help. Hope everything works out for you.

    Thank you SO much!

  3. #33
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    Dr. Joy Browne, a talk radio psychologist who passed away too soon three years ago used to ask callers "if you won the lottery tomorrow would you stay or go?"
    You're 49 (I'm 53 married 10 years) - were you ever financially independent? Why would you need to save $ to afford your own place -haven't you lived on your own for years? What's your job situation?My sense is part of the issue is, unfortunately, he knows you are financially dependent on him.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    It sounds like you're committed to two things—him, and the idea of him, the thing he represents to you. This is always the case, to some degree. But generally we hope that by the time we are married that the person, and what you have together, has eclipsed the idea enough that it's no longer so powerful or needed for sanity and stability.

    The idea is like those rockets used to propel spacecrafts into space: they provide some needed thrust, early, before falling away and disintegrating. Then you are in orbit—or, well, not. If things go wrong you are burning up.

    You're burning up a bit. The rockets are gone. Time to go the control board. Time to get real, practical, pragmatic.

    Subtract your life history—abusive father, abusive fiancé, and so on—and he is just a man on planet earth, one you've known for less than a year and half and have been married to for five months. In your life story he is, so far, a blip. Find some comfort in that truth, right now, because ultimately that is what has to be amazing, workable, stable, sustainable.

    And that truth—less loaded, less pressurized—gives you room to assess yourself, and see about changing some of your behavior, to see if you can become less reactive and to see how he reacts to that, how you guys shift as a unit, or not.

    Does that make sense?

    The astronaut may have prayed and prayed to one day go to space, beginning when he was a little boy starring up at the stars while his parents fought inside the house. But when he is in the ship, and all the red lights are flashing, the person he is turning toward to see if he can stabilize is himself—not those stars, not those boyhood dreams.

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    I am just reading Codependency No More by Melody Beattie and when I read this, it made me think of this thread and all the times we stay in relationships past their due date...

    “Much of what causes codependency is people becoming stuck in a stage of grief, and then making that stuck behavior a way of life. When denial runs our life, it’s because we’re facing the loss of something we’re not prepared to lose.

    For example, losing our marriage and all the dreams that accompany it is a major loss, not something that comes easy. Facing it can create a lot of grief. It’s normal to want to control the loss, or make whatever’s happening stop taking place.”

  7. #36
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Dr. Joy Browne, a talk radio psychologist who passed away too soon three years ago used to ask callers "if you won the lottery tomorrow would you stay or go?"
    You're 49 (I'm 53 married 10 years) - were you ever financially independent? Why would you need to save $ to afford your own place -haven't you lived on your own for years? What's your job situation?My sense is part of the issue is, unfortunately, he knows you are financially dependent on him.

    I've been financially independent all of my life and I make 90K a year. I have to save 5K to move out IF I leave because that's what it costs to move to a new apartment. I am not financially dependent on him. It's the other way around.. a little bit. And yes, I've lived on my own most of my adult life.

  8. #37
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    @blluecastle, yes that makes sense. I want this to work. I don't think it's the dream of... it's what I wanted in life... a life partner. And he is a partner.

  9. #38
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    Originally Posted by maew
    I am just reading Codependency No More by Melody Beattie and when I read this, it made me think of this thread and all the times we stay in relationships past their due date...

    “Much of what causes codependency is people becoming stuck in a stage of grief, and then making that stuck behavior a way of life. When denial runs our life, it’s because we’re facing the loss of something we’re not prepared to lose.

    For example, losing our marriage and all the dreams that accompany it is a major loss, not something that comes easy. Facing it can create a lot of grief. It’s normal to want to control the loss, or make whatever’s happening stop taking place.”

    I thought co-dependency is when you try to save someone else at your own expense (health, mental health or otherwise)? I don't believe I am trying to "save" him.... I found out much later what the story is here... after piecing it all together after many months. At first I thought he was literally the answer to my prayers.

    I am definitely not prepared to leave my marriage after such a short time. It's not denial, I have a therapist and am working with my therapist on the issues I face in my marriage. I have faced it all in my mind... I even joined Facebook groups about abuse and control in marriage. But I am still not prepared to leave... not mentally, emotionally or financially.
    Last edited by SingingRain; 10-08-2019 at 07:57 AM.

  10. #39
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    I really appreciate everyone's concerns and help on this. It helps me simply to just talk it through and to talk about it on here.

    To me, it's all gray.... it's not black and white. No one truly knows the full story except for me, and what I experience in this marriage. As I had written before, when things are good, it's wonderful and it's hard to imagine leaving. He can be the most loving and endearing person when things are stable and good between us. When things flare up, that's when I get a knee jerk reaction and I feel like leaving. It's a dichotomy. He's not all abusive and he's not all wonderful and a bed of roses either. He's difficult, but I feel I love him. Like right now, I feel I love him. That makes it harder when you feel you love the person.

    Someone before on here had said it may take one instance where he pushes me too far over the edge, or I get to a point where I am no longer feeling I love him. That resonated with me.

    We have built a home together, we have purchased many things together for our home, we have debt together and I am financially tied to him because of that debt and I co-singed on a car for him. There's financial entanglement and there's also our shared social circle. Marriage is not like a regular relationship where one day you can easily just decide and say "I'm walking away". Marriage is a commitment on many levels.....

    I have therapy tonight, and I hope it helps. I will bring many of the concerns and comments to therapy tonight. She is objective, she doesn't tell me what to do, and she helps me, so that's good.

  11. #40
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You can also journal on this site rather than ask for help in the 'abuse and violence' section : [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by SingingRain
    I will bring many of the concerns and comments to therapy tonight. She is objective, she doesn't tell me what to do, and she helps me, so that's good.

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