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Thread: On & Off Emotionally Abusive Marriage... I am Deciding Whether to Stay or Leave

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by SingingRain
    Thank you all for your replies!

    I am in individual therapy addressing the issues I face in my marriage. I have a plan to save money so that I can move out in June when our lease ends in case I decide I must leave. I am also forming new friendships with people who can support me through this.

    To clarify, I would not rather be abused than be alone. Itís not as black and white as that. When heís being abusive I want to leave.. and when things are good, itís great and I become confused and think I should stay.

    Iíve also set boundaries with him.. like you canít yell at me. Itís unacceptable behavior that I wonít tolerate. I do walk away sometimes and sometimes I feed into his anger and reply back in anger.

    There were some signs of this before we married but I made a condition of marriage that he never raise his voice at me. We had three blissful months before the wedding until he chose to blow up at me just beforehand. Then it briefly got worse after we married.

    Now weíre in a peaceful period but Iím sure another blowup is due. Heís the one who refuses therapy, not myself. He refuses help, I do not.

    I honestly donít know what to do or how to feel. I think I do still love him, the good parts of him, which is what makes it harder.

    There are several other issues at play as well that are bothersome to me and which add to the list of negatives. What I want to learn is strengthening my boundaries and sticking to my limits. He can throw tantrums when I say no to something. I need to not bend when he does this. And I need to not be afraid of saying no just because he might blow up in anger.

    I do need to focus more on my own life and on having a life. We do everything together so thereís little opportunity for independence.

    We knew each other for over a year before marriage. We had a whirlwind courtship and moved in together very quickly , after only two months. It was out of necessity. Had that not happened I would have taken things much more slowly and I may not have married him in that case. But whatís done is done and now Iím deciding...
    I don't understand why you would think that he would morph into a decent human being, simply because you were married. UGH! This is who he is, and has showed you all along.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    No one needs to live together or marry so what do you mean by this? Did you or he get evicted, lose your job or need a visa? It sounds like a marriage of convenience. Continue therapy. It's odd this therapist hasn't advised to you to identify these cycles of violence and that you still think you can fix him. He doesn't need help, you do. You're the one staying in an abusive situation. He's fine with it. Why should he change when he knows you won't leave?
    Long-ish story but we both needed a place to live. We didnít marry out of convenience. We married because we fell in love. And that is how I felt just before and until he blew up at me just before the wedding. I can change my own reactions to him, I can have stronger boundaries and limits and I can push back, all of which Iíve done. It may take just one more blowup though and for all I know before I call it quits.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I don't understand why you would think that he would morph into a decent human being, simply because you were married. UGH! This is who he is, and has showed you all along.
    I dont think that way. He is Jekyll and Hyde. He has a good side and a bad side. Itís confusing.

  4. #14
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    No one is always abusive, or their partners would not stick around. Either you will continue with this miserable relationship, or get out.

  5.  

  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    No one is always abusive, or their partners would not stick around. Either you will continue with this miserable relationship, or get out.
    Yes... I go back and forth on it. Like I said itís confusing.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by SingingRain
    I dont think that way. He is Jekyll and Hyde. He has a good side and a bad side. Itís confusing.
    It is not confusing. This is very common.

  8. #17
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    Unfortunately this is adding to your denial, cognitive dissonance and rationalizing. Speak to your therapist about what is really going on. Either learn to get along with him or leave.
    Originally Posted by SingingRain
    we both needed a place to live.

  9. #18
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    Umm.. maybe Iíve come to the wrong support site. Iím looking for understanding and compassion from people who have been through it. Not for criticisms and confrontational statements. Iím not in denial. Can anyone understand my situation?? If not Iím leaving this site.

  10. #19
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    I think that we are giving you good advice. No one is going to advise you to stay with someone who is abusive.

    You made an active choice to marry someone who is very toxic. Don't you think it is time you made the right decision. You are not a victim, here. You are choosing to stay with someone who is bad for YOU!

  11. #20
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    Your therapist is probably the best person to guide you through all this so you can decide.
    Originally Posted by SingingRain
    Iím looking for understanding and compassion from people who have been through it. Can anyone understand my situation?

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