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Thread: I need some outsiders input on my relationship

  1. #1
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    I need some outsiders input on my relationship

    My partner and I have been together for 4.5 years, weíre both on the verge of turning 30. We have a 12 week old baby together and own a house together.
    To say weíve had some hurdles is an understatement over the entire time weíve been together. I think Iíve stayed through many times that I should have left. He used to be an awful drunk, well he still is, but he doesnít drink much at all anymore. He used to get really violent, not with me directly but he would throw things, punch things, want to fight people at the pub, heíd abuse taxi drivers etc. Thankfully that is far behind us.
    Heís lied to me multiple times in the past, Iíve caught him doing it. Not big lies, but enough to make me question how much I can trust him. Again, this isnít recently really but in saying that Iíve been very baby-focussed with our new bub.
    So the current situation is - he works 40 hours a week and is home by 3pm every day. Our baby is basically in my care for 23 hours and 45 mins per day. He takes her whilst I have a shower thatís about it. I do 90% of the housework and he might organise dinner once a week. I do all of the washing. No matter how much I say I need more help he just seems to get his way out of it one way or another. Or he will do better for a couple days then back to normal. Heís pretty into gaming which during my pregnancy caused many many arguments as he just wanted to play PlayStation all the time. This new addiction is only since last year, before than he never gamed. I hate it with a passion. Heís always swearing at the tv and talking with his gamer friends online out loud. He is getting better but Iíve had to ask him to shoosh so many times as the baby and I are sleeping. Heís now allowed to play 2 nights a week thatís the deal, if it were upto me it would be 0 but Iím trying to be fair. Even though I get no nights off to do anything for myself.
    We have very little romance. Iíve tried to make a lot of effort in that department in hopes that he will reciprocate but to no avail. He knows itís an issue for me but I canít force him to be a certain way if itís just not him.
    I donít get the ďdrive safeĒ texts or anything if the weather is bad. If heís with mates he wonít reply for ages. You get the gist.
    We do laugh a lot when things are good and generally get on well. But in saying that I have all of this running through my head almost all the time lately. I love him very much but I just feel that Iíll never have the love I want from him. I know he loves me so much but the way he lets me down and doesnít show me, it hurts a lot and Iím really starting to get over it. He tells me what I want to hear but rarely follows through. It makes me feel stupid now as it happens all the damn time.
    Iíve always been supportive of everything he does and put in effort with his friends and things he enjoys, but when it comes to one of my family events or something with my friends (which heís never wanted to do anything with), he will sit it out if he doesnít want to go. Most of the time he does join me for family things but there have been times Iíve had to lie for him because he just didnít want to come.
    What is this? Does he have little respect for me? Am I being taken for granted?
    Please tell me what this looks like from an outsiders perspective.
    Thanks for reading my post, itís a little long.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    He works 40 hours a week to pay the bills. He wants something for himself too, that's his gaming.

    It's stressful for him too being as there is a new baby, things have changed between you two as well due to the new baby and there's a huge adjustment for that.

    Him gaming two nights a week is not a lot to ask as he needs some kind of life too. I know, you don't feel you have one either. But maybe you can ask him to watch the baby even one night so you can go out with your girlfriends or be home and do something you enjoy.

    You both need time away to do your own things, even if its in small amounts.

    As for not wanting to go out with your family or friends it depends on how much he does it. If he hardly ever goes, then yes, it's a problem. But if it's only once in a while, then I don't see it as the worst thing ever if he isn't wanting to always go.

  3. #3
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    Hi Bluegirl, I am sorry you are feeling this way. I know several couples who were young parents and the man did not get involved much until the baby was about 3. Otherwise they left majority of duties to their partners.
    I also know a couple who sleep with the baby 2 times a week so the other parent can rest properly.
    It depends what the couple agree together.
    It is a challenging time for couples. Older men have less energy for this and younger tend to hold on the the youth, friends and games.
    I guess some men would like to keep things as the same as possible before the baby was born.
    Can you two have a heart to heart conversation about your family and how can you work it out and provide more support for each other.
    Also ask him " what can I do to be a better partner for you ?"
    We tend to focus on pointing out wrong things. But surprise him and ask him that. This may open dialog.
    I know others may disagree with this but sometimes approaching issue with warmth does help.
    When I did that once, I melted his heart and he cuddled me for a long time. We spoke openly and it got us closer.
    I know you are under a lot of pressure. I really hope things will get better.

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    I agree. Hence the gaming 2 nights a week.
    Unfortunately if I want a night to do something for myself or with a girlfriend it wouldnít happen.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Congrats on the new baby. Work things out together. He started up this hobby last year only which seems to indicate to me that he's used it to fill a void also. Perhaps you both reached a lull in your relationship with your pregnancy or you checked out of a lot of things. Was it a rough (difficult) pregnancy?

    Long term couples sometimes reach slower episodes or lulls in the relationship. Don't nitpick or come at him like he's the enemy or his new hobby. Tell him that you miss him more and would like more of your old romance back. You see a problem with his gaming (and it may very well be a problem to you) but don't antagonize him or push him into a corner when you're talking about it. Both of you have to come together - genuinely/with open hearts. There is no magic wand for this or abracadabra spell.

    How frequent are the family outtings and what are their nature? Some may be too obscure like a cousin's niece's daughter's birthday. Some may involve family members he doesn't get along with or perhaps they don't like him. The dynamics aren't there. I think this hurts you because you don't have that romantic connection deep down. If you did, it wouldn't matter so much.

    The main point is to start reconnecting in the romance department and being more in tune with each other. You're not very connected right now. Good for you for recognizing those signs and don't ignore the feelings of neglect.

  7. #6
    Bronze Member WaywardKiwi's Avatar
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    Hi Bluegirl,

    Originally Posted by Bluegirl17
    What is this? Does he have little respect for me? Am I being taken for granted?
    Taking all you have described at face-value, then the answers to these questions are surely obvious. This is a dysfunctional relationship. Yes, he does have little respect for you. Yes, he is taking you for granted.

    Originally Posted by Bluegirl17
    Please tell me what this looks like from an outsiders perspective.
    However, if I am honest, and speak only to my own outside perspective, this looks like a woman who has reached a point where passion and love has been replaced with no small measure of contempt. Whatever the truth in your account, this is how you feel; the reality you are living with, and have been for sometime. Many of the issues you describe are not new occurences, though they are surely exacerbated but the stresses of a newborn. And this is not new to you; you were here 2 years ago, questioning this relationship. In that post, you describe a kind of void of feeling; an uncertainty that he was right for you. You received some advice then to end it. I fear perhaps that was good advice.

    I don't mean to attack you, but we can only speak to what you have posted here and how it reflects on your feelings in the relationship. If he is not and will not giving you the relationship you need, and has not for sometime, then you know what you need to do. Just please, do it with grace and compassion for the sake of your new child.

    Best of luck,

    T

  8. #7
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    Thanks, I will try asking him that.
    We have really big talks about once a week lately, as things just havenít been too good. He promises a lot but doesnít follow through. Maybe a different approach might work.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Yes, he does have little respect for you. Yes, he is taking you for granted.
    What??!! Why? Because he games twice a week and doesn't always want to go out? He wants a life of his own too, but he's not texting other women, he's not out all night getting drunk, he's not sitting at home and not working and being a slob.

    He is trying to do the right thing and take care of his family but he has to have a life too at least in some small respect.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm a big proponent of working things out. I think you should work on the relationship as there are too many details lacking to indicate that this is worth ending anything over. Of course the situation may be more sinister or subversive and manipulative than is written above. I don't know all the details. Maybe answering more questions might help.

    Originally Posted by Bluegirl17
    No matter how much I say I need more help he just seems to get his way out of it one way or another. Or he will do better for a couple days then back to normal.
    Originally Posted by Bluegirl17
    Unfortunately if I want a night to do something for myself or with a girlfriend it wouldnít happen.
    What I have a problem with are the parts above. Those things need to be worked on.

    You should never feel like your opinion or thoughts are invalidated even if he disagrees with you. Both of you should be disagreeing and agreeing with each other constructively and more practically (more communication).

    You just carried a baby for nine months. I think after twelve weeks you should be going for a nice dinner or out with your friends to celebrate. If you don't trust him with the baby, you have much bigger problems than what he thinks. What he thinks is irrelevant if he's not to be trusted with the child. Do you trust him or do you feel he's so disengaged that he can't be left alone with the child?

    There should be some semblance of equality in your partnership with him.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by WaywardKiwi
    Hi Bluegirl,



    Taking all you have described at face-value, then the answers to these questions are surely obvious. This is a dysfunctional relationship. Yes, he does have little respect for you. Yes, he is taking you for granted.



    However, if I am honest, and speak only to my own outside perspective, this looks like a woman who has reached a point where passion and love has been replaced with no small measure of contempt. Whatever the truth in your account, this is how you feel; the reality you are living with, and have been for sometime. Many of the issues you describe are not new occurences, though they are surely exacerbated but the stresses of a newborn. And this is not new to you; you were here 2 years ago, questioning this relationship. In that post, you describe a kind of void of feeling; an uncertainty that he was right for you. You received some advice then to end it. I fear perhaps that was good advice.

    I don't mean to attack you, but we can only speak to what you have posted here and how it reflects on your feelings in the relationship. If he is not and will not giving you the relationship you need, and has not for sometime, then you know what you need to do. Just please, do it with grace and compassion for the sake of your new child.

    Best of luck,

    T
    As stated in my post, there is no lack of love for this man on my behalf, I love him very much and continue to put in effort in hopes that my affection and romance will be reciprocated. As sometimes it is in small doses. Weíve come a long way together, and I donít think Ďcontemptí is a fair of you to state. Iím simply an exhausted new mum who needs some input and encouragement as I donít feel like Iím getting as much as I need at home. For myself, him and the sake of our new child I plan on keeping my family together. Youíre right in that you can only speak to what I have posted on here, which is only a snippet. Maybe I didnít mention many good things and I should have. If it were that bad, I would leave. I would have left a long time ago. But I have reasons to stay, I guess I just want to hear from strangers that itís normal to feel like this sometimes. Surely no couple is just that perfect.

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