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Thread: I need some outsiders input on my relationship

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by Bunney
    Sorry but could not disagree more with Sherry or anyone else that makes excuses fo him because "he works 40h a week". That is NOT a free-pass to be lazy, uninvolved, spoiled and plain taking the mother of his child for absolute granted (so to answer one of your questions OP, yes, there is no doubt he takes you for granted BIG TIME).

    There is nothing wrong with a little gaming from time to time to unwind, but this dude already gets home at 3pm (I friggin' WISH! So much time of the day left...) and still does little to nothing around the house, nor spend any time with his child unless absolutely required. He has been known to lie and be physically aggressive, and wants nothing to do with OPs friend or family. Disrespects his girlfriend and baby by yelling loudly at the TV while they are trying to get some sleep.

    I would not want to be with a person like him, in fact I would have left him a LONG time ago when the first red flags arised. This situation sounds horrible and I feel for OP. Sherry, a guy does not have to be cheating (which you dont know that he doesn't), be abusive or do drugs in order to be a crappy boyfriend. Those are not the only criteria.

    The reason I decided I want to start trying for a baby with my boyfriend is because I know he'll pull his weight and be an amazing, involved Dad. He's super hands on and does so much in the household, it is a total team effort between the two of us. So I'm reading this thread and wonder why you think you should put up with this bs, BLuegirl. There are guys out there who would actually, truly, love you (I have doubts that this guy truly does), help you, support you, appreciate you even after YEARS of being together. I am sorry I'm being so blunt but I can absolutely not stand it when guys act like this (lazy, uninvolved, taking their partner for granted). Like, dude you made this baby too, so time to grow the heck up and be an actual Dad. Having a job does not excuse you from that.
    I'm more of a fan of not differentiating by gender. Sometimes the full time parent is the dad and being an involved parent should be the same standard. I think each couple has to do what feels fair. If he works 40 hours a week and gets home at 3 that means he's at work by 7am or earlier and getting up even earlier. And we don't know if he has to do work at home too (sounds like no). My husband worked a lot more than 40 hours a week so no I didn't expect him to do much housework or cooking/cleaning. I outsourced some of that. I expected him to be enthusiastic and into our son and to show it by doing the fun stuff and the not so fun stuff like really poopy diapers. And he did. When he was home. Sometimes in those early years he went out but I was home full time and he was totally up for me hiring a cleaning service or whatever I needed (I opted for no sitters, just the biweekly cleaning service). Also he completely bonded with our son, helped before he was sleeping through the night (but not if he had to be up early for work then it was me because I had more of a chance to catch a short nap during the day).

    The point is she doesn't think this is fair and it sounds like they didn't have detailed discussions about who would do what. Time now to have those conversations.

  2. #32
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    Hm, I worked 40 hours a week, cooked, cleaned, did laundry for all 3 of us, did grocery shopping and ran errands in addition to taking 2 kids to activities and events. I wish I knew back then that working 40 hours a week gave me a pass on all that!

    Even when I was married and both of us worked full time we divided the household chores.

    What was concerning, OP, was the way you described how he is when he's drinking and that you felt that you had to issue an ultimatum. Also, that you say you "allow" him to game two nights a week.

    You also mentioned he went out with some friends. How frequently would you say you go out with friends and he cares for the baby while you're gone?

    And you did ask for "outsider's input" so you will get varying answers. They're not all going to align with what you believe is the state of your relationship.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I do all of the washing.
    I'd tell partner in a kind and humorous way--but in the spirit of fairness--that I'm going on strike. Until we can negotiate some changes in the household that benefit both of us, he can wash his own clothes, fix his own meals, and find any of his stuff that might be in my way that I've put into a box in his closet.

    Cleaning and baby care would be stuff I'd need to do if I lived on my own, anyway, so a clean bed and home would be the only services he enjoys in exchange for his full time work.

    He can come up with some ideas about hiring help or pitching in to give me equal 'time off', just as he needs time off for socializing and gaming. He can bring those ideas to the table along with ideas for how we can spend some date nights together, either going out or enjoying some take-out food together at the dining table without phones.

    I'd research online some creative agreements other parenting couples have made, and when partner is ready to negotiate, I'd bring those ideas to the table. I'd be clear that the most unsexy and soul robbing thing I could do would be to become a parent to my partner, so my goal is not to strong-arm him, but to negotiate in good faith--including penalties if we don't live up to our side of our bargains. Those are less about being punitive than rewards to the other in the spirit of making it up to them. For instance, cold hard cash. In 20's. On the spot, no IOUs.

    I'd also propose that we each make up 'bribe' lists of things that we each want from the other, to be used as needed to persuade the other to do or buy or NOT do certain things in exchange for the other doing or buying or NOT doing something.

    I'd ask to schedule a half hour one night per week for a touch base to discuss outcomes and renegotiate certain things. We'd each get to speak about our week without interruption from the other for periods of time. This prevents overtalking while teaching one another how to listen and hear. We'd also use this time to go over household expenses, investments, and bills so that we both are informed and have input.

    I'd see how this works out over time, and if I'm still feeling shorted, I'd propose couples' counseling and learn whether partner will not just buy in, but find us a counselor of his choice and set the first appointment.

  4. #34
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    I also will add that sometimes it works well to ask your partner which chores he likes best/is neutral about and which he likes least. I know for years now my husband hates taking out the garbage and notice that when I do it (these days basically all the time) he will get up and make sure a clean garbage bag is in the trash can ready for when I return from taking it out. It doesn't have to be 50/50 -consider tolerance, skills, timing, etc.

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