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I need some outsiders input on my relationship


Bluegirl17

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My partner and I have been together for 4.5 years, we’re both on the verge of turning 30. We have a 12 week old baby together and own a house together.

To say we’ve had some hurdles is an understatement over the entire time we’ve been together. I think I’ve stayed through many times that I should have left. He used to be an awful drunk, well he still is, but he doesn’t drink much at all anymore. He used to get really violent, not with me directly but he would throw things, punch things, want to fight people at the pub, he’d abuse taxi drivers etc. Thankfully that is far behind us.

He’s lied to me multiple times in the past, I’ve caught him doing it. Not big lies, but enough to make me question how much I can trust him. Again, this isn’t recently really but in saying that I’ve been very baby-focussed with our new bub.

So the current situation is - he works 40 hours a week and is home by 3pm every day. Our baby is basically in my care for 23 hours and 45 mins per day. He takes her whilst I have a shower that’s about it. I do 90% of the housework and he might organise dinner once a week. I do all of the washing. No matter how much I say I need more help he just seems to get his way out of it one way or another. Or he will do better for a couple days then back to normal. He’s pretty into gaming which during my pregnancy caused many many arguments as he just wanted to play PlayStation all the time. This new addiction is only since last year, before than he never gamed. I hate it with a passion. He’s always swearing at the tv and talking with his gamer friends online out loud. He is getting better but I’ve had to ask him to shoosh so many times as the baby and I are sleeping. He’s now allowed to play 2 nights a week that’s the deal, if it were upto me it would be 0 but I’m trying to be fair. Even though I get no nights off to do anything for myself.

We have very little romance. I’ve tried to make a lot of effort in that department in hopes that he will reciprocate but to no avail. He knows it’s an issue for me but I can’t force him to be a certain way if it’s just not him.

I don’t get the “drive safe” texts or anything if the weather is bad. If he’s with mates he won’t reply for ages. You get the gist.

We do laugh a lot when things are good and generally get on well. But in saying that I have all of this running through my head almost all the time lately. I love him very much but I just feel that I’ll never have the love I want from him. I know he loves me so much but the way he lets me down and doesn’t show me, it hurts a lot and I’m really starting to get over it. He tells me what I want to hear but rarely follows through. It makes me feel stupid now as it happens all the damn time.

I’ve always been supportive of everything he does and put in effort with his friends and things he enjoys, but when it comes to one of my family events or something with my friends (which he’s never wanted to do anything with), he will sit it out if he doesn’t want to go. Most of the time he does join me for family things but there have been times I’ve had to lie for him because he just didn’t want to come.

What is this? Does he have little respect for me? Am I being taken for granted?

Please tell me what this looks like from an outsiders perspective.

Thanks for reading my post, it’s a little long.

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He works 40 hours a week to pay the bills. He wants something for himself too, that's his gaming.

 

It's stressful for him too being as there is a new baby, things have changed between you two as well due to the new baby and there's a huge adjustment for that.

 

Him gaming two nights a week is not a lot to ask as he needs some kind of life too. I know, you don't feel you have one either. But maybe you can ask him to watch the baby even one night so you can go out with your girlfriends or be home and do something you enjoy.

 

You both need time away to do your own things, even if its in small amounts.

 

As for not wanting to go out with your family or friends it depends on how much he does it. If he hardly ever goes, then yes, it's a problem. But if it's only once in a while, then I don't see it as the worst thing ever if he isn't wanting to always go.

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Hi Bluegirl, I am sorry you are feeling this way. I know several couples who were young parents and the man did not get involved much until the baby was about 3. Otherwise they left majority of duties to their partners.

I also know a couple who sleep with the baby 2 times a week so the other parent can rest properly.

It depends what the couple agree together.

It is a challenging time for couples. Older men have less energy for this and younger tend to hold on the the youth, friends and games.

I guess some men would like to keep things as the same as possible before the baby was born.

Can you two have a heart to heart conversation about your family and how can you work it out and provide more support for each other.

Also ask him " what can I do to be a better partner for you ?"

We tend to focus on pointing out wrong things. But surprise him and ask him that. This may open dialog.

I know others may disagree with this but sometimes approaching issue with warmth does help.

When I did that once, I melted his heart and he cuddled me for a long time. We spoke openly and it got us closer.

I know you are under a lot of pressure. I really hope things will get better.

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Congrats on the new baby. Work things out together. He started up this hobby last year only which seems to indicate to me that he's used it to fill a void also. Perhaps you both reached a lull in your relationship with your pregnancy or you checked out of a lot of things. Was it a rough (difficult) pregnancy?

 

Long term couples sometimes reach slower episodes or lulls in the relationship. Don't nitpick or come at him like he's the enemy or his new hobby. Tell him that you miss him more and would like more of your old romance back. You see a problem with his gaming (and it may very well be a problem to you) but don't antagonize him or push him into a corner when you're talking about it. Both of you have to come together - genuinely/with open hearts. There is no magic wand for this or abracadabra spell.

 

How frequent are the family outtings and what are their nature? Some may be too obscure like a cousin's niece's daughter's birthday. Some may involve family members he doesn't get along with or perhaps they don't like him. The dynamics aren't there. I think this hurts you because you don't have that romantic connection deep down. If you did, it wouldn't matter so much.

 

The main point is to start reconnecting in the romance department and being more in tune with each other. You're not very connected right now. Good for you for recognizing those signs and don't ignore the feelings of neglect.

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Hi Bluegirl,

 

What is this? Does he have little respect for me? Am I being taken for granted?

 

Taking all you have described at face-value, then the answers to these questions are surely obvious. This is a dysfunctional relationship. Yes, he does have little respect for you. Yes, he is taking you for granted.

 

Please tell me what this looks like from an outsiders perspective.

 

However, if I am honest, and speak only to my own outside perspective, this looks like a woman who has reached a point where passion and love has been replaced with no small measure of contempt. Whatever the truth in your account, this is how you feel; the reality you are living with, and have been for sometime. Many of the issues you describe are not new occurences, though they are surely exacerbated but the stresses of a newborn. And this is not new to you; you were here 2 years ago, questioning this relationship. In that post, you describe a kind of void of feeling; an uncertainty that he was right for you. You received some advice then to end it. I fear perhaps that was good advice.

 

I don't mean to attack you, but we can only speak to what you have posted here and how it reflects on your feelings in the relationship. If he is not and will not giving you the relationship you need, and has not for sometime, then you know what you need to do. Just please, do it with grace and compassion for the sake of your new child.

 

Best of luck,

 

T

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Yes, he does have little respect for you. Yes, he is taking you for granted.

 

What??!! Why? Because he games twice a week and doesn't always want to go out? He wants a life of his own too, but he's not texting other women, he's not out all night getting drunk, he's not sitting at home and not working and being a slob.

 

He is trying to do the right thing and take care of his family but he has to have a life too at least in some small respect.

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I'm a big proponent of working things out. I think you should work on the relationship as there are too many details lacking to indicate that this is worth ending anything over. Of course the situation may be more sinister or subversive and manipulative than is written above. I don't know all the details. Maybe answering more questions might help.

 

No matter how much I say I need more help he just seems to get his way out of it one way or another. Or he will do better for a couple days then back to normal.

 

Unfortunately if I want a night to do something for myself or with a girlfriend it wouldn’t happen.

 

What I have a problem with are the parts above. Those things need to be worked on.

 

You should never feel like your opinion or thoughts are invalidated even if he disagrees with you. Both of you should be disagreeing and agreeing with each other constructively and more practically (more communication).

 

You just carried a baby for nine months. I think after twelve weeks you should be going for a nice dinner or out with your friends to celebrate. If you don't trust him with the baby, you have much bigger problems than what he thinks. What he thinks is irrelevant if he's not to be trusted with the child. Do you trust him or do you feel he's so disengaged that he can't be left alone with the child?

 

There should be some semblance of equality in your partnership with him.

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Hi Bluegirl,

 

 

 

Taking all you have described at face-value, then the answers to these questions are surely obvious. This is a dysfunctional relationship. Yes, he does have little respect for you. Yes, he is taking you for granted.

 

 

 

However, if I am honest, and speak only to my own outside perspective, this looks like a woman who has reached a point where passion and love has been replaced with no small measure of contempt. Whatever the truth in your account, this is how you feel; the reality you are living with, and have been for sometime. Many of the issues you describe are not new occurences, though they are surely exacerbated but the stresses of a newborn. And this is not new to you; you were here 2 years ago, questioning this relationship. In that post, you describe a kind of void of feeling; an uncertainty that he was right for you. You received some advice then to end it. I fear perhaps that was good advice.

 

I don't mean to attack you, but we can only speak to what you have posted here and how it reflects on your feelings in the relationship. If he is not and will not giving you the relationship you need, and has not for sometime, then you know what you need to do. Just please, do it with grace and compassion for the sake of your new child.

 

Best of luck,

 

T

 

As stated in my post, there is no lack of love for this man on my behalf, I love him very much and continue to put in effort in hopes that my affection and romance will be reciprocated. As sometimes it is in small doses. We’ve come a long way together, and I don’t think ‘contempt’ is a fair of you to state. I’m simply an exhausted new mum who needs some input and encouragement as I don’t feel like I’m getting as much as I need at home. For myself, him and the sake of our new child I plan on keeping my family together. You’re right in that you can only speak to what I have posted on here, which is only a snippet. Maybe I didn’t mention many good things and I should have. If it were that bad, I would leave. I would have left a long time ago. But I have reasons to stay, I guess I just want to hear from strangers that it’s normal to feel like this sometimes. Surely no couple is just that perfect.

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What you're feeling is 100% normal.

 

You had a baby, your relationship now needs to adjust around that. You are both struggling with the new responsibilities and changes but also how to adjust as a couple.

 

You do sound like you are a strong couple though that has a lot of love between you. But there is no perfection in anything. All couples struggle at time and a new baby can be a hard time for some.

 

It will get easier after time. It's hard now, but it will get easier.

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Thanks everyone for your input thus far. He’s out with friends tonight for the night and I miss him. To be honest when I posted this I was expecting replies of “oh you poor thing” and “how dare he”, I’m a new first time mum doing my absolute best and trying to keep my head above water for my beautiful little baby, of course I want some sympathy, even from strangers. A few of the replies have made me rethink a little. Yes, I have things I can complain about to no end, and they probably will never end, but he does work hard and he makes me laugh and I know he loves me even if he does a lot to (sh...) me to tears. I think I need to be a little gentler in how I’m thinking about all of this. Thanks everyone.

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What you're feeling is 100% normal.

 

You had a baby, your relationship now needs to adjust around that. You are both struggling with the new responsibilities and changes but also how to adjust as a couple.

 

You do sound like you are a strong couple though that has a lot of love between you. But there is no perfection in anything. All couples struggle at time and a new baby can be a hard time for some.

 

It will get easier after time. It's hard now, but it will get easier.

 

Thank you, I appreciate the kind words.

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Read some of the posts on here and men behaving badly, lol. It can get really, really bad.

 

Your man sounds like he can be somewhat annoying at times, but who's partner isn't at times? But he sounds respectful for the most part, he's not cheating, hes not fooling around with other women, he's not drinking every night or doing drugs and he is trying to take care of you and the baby.

 

But I do think you two need to work more on being romantic with each other and for every night he gets to go out with his friends, you should be able to too.

Is it possible for your mom or his mom to take the baby and you both can go out together?

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Thanks everyone for your input thus far. He’s out with friends tonight for the night and I miss him. To be honest when I posted this I was expecting replies of “oh you poor thing” and “how dare he”, I’m a new first time mum doing my absolute best and trying to keep my head above water for my beautiful little baby, of course I want some sympathy, even from strangers. A few of the replies have made me rethink a little. Yes, I have things I can complain about to no end, and they probably will never end, but he does work hard and he makes me laugh and I know he loves me even if he does a lot to (sh...) me to tears. I think I need to be a little gentler in how I’m thinking about all of this. Thanks everyone.

 

There are so many worrying situations we see on a forum and whenever a child or baby is involved the members don't take it lightly. It sounds like you have a good man with you. Keep working together and you should be out with your friends now and again too. Tell him you miss him and enjoy your romance and new family.

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Bluegirl, be gentler on yourself too. You do deserve to be loved and to be treated well.

 

You just had a baby and there is still a lot of hormones out of place. A lot for adjustments for you. I feel for any new mom..it's hard..damn hard.

 

Lack of sleep, trying to do so much work, adjusting to a new life, trying to feel sane. You are doing awesome, you really are. You do need to take time for yourself too though and of course you need to feel loved and supported by your man. If you feel you need something just talk to him. You two are meant to be best friends.

Tell each other what you need.

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Hi again,

 

... Yes, he does have little respect for you. Yes, he is taking you for granted.

 

What??!! Why? ...

 

I was basing that assessment on:

 

... He’s lied to me multiple times in the past, I’ve caught him doing it. Not big lies, but enough to make me question how much I can trust him.

... Our baby is basically in my care for 23 hours and 45 mins per day. He takes her whilst I have a shower that’s about it. I do 90% of the housework and he might organise dinner once a week. I do all of the washing.

... No matter how much I say I need more help he just seems to get his way out of it one way or another.

... He knows it’s an issue for me but I can’t force him to be a certain way if it’s just not him.

... I don’t get the “drive safe” texts or anything if the weather is bad. If he’s with mates he won’t reply for ages. You get the gist.

... He tells me what I want to hear but rarely follows through. It makes me feel stupid now as it happens all the damn time.

 

But honestly, I am sorry if I came off as harsh. As I said, it was only from my own, personal outside perspective, based only on this post and Bluegirl's previous post about the same relationship.

 

As stated in my post, there is no lack of love for this man on my behalf, I love him very much and continue to put in effort in hopes that my affection and romance will be reciprocated. As sometimes it is in small doses. We’ve come a long way together, and I don’t think ‘contempt’ is a fair of you to state. I’m simply an exhausted new mum who needs some input and encouragement as I don’t feel like I’m getting as much as I need at home. For myself, him and the sake of our new child I plan on keeping my family together. You’re right in that you can only speak to what I have posted on here, which is only a snippet. Maybe I didn’t mention many good things and I should have. If it were that bad, I would leave. I would have left a long time ago. But I have reasons to stay, I guess I just want to hear from strangers that it’s normal to feel like this sometimes. Surely no couple is just that perfect.

 

Thank you for this reply Bluegirl, and honestly, rereading this my be the best advice I can give you. Your first post was a laundry list of everything wrong dating back to the beginning of the relationship, and to me it did sound contemptuous and painted a pretty dark picture of your partner. But this reply is more honest; you acknowedge that its really about feeling loved and valued; something that has perhaps been an issue throughout this relationship (based on your previous post).

 

As you say, you are determined to fight to keep your family together, and that is admirable. I sincerely hope you two can find a way to communicate with each other that fufills both your needs. You shouldn't feel any 'lack of love' on his behalf, nor should you be starved for 'input and encouragement', but maybe its about finding a way he can express those things to your in his own way. Plus, of course, finding a way to convey to him the help you need practically in a way he can understand and commit to. I think some of the other replies (which I hadn't seen on my first post) give good advice on opening that dialogue.

 

Again, best of luck,

 

T

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Congrats on the new baby!

 

I'm at an age where I've now watched many of my friends take on the adventure of their first child, and I'm pretty sure they've all struggled during the first few months—the first two years, really. So try to remember that some of this is inevitable—the sour edge of a very sweet moment in life. Breathe into that, at least a bit, when the going is particularly tough.

 

Of course, there's only so much comfort there, I can imagine. You do have some things to work through, for sure, which is the case with all couples: sweet here, sour there. Try to bring up how you're feeling during calm moments, so it's not a reaction to something specific but you sharing a concern. Express feelings of affection and warmth when you're feeling them—not simply to get him to reciprocate, but more to share a truth and, in that, throw a log on the fire so the truth gets a little warmer. And when you find yourself going through the laundry list of things that frustrate you—with him, with being a new mother—counter that by creating a laundry list of things you're grateful for.

 

Will that magically change things in 24 hours? No. But nothing magical comes in 24 hours. Find a way to get heard, trust the information settles, and then keep observing while soldiering on with the tasks at hand.

 

In a way you now have four relationships in your household where 12 weeks ago there was just one: you with him, you with your child, him with your child, yours together with your child. That is a lot to adjust to. Adjustments are hard, take time. Think of this as a short moment in the long game and, I think, you'll find the pieces start clicking into place.

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What??!! Why? Because he games twice a week and doesn't always want to go out? He wants a life of his own too, but he's not texting other women, he's not out all night getting drunk, he's not sitting at home and not working and being a slob.

 

He is trying to do the right thing and take care of his family but he has to have a life too at least in some small respect.

 

He gets home st 3 and only spends 45 minutes with the baby. This is ridiculous. It is time he contributed and grew up. She cannot do everything for the child and needs help, and a break. She should not be doing all of the housework. This is a partnership.

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I agree to some degree. I also know that working 40 hours can be tough depending on the work.

 

Once you come home, you want to rest and or do something you enjoy too.

 

Yes, I know, motherhood never stops. Which is why I suggested that one of their moms help out and give them more time either together. Or that they take turns taking the baby so the other one can have time to do something they like. ie:gaming.

 

But yes, he needs to help out more, for sure.

 

It;s all about balance and being fair to each other.

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I agree to some degree. I also know that working 40 hours can be tough depending on the work.

 

Once you come home, you want to rest and or do something you enjoy too.

 

Yes, I know, motherhood never stops. Which is why I suggested that one of their moms help out and give them more time either together. Or that they take turns taking the baby so the other one can have time to do something they like. ie:gaming.

 

But yes, he needs to help out more, for sure.

 

It;s all about balance and being fair to each other.

 

But, she is working round-the-clock with the child. They made a decision to have a child, together. I agree that they need to take turns with the child and the housework, or she will burn out. He seems to have a 50's era mentality.

 

On top of it, this guy has drinking issues and is a repeat liar. Honestly, I do not understand why she had a child with this man, , or stayed with him.

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"I know several couples who were young parents and the man did not get involved much until the baby was about 3. Otherwise they left majority of duties to their partners.

I also know a couple who sleep with the baby 2 times a week so the other parent can rest properly.

It depends what the couple agree together.

It is a challenging time for couples. Older men have less energy for this and younger tend to hold on the the youth, friends and games.

I guess some men would like to keep things as the same as possible before the baby was born."

 

I have had a very different experience both directly and indirectly. An infant shouldn't co sleep unless the parents have researched the safe way to do that. There are several ways for each parent to get some rest if the baby isn't sleeping through the night yet (ours did at 10 weeks, never slept with us). My husband was involved from before the baby was born. Since he worked full time and more than full time plus traveled I did the majority of childcare and housekeeping. He was extremely involved with our son from the first minute. We had him when we were in our 40s.

Men who refuse to make changes or adjustments when becoming a father shouldn't become a father (same with mothers). What I would do if possible until your partner steps up more is hire people to help -can you afford that? And get out of the house as much as possible with your baby -take her to story time at the library even though she is so young, for example - do outings every single day if at all possible. And look into books like Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child for tips on how to get her on more of a schedule which might get you more rest. Do more take out food or food delivery, etc.

Edited to add- what did you discuss about your views, goals, values, standards about child rearing and division of responsibilities before you had a child together?

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Sorry this is happening. Do you have friends or family you could stay with to keep your child and yourself safe? The environment you describe is a nightmare in the making. As you know there is often a huge uptick in abuse like this after a child and sometimes a child gets hurt.

 

Leave for the sake of your child. Figure out the finances and logistics once you are safely away from his abuse and drunken rages. he is dangerous and toxic. Your child may be next in line of things he likes to 'throw and punch' when he's in yet another drunken rage.

We have a 12 week old baby together and own a house together.

 

He used to be an awful drunk, well he still is, but he doesn’t drink much at all anymore. He used to get really violent, not with me directly but he would throw things, punch things, want to fight people at the pub, he’d abuse taxi drivers etc.

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Thanks Wiseman...i was wondering how SherSher missed that....and no one mentioned he was an obnoxious drinker....even tho not as much as before. He has an addictive personality and (maybe) substituted gaming for not drinking so much. Which is a good thing. But when you're making dinner, taking care of a baby, cleaning up... and he's sitting in front of the tv gaming, it would get IRRITATING!

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