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Feeling so empty inside


Wonder01234

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Im back again with my problems. I just don’t know where to go to talk about my feelings and struggles. I don’t want to bother my friends with the same topic, and my appointment with my counsellor is not for another week.

 

It’s been 19 months now since my bf broke up with me. He came back about 4 months ago for a second chance, but left after a month. I can’t seem to move on since then, all my feelings are rushing back. Some days I feel great, happy, positive, but other days like today, I feel so hurt and sad, can’t seem to stop crying.

 

He was a horrible bf in the last year of our relationship, string me along telling me lies about wanting a future with me, while flirting with other girls and then eventually broke up with me for someone else. He admitted that he stop loving me a year before he broke up with me. I know his a horrible person and not someone I want a future with, but why can’t I stop missing the old him. Why do deep down I still hoping he come back the third time as a change man. Why do I keep holding on? Even though I don’t even know if I can trust or accept him if he ever come back again.

 

Earlier in the relationship, he was an amazing bf. He was sweet, caring, he put up with my temper and always say how much he love me. Part of me feel like maybe it was me and my temper that drove him away, I blame myself for sabotaging my relationship, even he said that I was the one that sabotaged it. We always fight and when we fight I can’t seem to cool down quick, I end up wanting to break up because I felt he make no effort anymore. I can’t stop replaying the scenarios in my head and I feel like a horrible person, like I changed him to become this lier and cold hearted person. I feel responsible and that I deserve to be in pain now for hurting him back then, hIs hurting me was like my karma.

 

I feel so drown in my emotions. Sorry for being so negative on here. I try to distract myself but all I can think of is him.

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Sounds like you both destroyed the relationship.

At least you admit you did some things wrong.

 

I believe people tend to think back on how the person was in the beginning, they hold on to that image or memories and thats what hurts. Maybe time alone will make things better.

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You are not missing him, you are missing the wonderful times when you had an amazing BF who was sweet and caring and put up with your temper and who said how much he loved you. Your X can be replaced with someone who is better for you.

I think if you really really think about it, you will realize that your X was terrible, but you miss the illusion of a beautiful relationship with him. You look back at the early days but you do not want to go thru the rough times ahead just for those great times.

So I think once you get rid of the Wants, Need and Fears, you will be able to see what you need to do. You have your perfect relationship still attached to your X even tho you know he is not the one for you. So remove him from the equation and know that there is a guy who is better for you. He is out there and he is waiting for someone like you.

You are a thinker and it sounds like you are intuned to your feelings. Begin to separate him from your illusion

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I'm sorry you're going through this, Wonder0123.

 

You have to let time heal your wounds. Someday today's wounds will become your old, blurry wounds.

 

You can't undo the past. We're all naive when it comes to regrets and remorse. If we could do a rewind of the past, many of us would in order to change scenarios and outcomes.

 

All you can do is learn from your past mistakes and navigate yourself more wisely in the future.

 

Stay strong, surround yourself with sound, supportive people such as family and friends. During other times, focus on healthy alone time. Give yourself a chance to sort your thoughts and become smarter.

 

There are other plans and a destiny for you. Hang in there. Your day in the sun will come again!

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Did you only exhibit this temper with him, or do you do it with everyone in your life? If it was only him, it was probably his behavior that set you off, and a clear sign he's never been right for you. If it's with everyone, it's good you're attending counseling, and make sure you work on that aspect.

 

What will be helpful is to really grasp the facts. The honeymoon period is never reality. What you saw past that period was ugly. If you'd been with the right person, the honeymoon period would've built into a beautiful, more serious stage. And past behavior predicts future behavior. He dumped you once, instead of communicating and working on problems together. People who care don't ever dump you unless their is a dealbreaker present. It was predictable that he broke up with you a 2nd time, and that makes it even more predictable that it will happen a 3rd time if you took him back.

 

Getting back together set you back to square one. Keep up with time spent with girlfriends. Take up a new hobby if you don't have one you can be passionate about. Pamper yourself. Once you're done mourning the relationship, don't talk about him anymore, because that will keep him alive in your present day mind. Concentrate on making a happy life solo for the moment, because you shouldn't count on any man to give you happiness. You should think of it as being happy and wanting to share your joy with a companion. When you get to that point, you will be ready. Take care.

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What did you fight about? Some things are worth mentioning and others are not. If you felt it was warranted mentioning things that really didn't feel good to you and arguments ensued, then you should know what's best for you. Be a bit more realistic with yourself and stop selling yourself short or undermining your own thoughts/beliefs. If someone isn't right for you, he's not right. Don't hurt yourself over it even more.

 

What he was in the beginning was a version of yourselves you hardly knew. It takes time to get to know someone. Trust in yourself and have more faith in yourself that there are new beginnings. Don't be afraid of moving on and changing with all the knowledge you do know now of yourself.

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Sounds like you both destroyed the relationship.

At least you admit you did some things wrong.

 

I believe people tend to think back on how the person was in the beginning, they hold on to that image or memories and thats what hurts. Maybe time alone will make things better.

 

Reflecting back had helped me realised a lot of things. I do find it really hard to let go, I hope that time will make everything better again.

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You are not missing him, you are missing the wonderful times when you had an amazing BF who was sweet and caring and put up with your temper and who said how much he loved you. Your X can be replaced with someone who is better for you.

I think if you really really think about it, you will realize that your X was terrible, but you miss the illusion of a beautiful relationship with him. You look back at the early days but you do not want to go thru the rough times ahead just for those great times.

So I think once you get rid of the Wants, Need and Fears, you will be able to see what you need to do. You have your perfect relationship still attached to your X even tho you know he is not the one for you. So remove him from the equation and know that there is a guy who is better for you. He is out there and he is waiting for someone like you.

You are a thinker and it sounds like you are intuned to your feelings. Begin to separate him from your illusion

 

I think you’re right No1, I do miss that wonderful times and I am not even sure if it’s him I miss anymore. I know I shouldn’t just focus on the good times and should see him for who he is now. I do hope I can overcome those illusion, let go of everything and start accepting that his not right for me. Thank you for your advice.

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I'm sorry you're going through this, Wonder0123.

 

You have to let time heal your wounds. Someday today's wounds will become your old, blurry wounds.

 

You can't undo the past. We're all naive when it comes to regrets and remorse. If we could do a rewind of the past, many of us would in order to change scenarios and outcomes.

 

All you can do is learn from your past mistakes and navigate yourself more wisely in the future.

 

Stay strong, surround yourself with sound, supportive people such as family and friends. During other times, focus on healthy alone time. Give yourself a chance to sort your thoughts and become smarter.

 

There are other plans and a destiny for you. Hang in there. Your day in the sun will come again!

 

Thank you Cherylyn. I do hope in time I will completely heal and move on from here. You’re completely right, all we can do is learn from the past, and I have definitely learnt a lot about myself. I will try and keep myself more occupies and hope that as time passes there will be less and less days where I feel like this.

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Did you only exhibit this temper with him, or do you do it with everyone in your life? If it was only him, it was probably his behavior that set you off, and a clear sign he's never been right for you. If it's with everyone, it's good you're attending counseling, and make sure you work on that aspect.

 

What will be helpful is to really grasp the facts. The honeymoon period is never reality. What you saw past that period was ugly. If you'd been with the right person, the honeymoon period would've built into a beautiful, more serious stage. And past behavior predicts future behavior. He dumped you once, instead of communicating and working on problems together. People who care don't ever dump you unless their is a dealbreaker present. It was predictable that he broke up with you a 2nd time, and that makes it even more predictable that it will happen a 3rd time if you took him back.

 

Getting back together set you back to square one. Keep up with time spent with girlfriends. Take up a new hobby if you don't have one you can be passionate about. Pamper yourself. Once you're done mourning the relationship, don't talk about him anymore, because that will keep him alive in your present day mind. Concentrate on making a happy life solo for the moment, because you shouldn't count on any man to give you happiness. You should think of it as being happy and wanting to share your joy with a companion. When you get to that point, you will be ready. Take care.

 

I can get irritated quite easily but not unreasonable. I do notice that my temper started to increase after 1.5-2 years after dating my ex. Even my friends notice I have become a lot more irritable. I never wanted to feel angry or frustrated, but can’t seem to control myself when dealing with my ex sometimes.

 

I know deep down I will never take him back again, I can never trust his words or be confident that he will never leave me again. Like you said the past predict the future. I will try and not think about him anymore or bring him up in conversation. You’re right, I don’t need a man to make me happy, I will try and focus more on myself and hopefully he will slowly vanish from my mind. Thank you for your advice Andrina.

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What did you fight about? Some things are worth mentioning and others are not. If you felt it was warranted mentioning things that really didn't feel good to you and arguments ensued, then you should know what's best for you. Be a bit more realistic with yourself and stop selling yourself short or undermining your own thoughts/beliefs. If someone isn't right for you, he's not right. Don't hurt yourself over it even more.

 

What he was in the beginning was a version of yourselves you hardly knew. It takes time to get to know someone. Trust in yourself and have more faith in yourself that there are new beginnings. Don't be afraid of moving on and changing with all the knowledge you do know now of yourself.

 

The fight vary from big to small, but most of the times I get very upset when I feel he can’t prioritise me, our date/plan that he made with me. It happened a lot of the time, he hardly make effort to organise a date or to take me out, but when he does he would do stuff like organising a date on Sunday but go out with his friends Saturday (which is fine) but get really drunk and tell me the next day his too hangover to do anything. He would hang up on me for no reason while we’re in the middle of a conversation, then wouldn’t reply to my msg, or would say I will call back but never do, or always too tired to do anything after work but fine with visiting friends if they ask him. He doesn’t respect my parents and say he only respect them if they show him respect (they told him off once when they saw him swear at me during our fight).

 

Thank you Rose Mosse, I will try and face reality head on and start accepting that he wasn’t right for me. It’s really hard at the moment to let go of those good times we shared, but I will try and be more realistic and not just live in fantasy. There were a lot of good memories, but there were also a lot of painful ones. I need to start seeing both sides, instead of just focusing on one. I hope that in time I can move on and be with someone who is more suitable for me. I will try to stay busy.

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Thank you Rose Mosse, I will try and face reality head on and start accepting that he wasn’t right for me. It’s really hard at the moment to let go of those good times we shared, but I will try and be more realistic and not just live in fantasy. There were a lot of good memories, but there were also a lot of painful ones. I need to start seeing both sides, instead of just focusing on one. I hope that in time I can move on and be with someone who is more suitable for me. I will try to stay busy.

 

Good plan. I don't think you need anyone to tell you how his behaviour is not ok. Keep on with the idea of moving on and accepting that he's just not right for you. Stay busy, fill your life up with good people and good things. Don't let people like that get you down. Move forwards.

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Thank you Cherylyn. I do hope in time I will completely heal and move on from here. You’re completely right, all we can do is learn from the past, and I have definitely learnt a lot about myself. I will try and keep myself more occupies and hope that as time passes there will be less and less days where I feel like this.

 

Thank you, Wonder01234. Chin up, lady. You will get through this. Stay strong.

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My heart goes out to you. How much time do you spend ruminating? I'd limit that to fewer and fewer minutes once I start. I'd lean into some boo-hoos with a tissue box, then pep-talk myself beyond it with a goal of surprising everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this to create a fabulous future for myself. Otherwise, it's just drilling myself into a deeper hole to climb out of, and grief it tough enough without doing that.

 

I'd recognize that it's not the guy I miss, but rather, the fantasy I created 'around' him based on the earlier days when I wasn't dealing with him--I fell in love with his representative.

 

From there, I'd take any lessons I've learned about my own choices and behaviors to my full advantage and throw my focus into self development, rebuilding my social life, investing time in my family and friends who I neglected during my relationship. I'd make that time about them-not-me. I'd treat them to meals or events, and I'd volunteer to help them with projects, errands, or just listen to them talk about their lives. This is my best strategy for 'normalizing' in the company of others while in service to them, and I couldn't have imagined how healing and gratitude-producing it is to move myself out of my own way.

 

It's a healing that needs to be experienced--not thought about.

 

Healing doesn't just happen 'to' us, it requires our participation.

 

Head high.

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  • 2 weeks later...
My heart goes out to you. How much time do you spend ruminating? I'd limit that to fewer and fewer minutes once I start. I'd lean into some boo-hoos with a tissue box, then pep-talk myself beyond it with a goal of surprising everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this to create a fabulous future for myself. Otherwise, it's just drilling myself into a deeper hole to climb out of, and grief it tough enough without doing that.

 

I'd recognize that it's not the guy I miss, but rather, the fantasy I created 'around' him based on the earlier days when I wasn't dealing with him--I fell in love with his representative.

 

From there, I'd take any lessons I've learned about my own choices and behaviors to my full advantage and throw my focus into self development, rebuilding my social life, investing time in my family and friends who I neglected during my relationship. I'd make that time about them-not-me. I'd treat them to meals or events, and I'd volunteer to help them with projects, errands, or just listen to them talk about their lives. This is my best strategy for 'normalizing' in the company of others while in service to them, and I couldn't have imagined how healing and gratitude-producing it is to move myself out of my own way.

 

It's a healing that needs to be experienced--not thought about.

 

Healing doesn't just happen 'to' us, it requires our participation.

 

Head high.

 

Right now it’s not as bad, maybe once a week. Just thinking back about the past, questioning how we ended up like this, how he could just give up. The thoughts still hurt, but at least it no longer stop me from functioning. I find having a big cry does help a lot. I do notice my tears are getting less and less.

 

I hope I can be like you and bounce back soon. I think it’s the same with me, I don’t think I miss him, but the fantasy of what it was like being with him and the future I’ve imagined when we were together. I just need to stop living in fantasy and stop imagine what was never there or only there for a short period of time.

 

I’ve been spending a lot of my time catching with friends and doing things I like, it’s been helping a lot. Just hope I can fully let go soon. Thank you for your advice and sharing your experience with me.

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