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Thread: I really need to get my social skills back

  1. #41
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You don't see an issues with a 33 y/o middle aged man trying to act like a 16 y/o?
    The girls at my university are at least 19 years old, and a lot of them are around 25-30.
    But that's not my actual goal, I just said that one difference that I have noticed is that I could flirt with girls much more effortlessly when I was a teenager, and that skill is not related to age.
    I consider it a sign that I was on some level more comfortable among people in general when I was a teenager, and I am planning on re-developing that relaxed attitude among people.

    I also remember that I had a super-relaxed attitude in front of cashiers when I went shopping, in fact to the point that I almost always managed to make them smile and seem delighted by my presence.
    This is another personality trait that I am trying to work on.

  2. #42
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    I think your discomfort has to do with the following:
    -unrealistic expectations that your personality, social skills, demeanor are the same as when you were a teenager. Apples/oranges.
    - trying to make friends in environments that don't make much sense - nightclubs are the hardest, for example.
    - thinking that facility at flirting or making a cashier laugh means you have social skills that are related to forming true and meaningful friendships. Just like some introverted people are great public speakers (my husband for example) - social skills as you describe doesn't mean you're necessarily comfortable in all environments or self-confident.

    I'd avoid nightclubs and try to stretch out of your comfort zone by doing volunteer work and continue going to the gym.

  3. #43
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I think your discomfort has to do with the following:
    -unrealistic expectations that your personality, social skills, demeanor are the same as when you were a teenager. Apples/oranges.
    - trying to make friends in environments that don't make much sense - nightclubs are the hardest, for example.
    - thinking that facility at flirting or making a cashier laugh means you have social skills that are related to forming true and meaningful friendships. Just like some introverted people are great public speakers (my husband for example) - social skills as you describe doesn't mean you're necessarily comfortable in all environments or self-confident.

    I'd avoid nightclubs and try to stretch out of your comfort zone by doing volunteer work and continue going to the gym.
    Yeah I realise that people are generally different as adults compared to when they were teenagers;
    however, you can still have a certain "core personality" that works perfectly fine in all stages of life, and that feels most natural to different people.
    And I have noticed very clearly that I feel a whole lot better about myself when I get good opportunities to talk to people in a relaxed way, and that's also what I was a lot like throughout pretty much my entire childhood and adolescence, and I keep finding myself feeling my best when I get into that "state".
    In fact, I think I have already started to feel slightly more relaxed when I interact with people, and that's definitely quite encouraging.

  4. #44
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    Originally Posted by Markus86
    Yeah I realise that people are generally different as adults compared to when they were teenagers;
    however, you can still have a certain "core personality" that works perfectly fine in all stages of life, and that feels most natural to different people.
    And I have noticed very clearly that I feel a whole lot better about myself when I get good opportunities to talk to people in a relaxed way, and that's also what I was a lot like throughout pretty much my entire childhood and adolescence, and I keep finding myself feeling my best when I get into that "state".
    In fact, I think I have already started to feel slightly more relaxed when I interact with people, and that's definitely quite encouraging.
    Yes and what you're talking about is not a "core" personality -even if the "core" stays the same which it does not always. I didn't say "generally different" -I gave specific examples of how social interactions and social skills are different in a teenage environment than adult.

    Most people like being able to talk to people in a relaxed way and getting into that state. I made specific suggestions on how to interact that you've ignored. And seems to me as I wrote above that your goal in being in this relaxed state is so that other people notice you, pay attention to you, laugh at your jokes. But that's only a small part of social skills if your goal is to make friends. If your goal is to "feel" a certain way and to get validation and be noticed and have people applaud your jokes with laughter - that's not about wanting to reach out to people or caring about people or what makes them tick. That's all about you. And if you give off that sort of energy or approach social situations feeling like you need validation and to be noticed that very often will end up repelling people.

    I'm glad you're feeling more relaxed. I suggested environments where this would be a lot more likely. A nightclub with mostly younger people likely won't trigger that relaxed state.

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  6. #45
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Yes and what you're talking about is not a "core" personality -even if the "core" stays the same which it does not always. I didn't say "generally different" -I gave specific examples of how social interactions and social skills are different in a teenage environment than adult.

    Most people like being able to talk to people in a relaxed way and getting into that state. I made specific suggestions on how to interact that you've ignored. And seems to me as I wrote above that your goal in being in this relaxed state is so that other people notice you, pay attention to you, laugh at your jokes. But that's only a small part of social skills if your goal is to make friends. If your goal is to "feel" a certain way and to get validation and be noticed and have people applaud your jokes with laughter - that's not about wanting to reach out to people or caring about people or what makes them tick. That's all about you. And if you give off that sort of energy or approach social situations feeling like you need validation and to be noticed that very often will end up repelling people.

    I'm glad you're feeling more relaxed. I suggested environments where this would be a lot more likely. A nightclub with mostly younger people likely won't trigger that relaxed state.
    I haven't ignored your suggestions - I will definitely look into volunteer work opportunities, I just haven't thought about responding to that particular suggestion in my last posts.
    That sounds like a good idea.

  7. #46
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    Originally Posted by Markus86
    I haven't ignored your suggestions - I will definitely look into volunteer work opportunities, I just haven't thought about responding to that particular suggestion in my last posts.
    That sounds like a good idea.
    OK good. And be honest with yourself about your goals. Is it to get validated/noticed/attention from others because you're so relaxed/funny/good at flirting? Or is it because you're genuinely interested in connecting with people as equals, whether or not you get that kind of attention, with potential for future friendships?

  8. #47
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    Originally Posted by Markus86
    Yes, basically I am just aiming to get back my relaxed personality that I had back then.
    I think that the fact that my teenage self could easily make eye contact with girls and casually flirt with them without feeling the least bit awkward summarises quite well what kind of social level that I am aiming for - because if you are gonna be able to do something like that in a relaxed and effortless way then you generally need to feel very confident in yourself and have a light-hearted personality, otherwise it will just feel stiff and awkward.
    So I will definitely know that I have made some significant progress when I start noticing that I can do that again.

    I have started going to the gym again (I will go there in a couple hours, actually), so it feels good to have started doing that again, and I will try visiting the school's night club this Saturday and basically just hang out there for maybe 20-30 minutes without demanding anything more than that from myself on my first visit.
    Then I might go there again the weekend after that and try ordering something at the bar desk or something, and work my way up in those environments as well.
    I might even find some sort of activity there somewhere, and meet people that way.
    There's nothing wrong about wanting to improve your flirting skills, there's plenty of great articles/books out there, just try to accept the fact you may not be/act the same way as your teenage self. Embrace the adult version of yourself, approaching adult women is different from teenage flirting.

  9. #48
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    OK good. And be honest with yourself about your goals. Is it to get validated/noticed/attention from others because you're so relaxed/funny/good at flirting? Or is it because you're genuinely interested in connecting with people as equals, whether or not you get that kind of attention, with potential for future friendships?
    The best way that I can summarise how I feel is that it is a feeling of not being able to express myself the way I want to do it in front of people, combined with an occasional stinging feeling of loneliness.

    But on a positive note, I do actually seem to notice changes in myself lately;
    I seem to have been able to relax a lot more when I have talked to the cashiers and receptionists who I sometimes see when I go shopping or go to the gym, and the fact that I have felt significantly more at ease in front of them than I have done in probably a couple years now feels like a very positive first step.
    I think one thing that has helped a lot is the fact that I have started going to the gym again, since this gives a great energy boost in a lot of ways.

  10. #49
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    Originally Posted by Markus86
    The best way that I can summarise how I feel is that it is a feeling of not being able to express myself the way I want to do it in front of people, combined with an occasional stinging feeling of loneliness.

    But on a positive note, I do actually seem to notice changes in myself lately;
    I seem to have been able to relax a lot more when I have talked to the cashiers and receptionists who I sometimes see when I go shopping or go to the gym, and the fact that I have felt significantly more at ease in front of them than I have done in probably a couple years now feels like a very positive first step.
    I think one thing that has helped a lot is the fact that I have started going to the gym again, since this gives a great energy boost in a lot of ways.
    Yes, I agree- moving your body, working and challenging your body can clear your head and give you a fresh perspective ,I find. I exercise daily and that is one of the many benefits. Good for you!

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