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Thread: I really need to get my social skills back

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think you're stuck in your own head... meet more people, not just new people. You'll have to get over that fear of whatever fear you seem to have of yourself and your own outward image. It sounds like you're terrified of your own reflection. Some form of guidance/counselling will probably help.

    You also seem to have some kind of fear of failure.

    Stop hanging around the wrong people too... those people will be bound to bring out the worst in you or make you feel awkward. Trust your gut instincts. Check in with any unrealistic expectations you may have. Take it easy!

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I think you're stuck in your own head... meet more people, not just new people. You'll have to get over that fear of whatever fear you seem to have of yourself and your own outward image. It sounds like you're terrified of your own reflection. Some form of guidance/counselling will probably help.

    You also seem to have some kind of fear of failure.

    Stop hanging around the wrong people too... those people will be bound to bring out the worst in you or make you feel awkward. Trust your gut instincts. Check in with any unrealistic expectations you may have. Take it easy!
    Yeah, I do sometimes get chances to "break out" of my shell and act more like my ideal self in those situations where I have a good excuse to say something, and those moments feel incredibly good.
    It is like a huge burst of energy where I feel "fulfilled" and like I can finally be myself for a moment, and where my whole body language basically says "yeah, this is what I am like when I am actually relaxed", and it is always fun to see people's astonished reactions when that happens.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Markus86
    Yeah, I do sometimes get chances to "break out" of my shell and act more like my ideal self in those situations where I have a good excuse to say something, and those moments feel incredibly good.
    It is like a huge burst of energy where I feel "fulfilled" and like I can finally be myself for a moment, and where my whole body language basically says "yeah, this is what I am like when I am actually relaxed", and it is always fun to see people's astonished reactions when that happens.
    You have an unusual ability to perceive yourself outside of your own body. At first I thought you were afraid of your own reflection but I think the more you describe yourself you're just ultra aware of how you're perceived. You know there are a lot of uses for that type of ability. Start using that inborn ability of yours as a strength. If you're aware of yourself and others around you, you may be very analytical by nature and much better at certain tasks or jobs than others. Your sensitivity and perception with others can also be used in leadership roles. I don't think you're maximizing your strengths. If you are able to find an outlet for these I think you'd feel more fulfilled. You'd probably do very well multi-tasking or taking on a fast-paced role in some on-campus clubs or business associations. Volunteering or working in the community can also be very rewarding and adds to a sense of purpose.

    Create a purpose and use your abilities in the periphery to stay on target. I think you just need purpose and direction. You'll see more rewards in your work and other interests. You're a lot more intelligent than you let on and I think it's not nearly being used enough.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Markus86
    Yeah, I do sometimes get chances to "break out" of my shell and act more like my ideal self in those situations where I have a good excuse to say something, and those moments feel incredibly good.
    It is like a huge burst of energy where I feel "fulfilled" and like I can finally be myself for a moment, and where my whole body language basically says "yeah, this is what I am like when I am actually relaxed", and it is always fun to see people's astonished reactions when that happens.
    I don't think this has to do with socializing or social skills or wanting friends. It's simply you like being the center of attention and being able to have others see you feeling comfortable and react in a way that validates it. That's only one small part of being a friend and if it's a focus then I can imagine it would be hard to be a good friend since it's a very self-absorbed focus. How much of your focus is on wanting other people to be comfortable in their own skin around you whether they're interacting with you or paying attention to you at that moment or not. Sounds like you miss others noticing you, paying attention to you, being "astonished" at you or some big reaction - not that you are curious about what makes people tick, want to get to know people in depth potentially if a good friend, want to be supportive to someone who is also supportive to you, etc.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately you are stuck in an idealized past from 20 Years ago. And keep repeating how it was, what you were, etc. That in itself warrants a visit to a doctor. Who are "they"? Now you are middle aged man, not a teen. Are there any students in your age group?
    Originally Posted by Markus86
    I asked for a reservation yesterday via mail, and they sent an automatic response where they said that they would keep contact with me next week.I will start working on my interactions with my classmates and visiting the school's night club during the weekend next week.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I don't think this has to do with socializing or social skills or wanting friends. It's simply you like being the center of attention and being able to have others see you feeling comfortable and react in a way that validates it. That's only one small part of being a friend and if it's a focus then I can imagine it would be hard to be a good friend since it's a very self-absorbed focus. How much of your focus is on wanting other people to be comfortable in their own skin around you whether they're interacting with you or paying attention to you at that moment or not. Sounds like you miss others noticing you, paying attention to you, being "astonished" at you or some big reaction - not that you are curious about what makes people tick, want to get to know people in depth potentially if a good friend, want to be supportive to someone who is also supportive to you, etc.
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Unfortunately you are stuck in an idealized past from 20 Years ago. And keep repeating how it was, what you were, etc. That in itself warrants a visit to a doctor. Who are "they"? Now you are middle aged man, not a teen. Are there any students in your age group?
    Well, most people want to feel noticed and validated.

    Also, hanging out with people similarly to how I did as a teenager is a timeless lifestyle, and if I keep noticing that I feel much, much better when I end up in anything even remotely approaching a casual conversation with people, then that's worth striving for.
    My mother is 57 years old and she still goes to parties with lots of friends whenever she gets the chance and has casual relationships with men, and that certainly seems a million times more interesting then my own current life at university at the moment.

    Most of my classmates are around 20-24 years old, but that shouldn't be a problem;
    I knew a few students in my original class from a few years ago who were slightly older than me (they were about 32 years old at that time, while other students were in their early 20's) and they still hung out with a lot of the much younger classmates there just fine.
    Last edited by Markus86; 10-06-2019 at 12:37 PM.

  8. #27
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    Well, most people want to feel noticed and validated.

    Of course at times but it actually has little to do with social skills -social skills have to do with how you interact with other people, not about being noticed or validated. Certainly one factor in a healthy friendship is that you feel your friend notices you and is supportive when you need support. But that's only one small part of what makes a healthful friendship

    I'm 53 and I'm not sure what age has to do with social life -my mom is 84 and has an active social life because she wants one. My sister is 58 and is more introverted and is content with having only a few close friends. Nothing to do with age.

    I think early 20s is a different stage than your age so that might be one of the issues here.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Well, most people want to feel noticed and validated.

    Of course at times but it actually has little to do with social skills -social skills have to do with how you interact with other people, not about being noticed or validated. Certainly one factor in a healthy friendship is that you feel your friend notices you and is supportive when you need support. But that's only one small part of what makes a healthful friendship

    I'm 53 and I'm not sure what age has to do with social life -my mom is 84 and has an active social life because she wants one. My sister is 58 and is more introverted and is content with having only a few close friends. Nothing to do with age.

    I think early 20s is a different stage than your age so that might be one of the issues here.
    The biggest "roadblock" for me at the moment is that I very easily feel awkward in front of other people, and feel that I don't have any "backbone".
    I often find myself mumbling or stuttering if the conversations take an unexpected turn, like for example if I am about to pay for a gym card at my school and then there is some problem with something - that can throw me off very easily and make me insecure.
    I also usually feel very tense, and find it hard to speak with a strong and clear voice, although for some reason I become much, much more confident when I speak in front of the class and things like that.

    But like I said, I tried a weird experiment a few months ago where I stayed up all night just to make myself more chill and laidback as a result of sleep deprivation when I was a guitarist in an ensemble orchestra - because that's how I become when I am sleep-deprived;
    I guess that it is similar to being alcohol-intoxicated.
    That worked very well when I tried it, and I found myself being a lot more relaxed and making a much more positive impression - I even noticed next time I met them that they were more comfortable around me, and that felt great.
    But of course I would prefer to be able to get into this state without making myself sleep-deprived every time, lol.
    Last edited by Markus86; 10-06-2019 at 02:21 PM.

  10. #29
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    So I'm still hearing a ton of self-absorption -you're so wrapped up in how you're perceived, getting noticed, getting validated, how you sound - do you realize most people are far too concerned with the impression they are making to focus on you? You will have backbone when you feel comfortable in your own skin and don't need all this attention and validation. Also, public speaking is mostly separate from social skills. My husband is introverted and a great public speaker.
    As far as speaking with a clear strong voice how about instead try to do 80% listening -and I mean listening where you are not rehearsing the next thing you want to say or worrying about how you look or sound -and when you have something valuable to contribute -hopefully a follow up question - I bet your voice will reflect that.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    So I'm still hearing a ton of self-absorption -you're so wrapped up in how you're perceived, getting noticed, getting validated, how you sound - do you realize most people are far too concerned with the impression they are making to focus on you? You will have backbone when you feel comfortable in your own skin and don't need all this attention and validation. Also, public speaking is mostly separate from social skills. My husband is introverted and a great public speaker.
    As far as speaking with a clear strong voice how about instead try to do 80% listening -and I mean listening where you are not rehearsing the next thing you want to say or worrying about how you look or sound -and when you have something valuable to contribute -hopefully a follow up question - I bet your voice will reflect that.
    Yes I am aware that I should focus more on paying attention to other things than myself, it's just really hard to avoid falling into that self-absorbed state where I worry about myself because that's what I have been doing for several years now.

    My social skills also depend a lot on the situation;
    I can have relaxed conversations with people once one of us have started on a topic that I am reasonably interested in, and then have long discussions about that with no problem.
    So it's a little bit diffuse sometimes, but basically I need more practice in avoiding those self-absorbed thoughts and being more relaxed among people in general.

    At the moment, I think it might be better for my overall well-being to try improving on the things that don't necessarily have anything to do with social interactions.
    I have had a break from strength training for several months now and became a member again just a couple hours ago, so that's what I will start with tomorrow first of all.
    Then from there, I guess I can basically take any opportunity to speak with people when I feel some certain motivation to do that, like if I want to ask some classmates about something that seems hard in the course or something like that, or maybe give my own advice about something that someone is talking about and that I have got the hang of myself - instead of feeling that I "should" talk to them every lecture.
    Last edited by Markus86; 10-06-2019 at 03:20 PM.

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