Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 40

Thread: Perspective

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    2,882
    Gender
    Female
    I think faith is a good word. To be very frank with you, it doesn't sound like she has a problem. I'm going to come at this with a different perspective because the more you speak about her the less and less of an issue the both of you seem to have.

    She's cautious and intelligent enough to know that you're worth being with and that life throws curveballs (relationships are not a must). You may be misunderstanding her wording about not being motivated to ever be with someone else if this relationship ends. You should check in with each other more often (when time permits) and don't overanalyze or get insecure. My husband knows I'm not interested in ever marrying again and at my age a relationship is the last thing on my mind. In fact it wasn't even that important when we met. Being a very social and loving person, he was also at first put off by this and thought there must be something he was doing wrong or something wrong with me. I just explained it patiently and repeated it and it took a couple of years for him to 'get it' that romantic relationships are viewed differently by different people. She's got other things going on in her life that she needs to take care of. Respect that overall and respect that of her, don't diminish or pity her opinion or hang onto doom and gloom because her viewpoints are different from yours.

    She isn't interested in tumultuous relationships and she may not be as whimsical or be as willing to fly by the seat of her pants as others. She doesn't strike me as the type to wax poetic or fall out of line or be easily moved either. Age and experience will temper a lot of enthusiasm. If you're holding each other to different standards or having unrealistic expectations about your enthusiasm for each other, I think being more down to earth might help.

    I really don't see any issues with your relationship other than your differing viewpoints and your sensitivity to her lack of exuberant enthusiasm. It's ok to have expectations but I think it's also important to see what's actually before you and don't undermine each other. You shouldn't be increasing anyone's energy or feeling like you have to overextend yourself. My husband is naturally very intense and can be very serious about a lot of matters. I'm a complete goof and am always joking in the relationship. I do see his moods lighten up quite a lot when he's around me but I definitely don't take it upon myself to make him feel better. I only know that his personality is intense. I also have no problem telling him to snap out of it and eat something if he's grumpy. It goes both ways and he guides me back to my better self when I'm too blind to see things (he's quick on that). We support each other that way. Take everything in stride and remember that you're both a team in this.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    1,729
    What bothers me about what you describe is that this woman isn't making any effort to come out of her shell, she is just leaning back and letting you do all of the emotional work in the relationship. This isn't healthy for either of you, and the stage has been set for this to continue indefinitely.

    OP at the end of the day, she might be the nicest person in the world, but she doesn't love you and will always be holding part of herself back from committing fully to your relationship. You will always feel like you are the one chasing and doing the heavy lifting, figuratively speaking. You deserve to have a relationship that is not just reciprocal financially, but also emotionally.

  3. #13
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    16
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I think faith is a good word. To be very frank with you, it doesn't sound like she has a problem. I'm going to come at this with a different perspective because the more you speak about her the less and less of an issue the both of you seem to have.
    You donít believe her saying she feels emotionally gutted or broken is a problem?

    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    She's cautious and intelligent enough to know that you're worth being with and that life throws curveballs (relationships are not a must). You may be misunderstanding her wording about not being motivated to ever be with someone else if this relationship ends. You should check in with each other more often (when time permits) and don't overanalyze or get insecure. My husband knows I'm not interested in ever marrying again and at my age a relationship is the last thing on my mind. In fact it wasn't even that important when we met. Being a very social and loving person, he was also at first put off by this and thought there must be something he was doing wrong or something wrong with me. I just explained it patiently and repeated it and it took a couple of years for him to 'get it' that romantic relationships are viewed differently by different people. She's got other things going on in her life that she needs to take care of. Respect that overall and respect that of her, don't diminish or pity her opinion or hang onto doom and gloom because her viewpoints are different from yours.
    She is really smart and does recognize I am a great man. This is what she has stated multiple amounts of time. And sheís very cautious; she thinks that my goodness isnít always authentic, that it will come to an end at some point, as this is what she is used to.

    Well she has said she doesnít want anyone else. Even if the relationship ended. And if she did get in to something, somewhere around 7 months she would start to experience the same issue she is with me - her damages and past issues arising. She experienced the same in her last as well.

    I donít hang on to doom and gloom necessarily. I think what makes me gloomy is when sheís saying things like she will never experience love again due to brokenness, or she canít have both a career and relationship, or she sometimes feels she needs toxicity, or the questioning of things so much where we canít even connect emotionally or physically.

    I respect that she has other things going on. I always encourage it. I donít demand more time with her or act needy in that sense.


    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    She isn't interested in tumultuous relationships and she may not be as whimsical or be as willing to fly by the seat of her pants as others. She doesn't strike me as the type to wax poetic or fall out of line or be easily moved either. Age and experience will temper a lot of enthusiasm. If you're holding each other to different standards or having unrealistic expectations about your enthusiasm for each other, I think being more down to earth might help.
    I think being more down to earth is a good suggestion. Iím very ardent in my views of togetherness and relationship. I think weíre cut from a different cloth in this sense. And I agree that her enthusiasm for things has been diminished due to partial jadedness. So what the standard I hold of her then?

    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I really don't see any issues with your relationship other than your differing viewpoints and your sensitivity to her lack of exuberant enthusiasm. It's ok to have expectations but I think it's also important to see what's actually before you and don't undermine each other.
    It often feels as though she is undermining us with her constant worries or distance she creates. Her inability to be able to come back together and connect.
    I am being sensitive toward her lack of enthusiasm for sure. But how could I not be if Iím always the one expected to initiate a kiss/hug? And if I donít do that, she becomes aware of it, but doesnít do any actionable things to put herself forward when I donít..

    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    You shouldn't be increasing anyone's energy or feeling like you have to overextend yourself. My husband is naturally very intense and can be very serious about a lot of matters.
    She always tells me I have an intensity. And this makes her feel like it takes time to warm up and relax. I have very penetrating energy. She says Iím not like most men sheís dated. Generally goes for effeminate men because she can relax easily, however sexual attraction is usually blunted. But with me because Iím quite masculine, she canít so easily relax, but sexual attraction is very high.

  4. #14
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    16
    Originally Posted by maew
    What bothers me about what you describe is that this woman isn't making any effort to come out of her shell, she is just leaning back and letting you do all of the emotional work in the relationship. This isn't healthy for either of you, and the stage has been set for this to continue indefinitely.

    OP at the end of the day, she might be the nicest person in the world, but she doesn't love you and will always be holding part of herself back from committing fully to your relationship. You will always feel like you are the one chasing and doing the heavy lifting, figuratively speaking. You deserve to have a relationship that is not just reciprocal financially, but also emotionally.
    Youíre totally correct in the idea of me being the one to hold up the emotional aspect.
    But there might be a way for her to put in more of her emotional self and for me to retreat a bit, right? Just by pursuing other interests of mine?

    She doesnít love me yet. Everyone falls at different times. I came in to the relationship shop clean of any past hurts or damage. She came in to it still licking her wounds from a past relationship; which she did communicate.

    The thing which may be true.. is she might just be the type to always hold back parts of herself within intimacy and I will always be able to sense this as it wonít be completely free and playful.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    1,729
    But there might be a way for her to put in more of her emotional self and for me to retreat a bit, right? Just by pursuing other interests of mine?
    This is what they call a "faint hope clause"... the thing that people grab onto in the faint hope that maybe, just maybe, if they wait long enough the other person will change.

    Staying with someone for their "potential" always ends up in disappointment and frustration... just look at the 1000's of posts of others on here that have been with emotionally unavailable people.

    The reality is probably not OP. She is emotionally unavailable, has told you this is who she is, and showed you who she is as well, and expects you to accept her as is.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    2,882
    Gender
    Female
    I see what you mean. I don't think either of you are compatible if you're easily perturbed by her. Sorry to say that. If you have such a problem with her personality, simply end the relationship and move on. There's really no point in finding constant fault with your partner. I don't think she's emotionally unavailable. She's shown you and spoken about your future together and indicated in her actions that she's into you. I think you're just way too sensitive and insecure about the relationship; it goes both ways (or can be seen in different ways). I don't live your reality so it's difficult for anyone, including me, to pass judgment. My personality with yours? We definitely wouldn't get along very well for example. I'd be walking on eggshells with everything I say because you're apt to misconstrue or take things too personally. I don't know how bad your bad days with her are. I can't hear the tone in her voice if she's feeling insecure (everyone has bad days). I'm just not one to make a big deal of a lot of things.

    I think what you said about the being free and playful might be right but I don't see why you can't be free and playful and let her be exactly as she is. It's a lot of pressure and I'd personally find you unbearable to be around (I mean this in the most not mean way ever - just being honest). You're clearly unhappy. No one would be happy with an unhappy person or knowing their partner is expecting more. Maybe this is you venting because you don't have much clear communication with your partner. I think being honest and upfront is important. Again, if you find her intolerable and disturbing, end the relationship and move on. Don't hold this inside you or let it fester. It's a terrible way to live.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,620
    Gender
    Male
    I'm going to try to take a simple approach here.

    The first few months with someoneóthe first year, let's sayóis when we build a foundation. Your foundation, by the sound of it, is heavily built on a number of feelings that many people do not, in a vacuum, describe as what they want from romance: edginess, headiness, doubts. You have questioned things with heróliterally, in talks, to say nothing of your own headóat a pitch and frequency that surpasses those in ten year marriages. That's not going to go away by building on it, but will just become more cemented and entrenched.

    This is, in short, a pretty clear portrait of what incompatibility looks and feels like.

    Think of it like this. She meets a man, starts dating. She is with that man exactly as she is with you: saying x, doing y. How does he respond to all that? With a sweet sigh of calm where you hyperventilate, with a shrug where you shudder. His calm calms her. Her calm calms him. That is their foundation for opening up to one another. That is what compatibility looks like: simple thing, mysteriously formed.

    Rose has offered a lot of wisdom, a wonderful way to approach this. But I also think what she is describing is the way my straw person man would approach thisóbecause that is just who he is, how he operates, not a state of being he has to try on to feel calm instead of hyperventilating, to train himself how to shrug at stimuli that makes him shudder.

    Just as you'd like her to be, you know, just a touch different than how she is, I'd imagine that she'd like you to be a touch different than how you are. Then you both could just chill, enjoying all the goodness without the static edge. Nice story, and many people spend years inside such dynamics, less comforted by the other than by the sense that once x and y falls into place comfort will be attained.

    I don't think it ever works that way. You don't meet a lot of people who, in year two or three, describe how an initial foundation of disharmony evolved into harmony.

  9. #18
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    16
    Originally Posted by maew
    This is what they call a "faint hope clause"... the thing that people grab onto in the faint hope that maybe, just maybe, if they wait long enough the other person will change.

    Staying with someone for their "potential" always ends up in disappointment and frustration... just look at the 1000's of posts of others on here that have been with emotionally unavailable people.

    The reality is probably not OP. She is emotionally unavailable, has told you this is who she is, and showed you who she is as well, and expects you to accept her as is.
    I see what youíre saying.

    Iím not with her based on potential. We share a hell of a lot together. However there are simply some issues sheís attempting to get through. But she isnít fully available.. she said she was like 45%-50% when I met her, and now sheís about 65%. So itís improvement but still lacking to the level she would ideally like.

    I think if I were to give up, I would be letting go of a really good thing based on a couple of ideal circumstances. Just donít want to let it go, unless she stated she would never get better or didnít desire to.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    2,882
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by bluecastle

    Rose has offered a lot of wisdom, a wonderful way to approach this. But I also think what she is describing is the way my straw person man would approach thisóbecause that is just who he is, how he operates, not a state of being he has to try on to feel calm instead of hyperventilating, to train himself how to shrug at stimuli that makes him shudder.
    This is actually quite rude and unnecessary. You're discrediting my opinions and undercutting them. Please stop referencing me in an effort to push your own ideas forward.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,620
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    This is actually quite rude and unnecessary. You're discrediting my opinions and undercutting them. Please stop referencing me in an effort to push your own ideas forward.
    I'm sorry if that came across as rude. Truly wasn't meant that way. I adore everything you're saying, per usual, and agree with it, universally, as an approach to connecting. It seems we were both hitting the incompatibility button at the same moment, which I reached for after reading OP's response to you.

Page 2 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •