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Thread: Need help on sex life

  1. #1

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    Need help on sex life

    Firstly, some background, me and my boyfriend are studying in university and we have been together for around 2 years and 3 months.

    In our first year, weíve were sexually active, but because of a few pregnancy scares, I gradually became more wary against sex and I came to a point where I could not take the worry from it and hence I wanted to stop having sex. The mistake i made was that i was not able to tell my boyfriend as i was afraid that i would disappoint him. So i usually told him that i was tired or not in the mood

    1.5 years into our relationship, my boyfriend asked me what happened and why i seemed very sexually distant. I raised that i was really worried of getting pregnant and that i felt guilty for doing it (pre-marital sex is not allowed in my religion, and also because i have been brought up that i should not have pre-marital sex). And that i think we should do it less so that i feel less worried about getting pregnant and that i donít feel so guilty. this was my second mistake, not telling him directly that i donít think i want to have pre-marital sex anymore.

    2 years into the relationship, he one day got angry and told me that he could not stand how i was still being so sexually distant, and that he does not get what is the definition of doing it less (less meaning once a year? once a month or what) and that he is feeling disappointed because i keep rejecting his advances. To be fair, for the past 5 months when he said this, i was so busy that i didnít have time to even eat or sleep, and was constantly pulling all nighters and being stressed out.

    I told him honestly this time that i donít think i want to have sex anymore, because of all the guilt and worry i was feeling, that it took away the enjoyment i had. and because i am usually very busy every semester in school, having the guilt and worry on my mind only added to the stress that i was feeling. he said he could not understand how all these while when we had sex i never said anything but then suddenly i started feeling guilty. he said if religion was so important to me in the first place, i wouldnít have done it. I admitted it was my fault, that i didnít know how guilty i wouldíve felt after that and it was my fault for continuing and leading him on.

    He also said that i seemed like i did not even have any wants of sexual intimacy. and i said itís not that i donít, but for the semester i was really packed and i really couldnít afford time for it (trust me, i slept an average of 2-3hours each night for 5 months).

    although he was disappointed, we agreed to not having sex, but will still carry out other intimate acts such as blowjobs etc, just not sex. now it is 3 months after we agreed on this and there were a few times how he would tell me that he was upset that I did not want sex and that he misses it. I did arrange my schedule better such that i had more intimate time to spend with him and made more effort into initiating as well. there are times when he tries to persuade me into doing it, saying that it is safe and that he will take extra precaution.

    The reason why i am writing this is because, today he exploded on me and said that he really cannot take it how we donít have sex anymore and he really really wants to have sex. I told him again firmly about my stand and he again tried to persuade me that it is safe. He says he is stuck and does not know what to do, on one hand he does not want to make me feel forced, but on the other he really wants to have sex.

    At this point, i donít know what to do. should i compromise and give in to him or should i have a clear stand? i honestly do not like the idea of doing what i do not want to do. and i am disappointed that he is trying to persuade me into doing something i donít want to do as well. help me, i really donít know what to do. I understand that there is incompatibility here, but is there anyway to work around the incompatibility? I have already tried initiating other sexual activities but to me it seems that he only wants sex. please advice thank you!
    Last edited by blop; 10-03-2019 at 11:26 AM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Have you not heard of birth control methods? That could solve your problem. You say your religion says no sex before marriage, but you have had sex and done many other intimate sexual acts, so to me you are being hypocritical. I dont blame your bf for getting angry with you.

  3. #3

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    Hi! thanks for replying. unfortunately birth control methods are never 100% safe and does not take away the worry of getting pregnant

  4. #4
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by blop
    on one hand he does not want to make me feel forced, but on the other he really wants to have sex.
    Uhhh... were those actually his words? "He doesn't want me to feel forced" should have been where that one stopped. I'm not saying he's going to pin you down tomorrow, and all it may ever transpire as is him badgering you until you decide having sex is the lesser grievance, but I'd start taking seriously that it's most likely best you drop out for your own health and safety.

    I mean, look. If I were sexually active with a woman for the first year and then she started the whole "I don't want to get pregnant / but God says I shouldn't" routine, it might be an internal eye roll moment for me, but at the end of the day, anyone is free to not want to have sex for whatever reason. Doesn't matter how goofy I might think it. If he really wants to have sex in his committed relationships, you're certainly not the only warm-blooded female out there.

    He wants sex in the relationship. You don't. It doesn't get much more incompatible than that. Absolutely he shouldn't keep bringing it up if you're consistently uncomfortable with the idea. And he certainly shouldn't be "blowing up" about it. But you can also see how big of a dilemma and glaring incompatibility there is here. You can just as well make the intelligent decision to cut the cord. Take some responsibility for your own life.

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  6. #5

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    Hi! thanks for replying. yes those were his words.
    Anyhow, i understand that it is my mistake to begin with and i know this is my fault. I have told him that iím sorry (i know it does not make things better) and that if he cannot accept the change, we have no choice but to part ways. he replied that it is hard for him to accept it and heís still constantly questioning why it turned out like that. but he also does not want to lose me. in my pov, it seems like he does not really know what he wants more as well. i think heís also not used to having things going smoothly and his way as heís been quite fortunate in life so far that he has had things going his way all the while.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok, you need to get to a clinic or doctor for reliable birth control and some sex education as well as a better understanding of STDs you can use contraception and should be using condoms as well. If you simply don't want or don't feel ready for sex, speak up. You need to realize you never "owe" anyone sex.
    Originally Posted by blop
    unfortunately birth control methods are never 100% safe and does not take away the worry of getting pregnant

  8. #7
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by blop
    Hi! thanks for replying. yes those were his words.
    Anyhow, i understand that it is my mistake to begin with and i know this is my fault. I have told him that iím sorry (i know it does not make things better) and that if he cannot accept the change, we have no choice but to part ways. he replied that it is hard for him to accept it and heís still constantly questioning why it turned out like that. but he also does not want to lose me. in my pov, it seems like he does not really know what he wants more as well. i think heís also not used to having things going smoothly and his way as heís been quite fortunate in life so far that he has had things going his way all the while.
    Alright, well first off, him considering your chastity showing up a year late as foundation-breaking isn't just a matter of someone "used to having things go his way." I'd make no mistake-- If a guy invests a solid year into you and you decide after then that sex just isn't going to be a thing anymore, you're gonna get dumped. The difference between a decent guy and your boyfriend is that the decent guy is gonna wish you luck then and there rather than constantly raise a stink and blow up over it before inevitably wishing you luck.

    Again, take some responsibility. He's obviously not happy with how abandoning sex has gone. And, albeit from a bit of a different angle, neither are you. You're feeling compelled to do something you don't want to do. Don't put it on him to be the one to decide whether you should keep putting up with this dynamic.

    Seriously, I'd let him go. Even if he weren't acting like an ass, the dynamic all this has established wouldn't be sustainable for 99.99% of relationships. This being your college romance, never mind what you've described, nobody's going to put money on you two being the ones to break the wheel.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It doesn't matter how it happened, in my mind. If you currently have misgivings and your thoughts/ideas have changed it means that you've evolved. Don't batter and bruise yourself into thinking that you can be anything other than what you are. This person is confused and he doesn't understand that you've evolved differently. Be mature about this and end the relationship with him if you feel that his lack of understanding cannot evolve with you. You are already bending over backwards (no pun intended) trying to accommodate him with other sexual acts. The problem is that you're uncomfortable with premarital sex also. Be honest with yourself.

    It might do you a lot of good if you also were more honest about your spirituality. Get back in touch with your religious community and start attending more events and local ongoings. Meet more people like you, re-learn and re-develop your relationship with your peers in your spiritual community and look into youth groups close to you. You do not have to go over the top and start spending hours with them. Take an hour out of your week or month or a short ten minutes in prayer every day.

    I think a great deal of your nervousness comes from your desire for more of a relationship with God and you haven't been able to take the time or engage in any activities or prayer that helps you develop that relationship. Stop guilt-tripping yourself. Speak with a counsellor or a youth leader in your community and don't live in fear and isolation. I'm feeling a giant gap and dearth in you for greater spiritual awareness and a thirst for it and you aren't growing in your current relationship, spiritually.

    Educate yourself in more safe sex practices (go to a clinic and ask questions) or attend workshops for sex and pregnancy/std prevention. Speak to a health counsellor on campus also. Enrich your mind with more knowledge overall and start reconnecting again with your spiritual community.

    I don't think it's fair to take him down this road for more awareness and learning as he has expressed a lot of frustration with you already. You can be frank with him about your plans for the future but you should be clear about where you're headed. He can make a decision too on whether this is right for him.

    You do have a duty to yourself, physically, mentally and spiritually, to continue your own enrichment and development. You're not balancing these enough in your life due to stress in your classes. It was the same for me when I was going through university. You're more than a girlfriend. Accept that and learn/evolve.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 10-03-2019 at 12:43 PM.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by blop
    Hi! thanks for replying. unfortunately birth control methods are never 100% safe and does not take away the worry of getting pregnant
    Get yourself on the pill and use condoms for backup.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What the others are saying.

    Through the fog of stress and nerves you have a simple impasse. You are a woman who, at this juncture in your life, has decided that you don't want to have sex until you are married. You are also a woman in a relationship with a man who wants to have sex before he is married. Neither of these are wrong or right, but together they do not fit. Since you are both pretty young, and began the relationship with a sexual foundation, there is some confusion.

    But it's not confusing, not really. It's incompatibility. Own that and you'll be free: free to go deeper into your self, your spirituality, and meet people who meet you on that level. And he will be free to connect romantically with a woman who meets him on his level. Sad, yes, for a moment. But is that moment sadder than this tug-of-war that is just pulling both of you further and further from your authentic selves?

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