Firstly, some background, me and my boyfriend are studying in university and we have been together for around 2 years and 3 months.
In our first year, we’ve were sexually active, but because of a few pregnancy scares, I gradually became more wary against sex and I came to a point where I could not take the worry from it and hence I wanted to stop having sex. The mistake i made was that i was not able to tell my boyfriend as i was afraid that i would disappoint him. So i usually told him that i was tired or not in the mood
1.5 years into our relationship, my boyfriend asked me what happened and why i seemed very sexually distant. I raised that i was really worried of getting pregnant and that i felt guilty for doing it (pre-marital sex is not allowed in my religion, and also because i have been brought up that i should not have pre-marital sex). And that i think we should do it less so that i feel less worried about getting pregnant and that i don’t feel so guilty. this was my second mistake, not telling him directly that i don’t think i want to have pre-marital sex anymore.
2 years into the relationship, he one day got angry and told me that he could not stand how i was still being so sexually distant, and that he does not get what is the definition of doing it less (less meaning once a year? once a month or what) and that he is feeling disappointed because i keep rejecting his advances. To be fair, for the past 5 months when he said this, i was so busy that i didn’t have time to even eat or sleep, and was constantly pulling all nighters and being stressed out.
I told him honestly this time that i don’t think i want to have sex anymore, because of all the guilt and worry i was feeling, that it took away the enjoyment i had. and because i am usually very busy every semester in school, having the guilt and worry on my mind only added to the stress that i was feeling. he said he could not understand how all these while when we had sex i never said anything but then suddenly i started feeling guilty. he said if religion was so important to me in the first place, i wouldn’t have done it. I admitted it was my fault, that i didn’t know how guilty i would’ve felt after that and it was my fault for continuing and leading him on.
He also said that i seemed like i did not even have any wants of sexual intimacy. and i said it’s not that i don’t, but for the semester i was really packed and i really couldn’t afford time for it (trust me, i slept an average of 2-3hours each night for 5 months).
although he was disappointed, we agreed to not having sex, but will still carry out other intimate acts such as blowjobs etc, just not sex. now it is 3 months after we agreed on this and there were a few times how he would tell me that he was upset that I did not want sex and that he misses it. I did arrange my schedule better such that i had more intimate time to spend with him and made more effort into initiating as well. there are times when he tries to persuade me into doing it, saying that it is safe and that he will take extra precaution.
The reason why i am writing this is because, today he exploded on me and said that he really cannot take it how we don’t have sex anymore and he really really wants to have sex. I told him again firmly about my stand and he again tried to persuade me that it is safe. He says he is stuck and does not know what to do, on one hand he does not want to make me feel forced, but on the other he really wants to have sex.
At this point, i don’t know what to do. should i compromise and give in to him or should i have a clear stand? i honestly do not like the idea of doing what i do not want to do. and i am disappointed that he is trying to persuade me into doing something i don’t want to do as well. help me, i really don’t know what to do. I understand that there is incompatibility here, but is there anyway to work around the incompatibility? I have already tried initiating other sexual activities but to me it seems that he only wants sex. please advice thank you!
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