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Thread: Need help on sex life

  1. #11
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    It doesn't really matter when you changed your mind - what matters is that you changed it, period. You don't want intercourse and that's fine. What about other sexual acts? Are you totally against anything at all? If you are, or you're too busy, too tired, etc and you just don't want anything at all, you need to be honest with him. It's not right for him to pressure you into these things, but neither is it okay for you to expect him to remain in this "relationship" without meeting him wants and needs - a relationship without sexual connection is just a friendship.

  2. #12

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    I am ok with other sexual acts other than sex. blowjobs hand jobs kissing whatever is fine with me except sex. mainly because of the risk that comes with it. with my busy life i really do not have time to deal with it if that risk ever occurs. i told all these to him honestly and so we drew the line to everything except sex. i have also adjusted my schedule to include more intimate time and to make it a point to initiate more as well. but 3 months later, he says that he still really misses it. iím not stopping him from leaving the relationship, but i think he canít decide whether sex is impt to him such that he should leave or that he should stay with me because he loves me a lot.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by blop
    i think heís also not used to having things going smoothly and his way as heís been quite fortunate in life so far that he has had things going his way all the while.
    I think this comment is very telling.
    The term you used to describe the period time you two were sexually intimate, as `things going his way'?

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I think you are both kind of confused right now, searching for some meaning, which is essentially all we're ever doing. But you are making that search cloudier for each other, rather than clearer.

    At 20, when sex was new for me, I could see myself trying to "make it work" with a girlfriend who removed home runs from the menu after a year of rounding the bases. By 26 I knew myself well enough to know that would in no way work for me, and so I would show my girlfriend, and myself, respect by ending things.

    At some point you will have to take a more active approach to connectionsówith others, with yourself. No, you are "not stopping him from leaving," but is there really comfort in that, for you? Does "not stopping him from leaving" get you want you want, a connection that is not guilt-inducing and complicated? Is "not stopping him from leaving" allowing you to inhabit your spiritual self as you wish to be inhabited, seen as you wish to be seen? These are questions to ask yourself, and take seriously. It sounds like you already have the answers, but are waiting for him to reach the same conclusions. That wait may be long, and fraught, be warned.

    Sex, however we define it, is one of the loveliest things humans do. It is the chocolate ice cream of connection: sweet and delicious. If it is not that you really run the risk of turning it into something else, an act of shame, a simple thing turned into a complicated knot. Knots, the longer they stay knotted, are very tedious to untangle.

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  6. #15
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    This relationship is unlikely to work out, OP.

    You two are incompatible on a pretty fundamental level. He isn't wrong to want sex and feel disappointed that you have changed your mind, and you are not wrong to have changed your mind. However, these two stances on sex are not going to work together in a relationship very well.

    I think you would be wise to let each other go.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by blop
    iím not stopping him from leaving the relationship, but i think he canít decide whether sex is impt to him such that he should leave or that he should stay with me because he loves me a lot.
    I think what you are doing to each other is equally unfair.

    To say ďif he loves me enough, heíll be ok not having sexĒ is just as bad as saying ďif she loves me enough, she will agree to have sexĒ.

    I donít think itís about levels of love at all - and I think you are BOTH wrong to put that qualifier on it. Itís totally unfair. Itís about competing wants and needs. Not about how much each one cares.

    I donít think there is a compromise on this. I think that anything the two of you do to try to compromise will only lead to a slower, more painful death of the relationship.

    I think the kindest thing to do is to acknowledge the incompatibility and move on. This will allow each of you to seek what you are looking for in a relationship - and hey - if itís meant to be, maybe things will change and you will come back together.

    ... but hanging on and letting it slowly deteriorate is not a good plan. And I donít think it has anything to do with love.

  8. #17
    In my opinion, doing everything except intercourse is still "sex"! Saying you don't want to have sex because of your religious beliefs doesn't jive since you are actually having sex already (except the part that can make you pregnant)! Why don't you just go on the birth control pill which is very effective, and make love together and be happy!!

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Excellent. At any time you can say no to whatever doesn't suit you. If he leaves he leaves. If intercourse is not what you want right now that's fine. Never let anyone bully you into any type of sex act you don't want to engage in. It doesn't matter what you started out doing and how you feel now. It's your body, your health and your responsibility to do what's right for you. Never have sex to hang onto a man.
    Originally Posted by blop
    iím not stopping him from leaving the relationship.

  10. #19
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    Hey blop.
    Let me share my viewpoint.
    Firstly I have a question, do you actually enjoy blowjobs, handjobs, and kissing or you just do it for your boyfriend and to keep your relationship alive??
    Ig it is the second you know where this is going, it is incompatibility whose solution is freeing yourselves from each other and finding your soulmates.
    But if it you are really enjoying those secual acts as you call them, here we go to your concerns.
    As per your religion beleif of not having pre-marital sex well actually handjobs, blowjobs mean that you two are actually having sex, even though not penetrative sex. But that doesn't make any difference, you are still having sex.
    As per the second concern, well people here gave you pretty good advices on how you can get really well protected.

    And the most important one I think you are overeacting on having such a busy life where you only sleep 2 h per day. I think that is happening cause you are being stressed and this situation is not helping. I would suggest that you take some time for you only cause you deserve it and enjoy it. Life is not only working and sleeping. Tale care of yourself and try to minimize stress. You can start some yoga or pilates classes which will really help you on that.
    Good luck, and don't stress. The solutions are on the table. You only need to ask yourself why are you actually doing this to you and your boyfriend, which is the reason inside you for depriving yourselves feom sex.
    Have fun!

  11. 11-08-2019, 02:33 AM

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