Need another point of view

Hello

I just turn 50 and had gained some weight even though im not super overweight but i feel very self consious about myself. I want to lose the weight but its been a struggle with the hormones and stuff. I have been dating someone who is in their late 50s for over a year now. Which it is exclusive and I see him almost every day. The dilemma I have is that he always makes comments of other women on the tv or maybe someone he knew from past and says they are attractive. He never compliments me even if im dressed up. When I ask him do you think i am..he says your fine your ok...dont worry about it. I know that might be very insignificant to some but I always been with men who have been very affectionate and expressed themselves..he is the opposite. If something is bothering me and I say something. He clearly changes the subject at first I didn't notice and later it's so obvious now. I have gave up discussing relationship issue...Like i cant even say why are you with me..sometimes I want to hear that he loves me or that hes attracted to me. I think this is basic and simple thing to ask for. This has gotten me depressed and I feel even more self-conscious about myself. BTW we dont have any sex HE has issues and things are not working on his part and refuses to go to the doc so I have basically given up sex being with him.and everything that goes with it. Like i need to beg and now stopped trying to convince him. So Im thinking if he has low drive level why are you drooling over other woman when im right her.....We go places and do things like normal couples do but with out intmacy I know so strange. I feel like im settling for someone just so I wont be alone. Please help with advice thank you

It's better to be alone and enjoy solo time pampering yourself than to be with someone you're clearly settling for. You still could have 30-50 years left of your life (my cousin's mother-in-law just died at age 100).

Sexual compatibility in itself should be a must-have for any couples happiness. He belongs with a woman who only wants companionship without sex. You belong with a man who matches you in that area, and makes you feel like the special woman you are, instead of being depressed.

Make a must-have list and dealbreaker list for dating, and next time stick to it instead of wasting a whole year of your precious life. Try meet up.com to find local activities for singles in your age group.

If you wouldn't care about a few extra pounds on a man, why would you think they care about yours? Confidence is the biggest attractor. I met my second and present husband at age 47. I've read about men and women who have met in their 80s and 90s in nursing homes and have gotten married. Stop making excuses and make your life what you want it to be. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I feel like im settling for someone just so I wont be alone.

I'd say you've diagnosed the issue pretty clearly and concisely in this sentence.

You were pretty stressed about him back in July—understandably, as it didn't seem you got much out of this relationship save a riding buddy. But is the ride worth it when there are so many bumps in the road? Are motorcycles even fun to ride when you're kind of thinking the rear wheel is about to fall off every time you bank into a curve? I'd be asking those questions right now if I were you.

He's not mysterious. He's a dude, mid 50s, who gives you much less emotionally and physically than you want. That is a constant, as reliable as whatever number of ccs are in your bike's engine. You get to decide if that's enough, or not. That's where your power is. Asking him to express himself differently, or show more care, is like asking a Sportster 1200 to morph into a Ducati 929—a nice thought, sure, but not something that will happen, and as such a pretty exhausting thought to entertain on the regular.

So I guess you can keep turning him into a mystery, and find some kind of jagged pleasure in all that, or you can focus on yourself a bit and figure out why you're settling for someone who hasn't delivered much happiness. You've got a lot of life left to live. Is this how you want to keep living it?

I feel like im settling for someone just so I wont be alone.

Yes you are... he doesn't treat you with love and affection, and you are unhappy.

Question is where do you go from here?

Sorry to hear this. You need to get to a doctor for a work up. Also get some help with a good fitness and nutrition program. Get out more with friends. Take some classes and courses. Do more fun thing without dragging him along. Get new clothes, hair, a new look etc. Don't depend on him for support you need from other sources and yourself.

His flaccid nature and lack of affection is destroying things and he doesn't care to help that, be attentive, caring or affectionate, etc. Dump him. His ED is not helping your situation.

I want to hear that he loves me or that hes attracted to me. we dont have any sex HE has issues and things are not working on his part and refuses to go to the doc. I feel like im settling for someone just so I wont be alone. Please help with advice thank you

Thank you for your kind words and I know I have to make the right decision for the best for my future. I will work on myself physically and mentally and hope it will a difference in my view of my self-worth.

Girl, your self-confidence is so low you need a microscope to see it. Please never ever put yourself in a position where you're feeling this badly. If you know that your weak area is your weight, work on it (see a doctor or specialist, hire a personal trainer or nutritionist to help you develop more meal plans) and figure out realistic goals. Also lose the loser!

If someone is so hard up over a lady on the tv that he has to open his big mouth about it with you around, let him go. You can't help the opinions of others or what he thinks but verbally acting out on it with no filter is quite moronic and insensitive towards you.

So okay, when I was 18, I did this exact thing. I settled with a dude that was a few years older than me, but never wanted to have sex, EVER. The relationship lasted for 3 years and it sucked so bad. You are better than this!!

First the weight gain , I didn't believe it was true , all the middle aged women complaining about the midrift of fat they suddenly got ....untill I turned 48 and the menopause started and good grief I have never known anything like it , after a life of extreme fitness at times and certainly a life of looking after my shape I sarted to turn into a sweaty balloon with two skinny legs dangling out the bottom ..my acupuncturist thinks we are truly amazing as women , how our bodies know to store this excess weight because we are changing , I don't share her enthusiasm

It is a fact , we have to work extra hard and that is all there is to it ..not saying all women balloon up like this , but certainly I have seen it for myself now . So you are not alone in that department .

It sounds like you are settling ...pure and simple ..get yourself out there and enjoy life and enjoy sex and enjoy that special feeling with someone ..you are gorgeous and deserve to live it all to the full .

If he had problems with ED - a medical condition but you clearly knew he found you attractive in all sorts of little ways and he was crazy about you and a supportive man who loved you to pieces I would stay with him. you yourself are having issues related to hormones --- people get older and have issues. But i would not settle for someone who is just "there". He clearly is not jazzed by you, so i would go.

Dump this insensitive clown.

I just turned 56. I have to work ant keeping the weight off with regular cardio (5-6 days a week). I also watch my carb intake closely, and only allow one fat-day a week. Yes. It sucks, but I've got to do it.

Also, if you are not happy with your body type then make changes with exercise and diet. Do it for YOU!

I am sorry if you are feeling like this. You received great advices. I will add that I used was much bigger and I had a lot of attention from men because of my smile, personality.

Smile ! Make some little changes to make you smile.

As for your man, literally every man will be better than him cause he is not bringing much to a table isn't ?

You are not 80 so don't act like 80!

Come on !

You can have tones of sex and enjoy life without his heaviness around. There are really nice men in their 50ties who would do a lot to be around you.

Please don't settle. It is better be alone than with someone who makes you feel inadequate.

Wishing you a luck and courage from all my heart.

Sorry to hear this. You need to get to a doctor for a work up. Also get some help with a good fitness and nutrition program. Get out more with friends. Take some classes and courses. Do more fun thing without dragging him along. Get new clothes, hair, a new look etc. Don't depend on him for support you need from other sources and yourself.

 

His flaccid nature and lack of affection is destroying things and he doesn't care to help that, be attentive, caring or affectionate, etc. Dump him. His ED is not helping your situation.

Flaccid nature lol.

Trust me, being single (not "alone") is way preferable to being shackled to a lame-o.

I see two separate issues. I don't think you should date him and I don't think his treatment of you has anything to do with your weight. He is acting like a jerk and treating you disrespectfully and you deserve better.

I am 53, my sister is 58 and my mother 84. None of us has ever been overweight. The only diet my mother has ever been on is to gain weight and, lately, to cut back on sugar because her sugar level is too high in her bloodwork. I do see where lately it seems easier to gain weight than before but I am not sure if that is hormones, age, just don't know. I do know that part of the reason I am slim/thin is because of genetics. Part is because I exercise regularly, part because I have good discipline and portion control and part because I simply don't have a large appetite and my appetite has decreased over the years.

I would try Weight Watchers since I have seen several of my female friends do really well with it. I would also start a cardio focused daily exercise thing - fast walking for 20-30 minutes with a goal of at least 30 a day and if not every day at the very least 5 days a week and being really focused on moving your body a whole lot more -taking stairs, scrubbing floors, walking further and briskly from a parking spot. I'd do at least 10 glasses of water a day, no sodas or diet soda (maybe sparkling water with no sweetener or artifical sweetener) - I found that increasing water and cutting out diet soda decreased my carb cravings. Get in the habit of having only one slice of bread or half the bread if you eat a sandwich, etc.

But yes something reasonable and sensible like weight watchers. I wouldn't blame it all on hormones, just saying. This is not so you get a guy. This is so you get yourself back -you feel better, you like yourself more, you have more energy. When I do my daily cardio it's no marathon, it's no 6-pack abs builder and I feel at 7:20am after being up sine 5:55am that I can take on the whole world. I know it's exaggerated but that's how I feel. And it feels great even if it's not "true". I hope you get to feel the same, very soon.

If you're settling for someone who makes you feel lousy, start by losing THAT amount of weight.

From there, I'd make it a goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from that year of settling to create a fabulous future for myself.

This guy is not that.

Agree lose this 200 pound jerk before anything else..

If you're settling for someone who makes you feel lousy, start by losing THAT amount of weight.