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Thread: Redeeming baby or partner

  1. #1
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    Redeeming baby or partner

    Iím wanting views on this situation and thoughts on what youíd do... Iíll try to keep it very brief but I realise there will be a lot of detail missing.

    Iím 4.5 years out of an 8 yr violent relationship. (Including rape so he could have his second child - which I lost). I have a 7 year old (which he wanted and then wanted aborted after I was pregnant - I had a very complicated and abusive pregnancy).

    I met an amazing man 3 yrs ago and have been taking things very slow. He has 4 kids, is an amazing dad and when we met told me he really really wanted more. I told him I had no interest in more.

    About 18 months ago I decided I needed some support to move through the baby damage as it was obvious this man wanted more kids - he was repeatedly very open about this (as I had always wanted a big family before my ex I felt if I would be supported I could change my mind). I didnít tell him I was seeking support.

    12 months later, a lot of therapy and I finally felt like I was in a place where I could discuss my change of mind with him only for him to tell me that he had also changed his mind and was done with babies. He no longer wanted more. He basically said that he didnít want to hold me back from having more kids and understood if I wanted to break up. He didnít want to break up.

    I had the choice of leaving my best friend and the only relationship I had ever felt safe, secure and loved or never having the redeeming pregnancy I felt I needed to really heal from my past.

    I felt like I had just been pushed down again. I was confused and angry that he had taken this choice away from me.

    I chose him. It wasnít a hard choice at the time because I just defaulted back to previous thoughts on babies.

    Issue is, now (6 months later) all my friends are having babies and Iím feeling very triggered, confused, hurt and resentful and I donít know what to do.

    This man loves me dearly, he is amazing and supportive and kind. He is amazing with my child and my child adores him and his kids. But Iím so angry at him for changing his mind right when it mattered most and with such a sensitive issue for me.

    We already attend counselling whilst we slowly blend our families together and she believes this needed to be a decision we made together but he can be pretty stubborn.

    Iíd really like to know what others would do in my situation and how you would feel. It would break my heart (and his) to leave and our kids adore each other and are at school together.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    So, a baby shouldn't be regarded as a "redeeming pregnancy". This is a living breathing human who shouldn't be given the assignment before birth of "redeeming" you.

    What does your therapist say about this "redeeming pregnancy " idea?

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    Woah! Sensitive much! I am acutely aware of a baby being a living, breathing human. I never wanted to bring another child into the world if a pregnancy could be so abusive and the other parent didnít really want them.

    I always wanted at least 5 children because I love kids and wanted a big family. The abuse I got from my ex however really put me off any more kids.

    Therapist said that not all pregnancies can be redeemed by another baby, but some can. It all depends on what went wrong with the traumatic pregnancy and what you need to heal.

    I would love to have more kids with my partner, which is a huge thing for me to say. I donít want kids for the sake of it, I want a baby with him. Heís beautiful (kind, patient, supportive, gentle).

    I feel I need a pregnancy that is loving and kind and wanted and supportive to heal and that is the bonus for bringing a much wanted (by me) baby into this world. He was so adamant for so long that he wanted more kids that I let my guard down and thought it might be possible for me to bring a child into this world with two loving parents and no abuse. And now Iím feeling at a total loss - again.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Yeah, so bolt's not the sensitive one here. You actually went into this relationship with you both understanding you didn't want a child. It took you over a year to convey to him you'd changed your mind. Which is fair enough. But you can't hold it against him for changing his own. No one took any choice away from you. You changed your mind and are flabbergasted at the idea someone else could do the same.

    Honestly, just reading this, it's incredibly obvious you're going to hold it against this guy for not facilitating your "redemption baby" fantasy. It'd be best to see the situation for what it is. It's unfair to him to hold him liable for it, and it seems unfair to you to hold yourself back from what you truly want. Though I'd get another therapist if she legit thinks any context within which a "redemption baby" is at all appropriate, whether between the child or the mother's mental state behind it.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately, you met, got attached and continued then changed your mind. This is confusing and unfair to both of you.
    Originally Posted by tigermoth
    I met an amazing man 3 yrs ago and have been taking things very slow. He has 4 kids, is an amazing dad and when we met told me he really really wanted more. I told him I had no interest in more.

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    I already have another therapist. The reason is irrelevant to this conversation.

    I take on board what youíve said and youíre right, I shouldnít hold it against him and I donít want to. He is absolutely entitled to change his mind. As much as I sound (and am) angry, I am very logical and struggling to make sense of my feelings when I genuinely accept the logic of it all.

    What I truly want is a baby with him. I absolutely do not want a baby for the sake of it and I have zero interest in looking for a new partner for the sole purpose of having a baby.

    I just feel cheesed off because I never would have taken my baby wall down if he wasnít so adamant he wanted another baby and then when I changed my mind, he changed his and now I canít put the baby feelings back behind the wall.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by tigermoth
    I just feel cheesed off because I never would have taken my baby wall down if he wasnít so adamant he wanted another baby and then when I changed my mind, he changed his and now I canít put the baby feelings back behind the wall.
    I think it's natural that you are going to feel disappointed that things didn't work out the way you expected.

    Anytime we do work on ourselves expecting a particular outcome, we are usually disappointed with the results, because we can't control the thoughts and feelings of other people, nor can we predict what happens in life.

    The challenge here is how do you own those feelings and come to recognize that the healing work you did needs to be for your benefit... one of moving through that grief and letting go of the past... vs. doing it for the benefit of the relationship.

    Here is what I see... you have a loving and supportive partner that helped motivate you to explore the letting go of your past. You, with the help of your therapist, were the one to go through all of those feelings and come out the other side. That's huge! Many people never get there.

    Is it fair that after all that work that he changed his mind? Probably not. Should you honor the fact that you went through it and focus on that vs. the fact that he changed his mind? Absolutely.

    Here's the thing... having a baby is technically a decision that needs to be made together but at the end of the day, it's a deeply personal decision as to whether or not someone wants a child. He is free to decide for himself that he doesn't want one, and you are free to be angry and upset that he changed his mind... the question is where you both go from here.

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    Thank you for such a fabulously worded, non judgemental and helpful response.

    As you said, the question really is where do we go from here. I donít know and I guess Iím looking for where other people would go if in my shoes.

    This is an incredibly painful topic for me, one Iíd rather avoid but know I canít. Our couples therapist said we should have made the decision together and because we didnít, is why Iím now feeling like I am.

    Unfortunately a lot of the scars never seem to leave, no matter the amount of therapy.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I would end the relationship if I were in your shoes. There's a lot of resentment there and given your past and circumstances, I would recognize that I've lost sight of the bigger picture and need time alone to heal. If I were in your shoes, it'd be apparent to me that I have not healed completely yet. My desire for a child eclipses the happiness I'm already experiencing in a happy and loving relationship and if I'm willing to put my own and my existing child's happiness and stability at risk I am not 100% ok.

    I agree with you, OP, that your partner's change of heart is upsetting. But I'd need to do a lot of reflecting on why that bothers me so much.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by tigermoth

    Unfortunately a lot of the scars never seem to leave, no matter the amount of therapy.
    It seems you have a variety of legitimate reasons for wanting another child with your guy, yet when someone gets close to the idea of one of being a `redemption' you have a very big defensive reaction to that. Try not to get hung up on the term. But in this statement here (like others) you, you wrap it up once again about healing the scars from the past.

    This is an incredibly painful topic for me, one Iíd rather avoid but know I canít.

    I am not trying to be insensitive here. I think your desire for having a baby is genuine at the same time complex. But I also think the idea of not being able to have one after all is what triggers you and causes the pain to bubble up. I can totally understand wanting to put the past behind you for good. But this may not be the way.
    At least not now.

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