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Making peace with sexual history


Sourmilk

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I need to start acknowledging I am the problem here. I’m looking for help to come to peace with what I know and not let my insecurities manifest in ways that will damage my relationship.

 

My girlfriend and I are both 34. We both have a history at not being great at relationships and we can both say we have messed up previous relationships and made some mistakes. Where we are both at now is the opposite. We’ve been together a little over a year, and it has been great. We go from strength to strength and feel closer today than ever before since we’ve been together. We’re talking about moving in together at the middle of next year after she goes away for work for 6 months.

 

What I need help with is coming to terms with her self described ty period. Her words, not mine. She has told me a few stories (none that I have asked for) of some of the things she has experienced in the past that make me insecure. There is added hypocrisy with this as I have my own ty period, of which I keep more to myself. I have no doubt that we love each other immensely and want to be together for a long time, but every now and then, about once every day or 2, I can’t help but think of one of these stories then obsess over it and compare myself to some of her experiences.

 

I told her I appreciate her words that what we have is better than a one night stand or a public dalliance with a stranger, and I know she is right, but is there any advice I can take in that will get these thoughts out of my head.

 

I believe her, I trust her and I am excited by the future we want together, I’m just tired of my mind being polluted by my own insecurities. They shouldn’t be there. She’s told me I am the best and most passionate person she has been with. I satisfy her and she is wonderfully happy to wake up with me everyday. All this should be enough, but sometimes I can’t help but think I want her to pick me out in a crowd at a nightclub and have some fun with no strings.

 

What can I do so I don’t let this fester and blurt it out one day in a tiff while emotions are high??

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What can I do so I don’t let this fester and blurt it out one day in a tiff while emotions are high??

 

I think you just need to be very vigilant about this, as you are being right now. You have to be careful every time there is a potential trigger until the feelings run their course, which I think they eventually will.

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While she is away, take the time to reflect and consider that with all the ongoing strive over this, that and the other for most of the relationship, whether moving in is advisable. It seems you both are trying very hard, maybe too hard to make this work.

We’re talking about moving in together at the middle of next year after she goes away for work for 6 months. I’m just tired of my mind being polluted by my own insecurities.
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You should be honest with her and tell her that you'd prefer not to hear these stories as they don't help anything and make you uncomfortable.

 

Surely she can understand that?

 

I don't even know why she thought it a good idea to start even talking about it.

 

As for the stories she already told, just remind yourself that it was all nonsense. Cause if it hadn't been a waste of her time, she would have stayed in that situation.

 

It was her history and nothing good came of it...which is why she came searching for you.

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Anxiety is based in fear, and no doubt the fear that if she used to be like that, that she might still be like that or will be like that again in the future. And I am sure it is coming to a head now she is off away for work for 6 months.

 

There is no reason to believe she will do anything and in fact, it is most likely she will not. But, to be honest, for all we say, it will likely not change how your mind works. You need to do some work on yourself, talk to a councellor, learn to meditate or all of the above, just to work these insecurities out of your head. As it is all about fear of something that will very likely never happen.

 

Do know that once insecurities start they have a tendency to spiral out of control unless you do something about it. And it could very well lead to the end of the relationship, with her wondering what went wrong with her wonderful man.

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It sounds like you both learned some not so healthy relationship habits, for example her over sharing. Your insecurity, and instead of fixing it you kinda just found each other. Which your prerogative, but the unhealthy relationship habits don’t just go away because you meet the right person, that’s why they say fix yourself before entering the relationship, entering a relationship as two damaged individuals doesn’t mean you’re guaranteed failure but you’re guaranteed those issues will surface in some way shape or form.

 

Unfortunately at this point you know, you can’t unknow, so there’s nothing to do to erase that knowledge, unless you have that one contraption from men in black.

 

I think your best solution is going to be communication and you working on your self esteem and self destructive behaviors. I don’t see why you would have to be mindful to not say petty and hurtful things during an argument, don’t ever ever ever use someone sexual history as a weapon against them. Don’t you dare sl*t shame her when you were a sl*t your darn self! Seriously though the fact that you’d have to fight to not do that... not a good thing in my opinion, but whatever it is what it is. Have you considered role playing? If you want to be a guy who picks her up at a bar for a quickie, play the role, it can be a lot of fun, but that’s what Imean about communicating, communicate your desires.

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Every person in my life has upset me at one time or another. She made a mistake by sharing irrelevant info to you. Obviously nobody wants to run that film reel through their head about their partner being intimate with someone else. In her mind, she might've liked a jealous reaction from you, and it's probably her own insecurity, broadcasting that other men do find her desirable.

 

The control you have now is to stop her if she gets diarrhea of the mouth and say: What happened in the past between you and other men is something I don't want to hear about. I'd rather talk about us and our future together.

 

When the newness of this relationship turns into a day after day building of a beautiful life together, that old discussion will become a non-important thing that you no longer think of, just as when you have an argument, it loses its potency as each hour and day passes, and then you get back to the business of getting along.

 

If you want to be proactive about getting this relationship right, get couples books on communication, like Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Read articles on how to keep a spark alive in a relationship. Those are much more pleasant things to concentrate on. You can train your brain to go any way you choose. When you catch yourself thinking of something negative, quickly divert those thoughts to a better place. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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Along with figureitout, I think what's very tough here is that neither of you have accepted that your "shi*ty periods" were actually just periods: chapters in your life that brought you to this chapter. Without that understanding—which is something we find for ourselves rather than through another—it can get complicated quick.

 

You do what you guys are doing, which is making shame from your past a bonding point in your present and creating a romantic dynamic that has an air of atonement: a micro-loop of confessions and repenting that magnifies the very shame you're theoretically trying to dispel. Feels very hot and vulnerable early, the story of two filthy people baptizing each other through love. But filth is filth, in the end. You don't clean it up by flinging it around. You clean it up by realizing, oh yeah, it wasn't filth but just life.

 

But, yes, here you are. If she is in the habit of bringing this stuff up on the regular, I would ask her, calmly and lovingly, to stop. That deprives some of the oxygen from the flame of corrosion. I would also give yourself some time to unpack this with a therapist, and with her about to leave for a good stretch you've got a wonderful opportunity for some reflection, some self-cleaning. Once you shed your own guilt and shame—once you stop identifying as someone with a sh*tty past but just someone with a past, like all of us, you'll be less concerned about hers, maybe less inclined to even think of her as a woman with a sh*tty past. Ideally, of course, she can also some day come to see that in the mirror, so in you she is not needing a mirror that reflects her self-conception of a wild child in emotional rehab.

 

And, yeah, if you want her to pick you out at a bar and ravage you in the back alley—well, you can ask for that, suggest it. That's what's fun about being in a relationship: you get to do things that can be shame-inducing in other contexts, be it something saucy or just laying around in sweatpants for a weekend, and make it into something fun and beautiful, together.

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sometimes I can’t help but think I want her to pick me out in a crowd at a nightclub and have some fun with no strings.

 

if you want her to pick you out at a bar and ravage you in the back alley—well, you can ask for that, suggest it. That's what's fun about being in a relationship: you get to do things that can be shame-inducing in other contexts, be it something saucy or just laying around in sweatpants for a weekend, and make it into something fun and beautiful, together.

 

Yet again bluecastle said exactly what I was thinking.

 

Being in a relationship doesn't have to mean the end of your $lutty period.

 

While i think it's tacky to bring past stories of sexual experiences up, especially in a new relationship, maybe your GF is telling you these stories as a way to let you know that she might be into something like that with you.

 

There is something to be said for having the level of trust and feeling safe you seem to have with each other where she feels free to share that stuff with you, and where perhaps you can be free to explore your passions and desires together.

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How long have you been dating each other? You seem a bit of an over-worrier. Don't let your thoughts get ahead of you. I agree with Jibralta about being vigilant about your thought patterns and agree with the other members who have all mentioned better boundaries and explaining clearly that oversharing the past or previous experiences is not necessary. If it places you at risk for anything (stds or health issues), that's a different story. It sounds like both of you are still in the honeymoon stages where it's a free for all and emotions are always running high. It's natural to feel a little jittery and unsure of yourselves if this is the first one or two years of dating.

 

Stop worrying so much about what might come out in an argument. If it has to come out, it comes out. You're too anxious about it. Trust in yourself and don't get wobbly and sad about it. Clear your conscience, be clear with her and enjoy your life together.

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Is sharing this stuff that she shares have an air of being "confessional" or are they done with an air of attempting to titillate. Or do you think she is gearing up to sharing something pretty big? Sharing the littler stuff to test the waters? Something huge like having unprotected sex with someone with HiV, something that is outright illegal/she has a record for? Or do you think she is sharing in hopes that you will share in kind?

 

Honestly. i think moving in together after a long absence is a mistake. I would tell her "while i appreciate you are open about the past, i accept who you are. That means that i don't need you to confess to me anymore about things you did". I would wait to move in to together until you are no longer anxious about your relationship and you decide to make a commitment

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What I'm trying to understand there—should you return, OP—is whether these "stories" of hers are a regular thing or something she's mentioned once or thrice, perhaps in the early days, that you now find yourself turning over in your brain on a 48 hour clock.

 

The difference? I'd say if she is in the habit of regularly peppering conversations with tales of past sexual exploits that she is in ways using you, and your relationship, as a processing factory for all that—albeit one where things don't quite get processed. On the other hand, if a few hiccups from her have created a year-long hurricane in your head—well, then I'd say that life is challenging you to come to terms with your own guilt and shame so that it's not miring you down in the present.

 

The truth, remember, is that one person's "sh*tty period" (yours, hers, mine) is what another person calls a lovely period, or maybe just living. What label we place on it is just editorializing, which can be dangerous, or at least limiting. For instance, if you think you were both once "bad people," but who can be "good people" by being "good together" you're essentially turning a relationship into an experiment rather than thinking of a relationship as a connection that either works or does not work.

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I agree with the two above posters.

 

It makes a huge difference what the context of these confessionals are.

 

I think, based on the OPers previous posts he is a bit of a worrier, so therefore context here is very important. I think we all have that one friend who looks for trouble and then when they find it go into meltdown mode, even though they looked and looked for it.

 

That’s why i mentioned you focusing on your self destructive behaviors OPer.

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Of course I was going to be back!! all this advice is too valuable for me to not at least say thank you.

 

But let me clarify a few things...

 

we have both considered some of our past as sl**ty. When I wrote this last night I was not aware my words were going to be censored like that.

 

We have a really good relationship now. I know my experience is I have been in relationships where I was waiting for the right feelings to come, thinking that was normal, and getting bored during that time. Really crappy behavior on my part followed. In this one, with this girl, I finally know what it is like to love someone. And I do so so much. I am very happy in this.

 

The stories do not come up often at all, maybe 3-4 actual detailed stories over the course of a year. She spent a long time traveling a part of the world known for sexual liberation and hot bodies, so even without the details, I was insecure about that.

 

I have also told her I am fine listening to stories about her exes...not the detailed sexual ones, but stories like what bands have you seen, what happened for her to realize that relationship wasn't right...I am not jealous about these stories at all, and I know they are stories that bought her into my life. It is only the minute details of sexual encounters I want to ignore...I have told her this too, and I think she knows it now. I am fine with general stories, but some of the details I know, I wish I didnt...

 

Maybe it is a damaging thought process, but I want her to fancy me enough and find me so desirable that we can both have a life together where our sl**ty behavior is not so much behind us, but we just do it together...

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I just had a thought...I think I am kinda like Silent Bob in the last few minutes of Chasing Amy. Instead of worrying about the past, start believing that what happened before wasnt what she wanted, and have faith that she found what she did...

 

I really think this girl is amazing, and at my age, I had no idea being in a relationship felt like this... I dont want that to end

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Its really really good. Even to the point where we already have a few experiences of our own that would be on par with what I know has been detailed to me from her past. What we have now I know we likely wouldn't have if it weren't for our mutual histories. I know I need to change my thinking from past to present/future. I just do not know how.

 

Also, we are both healthy and have proven this to one another.

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Its really really good. Even to the point where we already have a few experiences of our own that would be on par with what I know has been detailed to me from her past. What we have now I know we likely wouldn't have if it weren't for our mutual histories. I know I need to change my thinking from past to present/future. I just do not know how.

 

Also, we are both healthy and have proven this to one another.

 

I would just give this more time. Hopefully she knows now not to over share and in time this will fade into the background.

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Its really really good. Even to the point where we already have a few experiences of our own that would be on par with what I know has been detailed to me from her past. What we have now I know we likely wouldn't have if it weren't for our mutual histories. I know I need to change my thinking from past to present/future. I just do not know how.

 

Also, we are both healthy and have proven this to one another.

 

Well that's good!

If she brings up a story again, just tell her you prefer to focus on the fun things you are and will be doing now.

 

And time.

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So it sounds like you’re kind of projecting personal fears onto her. You don’t want your girlfriend, to put it simply, to be the crappy boyfriend you’ve been with other girls.

 

To which I say: welcome to the club! None of us want our partners to suck—not like we’ve sucked, not like past partners have, not really at all. But that’s just the dice roll, and hopefully it’s one you make because, for whatever reason, the person you’re making it with doesn’t trigger too many of these sorts of thoughts. Hopefully you roll that dice once you’ve sorted out some stuff from the past.

 

Getting mentally bent on this once or twice a week for a year based off 3-4 hiccups? I’d say that’s more on you to work out, and through, than something to work on with her, together. Not some massive thing to freak out about, but more like a few thorns to pluck out, patiently, while inhaling and exhaling. Because if you’re wanting to know if you can be both good together and extra spicy—well, that’s easy. It’s the stuff that’s right in front of you, happening or not, not the stuff that’s spinning around in your head.

 

You’re both grownups. You’ve both had sex with people who aren’t each other. Without a single story, I’m sure you could gauge some “experience” after a week with her, as she could you. And how did that feel? Amazing! So I say try to keep that part front and center, and maybe book a few therapy appointments while she’s out of town to help with that small, but critical, adjustment.

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I have been doing some reading on this retro-active jealousy I have been experiencing. what I am going to try doing is becoming aware enough when these thoughts enter my mind and stop what im doing immediately, and re allocate my thoughts into all the positive things this relationship has to offer...Of which there are many.

 

We have been together for a year, and the both of us are in the first relationship where marriage and children is on the list of things we want.

She writes some really nice things to me when we are apart...during the day via text message. They always make me smile

She has opened her friendship circle up to me when in the past she has kept some of her relationships a secret. She wants me to be friends with hers, and she wants to be friends with mine...

these are just a few of the examples...

 

If I can make this a habit over the next few months, I really think I can eradicate some of this unhealthy thinking

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You'll need to rebuild that trust together. It's not a solo project. It takes two. Don't be afraid of that or of falling down and getting up, having a small bicker here and there and establishing your boundaries together. Roll up your sleeves and get down to it. That's the hard work about long term relationships. It's not all unicorns and fluffy clouds and self-soothing. You will run into issues. You will upset each other. Mistakes will be made. It's all part and parcel of the journey you're taking with this person. Embrace it and don't fear it so much. Stay positive but don't ever be blinded to any nonsense. I hope you guys grow together for a long time.

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You'll need to rebuild that trust together. It's not a solo project. It takes two. Don't be afraid of that or of falling down and getting up, having a small bicker here and there and establishing your boundaries together. Roll up your sleeves and get down to it. That's the hard work about long term relationships. It's not all unicorns and fluffy clouds and self-soothing. You will run into issues. You will upset each other. Mistakes will be made. It's all part and parcel of the journey you're taking with this person. Embrace it and don't fear it so much. Stay positive but don't ever be blinded to any nonsense. I hope you guys grow together for a long time.

 

I definitely do trust her. Nothing has happened for us to not do that. My concern is that I cant get images of her and other people doing the things she has told me about out of my head. Thats my insecurity to work on, not hers. I really dont want to tell her I have these thoughts at all. Id much rather just forget her telling me those details.

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OP, she may have had those experiences, but she ultimately chose you. You are worth more to her than random hookups and such. That can be a pretty powerful feeling.

 

This is a really good point. I had never thought about it like that. Thank you. It’s actually a big help!!

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