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Thread: Making peace with sexual history

  1. #31
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'd be wary of going too deep down "retroactive jealousy" wormholes. Phrases like that, especially when culled from the internet, are kind of a fancy way of describing (and rationalizing/validating) something more basic: immaturity, insecurity, potential incompatibility.

    Example: At 17 I showed up to college in NYC and within a month was dating a very fuego young woman. She came from a rich family (I don't), from California (a land of mystery to my ears), and radiated a level of sexual "experience" that was greater than my own. I knew she had "made out"—and more!—with a 30something dude that she met out on the town. All of which intrigued me. And intimidated me, since I was still an emotional tadpole. I became mildly "obsessed" with knowing about her past—like, she'd mention the name of boy from high school and I'd find a way to get some details, imagining said boy as some surfer Ken Doll who was "better" than me.

    Blah blah. Cue dumb feelings in me triggering dumb "talks" between us that played out between fun and fuego times. Diagnosis? Two teenagers being teenagers and engaging in an unsustainable form of romance, a swirl of lust and love that felt mature but was stirred by immaturity. I had not grown up enough, had not grown into myself enough, to do what I was doing with her, much as I wanted to do it. Bummer. But not so complicated.

    Live enough—or spend a bit of time on a forum like this—and you learn how the experiment of connecting romantically doesn't change all that much from age 14 to, say, 34. Which is what makes it all so thrilling. New people, and attraction to new people, stirs feelings. Some are soft. Some are jagged. Mix in richer personal histories and the stew thickens. Just as our palates mature with time—so things like red wine and coffee can be enjoyed instead of spit out—emotional maturity allows us to enjoy the thicker stew, rather than being turned off by it, as well as allowing us to know what flavors work for us: which are too bland, which are too spicy.

    I laugh today, at 40, at the 17 year old I was. I've been just about everywhere a person can be when it comes to romance, and attract, and am attracted to, people with rich pasts. No need for details or inquisitions—that was for the dorm rooms. I know what I'm into, where I've been, have more or less "made peace" with that. Have you, OP? I'm curious when you titled this thread if you were referring to making peace with your own sexual history, or with hers. I think the former is the path toward being less affected by this—be it a hiccup from her, a look from a male friend, and, more generally, a certain lens through which you may view the opposite sex.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Sourmilk
    I definitely do trust her. Nothing has happened for us to not do that. My concern is that I cant get images of her and other people doing the things she has told me about out of my head. Thats my insecurity to work on, not hers. I really dont want to tell her I have these thoughts at all. Id much rather just forget her telling me those details.
    Originally Posted by Sourmilk
    It was about 2 weeks ago, the most recent 2 came up in the same conversation. I was out with her and a few friends of hers a few months back. Both male and female. She mentioned her ‘$lutty past’, And nothing more than that. But I noticed a look between her and her male friend which I’m not sure was. Conscious. I didn’t think anything of it, but he came up in conversation just a few weeks back. I asked if there was anything in that look that I wasn’t aware of, and while her and this don’t have any history (he’s married to her best friend) he may know of some of the stories through her college friend. She then proceeded to tell me some of the stories her friend knows. 2 of them. And they were fairly risqué. And now I often imagine them. All the time.

    Argh!!
    There's a lot of tasteless stuff going on there. Are you sure this is the kind of person you want to date? You seem to be beating yourself up quite a lot for your gf's indiscretions and wagging tongue. It shouldn't be like this when you date someone. I think your choice in women could improve. What I meant in my earlier post about working together is sincerely establishing a solid connection with someone - out of genuine interest for long term commitment. This behaviour above is just gross and rude coming from her and even alarming that you're blaming yourself for it.

    She seems like she enjoys the attention and her growing reputation. While it's possible she's being self-depreciating and a bit thoughtless about it, it does come across as immature and classless. She's not being respectful of you as her partner either.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Sourmilk
    what I am going to try doing is becoming aware enough when these thoughts enter my mind and stop what im doing immediately, and re allocate my thoughts into all the positive things this relationship has to offer...Of which there are many.
    I think that's your best bet.

    You can't always change your feelings, but you can change your behavior. And in time, your feelings will follow.

    I don't know if you're familiar with the wolf parable, but it goes something like this:

    A grandfather is talking with his grandson and he says there are two wolves inside of us which are always at battle.

    One is a good wolf which represents things like kindness, bravery, and love. The other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed, hatred, and fear.

    The grandson asks, “Grandfather, which one wins?”

    The grandfather replies, “The one you feed.”
    Right now, you're ruminating over this stuff and it serves no good purpose. It just fuels the fire of anxiety within you.

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