Reaching out

[Komerebi]

Hey! New to the site and wanted to share a bit about myself and my recent experiences. I’m in my early to mid-30s and really only started dating in the last year. I dove right in, and have been able to maintain a positive attitude giving the guys I’ve dated a lot of grace perhaps out of my own desire for compassion. Honestly, they’ve all treated me less than great and I’ve stayed in “situationships” far too long, taking (excusing??) every phase as a much-needed learning lesson.

After a year of dating, I am actually grateful I have yet to be in a relationship although I still want a relationship. I’m not one of those women with a long list of traits who is holding out for Mr. Right. I’m more interested in developing better communication skills and learning how to navigate relationships (romantic and otherwise) while seeking something that is in alignment with my values and standards. I desire someone who supports my self-growth and development, someone who treats me right, someone who is committed to building a healthy relationship.

Anyways, that’s what brings me to this forum. Because dating is hard and I’m feeling discouraged. I’m hurting and wishing sometimes things played out differently... not necessarily resulting in a relationship, but simply handled with more respect and care. And I’m feeling a bit lonely in all of this... it hasn’t been easy discovering my patterns, pitfalls, and imperfections all while hoping you come across someone who celebrates you for you... when that’s something you’ve never even experienced!! All the while learning to let go... especially when you’re testing out vulnerability, learning to communicate boundaries, and having to constantly reset your practice of self care, self love, self worth, self acceptance... all the “selves”.

Yeah, I could really use some encouragement! Relationships are not easy! And support isn’t always readily available. I know I am on the right track, but this is no cake walk!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this is happening. It can take a while to find someone who is a good fit for you. Strive for someone who is compatible. The only person who should "support my self-growth and development" is you. Try not to place this much of yourself on the shoulders of others. Let them be who they are, not merely an extension of your inner dialogue.

You could join a few clubs and groups and organizations as well as takes some courses/classes for many of the things you are hoping for. Support can come from some of those things. It can't come from dating because you don't really know these people and when you lean in this heavily for that ironically it's harder to proceed and build a relationship.

I’m more interested in developing better communication skills and learning how to navigate relationships. having to constantly reset your practice of self care, self love, self worth, self acceptance... all the “selves”.

[Komerebi]

Thank you for your reply! I am sure context would have helped - I meant I am looking for someone who is supportive of the efforts I make to reach my full potential. I dated a guy where we shared that, which felt awesome. And I recently lost a close friend who seemed to do what she could to undermine my efforts and put me down in public for them. And the guy I’ve been seeing wants to avoid addressing any issues that may be a bit uncomfortable so of course he can’t connect with me on that level... My work continues regardless, but I’d love to be able to share the process and progress with someone I’m close to.

[Wiseman2]

Did you recently experience a breakup? You seem to be trying to replace that.

I dated a guy where we shared that. the guy I’ve been seeing wants to avoid addressing any issues that may be a bit uncomfortable so of course he can’t connect with me on that level.

[Komerebi]

Just expressing the qualities I’m looking for in a partnership. I’m always looking for ways to grow and develop, so having someone who gets that is important to me.

[Wiseman2]

The best way to do this is through broadening your horizons. That means classes courses, online, locally for fun or for learning new things. It means getting out more and volunteering and joining some clubs and groups. You could also try yoga, meditation and therapy. You need to 'get' yourself first.

Dating is not to pull you along. You need to develop yourself. Looking for some sort of guru or mentor or cheerleader as a date will render you single for a very long long time. Try to be a whole person in your own right.

Just expressing the qualities I’m looking for in a partnership. I’m always looking for ways to grow and develop, so having someone who gets that is important to me.

[Komerebi]

I hear you, but I think you’re missing my point. Looking for a date to pull me along vs. a partnership where we both encourage each other are two very different places to be in. I feel as if one thing I said above has been mischaracterized and now we are on a tangent based on sub context that’s misconstrued.

[Batya33]

What is your goal in dating -marriage? family? a long term commitment? are you ok with casual dating that's fun and light but has no real future for whatever reason? I know you use the term "partnership" but it will help me give you input to know in simple terms what that means to you. Or to know that you don't have a particular goal in mind. I dated for 24 years on and off before I found the man who was the right match for marriage and family. For several of those years I was in long term relationships. For very short periods of time I enjoyed more casual dating.

Dating is really hard and for me required a thick skin. The only reason it was worth it to me to be as proactive as I was, to date as much as I did, was because I wanted marriage and the opportunity to have a family. Had I not wanted those things I wouldn't have bothered to the extent I did, not even close.

[Komerebi]

I still feel I am learning the ropes with relationship dynamics and dating, so I hesitate to approach it in the hopes of marriage. Though I do want to get married and have a family. At this stage, I would say long-term commitment. I’m seeking compatibility, looking for a man whose purpose I can align with, and someone who shares my values. All the while, dating openly with some degree of casualness while I figure out what I am looking for. I do have fun, I have cried a lot (processing internally and getting that thick skin!), I have no (well... maybe a few) regrets.

[Batya33]

I still feel I am learning the ropes with relationship dynamics and dating, so I hesitate to approach it in the hopes of marriage. Though I do want to get married and have a family. At this stage, I would say long-term commitment. I’m seeking compatibility, looking for a man whose purpose I can align with, and someone who shares my values. While I do have a serious side, some of the guys I dated (or went on a few dates with) this last year had a more casual dynamic.

One suggestion - you're a good writer and I see you like the more complicated verbiage about relationships - more therapy type vocabulary. Given what your situation is as you described it I'd get a lot simpler and basic. I'd avoid the whole focus on "dynamics" and "align" and that kind of thing and force yourself to be simple about it. Sometimes I find people get in their own way by complicating basic stuff about how people interact and date and get serious sometimes. I'm reading a book about friendship/social skills with my 10 year old - it's a book for kids. And it uses very basic language about how/why people interact, how to make friends (which of course is similar to how to find someone to date!) - and he loves this book because it is so user friendly. He gets it.

When you say compatibility -what three things are the most important to you? The week before my husband and I got married, we met with the marriage officiant (a man in his 70s) for a sort of pre-marital session - not counseling- just a required meeting even though we'd met before. Anyway he says to us "look, I don't want to know if you love each other. I know you do, of course you do. I want to know -what do you like doing together?" We looked at each other and said "we like watching Seinfeld!" And he smiled and said "great."

What does "relationship dynamic" mean to you in real life? What is an example of a "purpose you can align with?" On our very first date in 1995 (no, we didn't end up married at that stage -we broke up, married many years later) my husband said to me- basically the first question -why did I choose the career I was in (which was his career at that time). I told him a story about how I was inspired when I was turning 15 (I was 27 at the time). He told me later he asked this because it was important to him to find a woman who valued her career and was in our intense career for the right reasons.

What do you mean by "casual dynamic?" Again you don't have to tell me at all but get very nitty gritty, basic, your "musts" your "dealbreakers". I knew mine and while I had global references to "values" and standards I had very specific dealbreakers, very specific musts. I knew that someone who smoked pot was a dealbreaker, or smoked cigarettes, I knew that someone who thought of a college degree as just a piece of paper was a dealbreaker and I knew that someone who wanted someone good at sports wouldn't want me.

I'll add this. I'm 53. I relocated from a major city like yours 10 years ago. So I've been redoubling my efforts to make new friends. Which is like dating. And one thing I noticed- it makes me refocus on what I want to have in common, what attracts me in a friend. Before, I just sort of "knew" because if you already have friends it's not really something you think about. I had an aha moment where I realized a pattern of what I like/what I have in common with people and it was a bit surprising . And very specific.

Just my two cents from someone who was on the dating boot camp front lines for decades.