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Thread: Reaching out

  1. #21
    Member Komerebi's Avatar
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    Thanks, reinventmyself! I am a toddler - I see it! My friends were surprised to learn I'd never been in a relationship, I seemed too "evolved" and yet there is this part of me that is lovingly niave and fumbling her way about as if still learning to walk. I'm cool with it.

    I do feel I am right where I need to be. And I feel that's why the guy I mentioned above and I stayed in this for so long. In so many ways, he was also a toddler and I think that gave us a degree of freedom and comfort with one another. I'm ready to graduate to the next level though and I do hope I find it...

  2. #22
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Komerebi
    Thanks, reinventmyself! I am a toddler - I see it! My friends were surprised to learn I'd never been in a relationship, I seemed too "evolved" and yet there is this part of me that is lovingly niave and fumbling her way about as if still learning to walk. I'm cool with it.

    I do feel I am right where I need to be. And I feel that's why the guy I mentioned above and I stayed in this for so long. In so many ways, he was also a toddler and I think that gave us a degree of freedom and comfort with one another. I'm ready to graduate to the next level though and I do hope I find it...
    well said. . .
    I hope you keep us posted.

    I seemed too "evolved" and yet there is this part of me that is lovingly niave


    It's like you are toddler with the maturity and insights of a very wise adult. That has to be quite a balancing act.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I’m hurting and wishing sometimes things played out differently... not necessarily resulting in a relationship, but simply handled with more respect and care.
    You can't get this unless you're willing to start screening OUT people who are incapable of giving it to you.

    Start by making a clear decision about WHY you are dating. If you are relationship material, then acknowledge that, put it in your profile, and make it your first discussion with everyone you meet. Whenever someone is not equally as clear that they're dating to find a relationship also, tell them that you enjoyed meeting them, but you are clear in your own mind about what you want, and he's welcome to contact you if he ever decides that he's seeking the same thing.

    Use dating apps to set up quick meets over coffee on your way home from work. If someone stands you up, take you coffee with you, nothing is lost, and move on to meet the next person the next night. Spend 15 to 30 minutes checking one another out with an agreement that neither of you will corner the other on the spot for a real date, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, but if the answer is no, then no response is necessary.

    This takes squirmy rejection stuff off the table.

    Most people are NOT our match. That's natural odds, and it's a good thing, because the goal is to weed out bad matches until you strike simpatico with a good match. That's a needle in the haystack pursuit. If you can grasp that instead of pinning your hopes on trying to convert lousy matches into a good one, you'll stop wasting your time and feeling lousy about mistreatment.

    Skip the casual and the FWB nonsense--that's messy kids stuff, and as you've noticed, it won't get you what you want. Hold out for what you actually want, and don't deviate into adopting people as projects. That's not compassionate, it's manipulative, and it will continue to discourage you because you're barking up the wrong trees.

    Head high, take breaks when you need them, and recognize that every time you pass on the wrong person, you move yourself one step closer to finding the RIGHT person for you.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Did you date when you were back home 2 years ago? Has the difficulty only been since your recent move? Are you dating people who are too different from your culture, religion, age, educational or socioeconomic background? It seems you are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole and wish to be understood in a the way a parent or therapist would.

    Perhaps you need to stick to people with more similar backgrounds so you feel more understood as far as your repeatedly mentioning "your values". . Also at 30 most men have dated quite a bit, so the naivety may be too difficult for them to deal with. If virginity is important to you before marriage, it's another reason to date within your own culture. The thing is, you are in fact 30 not 3 and men see this.
    Originally Posted by Komerebi
    I am a toddler. My friends were surprised to learn I'd never been in a relationship.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Member Komerebi's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    You can't get this unless you're willing to start screening OUT people who are incapable of giving it to you.

    Use dating apps to set up quick meets over coffee on your way home from work. If someone stands you up, take you coffee with you, nothing is lost, and move on to meet the next person the next night. Spend 15 to 30 minutes checking one another out with an agreement that neither of you will corner the other on the spot for a real date, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, but if the answer is no, then no response is necessary.
    This is a great tactic! I do like the first date to be drinks (coffee, wine, whatever - recently met someone over juice), nothing serious and meant to be drawn out. Did you use this in dating? Do you know of anyone it worked for?

    That first line is so true... you meet people where they are and I was barking up the wrong tree with the guy I was seeing last. I don't want to admit it was a waste of time... we had fun, we enjoyed each others company, but now I'm just done with it and ready to shake things up in meeting a ton of new people with clearer intentions on my part.

    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Head high, take breaks when you need them, and recognize that every time you pass on the wrong person, you move yourself one step closer to finding the RIGHT person for you.
    Thank you for the encouragement! This is a great mantra.

  7. #26
    Member Komerebi's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Did you date when you were back home 2 years ago? Has the difficulty only been since your recent move? Are you dating people who are too different from your culture, religion, age, educational or socioeconomic background? It seems you are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole and wish to be understood in a the way a parent or therapist would.

    Perhaps you need to stick to people with more similar backgrounds so you feel more understood as far as your repeatedly mentioning "your values". . Also at 30 most men have dated quite a bit, so the naivety may be too difficult for them to deal with. If virginity is important to you before marriage, it's another reason to date within your own culture. The thing is, you are in fact 30 not 3 and men see this.
    So I only mentioned values once.... just saying.

    The guys I've dated have been cool with my relationship history... or lack thereof. I found if I am confident about it, they were accepting of it. It has taken a lot of courage on my part to just dive in and own it. Sure, it makes navigating the dating scene a bit more challenging and I feel this last year has been one intense masterclass, but I'm leveling up as I go. It hasn't been a problem to the guy sitting across from me because I don't make it one - and if a guy did have an issue with it, he's just not my guy.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Komerebi
    This is a great tactic! I do like the first date to be drinks (coffee, wine, whatever - recently met someone over juice), nothing serious and meant to be drawn out. Did you use this in dating? Do you know of anyone it worked for?

    That first line is so true... you meet people where they are and I was barking up the wrong tree with the guy I was seeing last. I don't want to admit it was a waste of time... we had fun, we enjoyed each others company, but now I'm just done with it and ready to shake things up in meeting a ton of new people with clearer intentions on my part.



    Thank you for the encouragement! This is a great mantra.
    I went on around 100 first meets and some of them were very short -45 minutes or less.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Komerebi
    So I only mentioned values once.... just saying.

    The guys I've dated have been cool with my relationship history... or lack thereof. I found if I am confident about it, they were accepting of it. It has taken a lot of courage on my part to just dive in and own it. Sure, it makes navigating the dating scene a bit more challenging and I feel this last year has been one intense masterclass, but I'm leveling up as I go. It hasn't been a problem to the guy sitting across from me because I don't make it one - and if a guy did have an issue with it, he's just not my guy.
    Good attitude. I'd stop with the self-depreciation (that you're naive or toddler-like). It's all very nice and humble but very unbecoming and it just sounds sarcastic after awhile. It's not what your dates want to hear from you if you're looking to date your equal and not a man looking to support you or help guide you in some way, or worse some weirdo with an infantalism streak/fetish. You're 30. Own it and all the other experiences you have. Don't undermine yourself so easily or deceive yourself into thinking you're less-than of any sort, mentally, emotionally, metaphorically or whatever.

    Good on you too for getting out there and dating. Don't hold yourself back.

  10. #29
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    You know Rose makes a good point. When I was 31 I dated a man for 7 years on and off who told me early on he'd only had one girlfriend before me in his late 20s other than dating a woman in high school or college but not for that long. He felt badly about his relationship "history" - and it gave me a bit of pause but since he'd recently had a long term relationship I was more than fine with it and I could not tell at all that he hadn't had a lot of experience -he had close friends, close family, people liked him, he had great values and character etc. I think one reason for his history was because he was short and he was not conventionally handsome. (to be blunt). He's now been married for 10 years just like me.

  11. #30
    Silver Member Rising100's Avatar
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    So whats really going on here, why do you say you dont have a history of dating?
    Why havent you in the past?

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