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Thread: 5 year relationship

  1. #1

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    5 year relationship

    So I dated this girl back in high school and were together for 5 years till we broke up and the worst part is around that time my dad passed away. Our relationship wasnt going well the last few years and days but believe or or not she broke up with me on my dad's funeral the same night because of a fight and our relationship was just bad in general. Till this day I will never forgive her for that because I needed her the most and she decided to be selfish and leave me. Well anyways time went by and I met this other girl who I had class wit back in high school and to make things short we ended up sleeping wit each other she had feelings for me and I did too at first but deep down inside I stil had my ex in the back of my mind so things went south and we stop talking to each other. Months went by and eventually i decided to text my ex girlfriend since we didnt speak to each other for 3 months or more and she responded and it really surprised me because I thought she would of kept ignoring me. So we talked the whole day and the next day she asked this one question that i had to think about which was if I was messing with anyone else during the time we weren't together. So yea I did lie to her and said that I only kissed her and made out with her because I know it would only devastate her if she knew what I really did and so I didnt wana hurt her. Her question was answered and of course I asked her in return if she did anything and just like that she said she slept withsomeone else.... my heart dropped I felt so sick, hurt and damaged like I couldn't believe she did this or even tell me. So my reaction to her was okey whatver u kno and she said that she was sorry for it and I tried to forget bout it but I just kept thinking bout it over and over again. We did hang out for a few months and it slowly got worse again I kept bring it up we kept fighting and of course again she left me but after a week later of feeling sad and thinking bout what she did I decided to tell her "I didnt wana hurt you but I did sleep with a girl before we started talking again". She didnt respond but i know she saw it because she blocked me after that. I felt so bad about it but I couldn't hold it anymore and just the things she did to me I decided to tell her since she damaged me. Now I'm just thinking bout it if it was a good idea that I told her. I stil think bout her every day and we havent talked in a month now but I don't think well ever go back to each other after this. Was it wrong what I said or should I just kept it quiet and moved on?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Well the truth is usually the best path and she might have found out anyway....

    Secondly, if you two were broken up (which it sounds like you were) then what business is it of yours or hers who does what with who?

    You say Ďback in high schoolí but it sounds like youíre still IN high school...Is that correct?

    Carus*

    PS: Breaking up with you on the day of your fathers funeral is pretty rough. Sorry for your loss*

  3. #3
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    It was hypocritical of you to get bent out of shape about her sleeping with someone else when you did the same thing. The fact that you lied about it is what got you here now, especially given that you were so upset with her and picking fights over it.

    This is why it's none of an ex's business what you do in your time apart. It was a pointless conversation to have, but you've learned that the hard way. It sounds a lot more like you told her to hurt her for leaving you again rather than to be transparent. I see significant hostility from you towards her so I really question your motive in coming clean when you did.

    Anyway, it's over. Live and learn. I doubt she will ever want to reconcile now.

  4. #4

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    I lied to her about it because I know how she is I know she wouldn't talk to me again and yet she told me straight up bout it when she could of just lied and we probably would of been okey who knows. She said if I was to know that you slept with someone else I wouldn't even be talking to you right now but yet she told me she slept with someone, so to me it sounded like she can have sex with someone but I cant. I appreciated her being honest but there's some stuff you shouldn't say and she did which messed me up

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  6. #5

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    That's what I'm saying it wasnt our business to know but she asked and so I wanted to know too. And no I'm not in hs i graduated 2014

  7. #6
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    It was an immature question for her to ask.

    As you have discovered - there is no good way to answer the question. If you tell the truth like she did, feelings will be hurt (even if no one is ę wrong Ľ to be with someone else and it doesnít mean anything) and it can implode the relationship. If you lie and you are ever caught in the lie, it can implode the relationship.

    With maturity comes wisdom. Most people learn to simply not ask or answer the question. Itís irrelevant. Btw - for future reference to save you similar grief - ę how many people have you slept with Ľ is another such question. People obsess on the number (itís too high, itís too low, etc). Ask about STDs. Ask about attitudes towards sex and casual relationships. Donít ask for a number.

    I also think she was highly immature to break up with you in your time of grief. Children do that. They react and need to have their needs met in the moment.

    With maturity you learn not to ask questions you donít really want the answer to - and that sometimes you need to put your own needs on ice and put other things first.

    Now for you... it was also immature of you to disclose the lie in the way that you did (after you broke up when itís irrelevant). And it sounds like you told her to hurt her, rather than to clear your conscience. You used it like a weapon. There is nothing healthy about this.
    ... and frankly, itís kind of outrageous that you gave her SUCH a hard time about it all, when you were ďguiltyĒ of the same thing.

    Honestly, I think itís over. I think you both need to move on and mature and grow. This relationship is not healthy for either of you.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The best thing to do is leave the past in the past. You never forgave this exgf from long ago so why revisit this? Isn't it silly to ask this much later if you dated anyone else and even sillier to expect that you both never did?

    Move forward, not backward. Delete and block both this high school old flames from all your messaging apps and social media. Rather than back-tracking through the black-book strive to meet new girls. Join some groups and clubs and takes some classes and courses to start getting out of your head and out of your house. Start talking to girls. Volunteer. Get on dating apps.

    If you have trouble getting over things and hold grudges like this, therapy could help you sort out why and help you transition to living in the present and letting go of all these resentments and unrealistic expectations. Ask your parents to take you to a doctor or therapist if you continue to have all these issues with living in your head and living in the past and all this built up anger.
    Originally Posted by Ogzerbz
    I asked her in return if she did anything and just like that she said she slept with someone else.... my heart dropped

  9. #8
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Some good advice above. You should not have lied, but you did, and hopefully you learned from that. When two people have broken up it's neither's business to ask who slept with someone else. It's over. Dont ask that question again to anyone. Also, it's been 5 years you say, long past time to get over this.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Good for you that you came clean in the end. Next time don't lie because it makes the situation more confusing for someone else and there's lost trust there. You seem a bit slippery, OP. Cut out all that weird shimmying here and there and be more confident in yourself. It's always awkward knowing your ex has been with someone else and even more awkward reporting to an ex whom you've recently slept with (this is unnecessary and immature). If you're faced with questions like this in future, be more wary and acknowledge inappropriate questions for what they are. Don't volunteer that info to inappropriate parties like an ex of all people.

    You had no obligations to each other so stop beating yourself up about it. Shrug this off and move on. You're not a bad person. I think you're just growing and learning. You did tell the truth. Don't speak to your ex again.

  11. #10
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    Why would you have anything to do with someone who dumped you on the eve of your father's funeral? I don't get it! Plus, you said much if the relationship was bad.

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