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Thread: What do I do? Is there no hope?

  1. #1

    What do I do? Is there no hope?

    I decided to go no contact with my ex to ease myself, try to get my emotions under control, and to hopefully get him to miss me. However, my friend messed it up and told him that I was doing no contact to make him worry and to make him want to date me again. Heís very unhappy with me and hurt. He says he feels lied to. Heís hurt that I ignored him and made him worried sick just for that. Is there no way to do no contact again without him thinking Iím trying to make him miss me again? Is there no way to do no contact without hurting his feelings and making things worse? Did my friend ruin everything for good?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Nothing is ruined, nothing is worse than it was, since the hardest variable here remains the same: he is your ex. He is your ex because you broke up. You broke up because, together, you stopped working. Sad stuff, but the stuff you've got to face and come to terms with.

    Breakups just suck, and in the wake of them everyone on the planet flails a bit, so cut yourself some slack. That said, I think this is a good lesson that "no contact" is not a manipulation tool or renconcialion tactic. Turn it into that, think of it like that, and nothing good happens, because you're essentially freezing yourself in the sharpest stage of mourning.

    So think of it for what you genuinely need right nowósome time to heal and get those emotions under controlóand you're golden. No need to make any announcement along those lines, but instead just walk the walk, for real this time. You will be thanking yourself sooner than you know.

    Sorry for the pain. Hang in there.

  3. #3
    Gold Member ChellyV's Avatar
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    The focus now is you, not what he will think or feel. Don't do NC for revenge, do it to heal. Sometimes the space does help, but that has to be your goal more than worrying about his state of mind.

    On the other hand, you don't have to do NC if you are not ready for it. Everyone is free to date whoever they want, and that includes you. That is the way it is. Just talk to him and inquire, be prepared for the answer and either work it out or move on.

  4. #4
    I want to do NC with him again for healing at this point. I donít want to get myself hurt again by waiting for him to date me again. I want him in my life though. We are friends and have this connection. However, I want him to understand that Iím not doing this to hurt him, worry him, or to make him date me again. How do I get him to understand that?

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  6. #5
    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    The whole point of NC is the reality check. It slams home the finality of it all, and gives you the critical peace needed to truly move on. You can't be concerned by what your ex thinks of the halting communication because if you are, you're not doing it for the right reasons. See, the fact that he's not on board with your NC is just proof that he needs it as well. Even if he hates it, fights it it tooth and nail, it's still the correct medicine for him and the reality he needs to face.

    You two cannot remain friends during the healing process. How can you be friends while you stop all (ALL) communication? It's not possible. You don't want to move on, you want him to miss you. That's really what you want the most, right? Going NC for this reason will only drag things out. Be merciful if not for yourself, then for him.

    Regardless of which of you forces it, this is necessary for both of you. Cut all contact and focus on yourself. The sooner you do this and truly adhere to it, the sooner both of you can be happy again.

    Sidenote: Tell your friend to mind her business. What the hell is she getting involved for?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Marissa D
    I want him in my life though. We are friends and have this connection....
    ....said just about everyone whose been through or going through a breakup*

    To heal or to be Ďtrueí friends or in fact, both, takes time. This is still pretty raw for you.

    I was going to say that NC is for you to get out of the fire and heal. Not to Ďget him backí....but I see the others have already stated that.

    Like theyíve said, I would just continue on. Donít go pouring more fuel on the fire and burning yourself. If he misses you enough he knows where to find you....and how can he miss you enough if youíre always there?

    I think Iíll put a video up today on Weaning Off....*

    Carus*

  8. #7
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    OP, I know it hurts, but you won't be able to friends for a long time. Not until you are far further along in your healing, to the point where you would feel relatively indifferent about him dating another woman.

    No Contact is for you. Not to make him miss you. Might it have that effect anyway? Perhaps. There is no guarantee, though.

    Why did he break up with you?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why did you break up? How long did you date and how long ago did you break up. What ruined it was believing "doing no contact" was a gimmick to get your ex back. If you are playing games, most people will see through that.

    If you want to end things delete and block him from all messaging apps and social media. If you want to reconcile, do it in a mature way by reaching out and asking if you can talk over a cup of coffee.
    Originally Posted by Marissa D
    I decided to go no contact with my ex to hopefully get him to miss me. Is there no way to do no contact again without him thinking Iím trying to make him miss me again?

  10. #9
    We broke up because he just started developing feels for someone else, and thought the grass was greener. We dated for about 8 months, but were in love with eachother a long, LONG time before we even officially dated.

    It did ruin it. Itís not that he saw through it. Itís that my friend told him I was purposely ignoring him to make him miss me. She told him everything.

    I apologized, but he doesnít fully forgive me because he feels hurt and lied to. He thought I killed my self when I was ignoring him. He was worried SICK. Now, I donít know where we stand. We still sometimes talk... but it doesnít feel the same.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why would he think something this dramatic? You need better friends to confide in and better communication than playing games.
    Originally Posted by Marissa D
    Itís that my friend told him I was purposely ignoring him to make him miss me. She told him everything.

    He thought I killed my self when I was ignoring him.

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