How to get my ex back a second time

My ex gf and I had dated for almost 3 years. We broke up for 2.5 weeks about a year ago because she had lost my trust (not cheating) and I was too angry but wasn’t doing anything but being angry so she broke up with me. We got back together and immediately feel back into the same habits.

Over the past year that anger subsided but I realized I was still holding onto resentment so I shut myself out from her and took her for granted and was unwilling to offer the level of commitment she wanted. She broke up with me 3 months ago because of this. She thought I didn’t care and wasn’t serious about the relationship and that I hated her. Since the break up I realized there was a lot more going on outside the relationship that I wasn’t processing.

For the first two months we texted about once a week but I initiated all of them except one which she initiated. I decided to stop contacting her and after 3 weeks of NC I called her to talk and let her know what I have been up to including therapy and meditation and other things to work on myself. She said she was glad I called to tell her and that it would have been sad for me to do these things and her not know. But when I said we should talk again sometime she said no because we can’t talk without wanting anything more.

I want to give her her space but also I feel like this would just confirm her belief that I don’t care about the relationship. I want to prove to her that I am serious about her. I don’t know what to do. Has anyone else been in a situation like this and make it work with their ex?

She doesn't want to be with you so there is no making anything "work". You're lying to yourself. What you can do is be respectful of what she's saying and not force yourself into the situation anymore. It's none of her business what you're doing for yourself - therapy etc. That's for you only. The relationship is over. It's better that you keep focusing on your wellbeing and health and involve her less in your ongoings.

But she loved me so much and while we were breaking up she was crying so much saying how she still loves me and is going to miss me like crazy and how I showed her what she wants in a guy. Throughout all the fighting we still loved each other a lot and there were things I needed to work through to fully be ready to be in a relationship

But she loved me so much and while we were breaking up she was crying so much saying how she still loves me and is going to miss me like crazy and how I showed her what she wants in a guy. Throughout all the fighting we still loved each other so much

You can love someone but realize a relationship with that person won't work. Does that make any sense? You broke up, you got her back, but you shut her out when you did. Please give her space as in not contacting her at all. And keep doing that. Let her go.

I understand that but before all the fighting, we were incredibly happy and compatible and it was so easy to get along. She said towards the end that we'll always be compatible and love each other. So if the problems were resolvable and I work to fix my issues, why can't it work?

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately she speaks some truth from the way you treated her. Leave her alone. She clearly was not the right one for you.

Do not attempt a repeated on/off, love/hate thing. If you have chronic anger, resentment, etc. try therapy to sort some of that out.

I was still holding onto resentment so I shut myself out from her and took her for granted and was unwilling to offer the level of commitment she wanted. She broke up with me 3 months ago because of this. She thought I didn’t care and wasn’t serious about the relationship and that I hated her.

So if the problems were resolvable and I work to fix my issues, why can't it work?

She doesn't trust that you will sustain the changes within the relationship, which has so far proven to be correct. You didn't trust her and took her for granted out of spite and anger instead of working through your emotions in an adult way and communicating appropriately.

To call her and tell her you are doing all of this work on yourself now that you have broken up is like salt in the wound.

Whatever her side is in all of this, you need to focus on you... keep doing this work on yourself as it will only benefit you in the long run and enable you to be in a strong, loving and stable relationship in the future... I would consider this one done though.

Sorry to hear about all this.

That said, it is time to do the thing you've struggled to do: listen to her. She is a person—an "I," not part of your "we"—and the person she is today is a person that does not want to be with you. Anything save for listening to that, and learning to accept it, is an act of selfishness and disrespect. It's you putting your "I" at a greater value than hers, in order to make your idea of "we" a reality—a reality that she does not want to inhabit.

Humility is your best friend right now, ego your enemy. Meditation and therapy can be wonderful avenues toward humility, but if we do them hoping for a reward? That is turning them into avenues for the ego. No, no, says Buddha.

You think, right now, that you have undergone a metamorphosis because over the past 60 days or so you've sat still and quiet for a few minutes, and sat across from a therapist for 6 or so hours. Nope. That is the beginning of the metamorphosis, like turning on the car's ignition before the road trip. And this is a trip for you, and you only.

Good news? The destination of that trip is you inside a healthy, loving relationship that does not require breakups to trigger epiphanies. Is that with her, in a future life? Maybe. Is it with someone else? Probably. When you reach the point that either of those outcomes hold the same weight in your mind, you'll be about halfway through the trip.

What happened that triggered the first break-up, OP?

Some more context here would be helpful in framing her current mindset.

What happened that triggered the first break-up, OP?

 

Some more context here would be helpful in framing her current mindset.

She had hooked up with another guy while we were exclusive but not official and then told me part of the story originally but then actively lied to me about it for over a year. She was very sorry and regretted it all. I was angry about this and couldn't let go of my anger. I eventually realized its not important enough to me to break up over but I held onto resentment. Thats why we broke up the first time. We broke up this time because the resentment stayed but I had just replaced the anger with distancing myself despite her many attempts to fix things.

One of the things I am working on is becoming a more forgiving person. I have never been able to forgive easily both inside and outside the relationship. I also realized there was a lot of other things outside of the relationship that I wasnt addressing so I didnt understand my emotions and just blamed it all on that.

You've already asked to talk more, OP. She said no.

I'm not sure you can do anything more.

She had hooked up with another guy while we were exclusive but not official and then told me part of the story originally but then actively lied to me about it for over a year. She was very sorry and regretted it all. I was angry about this and couldn't let go of my anger. I eventually realized its not important enough to me to break up over but I held onto resentment. Thats why we broke up the first time. We broke up this time because the resentment stayed but I had just replaced the anger with distancing myself despite her many attempts to fix things.

 

One of the things I am working on is becoming a more forgiving person. I have never been able to forgive easily both inside and outside the relationship. I also realized there was a lot of other things outside of the relationship that I wasnt addressing so I didnt understand my emotions and just blamed it all on that.

I think you'd be wise to approach this all from a different angle.

Though I don't quite know what "exclusive but not official" means, that would be a tough thing for a lot of people to deal with: someone saying they're only with you, then being with someone else. Easy enough to forgive—humans are humans, and so on—but forgiveness doesn't mean proceeding. Sometimes it's the very opposite: it means accepting that you can't proceed and be the kind, open person you need to be.

I think you proceeded into something without being comfortable, so that tension was baked into your foundation and remains part of your connection. Think of it like you're building a home, but there's a bubble in the concrete when you lay the foundation. You know it's there, think it's fine, or at least manageable: something that will be fine in time. But every time you walk across one section of the house you feel a dip in the floor. Annoying. Years pass, more foot traffic, and the dip is a bit worse. Really annoying. You try this, you try that, but a foundation is a foundation, and that one is broken. Makes for a house that never quite feels like a home.

Point being, this just isn't something you can "work on" and "fix" together. It's too deep, cemented by history. You've tried. And tried and tried. Yet the resentment (the bubble) isn't going anywhere. Sure, you can look back at some of your behavior and wish you were softer, less angry—and exploring those reactions, and tempering them, is great. But it's also worth looking back and seeing that you need a different kind of foundation.

You can't rewrite history. So one of the people you need to work on forgiving is yourself: for wading into something that wasn't quite in your wheelhouse for building a solid foundation, and for taking that out on her periodically.

All that will serve you well with future connections, something I know you can't even contemplate right now while you're hyper-focused on her. Still, I think a lot of that focus is ego-driven, a way of "winning" what you've "lost," and thus not having to do the real heavy lifting of forgiveness: of her, of you. Besides, she is not even open to reconciliation right now. She wants space. She wants quiet. Finding ways to subvert that is really just planting the seeds for more resentment, you know?

It's hard, I know. Been in these shoes plenty, as have most. Focus on some of these big ideas—cultivating forgiveness, accepting what you can't control—and you will find the reward within that, right now, you think only she can provide.

She had hooked up with another guy while we were exclusive but not official and then told me part of the story originally but then actively lied to me about it for over a year. She was very sorry and regretted it all. I was angry about this and couldn't let go of my anger. I eventually realized its not important enough to me to break up over but I held onto resentment. Thats why we broke up the first time. We broke up this time because the resentment stayed but I had just replaced the anger with distancing myself despite her many attempts to fix things.

 

One of the things I am working on is becoming a more forgiving person. I have never been able to forgive easily both inside and outside the relationship. I also realized there was a lot of other things outside of the relationship that I wasnt addressing so I didnt understand my emotions and just blamed it all on that.

I don't think you are alone in not been able to forgive a b/g/friend hooking up ....you split up over it once and you should have just walked away then . Once you lost the relationship this became a secondry issue , but once you had her back it wasn't , it reared its ugly head again ...because you can't forgive it , and that's ok ...how many times can you go round and round like this ...you lose her and all is forgiven , you get her back and realise those feelings of resentment are still there ....

Working on yourself to be more forgiving and meditating is wonderful for the soul regardless , but don't try and become someone you are not ... hooking up with someone else kills many a relationship and very few can just forget it and let it go .