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Thread: 6.5 years together, need advice!

  1. #1

    6.5 years together, need advice!

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6.5 years, we started dating when I was 17 (he was 18). I had gone on dates before but he was my first kiss, my first real relationship, my first EVERYTHING and he is still my first and only person Iíve been with (he has quite a colorful past though). I love him with all my heart, but I find myself in a black hole of sadness recently. I want to get married (we are 23 & 24), but he has told me in the past that he doesnít believe in marriage. His exact words: ďMarriage is a bet that youíll love someone for the rest of your life and WHEN you donít, you lose half your Ē. His parents and grandparents have gone through bad divorces and I know that they have reached their bitterness out to him. His mom told him flat out that he would be stupid to ever get married right in front of me. I also want at least one child someday and he said he canít handle the poop and snot so we can adopt a 17.5 year old if I want. He is very closeminded and stubborn, and I do love him for it, but I have tried in vain to let go of what I want out of life and Iím afraid that one day Iíll resent him for it.

    I donít think I could bring myself to leave him. Our future has been on my mind more this past year and I find myself crying in our bedroom alone at night more and more. We bought a house together and have an amazing pup. We call each other mommy and daddy when referencing our ďchildĒ puppy, but thatís not enough for me. He found me crying a couple times and I broke down and poured every bit of my soul out to him. I told him what I expected out of life and asked him to please open up to me for once and tear down his non-emotional wall that he has built up. He said that he does want to marry me someday (skipped right over the kids discussion, again) but I donít know if he just said what would make me happy out of pressure. I want him to truly WANT to marry me. I want him to care about this and me as much as I care about him.

    Almost a year ago now, he actually broke up with me (thanksgiving night, classy). He was in a dark mood for about a week before, obsessively drinking and moody. I asked him what was wrong and he broke up with me because he said he wanted to be with other girls. Absolutely ripped my heart out. I moved back in with my parents and I tried to get on dating websites (because deep down Iím terrified of being alone) but every guy, no matter how cute, I found flaws with because they werenít him. He called me about a week later bawling his eyes out (very rare for him) and begged for me to come home. Of course I did and he has never held me so tight in my life. He is honestly the weirdest person that Iíve ever dealt with emotionally, I donít know how to get through to him to show more love and emotion to me!

    Iím sorry this is so long and choppy, Itís hard to fit 6.5 years in a short-ish post and he refuses to see a therapist because itís ďstupidĒ. At this point, I just want to see what any advise givers might think about our relationship. Please be gentle...

  2. #2
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    I think the problem here is that neither of you have really been with other people and experienced the normal things that teenagers and young people do. Like partying, dating around, hookups, flirting and so on. I see many posts like this here where people got together very young and felt like they had to break up in order to be able to experience everything and just have fun.

    I think that you and your boyfriend are on completely different pages and I'm sorry to say but it doesn't seem like this relationship will work. You want kids and marriage and your boyfriend is not into it and in fact he wants to end it and go "Wow his wild oats". Your needs, wants and values are very different and that's what makes a relationship break down.

    I also want to add that if your boyfriend doesn't want kids or marriage, that is actually his choice. Some people don't want that and it is their right not to want it. I wouldn't say he's a bad person or close minded because of that. It's just how his values are and yours are also just the way they are. For a relationship to go the distance your values need to be the same and they're not.

    So I would say it's for the best that your boyfriend ended it because he's not actually "the one". The right person for you would want those things with you and would see a future with you. You haven't found "the one" yet, so now it's time to get back out there and look for him.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. He sounds unusually negative and selfish and dismissive. Never let someone with such an abyssal outlook on life brainwash you into all this negativity. While it may be a bit soon to marry t right now, never give up on your principles.

    You need to get rid of this guy. He is toxic. Stop being a doormat out of fear of being alone or losing this guy. Be yourself and live your own life. Playing house and getting a dog is fine for now but if you are hoping he'll change it's less likely.
    Originally Posted by JaneDoe26
    I want to get married (we are 23 & 24), I also want at least one child someday and he said he canít handle the poop and snot so we can adopt a 17.5 year old if I want. He is very closeminded and stubborn, and I do love him for it, but I have tried in vain to let go of what I want out of life.

    I find myself crying in our bedroom alone at night more and more. We bought a house together and have an amazing pup. We call each other mommy and daddy when referencing our ďchildĒ puppy


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