Screwed up relationship

A little about me, male 57, her 53.

Well, after 2 months, my girlfriend just broke down and broke up with me. She is divorced from husband # 2 and the marriage was very abusive, her first one was for 30 years and she left him. And she has major depression, this woman had a really, really messed up life; she told me that she was adopted and raised by the adopted parents parents. Her second divorced was in July 2019. We met mid August. I had no idea she had only been divorced for a short time.

Well, the “relationship” started out really fast. We went on 2 dates, then on the 3rd, I went home with her. For a few weeks I spent a lot of time at her place.

During the weeks I spent with her, we talked and learned more about each other’s past and the “I love you” came about. I mentioned to her the only woman I ever beat on was my ex-wife whom I physically walked in on the wife screwing a friend of mine in our bedroom. This was in 2001. I still to this day regret doing that very much ( I have NEVER, EVER touched another woman). And I told my now ‘ex’ GF that my dog once bit me and drew blood, so I smacked the dog on the snout.

Then on Friday 9/13, she had a major meltdown. I had looked at her ex-husband’s Facebook page and I told her. That evening, we had plans and but I texted her before I left work if we are still on for the night.

I get to the girlfriends place and I walked in. I walked in to her bedroom and she stormed out of the bathroom with an intense angry look on her face. She says to me that I had no right to “spy” on her and that I was no different than her ex-husband. Then she accused me of being a “wife beater”, “animal abuser” and that I have body odor and horrible breath. And she also said that she hates when “men” forget things like plans etc.

The conversation lasted about 10 minutes. She said we were done, so I left.

I went to my local watering hole to drink beer. She started calling me and I wouldn’t answer it. She texted me a few times and I still wouldn’t reply. She finally sends me a text and simply said “I apologize, please come home”. I texted her back saying “No”. She replied back pleading with me. So, I agreed. I went back. I got back to her place and she is crying her eyes out apologizing profusely. We sit and talk and I held her saying it was “OK”. So the following week 9/15 – 9/21 we were “all good”.

Monday 9/23 rolls around and I call her. She informs me that her landlord doesn’t allow “guests” at her apartment and that she is going to go out of town to see her brother on Tuesday. After work on Monday, I stopped by and she seemed cold and distant. I shrugged it off and went on my way to meet some buddies of mine. She leaves to go out of town for the rest of the week. I had sent her a “I miss you” text that Tuesday night. I did not hear back from her. So, on Thursday, I sent another text just saying hey again and asked in a nice way why she didn’t reply back. I wasn’t trying to be controlling or anything but I just thought since it the “relationship” was “new” she would.

Well she sends me a long text saying that I just wasn’t right for her and that she wasn’t ready for a relationship and all that. I said, OK. Well, she comes back Saturday 9/28 and calls me. I ignored her call. She texts me asking me if wanted to come over. At first I said No. She replies back saying “Please, I miss you” So I do. We talk things out and I thought everything was hunky dori.

I didn’t see her all weekend of 9/28 & 9/29. On Monday 9/30, I met some buddies at a local watering hole for beer and chicken wings. She called me later that evening saying “Call me if you want to”. So later, I did. We talked for an hour and I told her how I felt and I did repeat things a few times. We giggled about some light talk. She asked me if I wanted to come over for dinner on Tuesday 10/1. I said yes. So, on Tuesday morning while I was driving in to work, I called her and talked to her for a few minutes, I asked her if we were ok, she said “yes” and “I miss you”. Well during the course of a busy workday, I managed to forget about the dinner. She texted me at 4pm asking if I was coming over. I said “Yes, of course”.

Well after dinner, we are sitting on the couch talking and she asked me “Did you forget again about coming over?” – I said yea, kind of, I was really busy. And she also said that I “annoyed” her last night with “repeating myself”. And she got cold and silent. I said I wanted to stay but I didn’t have any work clothes for today (Wed. 10/2). She says ok. Gave me a “light” hug and didn’t even kiss me good bye. I get home and text her saying I made it ok. And apologized for not staying over, “maybe soon tho”

.

She calls me, I didn’t answer, my ringer was off. But when I saw she called, I listen to my voicemail. She is going completely nuts. Saying that I am a low life for not remembering things, she said I annoyed her and she was done. She said she doesn’t a “man” that forgets things, and that she was bored. Very hurtful things. I called her back and she was sooooo hateful calling me an “absent minded professor” and a “dumb ass”. She went on and on about me repeating things I said over the phone and how it annoyed her the night before. I finally just said, “I get your point” and hung up.

She has mental issues, I swear.

so do you have an actual question or just venting?

she seems to have major issues. I would run away quick.

Herewith some thoughts. Put on the seatbelt, as some may make for a bumpy ride. But I'm on your side here.

Let's start with the big picture. In April you found yourself single after a three year relationship, convinced a woman had ruined you life and your gliding dreams and that, being a 50something, you'd never meet a woman again. Alas, it took you about five minutes, in the scheme of life, to have a new girlfriend. Ah, life and love! Always refreshing to remember it's everywhere! That's the good news—the best part of this story.

And, with that, ends the good news portion of this segment. I could join you with a pitcher of IPA and some hot wings, and together we can curse this woman's "mental issues" until we're red in the face and asked to leave the bar by a bartender questioning our mental issues. I think that's kind of what you're looking for—understandable—but sadly I don't have that in me and don't really think it'll do you much good.

Because, c'mon, if you think she's got a load of issues, which according to you she basically wore like a headdress on your early dates, what's it say about you that you were so intrigued? That's the million dollar question here, to be asked or avoided with a beer, as you see fit. But I'd say that what it says is that you could use a minute to sort through some stuff so you're not drawn to damage and then shocked when damage comes to be, you know, damaging. Get your own baggage a little more sorted, in short, and you won't build romances on stacks of unclaimed baggage.

You want to peek at someone's ex-husbands FB page? Okay, fine. Not really my jam, an instinct I would say isn't conducive to connection, but it's a human impulse in #2019. So do it. But why announce it to someone you know is fragile? Why bring that energy into a newly developing romance? What's the game plan there? You are essentially announcing to someone that you are jealous and panicky and possessive, but in a sideways manner that leaves no room for real connection and vulnerability.

Were a strong, healthy woman to hear "I beat on my wife in 2001" and "I looked at your ex-husband's FB page" she would likely be done exploring romance with the man who said those words. You got the unhealthy version of that response, the Nagasaki version, but it was in ways not so different than someone saying, "I'm sorry, but I'm having doubts about our compatibility and need some privacy to process all this." She didn't have that in her—close, but not the cigar—nor did she have it in her to keep the door shut. So you got the pleading texts (her baggage) and from you she got the faux-cold shoulder (your baggage), and soon enough you were back to where you were at the start: making sparks by lighting baggage on fire.

If you want romance to feel like pouring kerosene on a fire, you can continue on this path, with her or with someone else. But there's no point in being shocked at what happens to the flame, not at 57, when you're squeezing that kerosene along with someone else. And if you'd like romance to feel different, I'd say it might be a good time to carve out a different approach.

Two months. No harm, no foul, sh*t happens—cheers to that. This is not your person, you are not hers, and the fastest exchange of "I love yous" never changes that math. But are you, right now, the person you want to be? Give yourself a moment to explore that question, get some answers, and I think you'll find the next person you connect with to be a little different from this.

It's been two months and there is already more drama than a Broadway musical.

She is clearly not ready for a relationship despite what she says.

While it's good that you are accountable, based on your previous actions (acting out physically in anger) she is not going to be a good fit for a relationship with you as there will always be something about you and your behavior that triggers her.

Next time she calls I think you need to be firm with your boundaries and just end it.

Yep, you're spot on dude.

Sorry to hear this. Luckily you saw the read flags after only a few weeks of dating. Focus on yourself more. Next time keep your boundaries intact.

If she's accusing you for forgetting a lot of things and you're the one telling the story here, to be fair, it does make me wonder what parts of the story are being left out. I hope you see the irony in this.

As a general rule, please stay away from villainizing your dates. It just looks bad on you as a person (you come across as bitter and resentful). There are all kinds of people out there. End this if it doesn't feel good to you and no more of this. If you do have problems with your memory (we all have weak areas), don't be ashamed about it or ignore what others are saying. There are exercises you can do to improve your memory. Just chalk this up to experience and remain confident in yourself and what you bring to a relationship.