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Can we get back together at our age


Ecajan1973

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I’m 46 and he is 42 and we started off being good friends/ co workers for about 5 years. We were both in relationships at the time and would even help each other with advice on relationships at the time

We eventually both ended up single and we both knew we had strong feelings for each other, we decided to date. We dated for a year and than he ended up moving in with me and his son also.. we had a hard time adjusting to each other’s quirks and he always had a hard time feeling at home here no matter how hard I tried..

One night after a big fight he decided he needed to get his own place to feel like something was his.. he needed time and space he said but wants to still remain friends. He said he still loves me but lost the spark after the fight

Of course I begged and pleaded and did all the things we aren’t supposed to do but I was so heartbroken.. we had a family together, he has a daughter also that we would get on weekends too, so not only was I losing him but her also.. his son continue too lives with me..

 

My ex tried for a month before he decided to move with friends, he said if he didn’t do it than that he never would.. I think the big rush had a lot to do with me asking him daily if he changed his mind and would he stay. I think it pushed him away.

 

I cried a little but accepted his decision. That was a month ago. It’s very hard to stay strong due to us seeing each other at work every day,

 

He still flirts with me and calls me babe and hug and kiss here and there but makes no effort to spend time outside of work

 

Today I asked him if we are ever gonna hang out(sounds stupid at our age) and he said he would like to have Chinese food and chill out with me very soon..

 

But I also sense him pulling away and becoming distant at times

 

He is also going thru a lot of financial issues and custody issues with his ex wife, which I know is effecting him right now

 

I’m thinking no contact for at least a week or two but scared too due to his insecurity issues

 

Any ideas or input to help my situation

 

He’s also been there since my granddaughter was born and she called him papa, she was a papas girl big time

 

He hasn’t seen her since he left and that breaks my heart

 

Please help

 

I just want my whole family complete again

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Wait... his son still lives with you? How old is his son? Seems odd that he continues to live there without his dad, no?

 

Also, how long were you both single before you got together?

 

Maybe he met another woman and wants to date her... or just wants to play the field... or wants to do his own thing without having to be accountable to anyone... whatever the case, when someone says they lost their spark for the relationship and that they want their freedom, it means the relationship is over.

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This isn't your family anymore though, OP. It's over and you've broken up. He moved out and is living elsewhere. You are no longer a couple. The work situation isn't helping because you seeing him on a constant basis has not helped you recover from the finality of it really being over. Somehow you've tricked your brain into thinking you're getting back together and still a "family" because you see one another on a daily or regular basis.

 

Him flirting with you is not good and you should learn to create better boundaries for your own sanity and mental health. You're spiraling and living in delusion. Please stop doing this. Don't put up with his come ons and flirting and don't reciprocate. Both of you are behaving immaturely and disrespectfully towards each other.

 

Forget being "scared" or worried about his "insecurity issues". His issues are not your issues. You're treating him like he's fragile for some bizarre and strange reason. His financial and custody issues are also not your issues. Don't take on a parent role. It's unbecoming and inappropriate. He can handle himself and if he can't, stop being his safety net. The relationship is over.

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I’m thinking no contact for at least a week or two but scared too due to his insecurity issues

 

Too scared to take care of yourself?

 

Pretty clear he''s doing what's good for him and putting his welfare first, yet you are patiantly waiting and being over tolerant of his actions.

 

Tell him that you love him but until which time he decides what he wants that you'll be creating some distance so you can heal and move forward. He knows where to find you.

 

Think about. He wont really respect someone who will sit on the sidelines while at the same time giving him an open door pass to your life - after he's already turned his back on you.

Have some respect - for you.

He may or may not feel the same way.

But what you're doing isn't working.

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Think of it this way...he walked out and you're still sitting there waiting for him to come back, and he knows it. He is basically having his cake and eat it too.

 

You've got to have more self respect than that.

Tell him you are done. He left, therefore he has no rights to you or your life anymore. Then prove it.

 

Get his son out of there, stop contact with him.

 

Maybe it will be enough to wake him up, maybe not. Either way, you'll have more self respect and not look as desperate as you do now.

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His son is 19 and has autism and other issues.. he does not want to live with his father and wants to stay with me. He has no one else to go to and no matter what is going on with his father and myself. I can’t kick him out

 

I’m definitely gonna start thinking of myself starting today.. I’m no longer gonna contact him and keep work at professional level

 

I have to start thinking of myself and my happiness regardless if he’s in my life or not

 

I’ll never give up hope but I definitely need to let go

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Sorry this is happening. Where is he staying now? It sounds like he moved into your place as a sort of refuge from his impending divorce, but now wants to settle into his own new life. Unfortunately it also seems as if living together right away revealed a lot of incompatibilities. Let him sort this out on his own and give him space. His son needs to make other arrangements with his own mother and father.

Also he still has a lot of his stuff here and his mail is still being delivered here. Should I ask for him to fix that
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And my ex is staying with friends until he saves enough money to get his own place. I thought at the beginning that he just needed time and space away from our relationship due to the fight but now I’m second doubting that

 

I want him back in my life but not because he can’t make it on his own but because he should realize what he lost and should of never gave up so quickly

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You need to make other arrangements for his son. What is his capacity as a legal adult? Are you the legal guardian now? Does your homeowner's and health insurance cover him being there? What you are doing is far from altruistic, it's almost like you are coaching, manipulating and tethering the son there to get this exbf back.

 

Is it a liability for you to take this on? It's not about throwing him out. Sadly this guy was just camping out hiding from his divorce, while you thought you started a brand new blended family.

 

Also where is his daughter? With the mother? His father is "the steady figure in his life" and you must tell your exbf to find friends, family, relatives etc to care for the son. Surely before your very recent arrival in his life he had aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, friends, extended family, etc. No?

 

Unfortunately it seems your exbf used you as a crash pad until he gets on his feet. Now he's using you as a free homeless shelter, storage unit, respite care facility and PO box. Forward his mail. Simply write 'forward' on the envelope. You seem to be using his stuff, his mail and even his son to get him back into your life. Stop. It's not your stuff, your mail or your son..

 

It sounds like you never processed the end of your last relationship. This is why you keep saying that this guy and his kids are "your family", when in fact you have your own kids and grand-kids.

I’ve been the only steady figure in his life and don’t have the heart or don’t think it’s right to throw him out the door. He does not want to live with his father and asked to stay with me
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You need to make other arrangements for his son. What is his capacity as a legal adult? Are you the legal guardian now? Does your homeowner's and health insurance cover him being there? What you are doing is far from altruistic, it's almost like you are coaching, manipulating and tethering the son there to get this exbf back.

.

Sorry, but that's a little unfair. She's a mother after all and has a heart for the boy. Please don't assume she's being manipulative.

-As if she doesn't have enough grief.

I think most mothers would feel this way. You live and bond with a child, you don't send them packing just because they have challenges.

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Sorry, but that's a little unfair. She's a mother after all and has a heart for the boy. Please don't assume she's being manipulative.

-As if she doesn't have enough grief.

I think most mothers would feel this way. You live and bond with a child, you don't send them packing just because they have challenges.

 

Agree... if he wants to stay with you, is capable of deciding those things for himself, and you are okay with this then I think that's kind of you to let him, at least for now.

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It all depends on his capacity and what the legal, physical and financial ramifications of that are. Also if she is preventing him from getting help or funds he is entitled to. For example is she paying for his health care? Food, up keep, etc?

 

Is she collecting any disability checks on his behalf? Children, elderly and disabled people are protected from people exploiting them like this. Is that his legal residence?

 

While chronologically over 18, what is his legal status? Not sure what she is doing is even legal, no less wise. She needs to find him appropriate accommodations if she really wants to help and this "evil" real mother and irresponsible father don't do what they should.. Also the father is still the father and the mother is still the mother.

 

She was dad's gf, that's it. He may say "yes" he wants to stay with her, and his mother and father may be fobbing him off, sadly but what's going on with a random exgf just "keeping" him like a stray dog is pretty horrible. He's a person, not a pawn in her quest to draw the father back in..

Sorry, but that's a little unfair.
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It always amazes me what some 16 year olds get away with in terms of choices and decisions. I don't think he should be choosing to live with his father's ex-gf and I think the living situation of his son is a very large symptom of the entire problem that was your relationship in the first place: it's dysfunctional and messy. It's carried on dysfunctional and messy and unfortunately the son is just collateral and it's the kids that are affected most by unstable relationships. It also appears he doesn't have a good relationship with his own father which is just sad. Very sad, overall.

 

I also agree about looking into the legalities of keeping him or having him live with you. I think you're running the risk of overcomplicating your life. We all understand emotional ties and attachments and breaking up a home is difficult but it shouldn't promote greater confusion and messiness either. Start straightening this out the right way and don't take on more than you can chew or than is appropriate given the circumstances.

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I’m definitely not using him as a pawn. He has no other place to go until his father finds a stable place to live.. I collect no money at all for him, he has his own medical..

I’ve accepted the fact that me and his father are not getting back together but doesn’t mean I don’t wish we would but I’m definitely not throwing his son out on the streets..

He’s innocent in all this

That is totally unfair to assume that is what I am doing.. I care deeply about his son as if he is my own..

 

I simply asked for advice on ways to maybe rekindle our relationship and everyone is assuming that I’m using his son as bait. Me and his father both gave him the choice where he wants to stay right now and he chooses here..

he most likely will change his mind when his father finds a stable place to live..

 

What if I was his sons actual mother and was asking for advice on rekindling relationship

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Sorry - I mistook his age. I don't think you're using him as bait. I do think you're not doing much for yourself by way of moving forward and healing from the break up. The choices are really up to you. At the end of the day you're the one who has to answer to yourself and live your own reality. If you are ok or can make peace with your choices and where life has brought you, then no one else's opinion matters.

 

I'm not sure you're understanding that the relationship was unhealthy to begin with and you're trying to grab at straws. Sorry to say that.

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How long were your divorces finalized before you started seeing one another?

 

How long were you dating before moving in together?

 

Two rebounders moving in together so quickly was a frying pan to fire move, and it's not likely to be workable for quite a long time. I'd back off. Read my sig.

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He's not your son and you do in fact want to draw this man back into your house/life, even though it's not what he wants. You can't unilaterally rekindle anything. It takes two.

What if I was his sons actual mother and was asking for advice on rekindling relationship
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He's not your son and you do in fact want to draw this man back into your house/life, even though it's not what he wants. You can't unilaterally rekindle anything. It takes two.

 

 

I would never take this man back!! Ever!! Knowing the things I know about what he has done is disgusting

I would never trust him again!!!! And I have more self respect than that.. yes I loved him and deep down I still do but he has hurt me way too much too ever bring him back into my life..

 

He came and got the rest of his stuff today and not once knocked on door to see his son and he knew I wasn’t home and his son was

 

He makes no effort to contact him

 

But what can I do about a 19 year old kid that refuses to live with his father at this time and has no one else to turn too

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Sorry to hear this. He sounds like a snake. What options does the son have as far as housing? Are you comfortable with the son there?

He came and got the rest of his stuff today and not once knocked on door to see his son and he knew I wasn’t home and his son was. He makes no effort to contact him.

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