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Thread: Can we get back together at our age

  1. #11
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    And my ex is staying with friends until he saves enough money to get his own place. I thought at the beginning that he just needed time and space away from our relationship due to the fight but now Iím second doubting that

    I want him back in my life but not because he canít make it on his own but because he should realize what he lost and should of never gave up so quickly

  2. #12
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    I totally agree with your advice and deep down I know this is best for both of us

    I told him this today and will hope he respects my decision and maybe he will realize one day what he lost

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to make other arrangements for his son. What is his capacity as a legal adult? Are you the legal guardian now? Does your homeowner's and health insurance cover him being there? What you are doing is far from altruistic, it's almost like you are coaching, manipulating and tethering the son there to get this exbf back.

    Is it a liability for you to take this on? It's not about throwing him out. Sadly this guy was just camping out hiding from his divorce, while you thought you started a brand new blended family.

    Also where is his daughter? With the mother? His father is "the steady figure in his life" and you must tell your exbf to find friends, family, relatives etc to care for the son. Surely before your very recent arrival in his life he had aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, friends, extended family, etc. No?

    Unfortunately it seems your exbf used you as a crash pad until he gets on his feet. Now he's using you as a free homeless shelter, storage unit, respite care facility and PO box. Forward his mail. Simply write 'forward' on the envelope. You seem to be using his stuff, his mail and even his son to get him back into your life. Stop. It's not your stuff, your mail or your son..

    It sounds like you never processed the end of your last relationship. This is why you keep saying that this guy and his kids are "your family", when in fact you have your own kids and grand-kids.
    Originally Posted by Ecajan1973
    Iíve been the only steady figure in his life and donít have the heart or donít think itís right to throw him out the door. He does not want to live with his father and asked to stay with me
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 10-02-2019 at 08:41 AM.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Are you sure he hasn't met someone else, OP? A lot of times when things go like this, it's because they are already seeing someone else.

    I doubt he would ever admit it to you though.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You need to make other arrangements for his son. What is his capacity as a legal adult? Are you the legal guardian now? Does your homeowner's and health insurance cover him being there? What you are doing is far from altruistic, it's almost like you are coaching, manipulating and tethering the son there to get this exbf back.
    .
    Sorry, but that's a little unfair. She's a mother after all and has a heart for the boy. Please don't assume she's being manipulative.
    -As if she doesn't have enough grief.
    I think most mothers would feel this way. You live and bond with a child, you don't send them packing just because they have challenges.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Sorry, but that's a little unfair. She's a mother after all and has a heart for the boy. Please don't assume she's being manipulative.
    -As if she doesn't have enough grief.
    I think most mothers would feel this way. You live and bond with a child, you don't send them packing just because they have challenges.
    Agree... if he wants to stay with you, is capable of deciding those things for himself, and you are okay with this then I think that's kind of you to let him, at least for now.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It all depends on his capacity and what the legal, physical and financial ramifications of that are. Also if she is preventing him from getting help or funds he is entitled to. For example is she paying for his health care? Food, up keep, etc?

    Is she collecting any disability checks on his behalf? Children, elderly and disabled people are protected from people exploiting them like this. Is that his legal residence?

    While chronologically over 18, what is his legal status? Not sure what she is doing is even legal, no less wise. She needs to find him appropriate accommodations if she really wants to help and this "evil" real mother and irresponsible father don't do what they should.. Also the father is still the father and the mother is still the mother.

    She was dad's gf, that's it. He may say "yes" he wants to stay with her, and his mother and father may be fobbing him off, sadly but what's going on with a random exgf just "keeping" him like a stray dog is pretty horrible. He's a person, not a pawn in her quest to draw the father back in..
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Sorry, but that's a little unfair.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It always amazes me what some 16 year olds get away with in terms of choices and decisions. I don't think he should be choosing to live with his father's ex-gf and I think the living situation of his son is a very large symptom of the entire problem that was your relationship in the first place: it's dysfunctional and messy. It's carried on dysfunctional and messy and unfortunately the son is just collateral and it's the kids that are affected most by unstable relationships. It also appears he doesn't have a good relationship with his own father which is just sad. Very sad, overall.

    I also agree about looking into the legalities of keeping him or having him live with you. I think you're running the risk of overcomplicating your life. We all understand emotional ties and attachments and breaking up a home is difficult but it shouldn't promote greater confusion and messiness either. Start straightening this out the right way and don't take on more than you can chew or than is appropriate given the circumstances.

  10. #19
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    Iím definitely not using him as a pawn. He has no other place to go until his father finds a stable place to live.. I collect no money at all for him, he has his own medical..
    Iíve accepted the fact that me and his father are not getting back together but doesnít mean I donít wish we would but Iím definitely not throwing his son out on the streets..
    Heís innocent in all this
    That is totally unfair to assume that is what I am doing.. I care deeply about his son as if he is my own..

    I simply asked for advice on ways to maybe rekindle our relationship and everyone is assuming that Iím using his son as bait. Me and his father both gave him the choice where he wants to stay right now and he chooses here..
    he most likely will change his mind when his father finds a stable place to live..

    What if I was his sons actual mother and was asking for advice on rekindling relationship

  11. #20
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    And his son is 19 almost 20

    Not a child by all means

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