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Thread: Jealousy?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Here's a story.

    My best friend got involved with a woman when he was around your age. He was just enamored with her: so smart, so cool. One day, pretty early, they go out to dinner and someone he'd dated for 3 months was at the restaurant. They all said hi, as people do, he explained who it was, and his girlfriend started weeping. He tried to soothe her. She asked that he not make friends with women while they dated, or ever spend time with women—like after work drinks sort of things—while they were together.

    My friend is a puppy dog of a dude, basically the portrait of "safe." Kind of awkward, not a big flirt, and about the most loyal person I know. And, well, also being a bit of a literal puppy at the time—young, spine still forming—he agreed to her rules.

    Result? The more they were together the more jealous she became. It was like, in rewarding what just baseline immaturity early, he turned the faucet from a drip to a whooshing flow. It became part of their dynamic. For a decade. Messed them both up something fierce, in the end. He's about to turn 36 and remains kind of petrified of women, is flat-out shocked when he tells a woman that he's tired and wants to stay in, or is heading to meet some friends at an art gallery, and in response the woman doesn't, you know, freak out.

    Just a little cautionary tale. Whether she's got some trust issues, some maturity issues, or for some justifiable reason doubts your judgement, this is not quite normal behavior. That's why no matter how carefully you turn the prism to see her point of view, you go a little blind. There is no real logic to it.

    It may be that you've outgrown each other, meaning you're kind of applying a high school lens to adulthood. Regardless, if this is something you try to talk out at length you're in for a bumpy ride. I'd tell her, calmly and kindly, that you love her, have no interest in anyone else, but that you do want to be someone who can have a girlfriend and go out for afterwork drinks. Tell her you'd like that girlfriend to be her, and then see if you two can work. If not, you know you guys can't continue to grow into the shape you want to be with each other: a very sad thing to face, but not as sad as pretending otherwise after the bell has rung.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Anonymous86
    I appreciate everyone’s input on the subject, I really do. It’s nice to have some unbiased opinions on the subject. Whenever we argue about something and I feel I’m even a little bit in the wrong, I try to reevaluate my entire perspective. But this time I just can’t see what’s wrong with what I wanted to do. Thank you to everyone who stopped to chime in, I do appreciate it
    It sounds to me like you wanting to "try new things" is not exactly the type of guy she signed up for. She started dating you before you wanted to try new things or go outside your comfort zone. If both of you can't grow together, the relationship isn't going to work, unfortunately. She's entitled to feeling how she wants to feel and if she has a strong opinion about not dating guys who go out to bars, that's her prerogative. If you want to explore hanging out with new friends at bars, that's your choice too.

    Being in a committed relationship is acknowledging when you're compatible with someone in terms of hobbies, interests, outlook etc. I think you're overly defensive and painting her as a terrible person but what it boils down to is you're growing into a kind of guy she doesn't like. She has a right to her own opinion on what she likes and doesn't like. Be respectful of each other and go your separate ways if you continue butting heads like this. Don't bring each other down or hurt each other more.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 10-01-2019 at 11:42 PM.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    There is no right or wrong here. There is what she wants (keeping things stagnant, not growing, not changing, clinging tightly to you and the high-school days) and what you want (exploring life a bit, coming of age, growing, maturing).

    Rather than argue..trust me this issue will continually resurface in a variety of incarnations... break up for a while. Eventually she will resent your maturing, wanting independence and you will resent her tight grip, smothering and holding you back. Did she do well at school socially and academically? She seems a bit immature for her age.

    End it while you are still civil and it doesn't proceed to the point of games, fights, nasty breakups, etc.. Just tell her you need to be a lone for a while
    Originally Posted by Anonymous86
    Whenever we argue about something and I feel I’m even a little bit in the wrong, I try to reevaluate my entire perspective. But this time I just can’t see what’s wrong with what I wanted to do.

  4. #14
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    Well personally I think that yes, this is a very big issue. People should be allowed to go out with friends and colleagues and yes, go out to a bar too. As long as they haven't and don't do anything wrong, e.g. flirting with other people. Which you say you haven't ever done. You've given her no reason not to trust you, so she should just trust you by default. We should all trust someone until we have good reasons to believe otherwise.

    Also in this particular situation you did explain that your colleagues are all middle aged women with kids and a lesbian. So even if you wanted to you couldn't have a chance with any of them really.

    The reason why I think it's really not good is that your girlfriend doesn't realise how controlling this is and she actually thinks you're in the wrong. I mean do you want to continue to be told what to do and that you're not allowed to have female friends?

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Anonymous86
    But I mention going out with friends from work and she goes off on me about it. When I confront her about it, she tells me her problem is that I told her I’d never go out to a bar because it’s not my scene.
    I am wondering how that came up in the first place. Was this something she asked you about early in the relationship?

    There is a lot of insecurity in her reaction to all of this, and I am curious if you'd seen glimpses of this before perhaps without even realizing it.

    I agree that her reaction is over-the-top and too controlling, and also is quite insulting to you. She is making the assumption that you're the sort of guy who cheats, given the opportunity. It says a lot about her true level of respect for you. (ie. not very high) In any event, you've just learned that you two have very different boundaries and very different levels of trust in each other. You might want to step back and re-think what that says about your relationship, and if there is any room for compromise on her part.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    How long have you been together with this woman? You've set up isolation in some protective bubble as your precedent in this relationship, and you're learning how socially stunting this is. Decide whether you'll want to continue robbing yourself of a natural course of growth and development, or whether you're wiling to stay stunted to appease someone else.

    From there, present it this way to GF, and ask her whether she's willing to trust you enough for you both to grow out of isolation, or whether she'd rather let you go so you can grow on your own.

  8. #17
    Member PerkyGreek's Avatar
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    This is a hint of a problem that might worsen down the road. It seems that she has trust issues and is not open to differences and individuality. But sometimes people change, especially if they really value the relationship. Maybe she is not mature enough. I don’t know if you would consider taking her with you when you go out with friends. It works for some people who can tolerate that although not for others.

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