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After 6 weeks he abruptly ended things, even after talking I'm so confused


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I was seeing a great guy for about 6 weeks. We went out around 2x per week, talked every day (75% of the time initiated by him), some of our dates lasted all day. We had a ton in common. I just generally felt like things were going in the right direction. We talked about how both of us were looking for relationships, so I never got the feeling that we weren't at least heading that direction.

 

I felt like I was ready for him to meet my friends, so I asked him what he was doing next weekend. He said "hanging out with you!". And I was like, let me know if you aren't ready to meet my friends, but if you are my friend is having a birthday party this weekend at a beer tasting event and you could come if you are interested. He said he would like to go and that it sounded fun. I saw him later in the week and we had a great dinner during which he asked me what the details were for this event. Fast forward to the Friday before, he calls me out of the blue and ended things. I asked if I was putting too much pressure on him by inviting him to the event, and he said it wasn't that specifically, just in general he was feeling like we were moving toward a relationship and he just felt that as that approached he realized he wasn't ready to be in a relationship. I asked him if we could talk later after I had some time to process.

 

A couple of days later we talked and had a very emotional conversation. He reiterated what he said before about no being ready to mentally commit to a relationship. He had told me previously that he struggled with anxiety and that was definitely impacting his decision making. I asked him if he felt like something felt wrong with me specifically or if it was just committing in general and he said he can't pinpoint anything specifically he just doesn't feel ready. I asked if there was any way to take things slow and keep seeing each other and he just said no. When I told him I was going to miss getting to know him he cried! And then he cried again when I told him I hope he takes the time to work on himself because I want him to be happy.

 

I just feel like he got scared and ran away. I know I can't put myself in his head and I don't know if he was being 100% honest with me. But I can't shake the feeling that he gave up too soon. I mean we only dated for 6 weeks, and we were both getting upset at the thought of ending it. I'm struggling to move on and stop thinking about him because it just doesn't make sense to me. I don't understand what it means to not feel ready. What do I do?

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I'm struggling to move on and stop thinking about him because it just doesn't make sense to me. I don't understand what it means to not feel ready. What do I do?

 

`it's not you, it's me' It's the kindest way sometimes to back out and sparing you the real reason why. When there is an unknown and you won't get all the facts, just take his word for it. He's not ready.

 

The possibilities are endless -

He does have some emotional issues that he felt were behind him.

He hasn't recovered from a recent break up.

His ex wants him back.

He met someone else.

He just wasn't feelin' it.

 

In the end it doesn't change the outcome. From everything you shared, there were no signs previous to this. It's no wonder it feels like such a shock.

What to do? Honor his wishes and move on.

I'm sorry.

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just in general he was feeling like we were moving toward a relationship and he just felt that as that approached he realized he wasn't ready to be in a relationship.

 

I would take him at his word. Things were moving towards a relationship vs casual dating and he decided that after 6 weeks, that's not what he wanted. he was clear about his reasoning. In the first couple of months you find out if someone is a match to move forward. you guys are not a match. You were extremely invested in the course of 6 weeks. Take a minute to heal, then go out and meet other guys. Don't overanalyze. he meant what he said. It has nothing to do with you as far as the quality of person that you are

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We did meet on Bumble, but he told me he wasn't using Bumble anymore.

 

Maybe he was using something else? That way he didn't have to lie.

 

Regardless... people do these things and we may never find the real reason. It sounds like he was a gentleman about it, so I would just be happy that it wasn't ugly.

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Sorry about all this.

 

Sadly, this is kind of what dating is: two people, total strangers, exploring a connection to see where it can go. Either party can opt out of that, at any moment. Most connections do not evolve into serious, sustainable relationships, but fizzle out for one reason or another. It sucks. It is also how it goes.

 

The feeling you can't shake—that he "gave up" to soon—is what it always feels like when someone opts out something that we are still opting in on. Been in your shoes plenty. Never fun. But I don't think you get much more of a respectful, straight-forward explanation than what he gave you: he stopped feeling what he needed to feel to keep opting in. No stringing you along, no false hope, a hard no that shows he respects your truth, his own truth, and the truth that there is a gap between those truths. His "not ready" is a fact as real as your feeling that he gave up too soon. Those facts can't negate the other, nor, sadly, can they coexist alongside each other in the same space.

 

As for "not ready," it can mean lots of different things, or at least be stirred by different things, but at the end of the day it's not personal. It means he is "not ready" to keep exploring things with you. A tough pill to swallow, but ultimately what you are looking for is someone is ready for that exploration, who is thrilled where he got spooked. He is not that man. This is a sad moment to process, and shake off, so you can connect to that man.

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Next time you meet someone in the first date, please clarify what you're both looking for and make sure their non-verbal cues line up with what that person's saying. Sometimes people do fool you. Take it for what it is and let that person go. That person was not what you thought he/she was. This is just an eye-opener and a lesson in what kinds of people there are out there (plenty!). Sharpen your awareness and perception and continue coasting. Date and meet others.

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At the end of the day, the "why" doesn't matter. Should you find yourself routinely getting dumped after a month, then yeah, it's probably worth some introspection. But whether he was upfront about generally not being ready or if he just didn't find you a good match in particular, the bottom line is he doesn't want to be with you.

 

I've been dumped twice in my life. Lucky or unlucky depending on how you look at it. The first time, my heart was broken. The second time, it sucked, but I just thought about it and asked myself what the point would be if she simply at her core didn't want to be with me. I mean that should kinda be the very first rung in your overall assessment of whether someone is worth putting that kind of emotional capital into. I was genuinely over her before the weekend was over.

 

As far as my opinion goes, if I had $10,000 in my pocket, I'd put it on him just putting you down nicely. Still, in this case, it's the what that matters. Not the why.

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. . if it helps, in moments like these I look back at the really amazing men I had the opportunity to get to know. I felt sad when there wasn't the connection I was hoping for and ultimately said pretty much the same things as your guy did to you.

 

It didn't take anything away from them. We just weren't a match.

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Sadly, this is kind of what dating is: two people, total strangers, exploring a connection to see where it can go. Either party can opt out of that, at any moment. Most connections do not evolve into serious, sustainable relationships, but fizzle out for one reason or another. It sucks. It is also how it goes.

 

The feeling you can't shake—that he "gave up" to soon—is what it always feels like when someone opts out something that we are still opting in on. Been in your shoes plenty. Never fun. But I don't think you get much more of a respectful, straight-forward explanation than what he gave you: he stopped feeling what he needed to feel to keep opting in. No stringing you along, no false hope, a hard no that shows he respects your truth, his own truth, and the truth that there is a gap between those truths. His "not ready" is a fact as real as your feeling that he gave up too soon. Those facts can't negate the other, nor, sadly, can they coexist alongside each other in the same space.

 

 

You're probably right. I just have never had someone do a total 180 on how they were feeling. Usually able to sense that someone is not interested or pulling away.

I felt like his words and actions were always affirming that he was interested. Making plans to see me, texting me every day, telling me he was excited with where things were going with us. It is a tough pill to swallow.

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Next time you meet someone in the first date, please clarify what you're both looking for and make sure their non-verbal cues line up with what that person's saying. Sometimes people do fool you. Take it for what it is and let that person go. That person was not what you thought he/she was. This is just an eye-opener and a lesson in what kinds of people there are out there (plenty!). Sharpen your awareness and perception and continue coasting. Date and meet others.

 

We did talk about it and per that discussion we were on the same page. He told me multiple times that he was happy with how things were progressing with us. I guess he just wasn't open whenever he started to feel otherwise.

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. . if it helps, in moments like these I look back at the really amazing men I had the opportunity to get to know. I felt sad when there wasn't the connection I was hoping for and ultimately said pretty much the same things as your guy did to you.

 

It didn't take anything away from them. We just weren't a match.

 

I think that part of the reason I'm struggling so much with this is that this is the first man in years that I felt a connection with who I thought was reciprocating that connection. It's hard to accept that it could feel so right to me but not to him.

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. . if it helps, in moments like these I look back at the really amazing men I had the opportunity to get to know. I felt sad when there wasn't the connection I was hoping for and ultimately said pretty much the same things as your guy did to you.

 

It didn't take anything away from them. We just weren't a match.

And to build on this, try not to swim too deep in the mentality of there either needing to be something wrong with you or something wrong with him. At best, it's a bit egocentric. At worst, it gets vindictive. Neither are especially good ways to be. Mismatches just happen. They can happen for pretty much any reason, and particularly when we're talking just 6 weeks in, they can happen at pretty much any time. And generally speaking, dumpers don't have any vested interest in making someone feel like **** on top of the actual act of dumping them by then giving them a list of reasons they're incompatible. You're more often than not going to get some form of "it's me, not you."
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I think that part of the reason I'm struggling so much with this is that this is the first man in years that I felt a connection with who I thought was reciprocating that connection. It's hard to accept that it could feel so right to me but not to him.

 

It is a weird feeling as if you couldn't have gotten that far alone, right?

He probably wanted it as much as you did, hence the tears in the end.

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It is a weird feeling as if you couldn't have gotten that far alone, right?

He probably wanted it as much as you did, hence the tears in the end.

 

Yes, exactly. But that's the thing, if he wanted it and nothing specific felt bad or wrong and he liked spending time with me, how can you so definitively know enough to stop seeing me? I know it's fruitless to ask that looking from my perspective, but it's just what I wonder. I didn't know that we'd for sure work out long term or not, I just wanted to keep exploring.

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And to build on this, try not to swim too deep in the mentality of there either needing to be something wrong with you or something wrong with him. At best, it's a bit egocentric. At worst, it gets vindictive. Neither are especially good ways to be. Mismatches just happen. They can happen for pretty much any reason, and particularly when we're talking just 6 weeks in, they can happen at pretty much any time. And generally speaking, dumpers don't have any vested interest in making someone feel like **** on top of the actual act of dumping them by then giving them a list of reasons they're incompatible. You're more often than not going to get some form of "it's me, not you."

 

That's true. But I've had plenty of mismatches in my dating life, they just never felt so sudden and without warning. I appreciate that he was willing to talk and didn't just fall off the earth.

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One thing I'll ask: Did you have some sense from him that asking to meet your friends for a beer at 6 weeks would land as "pressure"? I just couldn't help but read that—the way it was brought up—as someone (you) picking up on some hesitancy in another (him) even before the shocking pivot.

 

But, yes, what everyone is saying. I met a lot of great people when I was single—people I explored things with for a few weeks before pulling what I suspect felt like a "180" on them. It wasn't quite that for me, and it was always a genuine bummer. I didn't want to feel what I felt, but I felt it, often for reasons I couldn't quite articulate save for: not the one for me. Of course, I was not the one for others when I still wanted to be a contender.

 

Dwelling too much on this is a road to nowhere good fast, the egocentric/vindictive stuff j.man mentioned. Learning to take it for what it is—and take a hit without being knocked down too far—is in my opinion the best road. Less than two months ago you didn't know he existed on the planet, and you were fine. You'll be fine again, sooner than you know.

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One thing I'll ask: Did you have some sense from him that asking to meet your friends for a beer at 6 weeks would land as "pressure"? I just couldn't help but read that—the way it was brought up—as someone (you) picking up on some hesitancy in another (him) even before the shocking pivot.

 

But, yes, what everyone is saying. I met a lot of great people when I was single—people I explored things with for a few weeks before pulling what I suspect felt like a "180" on them. It wasn't quite that for me, and it was always a genuine bummer. I didn't want to feel what I felt, but I felt it, often for reasons I couldn't quite articulate save for: not the one for me. Of course, I was not the one for others when I still wanted to be a contender.

 

Dwelling too much on this is a road to nowhere good fast, the egocentric/vindictive stuff j.man mentioned. Learning to take it for what it is—and take a hit without being knocked down too far—is in my opinion the best road. Less than two months ago you didn't know he existed on the planet, and you were fine. You'll be fine again, sooner than you know.

 

We'd only discussed how we mutually didn't want to rush into anything at the very beginning. So I guess I didn't want him to think that I was rushing things before he was ready, but wanted to show him that I was ready. We hadn't talked about being "bf/gf," and I would have understood if he wanted to keep getting to know each other one on one for awhile longer. He had invited me to hang out with his friends around our 2nd date, but I said I wasn't ready. He never asked me to meet his friends after that, but is definitely less social than I am and was pretty much available to hang out every weekend while we were seeing each other.

 

I know dwelling doesn't help, but it's on my mind a lot.

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Yes, exactly. But that's the thing, if he wanted it and nothing specific felt bad or wrong and he liked spending time with me, how can you so definitively know enough to stop seeing me? I know it's fruitless to ask that looking from my perspective, but it's just what I wonder. I didn't know that we'd for sure work out long term or not, I just wanted to keep exploring.

 

People can want lots of things that aren't right for them. You can be temporarily smitten or dazzled and then come back to center to realize its ultimately not something you want or what is good for you. It has nothing to do with you as a person. He doesn't want a serious relationship. you didn't break up because of one sentence but asking him "if it was too much pressure to meet my friends..." and suddenly he realizes "MEETING THE FRIENDS" is supposed to be a relationship step vs "hey, my friend Sally invited me to a halloween party. Do you want to come with me?" and then its no pressure and he can say yes or no with no strings if he decides he doesn't want to meet friends yet or its just not his jam and if he goes, it doesn't MEAN SOMETHING (as a step in the relationship).

 

At any rate, I have met some wonderful guys and i rejected them because i was not looking to jump into anything - not even a date - newly divorced. Or i decided not to continue seeing them - even though we got along decent it just was not a match.

I also "liked spending time with" my abusive ex because there were times when he WAS perfectly pleasant and a good conversationalist. he just wasn't good other times.

 

Do not take it personally. If you made a connection, that means you are capable of making a connection and you will meet someone new.

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It's also said that the ending of relationships of short duration often hurt more than longer ones.

 

If you think about it, you are at your highest and most hopeful in the first few weeks. It's a really long way to fall. That's probably why this has such an impact on you.

 

In comparison of a longer relationship, where things start to come undone and people get disenchanted. At least, that you can put your finger on.

 

Don't let the intensity of this loss rock you. You were still in the infatuation stage. We tend to give people more value than they deserve during this time.

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Sounds like you were both a bit skittish. A little personal rule of mine—one that probably got formed after being in both his shoes and yours—is that I don't have much interest in talking about "not wanting to rush into anything" with people I'm just getting to know. Whenever I've heard words like that coming out of my mouth, they generally mean, "I'm kind of scared and skittish these days because I'm still hurting from something." When I hear them from another, I hear the same thing. When I've found myself having "great" conversations about not wanting to "move to fast," particularly if those conversations are being had in a state undress, I've generally found myself in something that is more fragile than I know.

 

Just something to think about.

 

But, yes, what reinvent said about the sting of short things ending is real. I believe she offered me similar words, last year, when an 8 week thing went from hot to cold—or, depending on one's thermometer, hot to nuclear—very abruptly. Inhale, exhale, and try to see it for what it is: the loss of hopes as much as a person. The good news is that the loss of the person does not mean the hopes have to go anywhere.

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It's also said that the ending of relationships of short duration often hurt more than longer ones.

 

If you think about it, you are at your highest and most hopeful in the first few weeks. It's a really long way to fall. That's probably why this has such an impact on you.

 

In comparison of a longer relationship, where things start to come undone and people get disenchanted. At least, that you can put your finger on.

 

Don't let the intensity of this loss rock you. You were still in the infatuation stage. We tend to give people more value than they deserve during this time.

 

This is probably true. I felt like I had just let my guard down and was starting to get excited.

It's hard to give up the hopeful feelings. Especially when I've really given little hope to most of the people I've dated in the last 5+ years.

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Sounds like you were both a bit skittish. A little personal rule of mine—one that probably got formed after being in both his shoes and yours—is that I don't have much interest in talking about "not wanting to rush into anything" with people I'm just getting to know. Whenever I've heard words like that coming out of my mouth, they generally mean, "I'm kind of scared and skittish these days because I'm still hurting from something." When I hear them from another, I hear the same thing. When I've found myself having "great" conversations about not wanting to "move to fast," particularly if those conversations are being had in a state undress, I've generally found myself in something that is more fragile than I know.

 

Just something to think about.

 

But, yes, what reinvent said about the sting of short things ending is real. I believe she offered me similar words, last year, when an 8 week thing went from hot to cold—or, depending on one's thermometer, hot to nuclear—very abruptly. Inhale, exhale, and try to see it for what it is: the loss of hopes as much as a person. The good news is that the loss of the person does not mean the hopes have to go anywhere.

 

I guess I kind of disagree, and maybe its my naivete, but I feel like taking it slower allows me to protect myself. With the online dating world, I get rejected constantly (I know I do the same to other people as well, its not only me), whether it be before even meeting or after 1 date or 2 or 10. I don't want to rush into sleeping with someone or saying I love you or meeting someones friends because it just starts to mean more.

 

Like I said to reinvent, I don't have hopeful feelings about most of the people I see and this is the first person I've let me guard down and let myself be excited about. Which just makes it harder. I know the loss of the hopes and the person added together is a big part of what is so disappointing.

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Sorry this happened. It sounds like too much too soon. It doesn't matter who initiated things. There was too much future talk. Instead try to take one step at a time. Such as have some dates ease in slowly especially physically. Have the exclusive talk before sex.

 

In this case it sounds like he just wasn't ready. Let it go. All you can do next time is take your time seeing how things go and keep your life busy. Do not chitchat all day. Go out on dates. Do not strive for insta-relationships. Dating is for you to decide if it's a good fit for you.

 

Also if you tend to get attached too soon have the exclusive talk before getting too involved. This way if someone tells you "they're not ready", you haven't invested this much.

I was seeing a great guy for about 6 weeks. We went out around 2x per week, talked every day. I saw him later in the week and we had a great dinner during which he asked me what the details were for this event. Fast forward to the Friday before, he calls me out of the blue and ended things. he just felt that as that approached he realized he wasn't ready to be in a relationship. He reiterated what he said before about no being ready to mentally commit to a relationship.
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