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Thread: I messed up

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    My friend has the best intentions but I guess one can say she has been through a lot. She focuses on positives in people. According to her men like attention from women and until caught, they may have inappropriately.
    I am concerned that he may accused me for being horrible, inconsiderate and insensitive to his circumstances. He is still grieving and soon will be the funeral. What human being does turn his back on his partner ( even in rocky times) during such difficult times?
    Not sure how to handle this.
    I also know in his opinion nothing really happened. I overacted with my insecurities and jealousy.
    No, she is not "focusing on the positives" - her issue is she is desperate and clinging to old tired cliches and stereotypes rather than thinking for herself and treating people as individuals. Giving any person a pass for cheating is not "focusing on positives" it's just laziness and passivity.
    You didn't turn your back on him -you offered support and he declined. You asked him to respond in a reliable way. That's a minimum "ask" not asking too much.
    According to your friend, men are not to be treated as individual people -that's a negative view of men right there. Condescending too - you mean men don't have impulse control, can't make the choice to be loyal? They can't help but react to feeling attracted or finding another person attractive? Really? She thinks so little of men? How in the world is that "positive?"

    I don't believe you overreacted. He didn't care about responding to you, he dismissed your feelings and he was grieving so much he had the wherewithal to lie to you, after you'd offered him support, in favor of chatting up another woman. Yes, when my inlaws passed away I shouldered tons of extra responsibility - both for our young child and with respect to funeral arrangements, calling people, taking calls, e-mailing people about the arrangements because my husband was traveling to our hometown and grieving. I'm his wife, these are my family too and I loved them -of course I did. And yes I still expected him to treat me with respect and kindness and caring - in fact, people who are grieving of course might not be sleeping, might be cranky, irritable, short tempered but if they are with someone supporting them and who loves them most typically they will treat that person with care and respect even if they need space. Cut slack -of course, some. I made a huge mistake -a terrible choice -when I was grieving many years ago. With someone I'd been dating only a few months. I rationalized it because he'd been acting like a jerk. I was wrong. I didn't deserve a pass just because a close family member died. And unlike you he acted like a jerk when I was grieving but no I still didn't deserve a pass.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    My friend has the best intentions but I guess one can say she has been through a lot. She focuses on positives in people. According to her men like attention from women and until caught, they may have inappropriately.
    I am concerned that he may accused me for being horrible, inconsiderate and insensitive to his circumstances. He is still grieving and soon will be the funeral. What human being does turn his back on his partner ( even in rocky times) during such difficult times?
    Not sure how to handle this.
    I also know in his opinion nothing really happened. I overacted with my insecurities and jealousy.
    The problem with cheaters is yes, they will ALWAYS blame you and turn things around on you and make you feel bad, make you feel off balance, make you feel like you are the crazy one. YOU ARE NOT. Cheating is about lies and deceit, you are literally dealing with a person who thrives on that. So can you expect him to be honest? No. Cheaters don't just come out and go, "gosh, I'm sorry I'm such a low life." Heck, they'll try to lie their way out even if you catch them with their pants down in the middle of the act. "You are hallucinating, you must be having a reaction to some meds, you must be dreaming.....who me cheating? Never. It's all in your head." Yes, they can be highly convincing too.

    Anyway, I will say this again - you are projecting your empathy too far. This guy is "grieving" sooo much he is busy flirting with someone else. Stop telling yourself stories about him that aren't real. What's real is that he is treating you like dirt and has been for a long long time and this chic isn't the first and certainly won't be the last. Friend.....yes every single cheater always claims she is just a friend and you are crazy to think otherwise. You are not.

    Ultimately, who cares what the ex thinks or does. The point of them being an ex is they are no longer a part of your life. Remember - he helped you pack. That's a pretty clear message that he doesn't care about you the way you care about him.

    Your friend, btw, couldn't be more wrong about men if she tried. I know that right now, a large part of you wants to believe her, but resist. Deep down you know you are better off without him. You've posted here about him before because your inner voice keeps talking to you, so this time listen to it and don't create excuses for that loser of a guy anymore. You deserve a happy healthy relationship where you can actually trust the person you are with because they are loyal and trustworthy. This guy is not and has never been it. Should have walked away the first time he was shady.

  3. #33
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    Thank you so much for this as I was slightly torn. Mind was going back and forth wether I overreacted. All of you were so supportive and help me to understand and see clearly.
    He reacted to my last question so strongly that I was shocked. He got so so angry and packed me so quickly. Maybe it is convenient for him that I gave him reason to do so. He can now freely talk with her or anyone.


    Weeks earlier, I gave him space to process loss of family member. I had no idea that was the time they reconnected.
    I gave him a choice of cancellation of the pre booked weekend away. He wanted to go. I am glad we did as than the text message from her came through.
    Now, if you were me, and he would ask why I am paranoid over his friendship. Why I don't trust him? ( As this will be his main point) What would be your answer ?
    According to him, he doesn't need to tell me about all his friends. He doesn't need to report to me.
    He doesn't have control over the fact what type of messages she sent to him, hearts or not etc.
    He said to me that it is odd that I don't understand he has female friends.

    He can talk....he can talk like nobody I know ( except Blue :) ). Within seconds he can make me feel confused and rather guilty. Although, believe me, I am not a silly woman, he will make me feel like one.
    I am hoping he won't get in touch. If I will give him a chance to speak, he will release the guilt and dump on me. He will create a story in which suddenly will make sense.
    He will feel much better and I will feel bad, guilty and full of regrets.
    That's why best to not pick up, if he will call. I won't get in touch. I can easily manage no contact.
    He may however pop in to my work place as he knows here lots of people.
    I have nothing to say to him. Hopefully, he feels the same.
    We had good times. Laughter, quality time, amazing sex, deep connection and we cared about each other in trouble, with health issues etc but he was too greedy.
    Deep down I was afraid that one woman will not be enough for him for too long. Even a perfect one ! He knew from the start that I have zero tolerance for inappropriate behaviour with another women. He acknowledged.
    Understood. He explained he has grown out of it. That he done his part and paid price for it. I believed him but perhaps not completely.
    I bet he thought ,given this woman is in another country ( Australia btw) I can't really blame him and he can't do no wrong.
    Oh dear !
    Last edited by irka000; 10-02-2019 at 11:49 AM. Reason: Errors

  4. #34
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You're not ready to end this, are you? You are hoping for more "amazing sex", you are hoping he stops by your workplace, you are hoping he wants you back, you are hoping he contacts you. You are hoping his breaking up was all a bad dream and he will run back and declare his love for you. You are setting the stage in your mind to continue the relationship.
    Originally Posted by irka000
    I am hoping he won't get in touch.
    I will give him a chance to speak,
    he will release the guilt and dump on me.
    He will create a story in which suddenly will make sense.
    He will feel much better
    I will feel bad, guilty and full of regrets.
    He may however pop in to my work place as he knows here lots of people.
    amazing sex

  5.  

  6. #35
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    Wiseman, trust me, amazing sex it is amazing but I can easily manage without.
    It is not enough for me to stay. For my own sanity I need to leave.
    I need peace of mind over amazing sex or his cuddles.
    I am ready to end this. It is over now.
    I just don't want him to make me feel like I am the one who ruined everything.

  7. #36
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    A relationship with a solid foundation wouldn't end so abruptly.
    If it was just you being insecure, he might have been mildly annoyed but if he loved you he would have talked it over with you in a mature way. Instead he basically threw you out?

    I guess you need reminding. It's ok. - He didn't make time for you, but prioritized another woman and lied to you about it.
    How convenient that he wants to paint you crazy for telling him that that didn't feel good.

    `I just don't want him to make me feel like I am the one who ruined everything.'
    So don't. It's a conscious choice. Choose not to take the blame and ignore the noise.

    Honestly, if the tables were turned is that how you would have handled it?
    Let that be your guide. Find someone who has the same relationship values you do.

    Came back to add - imagine returning to this relationship after this exercise in conditioning? How would you handle the next concern that came down the pipe? Would you live in fear that he'd throw you out every time you voiced something? As if you are that disposable. Just something to think about.

  8. #37
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    Wiseman, trust me, amazing sex it is amazing but I can easily manage without.
    It is not enough for me to stay. For my own sanity I need to leave.
    I need peace of mind over amazing sex or his cuddles.
    I am ready to end this. It is over now.
    I just don't want him to make me feel like I am the one who ruined everything.
    He can't make you feel like anything. You can control how you react to how you feel. And it doesn't mean he can't go on to find a serious committed relationship with someone else where he behaves appropriately. People change. He doesn't want to be with you and you know he is not a good match for you. But telling yourself stories about how he'll never find anyone will only make it hurt more if you hear that he did. I dated someone like him who had a somewhat shady past. But after he ended things with me he met his beautiful future wife 6 months later. The truth is he sent me a number of inappropriate emails both before and after he married her so who knows if he is being faithful. I am friendly with his brother and while I never ask about him I would know if there was some serious issue with the marriage or a divorce. Once he found her it hurt some but less than it would have because I accepted when he ended things that he just wasn't that into me. Helped me get over him much faster.

  9. #38
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    Reinvent, you are so right. I would certainly handled this differently if he would be the one asking these questions.
    Batya and Reinvent, it is so true that I don't have to fall for his manipulation. It is clear he doesn't want this. Me too.
    I wonder if this woman is some kind of lost love of his as it is hard to believe that 50 year old man would so quickly loose his head over a few conversations.
    Such a sudden change so quickly ? I am surprised I must admit. She being there, in Australia means so much to him ?
    And the last year with me was so easily forgotten cause she appeared ?
    Oh well, life I guess.
    Thank you again for all your help.

  10. #39
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    He can't make you feel like anything.
    This.

    He "makes" you feel confused and "rather guilty" because for some reason you are predisposed toward confusion and guilt, when it comes to men and romance. Think of it like a preexisting condition—not fatal, but begging for some attention—like I have a bad shoulder because I've twice broken my collar bone. If I lay on the left side of my body, it hurts. Ergo, if I try to "spoon" my girlfriend, or anyone, from one side I will feel hurt. Spooning didn't do that, neither did my girlfriend, neither did my love for her. I was already injured, and will be forever, in ways, because I was pretty reckless with my body as a kid. Today I treat that injury in a number of ways, among them being a man who only spoons from the right. Were I to involve myself with a woman who could only spoon from the left I would be involving myself in romance that is not good for my health, not being "made" to feel more injured by someone.

    Make sense?

    You've said yourself, here and in past threads, that you doubt his ability to be with one woman, or to subsist off the attention of only one woman. Well, you now know, as you've known, that those doubts were not doubts, but shrewd intuition. That's your personal power, right there, the thing to harness, not suppress. He "wants" the same thing that everyone wants: he wants what he wants. It is not, and has never quite been, the thing you want. Sad. But is that sad fact sadder than finding ways to blur it and shape it into a fact that isn't a fact? Hopefully that answer is becoming clear right now.

    I was a shady dude in my late 20s. I'd say I was a good dude too, but in romance? I was shady. So I could go down every rabbit hole you want in explaining these shades of shade to you, but it really doesn't matter. Shade is shade is shade. You do not get suntans in the shade. You can have some fun, and you can get burned, but that soft golden hue is what is elusive. I'm a man who wanted the golden hue, and worked hard to get myself out of the shade: for me, not for some woman who liked or loved me, since the women who liked or loved shady me ultimately had the effect on me that you have on him: they reflected back to me truths about myself that I didn't like seeing.

    He, in his 50s, is a dude who has built a castle in the shade. His life, his choice. He wants only mirrors that hide the shade, and so he collects them. You have been such a mirror, but with some cracks. An emoji-happy random in Australia can fill those cracks, for a bit. And so on and so forth. He is protecting the part of him that refuses to grow and evolve—basic human nature, warped and weaponized. Hence he is the type of man people, women especially, call "dangerous." Hence he has been more of a danger to you, and your mental health, than something else.

    His choices don't need to be yours.

  11. #40
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    Reinvent, you are so right. I would certainly handled this differently if he would be the one asking these questions.
    Batya and Reinvent, it is so true that I don't have to fall for his manipulation. It is clear he doesn't want this. Me too.
    I wonder if this woman is some kind of lost love of his as it is hard to believe that 50 year old man would so quickly loose his head over a few conversations.
    Such a sudden change so quickly ? I am surprised I must admit. She being there, in Australia means so much to him ?
    And the last year with me was so easily forgotten cause she appeared ?
    Oh well, life I guess.
    Thank you again for all your help.
    But you haven't been together a whole year, have you? I don't think it has anything at all to do with this woman. I think he's not as into you as you are into him, period. It's not a sudden change. You've been complaining about the imbalance here for a long time - in how you are seemingly more invested in this relationship, microanalyzing everything he does and says to test his devotion to you, etc. this woman has almost nothing to do with why he packed your bags and ended things. He wasn't all in and certainly not as all in as you. Find someone who is.

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