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Thread: I messed up

  1. #11
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    No, not at all. I am not afraid to leave. When things are so clear and evident, one has no other choice but to leave.
    I can love and leave...trust me. I didn't want to do it because of the circumstances, grieving etc. However,
    this wouldn't feel right any more.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Look, you did doubt him and you didn't trust him. For most of this. And you doubted yourself and didn't trust yourself. Those are dominant themes to your connection, part of what fueled the engine. The only reason you're able to even imagine this not being a dealbreaker is because you are long-conditioned to be "used" to accommodating all those doubts and distrust.

    I don't say all that in judgement, or to add salt to the wound, but just to help you maybe see this from a different angle as you mourn it and reflect on it.

    It was very hard for me—but eye-opening—to see that there was next to zero trust inside my last long relationship. We just did not trust each other—something we both ignored, in different ways, until we couldn't. Speaking for myself, those three years were not a waste. Good times were had, of course, and in the wake of it I learned the value of trust and respect—easy words to toss around but not words I really understood in the context of romance.

    I'm sorry for your pain, and this latest chapter. I do hope it is the last one, because if you can make it that I'm confident that you've got a lot of joy coming your way.

  3. #13
    Bronze Member quark's Avatar
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    While it is very sweet of you to want to stay around in his time of grief, it is very clear that he does not need the companionship since he literally packed your things for you. "I am sure he will justify this in his mind in a way that suits him. That I doubted him. I didn't trust." I'm sure he will, too. But you and I both know that you have every right to be upset when your significant other chooses to invest time in someone else and not you. He clearly doesn't understand that cheating can be and is more than just physical interaction. Not sure what the time difference between the 2 countries are, but I'm willing to bet he was so tired all the time because he stayed up to chat with her.

    It's GOOD that you are finally out of this situation. Take time to heal and be with yourself. Focus on your own hobbies and self love. You deserve someone that will respect you more and make time for you.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He doesn't deserve your trust. Someone who gets so easily defensive and packs your things for you over another woman is out of his mind. This is not a good place for you. I think he's been emotionally cheating on you for a long time. You have every right to ask questions or be curious about your partner. I think not doing so is being blind to your gut feelings. Don't dumb yourself down for people who treat you badly or don't afford you the time of day.

    I wouldn't waste any time on this person. Stop pitying him too.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Oh for the love of.....you are taking his loss to heart more than he is and you are using that loss and his imaginary grief to make serious excuses for what is in your face cheating. Yup, he is soooo grief stricken he has plenty of time to be cheating, texting, face timing another woman while completely ignoring you. Yeah....poor poor guy. Come on Irka....wake up already. You are dating a grade A sleazebag and it's long past due for you to dump him. Packing your stuff and walking out was the best thing you could have done for yourself. Now finish the job and get rid of him permanently. He is not a victim of anything, he isn't grieving jack and he clearly doesn't need you holding his hand for anything.

    Stop wasting your emotions on this jerk and find a decent guy who will actually love you back and care about you.

  7. #16
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    He made me feel like I am being ridiculous for being jealous of his friendship.
    Funny enough, we spoke day before about different things, including emotional cheating. He never heard of this term and disagree with it.
    He simply thinks it is a friendship not cheating cause there is no physical contact.
    It was an odd discussion. The next day I learned about his friend that suddenly appeared from woodwork.
    Gutted as hell but as you all rightly said, he doesn't need my support.
    He gets it elsewhere.
    Before all this happened, he asked me if I could help him run some errands for him. Despite him packing me, I helped with it.
    Do I tell him it has been done or leave it ?
    I think he can find out if he calls to providers.
    So I guess I will leave it

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I wouldn't respond. Don't do any errands. Don't look at him. Don't even breathe his way. Nada. If he wants any answers he can come to you for it. You're making things far too easy for him.

  9. #18
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    You're not married -who cares how you label it whether cheating, inappropriate, unreliable, untrustworthy, - meaning if you needed to file for divorce or custody you might need labels, proof, etc. It doesn't matter if she was just a friend, if one of them was attracted to the other -the point is he prioritized being in contact with her over responding to your text that was about plans, then lied about it. Then packed up your things and didn't care about trying to resolve this.

  10. #19
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    Thank you for this Batya as I am beating myself up that maybe I overreacted.
    That's exactly what he has done. That's more than enough to know where I stand and how important I am for him.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Enough beating yourself up.

    Your read on this guy, for nearly a year, if not longer, has been that he is shady. Shady with women, shady with you. The reason for that is because he is shady.

    He knows this. Thing is, he wants only to be rewarded for it. He wants women to validate the shade, not bring him out of it. If not rewarded, he shirks away, gets defensive, deflective. Expecting something else is like waiting for a brunette to turn into a blonde. Doesn't happen, no matter how hard you squint, and the roots will show quickly if you reach for the dye.

    It is not a cute look. It has not been a cute ride for you. You want sunshine, not shade. Time to seek it, and let him do whatever it is he needs to do to get through the days. Whatever that is, it does not serve you.

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