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Thread: I messed up

  1. #141
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Don't go down that road. It worked while it worked and was starting to unravel slowly but surely from different lifestyles, needs, personalities and general miscommunication and incompatibility. The only small truth in that statement is that you revolved your life too much around someone and invested too much. Do whatever it takes to get through this, but try to view it more as you finally unloaded someone so wrong for you by suggesting and precipitating the breakup.
    Originally Posted by irka000
    ....must have meant a lot to him

  2. #142
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    My friend said I should contact him and asked if that how he says goodbye to me after one year relationship.
    I won't do that....
    Glad you're smarter than that. I'd consider this friend as someone who's advice I'd never take.

    Originally Posted by irka000
    My other friend said that he can't be controlled in any way and he would rather be alone than have to explaining his ways etc the fact I questioned him about this woman and his phone was too much for him.
    Yeah, right--just what every woman needs--a rogue independent who hides behind that banner to excuse being a lousy partner.

    Originally Posted by irka000
    I believe this is partially true. Also the fact he didn't care that much is also a factor. For a moment I was tempted to reach out. So glad I didn't.
    Irka, decide whether wanting a secure and reciprocal relationship is something that requires 'blame'. When someone doesn't care enough to offer what you want, this only speaks of his limitations rather than of any reflection on you. You'll block yourself from seeing your own value to the degree that you place 'fault' on your inability to manipulate someone into caring more.

    That looks at the wrong stuff: it's all ego. It sets you up to fail while limiting your vision of your intrinsic value to how well you can manipulate an outcome from someone that isn't going to give it to you.

    You can continue to feel lousy by using the wrong lens, or you can shift your perspective to grasp that your only mistake was remaining involved with the wrong guy. Our only GOOD match is someone who owns the capacity to view us through the RIGHT lens and can appreciate our unique value along with us.

    The problem comes when we haven't yet learned to view ourselves through that lens. Trying to date without that vision won't screen out bad matches. It will position you to latch on in an attempt to manipulate them into seeing you through a lens that you don't even yet possess for yourself. It never works!

    We can only find true simpatico with another when we value ourselves enough to walk away from bad matches. There will be more of those than good ones--or what would be so special about love? The goal is to hold out for the RIGHT needle in the haystack, and when we find it, we will know it--and without trying to gaslight ourselves into the continual discomfort of settling for less.

    Originally Posted by irka000
    Better days will come..
    Better days require our participation. They don't come when we allow someone else's faulty lens to reflect our value back to us.

    Walk forward with head high, and trust yourself to reach for higher ground. You'll know when you get there, because your perspective will be liberated from faulty opinion. The dude will become less and less relevant as you become more and more important.

    That's healing, and that's your real platform for love.

  3. #143

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    Fabulous words Catfeeder!

  4. #144
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    Wiseman and Catfeeder, you can't possibly imagine how much I needed to hear those words today.

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  6. #145
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Irka, the more you post about what your friends are telling you, the more I'm shocked and taken aback by them. When I compare my friends to yours....there is no comparison really. It's polar opposite reactions. What my friends and I do for each other is SUPPORT the decisions being made. If one of us dumped some guy, eff him and let's go party and celebrate the occasion. Three cheers to freedom and better men and a better future. One of us got dumped by some guy, eff him and let's go out and do something fun or whatever that friend needs to feel better - be it a shoulder to cry on, company, hate all men drink wine and b and moan session, anything really that will make that person feel better, stronger, more able to move on.

    Your friends sound like true frenemies. Smile in your face and do everything to make you feel awful and questioning your sanity.

    I really really really think you need to step away from these people for awhile. Maybe just join some meetup - hiking, yoga, whatever floats your boat really and just go hang out with different people and distract yourself a bit from all this mess. You need fresh air.....literally and figuratively speaking.

  7. #146
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Your friends sound like true frenemies. Smile in your face and do everything to make you feel awful and questioning your sanity.

    I really really really think you need to step away from these people for awhile. Maybe just join some meetup - hiking, yoga, whatever floats your boat really and just go hang out with different people and distract yourself a bit from all this mess. You need fresh air.....literally and figuratively speaking.
    I agree with all of the above.

    These people are not healthy and supportive friends, OP. They sound dysfunctional and completely lacking in common sense. I would take some time apart from them and work on identifying better candidates for friendships - and put your focus on developing those.

    These current folks are detrimental to your well-being.

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