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Dating after becoming a widow... Too soon?


Helpmesavethis

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Background... known this guy for 9 years. He was a former boss but we no longer work together. We keep in touch and would do lunch and things from time to time. He was married. Wife got ill and after 18 months she passed away in July. They have 2 children together. We went out a few times in a group setting, no big deal and had a good time. He went out with my friends and I a few weeks ago and wound up kissing me at the end of the night. The next day he kept saying he hoped he didn't ruin our friendship or make things awkward between us etc. I assured him no worries and let it go. We saw each other again this past weekend and well.... It became more. We were both drinking etc but he definitely wants to continue having more of a relationship with me than friendship. I adore this guy. He's a great person. I am attracted to him etc but I'm afraid it's too soon after his wife's passing to really become anything... He keeps telling me not to worry about it blah blah blah. I don't want to scare him off by harping on this. I want to let it go but either need reassuring it isn't too soon and is ok or someone to tell me to put the brakes on now and give him more time to cope with the death of his wife. I don't want to just be filling a void in his life temporarily etc. Help!!!

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July is really soon and he has kids. There are some cases where a spouse has been a caregiver to someone with cancer for years and years or another terminal illness and grieved while their spouse was still alive, and were prepared for it. But if his wife got sick more suddenly, i would steer far away. I would explain to him that its too soon for YOU after his wife died (like is say, unless she was bed ridden for years), and tread carefully. You started things too quickly. I would ease up. don't see the kids (its possible you have met them just from working with him of course, and that's fine) - if he wants to go to the movies now and then, fine, but cool it. At least that's my opinion. I don't see this going over well with the kids - i mean its not even been 12 weeks yet!!

 

I can't help but think you saw a vulnerable man and struck so to speak

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I have not instigated anything whatsoever. I keep saying it's too soon. His wife was sick for 18 months before she passed. And that's what he tells me. He said he lost her 18 months ago. He said he knew she was terminal and he prayed for acceptance, not for her to heal. At the funeral home I made the comment I was worried about him holding it all in because he seemed to be handling it so well. He made fun of me (jokingly) for being concerned like that. He says he is ok. He said he misses her but he's ok with it.

 

I do know his children. I have a daughter the same age as his oldest. They have played etc. and I totally agree with not being around the children etc.

 

I have been distant but I do think about him a lot. I have a very busy schedule and we likely wouldn't see each other again for literally over a month. So time to let things chill and that's my plan for now.

 

Thank you for responding.

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It sounds like it's too soon—for you.

 

Whatever the situation, it's a fool's errand to ask another person for assurance that it's not too soon. They'll say whatever they say, and they'll mean it. Do they mean it for only the next week? The next decade? Ultimately, that's kind of always the gamble. And we make that gamble when we meet someone who, for whatever reasons, we trust the time is right to explore the connection without too much angst.

 

That said, I totally understand why you're angsty. Two kids, wife died in July: that is some inconceivable life stuff to me. I'd struggle to hear those simple facts and not see someone in a world of hurt, no matter how the appeared before me.

 

But here he is, before you, engaging with you, not weeping in a forest. So who knows? People deal with big life things differently. Some are legit ready to date a few months after a divorce, while others take 5 years to recover from a 6 month relationship. Being widowed is probably similar: a thing everyone moves forward form differently, at different paces.

 

But you kind of have to go with your gut, rather than ask someone what your gut should feel.

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You're the one I'm worried about, Op: You already seem well smitten far too soon. Best thing you could do for yourself is dial it back a bit. He seems ready for action. What's not clear is if he's ready to emotionally commit or only just date you as well as others. I suspect its clear to him that you are a sure thing so it is easy for him to just jump into it with you.

 

Bottom line, YOU take your time and see what he is ready to be in the same thing you want to be in. What is that you want to be in with him btw, do you know?

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Being widowed is probably similar: a thing everyone moves forward form differently, at different paces.

 

But you kind of have to go with your gut, rather than ask someone what your gut should feel.

 

Among the widows/widowers in my family and friend circle, there may be an initial time in their grief process where they are craving that kind of companionship, but then its common to back very far off - a little fling starts to cross with the reality of the day to day -- the first Halloween they are not dressing the kids up together, the first Thanksgiving she is not sharing it with him, the first Christmas without her and navigating things with his family an his in-laws. He SHOULD go to see them all without a girlfriend - figure out his relationships with all of them - family dynamics can often change . Things start to hit you, and the new flame sometimes gets pushed away, or takes the brunt.

 

 

 

 

I have not instigated anything whatsoever. I keep saying it's too soon. His wife was sick for 18 months before she passed. And that's what he tells me. He said he lost her 18 months ago. He said he knew she was terminal and he prayed for acceptance, not for her to heal. At the funeral home I made the comment I was worried about him holding it all in because he seemed to be handling it so well. He made fun of me (jokingly) for being concerned like that. He says he is ok. He said he misses her but he's ok with it.

 

I do know his children. I have a daughter the same age as his oldest. They have played etc. and I totally agree with not being around the children etc.

 

I have been distant but I do think about him a lot. I have a very busy schedule and we likely wouldn't see each other again for literally over a month. So time to let things chill and that's my plan for now.

 

Thank you for responding.

 

The time to say "too soon" is when he made the first pass at you before he kissed you --- not when you had already slept with him and now are "afraid of scaring him off" If you were worried about two soon, you would have seen him as a group and not lingered, and if he wished to see you, you would have suggested daytime coffee (which could end up being an act of friendship or might grow to something in due time at the appropriate time).

 

He probably is not going to say no to sex.

 

 

You can make it clear that you respect him and you aren't disappearing -- if you really are into this guy you have to play the long game - dial back to "friends" for now. Let the holidays play out. Let the anniversary of her death play out if you are serious

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I honestly don't know, I love him as a person and have for a long time. I haven't ever thought of it being any more than friends.

He's been a great friend for the last 9 years. I knew his wife, not closely but knew her. I feel guilty. Maybe guilty isn't the right word but it's what comes out. Ha After the kiss I let it go, no big deal. He apparently didn't. He is really a great guy and I think I'm more concerned about him jumping in too quick and making it something it's not really... If that make sense. So confusing. 🤦

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All everyone did is reassure me that I am right... I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here for him etc. but as friends like I always have been... Down the road maybe it'll turn into more, maybe not. I appreciate the response. Unfortunately what's happened has happened and I can't take it back but I have control over what happens next on my end. Thanks!!!

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For me, it would be a strong no in getting involved in this way at this time.

Some people act out their grief this way, it's not uncommon. You have to use your own common sense.

I approach this similarly to how I approach a good friend who would hit on me drunk, when otherwise there was no reason to believe there was interest. They are vulnerable, and I don't feel bad being firm in saying no. It's for me, but looking out for them too. After a death of a spouse, same thing. I wouldn't expect them to necessarily be able to make that judgement call.

 

I'll say this too. It would simply go against my own internal values to be with someone so soon after the loss of their spouse. Out of respect. Not everyone feels that way, and that's fine. But if you feel guilty, maybe it's worth thinking about.

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Ha, a guy I used to date messaged me while his girlfriend was still dying. He wanted to line me up so he wouldn't have to do without sex after she died.

 

I doubt (hope not) that the man you're seeing isn't that crass. But still, people come up with lots of ways to avoid grief. Eventually, though, you do have to deal with it.

 

I'd say no thanks to romantic involvement for a good year at least.

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I would be very sceptical of someone who's just lost his wife and seems ready for a new relationship. Yes, people grieve in different ways but I wouldn't like to be used as a crutch no matter what he says. 2 months is nothing. If he really wants you (and not the reassurance of feeling wanted), he'll be your friend and wait. If he doesn't, you'll have your answer.

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Slow this way down. That's in your control. He's lonely and grieving and you know this. It's up to you to call the shots in your own life. Also do not keep badgering him about his recent widowhood. It's not his job to reassure you that you could be taking some risks. Don't drink and get stuck like this then try to backpedal. Just slow your roll from now on.

Wife got ill and after 18 months she passed away in July. We saw each other again this past weekend and well.... It became more. We were both drinking etc. He keeps telling me not to worry about it blah blah blah. I don't want to scare him off by harping on this.
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What was your friendship like when he was married? Obviously you have chemistry with each other, and so how was that handled in your friendship while he was married? Was there flirting going on between you two on these outings? Why did your children play together? Just trying to gauge what boundaries he put in place while taken to know if he'd be a good eventual prospect for you.

 

In my opinion, instead of distracting himself with a new love interest at this time and the effort that takes, he should be concentrating on his children, getting them adapted to a new life without their mother.

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Honestly, nothing ever came across my mind prior to his wife passing. Or even until this past weekend. Ha.

 

We have always been in group settings. We'd have group outings with co- workers and things like that.

 

We've always been close and talked about a lot of things but never overly personal about relationships or anything of the sort.

 

I know he loved his wife. I could be wrong but I highly doubt he ever had any thought about me while he was married as I never had any thought about being with him. I'm actually surprised about it all. I'm completely opposite of him and his wife. I believe I'm just exciting to him because we're so different and that's why he's suddenly into me. I don't see it going anywhere after coming to my senses. I love him as a friend and am able to keep myself at a distance.

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Convenient rationalization. As if her last 18 months didn't count? That remark would disturb me.

 

I know right?? What a weird thing to say. Eek, imagine if you get sick yourself, and in his mind, he's like, "NEXT!"

 

I would question any man who would even be the slightest bit cool or getting involved with someone so quickly after burying his wife. Two widows I know. My bro is a widow, and took 5 years to even be the slightest bit normal about relationships again. And the other, my buddy's mom passed away, and the dad started shacking up with this woman, and now they all are furious with the dad.

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He probably doesn't want to be pitied or have someone walk on eggshells around him either. How devastating is it to lose someone (prolonged goodbye) for 18 months and then be faced with people constantly pitying you because you're a widow with kids, judging you, feeling sorry for your outcome and the rest of your life because of the circumstances. If you're not sure about it, be compassionate enough to be honest with him without pitying him or feeling sorry for his loss. Accept that it's a loss to his family and treat him as an equal. I feel like you started off fine and then things got weird and you started to second guess yourself. In a lot less words and with a lot more tact, I'd keep your distance as you've mentioned you're going to do and take care of yourself.

 

Date other people. You can't feel sorry for someone and love that person as an equal at the same time.

 

I hope your friendship continues and you won't hold back meeting other people as well.

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I wll also say some men who were married a long time or have young kids sometimes try to couple up quickly because they are simply not used to doing things alone. A family friend is a widower and his wife did everything - managed their social calendar, cooked, paid the bills etc, and he was totally lost when she died. Completely and utterly. I mean, of course he had worked (was retired) and had a life, but it was really, really hard. Resist the temptation to jump right in there.

 

You don't need to feel sorry for him - just know that its not the right thing to jump into a physical relationship with someone with kids who you have little in common with

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My biggest concern is he would be distracting himself from the grief he needs to process by jumping into a new relationship. That grief is still there waiting for him and eventually he has to deal with it, or it will deal with him.

 

Imagine being all-in with someone who at a later date, hits the wall. A death of wife, loss of a mother and a family unit is a catastrophic loss. I can't help but feel a little suspect here about what's really going on here.

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