Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 22

Thread: Dating after becoming a widow... Too soon?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    16,361
    For me, it would be a strong no in getting involved in this way at this time.
    Some people act out their grief this way, it's not uncommon. You have to use your own common sense.
    I approach this similarly to how I approach a good friend who would hit on me drunk, when otherwise there was no reason to believe there was interest. They are vulnerable, and I don't feel bad being firm in saying no. It's for me, but looking out for them too. After a death of a spouse, same thing. I wouldn't expect them to necessarily be able to make that judgement call.

    I'll say this too. It would simply go against my own internal values to be with someone so soon after the loss of their spouse. Out of respect. Not everyone feels that way, and that's fine. But if you feel guilty, maybe it's worth thinking about.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    12,244
    Ha, a guy I used to date messaged me while his girlfriend was still dying. He wanted to line me up so he wouldn't have to do without sex after she died.

    I doubt (hope not) that the man you're seeing isn't that crass. But still, people come up with lots of ways to avoid grief. Eventually, though, you do have to deal with it.

    I'd say no thanks to romantic involvement for a good year at least.

  3. #13
    Member Eliza50's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2018
    Posts
    91
    Gender
    Female
    I would be very sceptical of someone who's just lost his wife and seems ready for a new relationship. Yes, people grieve in different ways but I wouldn't like to be used as a crutch no matter what he says. 2 months is nothing. If he really wants you (and not the reassurance of feeling wanted), he'll be your friend and wait. If he doesn't, you'll have your answer.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    35,490
    Gender
    Male
    Slow this way down. That's in your control. He's lonely and grieving and you know this. It's up to you to call the shots in your own life. Also do not keep badgering him about his recent widowhood. It's not his job to reassure you that you could be taking some risks. Don't drink and get stuck like this then try to backpedal. Just slow your roll from now on.
    Originally Posted by Helpmesavethis
    Wife got ill and after 18 months she passed away in July. We saw each other again this past weekend and well.... It became more. We were both drinking etc. He keeps telling me not to worry about it blah blah blah. I don't want to scare him off by harping on this.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    central Florida
    Posts
    3,658
    Gender
    Female
    What was your friendship like when he was married? Obviously you have chemistry with each other, and so how was that handled in your friendship while he was married? Was there flirting going on between you two on these outings? Why did your children play together? Just trying to gauge what boundaries he put in place while taken to know if he'd be a good eventual prospect for you.

    In my opinion, instead of distracting himself with a new love interest at this time and the effort that takes, he should be concentrating on his children, getting them adapted to a new life without their mother.

  7. #16
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    Posts
    321
    Honestly, nothing ever came across my mind prior to his wife passing. Or even until this past weekend. Ha.

    We have always been in group settings. We'd have group outings with co- workers and things like that.

    We've always been close and talked about a lot of things but never overly personal about relationships or anything of the sort.

    I know he loved his wife. I could be wrong but I highly doubt he ever had any thought about me while he was married as I never had any thought about being with him. I'm actually surprised about it all. I'm completely opposite of him and his wife. I believe I'm just exciting to him because we're so different and that's why he's suddenly into me. I don't see it going anywhere after coming to my senses. I love him as a friend and am able to keep myself at a distance.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    35,490
    Gender
    Male
    It sounds like the perfect storm.
    Originally Posted by Helpmesavethis
    I'm completely opposite of him and his wife. I believe I'm just exciting to him because we're so different and that's why he's suddenly into me. I love him as a friend and am able to keep myself at a distance.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    10,349
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Helpmesavethis
    His wife was sick for 18 months before she passed. And that's what he tells me. He said he lost her 18 months ago. .
    Convenient rationalization. As if her last 18 months didn't count? That remark would disturb me.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    4,544
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Convenient rationalization. As if her last 18 months didn't count? That remark would disturb me.
    I know right?? What a weird thing to say. Eek, imagine if you get sick yourself, and in his mind, he's like, "NEXT!"

    I would question any man who would even be the slightest bit cool or getting involved with someone so quickly after burying his wife. Two widows I know. My bro is a widow, and took 5 years to even be the slightest bit normal about relationships again. And the other, my buddy's mom passed away, and the dad started shacking up with this woman, and now they all are furious with the dad.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    2,699
    Gender
    Female
    He probably doesn't want to be pitied or have someone walk on eggshells around him either. How devastating is it to lose someone (prolonged goodbye) for 18 months and then be faced with people constantly pitying you because you're a widow with kids, judging you, feeling sorry for your outcome and the rest of your life because of the circumstances. If you're not sure about it, be compassionate enough to be honest with him without pitying him or feeling sorry for his loss. Accept that it's a loss to his family and treat him as an equal. I feel like you started off fine and then things got weird and you started to second guess yourself. In a lot less words and with a lot more tact, I'd keep your distance as you've mentioned you're going to do and take care of yourself.

    Date other people. You can't feel sorry for someone and love that person as an equal at the same time.

    I hope your friendship continues and you won't hold back meeting other people as well.

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •