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Thread: Am I being too sensitive for feeling BF is losing interest?

  1. #1
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    Am I being too sensitive for feeling BF is losing interest?

    My BF just got back from a long European trip last week. During this time apart we actually felt closer to each other, we realized we missed each other a lot and we were certain we wanted each other in our lives. However, now that he's back, I didnt feel the closeness I thought I would feel. He isnt being as sweet as I thought he would be.

    First, we've been together for 6 months and havent said the L word. Because he values this word heavily. When he was away, he actually said he felt it, along with lots of other sentimental things too. I was really happy to hear them and thought he'd say ILY when he's back. But that didnt happen. In fact he hasnt said anything about how he feels to me after he's back.
    Second, when he was away, he told me he missed me and that we should spend more time together after he's back. Then we agreed to start spending whole weekends together. But now that he's back, he just told me he's gonna catch up with friends on the weekend...(He did spend four days with me straight after he landed. But I thought we'd continue spending the following weekends together, and that doesnt seem like the case)

    Normally these things arent a problem for me, I dont need the validation of "ILY" nor I want to cling on him and not allow him to social with friends. But I suppose his words and confessions while he was away got my hopes up but the reality didnt go as I expected so I start to wonder "has his feelings changed now?". Or, does it simply mean "he's still sick from the jet lag. And I havent given him enough time to live up to his promises yet"?

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    He did spend four days with me straight after he landed. But I thought we'd continue spending the following weekends together, and that doesnt seem like the case)

    if he was with you four days straight after he got back, cut him some slack. He said he would spend more time with you -- and 4 straight days is a heckuva a lot of spending time. he was out of the country and has other people that have been in his life he would like to catch up with. he saw you first thing when he got back. That counts for something.


    I dont need the validation of "ILY" nor I want to cling on him and not allow him to social with friends.

    You do and you might potentially do so. The fact that you "got your hopes up" tells me that now all you will do is analyze if he says it or not, work yourself up and be ready to dump him if he doesn't in 7 days. Actually, what exactly did he say about "feeling love" ?

    He will say it when he is ready. Don't give it a deadline. It took my guy a year to say it because he just didn't know when the right time was. He let you know that he doesn't use the word lightly.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    You were stressed while he was gone (thought he'd meet someone on a tour bus or something) and you're stressed now that he's back.

    Have you considered just enjoying your relationship? Why do you keep placing all these qualifiers or requirements on him and your relationship? Why do you seem to be unable to just relax? What has he done to you to make you so anxious?

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    He spent four days with you straight after he'd landed. That doesn't sound AT ALL like he's losing interest...! However, he hasn't had a chance to catch up with his friends yet, and it's perfectly reasonable that he wants to do so.

    This has nothing whatsoever to do with his feelings for you.

    I think a deeper problem, though, is that you need a guy who's a lot more demonstrative than he is. You say
    Normally these things aren't a problem for me, I dont need the validation of "ILY" nor I want to cling on him and not allow him to social with friends.
    but I get the feeling that you're actually very disappointed that the closeness you experienced when he was away has not translated into everyday life.

    Rather than waiting for him to 'live up to his promises', you need to focus on other areas of your life, spend more time with friends or engaged in things which interest you, so that you don't look to him to be the source of all the good things in your life. He may never live up to the promises which you feel that he made, and if you want to continue this relationship you need to be happy with that. This is who he is.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    These are always hard to answer.

    I mean, you do sound awfully sensitive, but I don't get the feeling that's a new thing here. Something about being with him—or is it romance in general?—has you wound pretty tight. When you can wind tightly around something sweet—four days together, some nice banter while he's away—you're good. But if that sweetness dips just a hair—well, white knuckles, anxieties, the spin cycle of questioning.

    I say try to drop the expectations and see if you can enjoy him for who he is, right now, and what you guys have, right now. If that's not possible, for whatever reason, it really doesn't matter what the feelings thermometer would read if it was stuck under either of your tongues. Edginess and expectations are generally the roadblocks to connection, so connections that trigger them are connections that generally can only go so far.

    Something to remember: his job, as a person on earth, is not to love you. Nor is yours to love him. It's to be yourselves, and see if you can be yourselves, and feel like yourselves, alongside each other. The cozier you can get with those facts the cozier you can get in these moments of uncertainty.

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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Why do you seem to be unable to just relax? What has he done to you to make you so anxious?
    I keep asking myself "should I just relax" but for some reason I worry if I relax he will slip away? Of course I know it's actually the opposite. But I get anxious so easily. I think because I want to be perfect and makes no mistakes in my relationships. Like I constantly worry " Am I too needy now"

  8. #7
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by h0000
    I keep asking myself "should I just relax" but for some reason I worry if I relax he will slip away? Of course I know it's actually the opposite. But I get anxious so easily. I think because I want to be perfect and makes no mistakes in my relationships. Like I constantly worry " Am I too needy now"
    What treatment are you currently receiving for your anxiety?

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    well Im not seeing professionals atm because it's not like I have days or weeks that I get so anxious and I cant function..

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by h0000
    I keep asking myself "should I just relax" but for some reason I worry if I relax he will slip away? Of course I know it's actually the opposite. But I get anxious so easily. I think because I want to be perfect and makes no mistakes in my relationships. Like I constantly worry " Am I too needy now"
    Well this, from one angle, is what "not functioning" looks like in a relationship. If this is a way you tend to feel in romance, I would take it seriously as something to explore and get a handle on. If this is how you feel with him, I would also take it seriously as something to explore. A mark of being compatible with someone is that we don't feel like they're slipping away, not that we are constantly worried they are.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Well this, from one angle, is what "not functioning" looks like in a relationship. If this is a way you tend to feel in romance, I would take it seriously as something to explore and get a handle on. If this is how you feel with him, I would also take it seriously as something to explore. A mark of being compatible with someone is that we don't feel like they're slipping away, not that we are constantly worried they are.
    You are also revolving far too much around him if you are paralyzed so badly when he goes, and when he comes back. hang out with your own friends

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