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Thread: Am I being too sensitive for feeling BF is losing interest?

  1. #31
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Can I ask how old you are?

    I get the impression that you think this is kind of cute—the butterflies of love, and so on—but what you're describing is actually a kind of blockage from love, a kind that only goes so deep. Panic, nerves, doubts: these are not symptoms of love, affection, a special bond. They are the opposite, a kind of self-absorption that prevents us from absorbing another.

    Thing is, we can easily trick ourselves to believe otherwise. And if we play that trick on ourselves we do ourselves a major disservice by creating a system in which we seek to validate these feelings, mistaking drama for depth.

    I like thrills too, believe me. I like the sound of champagne opening when it's still daylight, so I always have a bottle in the fridge. I like leaning into corners on my motorcycle so hard that the pavement is a few inches from my face, and so I've made that a moment that happens when I'm just running out for some paper towels. But I wouldn't find it particularly thrilling to be constantly worrying if my girlfriend is "into" me or not; in fact, trusting that she is, and being in that, makes those moments on the motorcycle feel mundane in comparison. And if I had a sense that she was spending her time away from me in a state of panic—well, I've been there. It gets exhausting.

    It's impossible for us to tell, here in the bleacher seats, if you've got a boyfriend is who lukewarm on you or if you're hardwired to need someone is red hot (and who you have eyes on 24/7) in order to be happy. Regardless, these are not sustainable states—not in romance, not in our own skin. Show me a man who is professing love after 90 days and sharing keys with you after another 90 and I'll show you a man who has some serious issues—and a form of romance that doesn't feel like floating above the pavement but losing control and skidding across it.

    Something to think about, or not, as you see fit.

  2. #32
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    Originally Posted by h0000
    I get disappointed sometimes. Like now.

    Well the other poster just asked me what I'm having VS what I wish I was having. So there is my wish. Im not sure if he's trying to tell me to dump him and only go after my wish.
    Yes, your "wish" is telling -even as a fantasy it's interesting because you want to hear I love you at the speed of light, want him to be crazy for you -so if he is crazy about you that's enough for you -you don't need to be crazy about him? What if he believes in waiting to say I love you until it's closer to 6 months or a year even though he feels it -he feels "crazy" about you but also wants long term over crash and burn risks?
    Don't "go after" anything. It's not a race or a contest or a prize. You're wanting to connect with a human being who is potentially your match for life, in marriage. For that you need both head and heart involved and not to look at marriage as some sort of prize for the lucky, or some sort of thrill ride of sweet words and playing house and planning a party. My husband fixed the cable box today because he's so much more patient than me and more tech savvy. It wasn't thrilling. But it was loving and caring because he procrastinates and he stopped what he was doing without any complaints and fixed it. This morning I helped him write a complaint email to a chain store, and yesterday I made sure he had a clean bath towel and laundered the used on And on Monday he spent over an hour doing the torture work of helping our son prepare for a math test while I kept my headphones in in the kitchen to avoid the temptation to interject suggestions on how to stop the bickering. He came to me after and quietly apologized for raising his voice and getting frustrated. Because I'd not interjected so he felt safe to share that with me.

    That's part of real life. It's not thrilling. Is he crazy about me? He once was I know and I was completely over the moon about him and yes those feelings revive, reinvigorate and no I'm not living in a state of over the moon constant bliss. Neither is he I'm sure -and I don't need to ask him cause it's not important to me. Real life and loving as giving and shared laughter and being invested in keeping the spark going even if it's sometimes just embers -that's what's important. It's not about chasing him or him chasing me or twisting myself in a pretzel "does he love me???". That's exhausting. And maybe more thrilling for those who like the thrill of the chase.
    Don't "dump" anyone. Separate from those who are not your match. Who don't want what you want. But get real here. Go for the thrilling part too -head in the clouds but feet solidly on the ground. I don't think you're focused enough on the grounded part.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Surely (hopefully) you're kidding because this timeline is frightening. It sounds desperate at best, like you just need a Ken doll in your doll house, lol.

    Strive for one foot in front of the other and get rid of these milestones ( he said, we did, he mentioned, we talked, etc). Next time consider that talk is meaningless without action. That means "talking about what we both want" is nonsense as you learned. What you both want is nebulous when you meet . It is formed through action.

    That means dating and seeing each other in a variety of contexts over time to see if there is a good fit. It's not about "In the moment" and hopeless romantics. That is for the doll houses and barbie and ken, not real life. Also stop watching reality shows that depict this type of nonsense.
    Originally Posted by h0000
    move in after 6 and marry after 12 and happy ever after lol unfortunately if I pursue this I may be single forever

  4. #34
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by h0000
    Well of course we are exclusive.. met the parents and everything.. we talk everyday, see each other 2-3 times a week.4 months together, 1 month apart now going into 6th. That’s all the details.

    What kind of relationship I want? Well find someone who is crazy for me and say ILY in 3 months and move in after 6 and marry after 12 and happy ever after lol unfortunately if I pursue this I may be single forever
    You forgot "divorced at 18". Because that's what you'd end up with by rushing to find some male human you can call "boyfriend ", "fiance" and then "husband" (followed by "ex husband").

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    There are two hims. Your fantasy of him and the real him.

  7. #36
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Wow. That's the fast track.
    Originally Posted by h0000
    What kind of relationship I want? Well find someone who is crazy for me and say ILY in 3 months and move in after 6 and marry after 12 and happy ever after lol unfortunately if I pursue this I may be single forever

  8. #37
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by h0000
    Well of course we are exclusive.. met the parents and everything.. we talk everyday, see each other 2-3 times a week.4 months together, 1 month apart now going into 6th. That’s all the details.

    What kind of relationship I want? Well find someone who is crazy for me and say ILY in 3 months and move in after 6 and marry after 12 and happy ever after lol unfortunately if I pursue this I may be single forever
    Honestly, OP, you sound super needy. Why? Do you expect this level of attention from everyone in your life?

    Its very draining to be in any kind of relationship with someone with such dire needs. A partner, a friend, anyone has their own life to lead, too.

    4 days together is a good amount and he does have other people in his life to see, especially, if he was gone for awhile.

    And your timeline. wow. You sound like you are more interested in just having the labels, but not the true feelings and commitment that take time and work. The actual real life, day to day aspects of a serious relationship.

    Anyone willing to commit in your timeframe, has no options. And honestly, what would make you so great that anyone normal would do that? That's like Liz Taylor level crap. ha.

    Some people are so needy, the jump in with someone too fast and then they are either trapped financially and or emotionally or worse. 3 months to ILY, can happen. Sure but its pretty superficial. How well can you know someone in one season?

    And it takes at least a year to really know a person. How they cope with stress, problems, the mundane aspects of life.

    I think your heads in the clouds. Why can't you just enjoy having a good guy in your life?

    Spend some time reading posts here about people jumping in to living together or marriage. Its easy to commit, hard to untangle.

    And therapy isnt just for people who can't deal. Talking to an unbiased, professional, trained to give you tools on how to cope with feelings is something anyone can use. It would actually be a nice gift to yourself and the people in your life.

  9. #38
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    This guy chose to be in a relationship with you. Assume that he's with you because of how amazing you are and what you bring to the table. Get to know him, let things unfold naturally. Saying ILY in a "timely" manner means nothing. Some men verbally profess their undying love to their partner (imagine a beautifully written sonnet), but cheat, deceive and abuse them. How is he treating you? From what I've been reading, he's so far been treating you nicely. Savour this! A good vibe is contagious.

    As a side note: You might want to explore why it's so important for you that he says ILY in a particular timeframe or you guys marry after a specific amount of months. It feels to me that you're seeking something so you're finally at peace.
    Last edited by greendots; 06-18-2020 at 12:31 AM.

  10. #39
    I think it is a bit too soon to tell. You both just got back from spending 4 days together. Maybe he does really want some time to himself to live his life. You have to remember you both have your own lives separate from this relationship. Just because two people are together doesn't mean they need to spend every waking moment together. It's okay for him to go out with his friends, it's okay for him to catch a break. I'd cut him some slack. Give him the benefit of doubt. Us women are emotional creatures. Some of us tend to overthink situations especially when we really like a guy. Sometimes we analyze them a bit much and tend to screw ourselves over. Don't let this get to you. Support his space, it will show him that you're the understanding type and he'll be able to talk to you about anything and see you often. Guys tend to find that attractive, less nagging, less clingy and more secure with themselves.

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