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Thread: Am I being too sensitive for feeling BF is losing interest?

  1. #11
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    Perfection is boring. Making no mistakes makes the other person feel they can’t either. Seeing someone make a mistake is part of being close. Real people make mistakes and people who want intimacy want to be with real people. They want to be able to show the other person they messed up but they want to make it right. I’m not referring to what most people would consider dealbreaker level mistakes. I mean things that are annoying or flaky or seem to be thoughtless. Love is about giving. And it’s also about giving the other person a chance to see your vulnerabilities.

  2. 09-30-2019, 08:19 PM

  3. #12
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    what about mistake like "acting insecure/needy/clingy/naggy"..

  4. #13
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by h0000
    what about mistake like "acting insecure/needy/clingy/naggy"..
    Those aren't "mistakes". Those are behavioral issues.

    And since you won't seek help for those issues they will continue.

    You could end up causing the very thing you're trying to prevent...he'll get tired of reassuring you and he'll give up.

    And before you say you are really, really good at hiding your anxiety and fear from him...I can assure you he knows. Maybe not the full extent, but he's picked up on it unless he's completely oblivious.

    Your choice if you want to try to find a solution or continue on as you are.

  5. #14
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    Originally Posted by h0000
    what about mistake like "acting insecure/needy/clingy/naggy"..
    I agree -that's not a mistake. That's a choice as to how to react to feeling insecure or needy. That's a choice not to get to the root of why you're so often triggered in this relationship and instead acting out in basically a self-sabotaging way.

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  7. #15
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    When you can wind tightly around something sweet—four days together, some nice banter while he's away—you're good. But if that sweetness dips just a hair—well, white knuckles, anxieties, the spin cycle of questioning.
    .
    Yes. If patterns change, I get anxious and start to feel the guy is losing interest..I cant tell the difference between "life got in the way" or "he's pulling away". If I have an issue, what a "healthy" person would do in those situations?

  8. #16
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    Originally Posted by h0000
    Yes. If patterns change, I get anxious and start to feel the guy is losing interest..I cant tell the difference between "life got in the way" or "he's pulling away". If I have an issue, what a "healthy" person would do in those situations?
    What would a healthy person do? They would be involved in their job, family and hobbies just like their significant other is. They won't be sitting at home wondering what the other person is doing every moment. They will be working, catching up with a friend, reading, volunteering, giving moral support to a sibling at their audition etc, and when the boyfriend calls, you will be delighted to take that quick break in your activity to say hi. They would plan dates and would be looking forward to them instead of sitting at home the 3 days in between seeing their boyfriend wondering if he is pulling away

  9. #17
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    Your anxiety is going to destroy this relationship if you don't learn to manage it, OP.

  10. #18
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    What would a healthy person do? They would be involved in their job, family and hobbies just like their significant other is. They won't be sitting at home wondering what the other person is doing every moment. They will be working, catching up with a friend, reading, volunteering, giving moral support to a sibling at their audition etc, and when the boyfriend calls, you will be delighted to take that quick break in your activity to say hi. They would plan dates and would be looking forward to them instead of sitting at home the 3 days in between seeing their boyfriend wondering if he is pulling away
    I agree with this. Also a reasonably secure person (which you achieve as suggested in what I quoted) in a relationship that has a reasonably secure foundation, would not react to or even notice changes in "patterns" or if there was a change the go to thought would not be "is it me" but rather "I hope he's ok/feeling well". Like, take my 10 year old son -he sees me get angry with his behavior, he sees me take a time out where I leave him and go into another room to exhale and compose, and sure he'll sometimes put a paper airplane under the door that says "I'm sorry" but he's not truly worried that I don't love him anymore or that I'm never coming out. He doesn't need that level of reassurance because he has the core knowledge and feeling that I love him and am there for him in general.

    Also -this is key - I tell him when I need space -I tell my husband this too as in "I'm not ignoring you -just need my me time right now" - and no, not every time but I have a sense that I don't want the people I'm in important relationships with to be concerned so I don't go completely MIA or act completely out of character which could trigger worry/concern.

    So I wouldn't date someone -or be close friends with someone -who thought it was ok to go MIA on me without letting me know in advance. I had a close friend who would do this. And as a result after it happened once or twice I distanced myself and don't share the same level of personal stuff because it's hurtful to me if she suddenly doesn't respond for a month or more. On the other hand if I choose to be in a close relationship with someone then I will communicate my needs for reliability, a response, etc - I do this with my husband because I'm committed to him. It's worth it to me to communicate to him what I need in terms of responses/communication.
    But I am confident in myself that I'm not being overly clingy or needy with such requests. For example, when he is on a business trip or at a business dinner I never text him except if it's an emergency. Never ask him to check in - I ask him to leave his itinerary which he does. And he does check in on his own time but not because I ask. Because I want him to focus on his work and also enjoy his me-time if he gets some -it's not all about me. You seem to be a bit too much "what about me" -doesn't he want to know how I am doing, doesn't he want me to know how much he cares by staying in close touch?" That gets to be self-absorbed, clingy - the opposite of loving as giving.

  11. #19
    Silver Member kim42's Avatar
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    Do you have any friends or hobbies? Keep yourself busy, hang out with other people, i's not healthy to cling on to someone like this. He spent 4 days with you, no need to over-analyze his words.

  12. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like the relationship as a whole is not where you hoped it would be after 6 mos. Have you had the exclusive talk? How often do you see each each other? You can hang on wishing and hoping he develops feelings for you or better yet, you can stop fooling yourself and cut your losses. Come on, you are not ok being with someone who can't tell you this and obviously doesn't feel anything after 6 mos?

    What kind of dates/relationship do you have as opposed to what you wish were happening? Perhaps he's just not that into you. After 6 mos don't settle for cold and lame and convince yourself you are "the cool gf" who "doesn't need labels". 6 mos is long enough to know what's happening and this seems to be where he is at with you.
    Originally Posted by h0000
    we've been together for 6 months and havent said the L word. we agreed to start spending whole weekends together. But now that he's back, he just told me he's gonna catch up with friends on the weekend.

    Normally these things arent a problem for me, I dont need the validation of "ILY" nor I want to cling on him and not allow him to social with friends.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 10-01-2019 at 10:37 AM.

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