Narcissist or normal?

This is my first post but I’m desperate for advice from anyone who has been through similar.

I recently split from my ex of 9 months.

We’ve had disagreements on occasions, always over what I think is trivial and he makes into something big. By ignoring me. Dumping me. Insisting it’s over. Blocking me. Until I beg and apologise even though it’s nothing major. He eventually takes me back. The longest it’s been is 9 days. However this time I’m now into the 5th week. I guess why I keep trying is because he has done it so many times before and each time we have worked it out.

Well I say worked it out. I’ve begged forgiveness. We have a brief conversation. Usually by this point I’m so glad to have him back that I don’t tell him what I want to say, so I just apologise and he tells me what I’ve done wrong. I’ve always changed things he hasn’t liked.

This break up we didn’t even argue. He has a child who he says I’ve been brilliant with. But we weren’t getting much time alone. He was always having to work at his family business and I was getting frustrated. After time away with his child. I asked for quality time. He kicked off saying we’ve just had a week away with my son. I didn’t say anything. I thought he’s taken that the wrong way. Being in a fairly new relationship I thought we needed some time alone to bond. When we were away his reaction was pretty sharp on times to certain things. He stormed off. He text me that afternoon a nice message. I couldn’t reply due to seeing family. I text him the next morning and he had obviously taken a huff. Little did I know that it would be over after that! I’m heartbroken. Or had no real closure. He refuses to face me and talk. I’ve looked up traits of a narcissist and it sounds like him. Is he one?

Or is he suffering depression? Anger issues? Help!! There’s a lot more to explain I suppose but hard to put it all on here.

It kind of sounds like he was not as into you as you were into him... that you pushed really hard for him to be in the type of relationship that he either wasn’t ready for or didn’t want with you.

It seems like he has been trying to break up with you for awhile and then he feels sorry for you when you chase him down and beg him to take you back.

I think you are worth more than this... chasing some dude for crumbs of his time and attention... please consider investing time in activities that build your self esteem instead of lowering it.

Can I ask how old you guys are?

You can go down this diagnostic path, but it'll only get you so far before you're tripping over your feet. After all, you're only here because of behavior that a lot women would have just written off as childish was behavior that triggered something different in you: the begging, the pleading, the prostrating, the shape-shifting to accommodate him.

In your shoes right now I think trying to find a diagnosis for that would be far more beneficial to you than turning him into the most interesting psychology experiment on the planet. A good place to start might be blasting Offspring's "Low Self-Esteem" at a very high volume. Great song when you're hurting, with no shortage of wisdom tucked inside the lyrics.

Don't look for a psychiatric diagnosis for his ill behaviour. This is a bit weird and just shows how insecure you are with yourself. Just focus on why you're so taken in with a man who is hot/cold towards you. Be at peace with your own decisions, raise your self-confidence levels, mingle around people who don't put you down or grind your self-worth into the ground. You are not his warden or his keeper or his mother and you shouldn't be walking on eggshells. You should be on equal terms with him. Please have a little self-respect and get yourself out of this gutter.

He told me I was the love of his life. He spoke of kids and marriage, he brought it up not me.

When we get back he is always sorry. His family and friends say this is the way he is towards everyone.

He told me I was the love of his life. He spoke of kids and marriage, he brought it up not me.

When we get back he is always sorry. His family and friends say this is the way he is towards everyone.

Until the next time.

When you imagine your ideal love relationship, does it include the awful things he says and does?

Why do you think this is what love looks like?

This is my first post but I’m desperate for advice from anyone who has been through similar.

I recently split from my ex of 9 months.

We’ve had disagreements on occasions, always over what I think is trivial and he makes into something big. By ignoring me. Dumping me. Insisting it’s over. Blocking me. Until I beg and apologise even though it’s nothing major. He eventually takes me back. The longest it’s been is 9 days. However this time I’m now into the 5th week. I guess why I keep trying is because he has done it so many times before and each time we have worked it out.

Well I say worked it out. I’ve begged forgiveness. We have a brief conversation. Usually by this point I’m so glad to have him back that I don’t tell him what I want to say, so I just apologise and he tells me what I’ve done wrong. I’ve always changed things he hasn’t liked.

This break up we didn’t even argue. He has a child who he says I’ve been brilliant with. But we weren’t getting much time alone. He was always having to work at his family business and I was getting frustrated. After time away with his child. I asked for quality time. He kicked off saying we’ve just had a week away with my son. I didn’t say anything. I thought he’s taken that the wrong way. Being in a fairly new relationship I thought we needed some time alone to bond. When we were away his reaction was pretty sharp on times to certain things. He stormed off. He text me that afternoon a nice message. I couldn’t reply due to seeing family. I text him the next morning and he had obviously taken a huff. Little did I know that it would be over after that! I’m heartbroken. Or had no real closure. He refuses to face me and talk. I’ve looked up traits of a narcissist and it sounds like him. Is he one?

Or is he suffering depression? Anger issues? Help!! There’s a lot more to explain I suppose but hard to put it all on here.

Can I ask how old you guys are?

 

You can go down this diagnostic path, but it'll only get you so far before you're tripping over your feet. After all, you're only here because of behavior that a lot women would have just written off as childish was behavior that triggered something different in you: the begging, the pleading, the prostrating, the shape-shifting to accommodate him.

 

In your shoes right now I think trying to find a diagnosis for that would be far more beneficial to you than turning him into the most interesting psychology experiment on the planet. A good place to start might be blasting Offspring's "Low Self-Esteem" at a very high volume. Great song when you're hurting, with no shortage of wisdom tucked inside the lyrics.

We are 37 and 39!! He is very deep. Makes him seem secretive. I just don’t want to write him off if he has this condition as I’d feel sorry for him. I know he has down the same in last relationships and Buries his head in the sand rather than talk.

I love him and he has been amazing in times so it’s hard.

Until the next time.

 

When you imagine your ideal love relationship, does it include the awful things he says and does?

 

Why do you think this is what love looks like?

I know. But to me it has been love. He’s

Told me he loves me and I believed him. and I appreciate all people are different and act different. So I’ve put it down to that. Maybe I am being naive.

It kind of sounds like he was not as into you as you were into him... that you pushed really hard for him to be in the type of relationship that he either wasn’t ready for or didn’t want with you.

 

It seems like he has been trying to break up with you for awhile and then he feels sorry for you when you chase him down and beg him to take you back.

 

I think you are worth more than this... chasing some dude for crumbs of his time and attention... please consider investing time in activities that build your self esteem instead of lowering it.

He told me I was the love of his life. He spoke of kids and marriage, he brought it up not me.

When we get back he is always sorry. His family and friends say this is the way he is towards everyone.

I know. But to me it has been love. He’s

Told me he loves me and I believed him. and I appreciate all people are different and act different. So I’ve put it down to that. Maybe I am being naive.

That's too bad.

It's sad that you believe this is what love is. I wonder what happened to you that you accept so little for yourself.

He'll keep coming back as long as you keep accepting his poor treatment of you.

That's too bad.

 

It's sad that you believe this is what love is. I wonder what happened to you that you accept so little for yourself.

 

He'll keep coming back as long as you keep accepting his poor treatment of you.

He never sees wrong in himself.

Always puts blame on others. His dad tragically died when he was young so I’ve put some of his ways down to not dealing properly with this.

I just don’t want to write him off if he has this condition as I’d feel sorry for him..

If he was a narcissist, he's the last person you should pity.

It's not a condition, it's a disorder. Disorders don't change.

He never sees wrong in himself.

Always puts blame on others. His dad tragically died when he was young so I’ve put some of his ways down to not dealing properly with this.

Hm, I know lots of people who lost their parents at a young age. Me included.

I don't treat people the way he does.

I presume you want to reconcile with this man?

I know. But to me it has been love. He’s

Told me he loves me and I believed him. and I appreciate all people are different and act different. So I’ve put it down to that. Maybe I am being naive.

Ya think you are being just a tiny bit naive and completely desperate, stage 5 clinger? I mean if I told you that I have ocean front property in Arizona for sale, would you believe me too? Come on, lady, wake up. You cannot be this foolish, but you are this desperate....or just trolling....I don't even know to be honest. Your attitude is too absurd.

Dude dumps you, but since you don't believe it's for the right reasons, you go get him back.....and you are accusing him of being narcissistic? You might want to take a real good long look at yourself first. You've got some serious issues. Sorry for being blunt, but you need to hear it.

What you call deep I call damage. Not trying to win an argument, just telling you what I see. My personal definition of "deep"? People who face their own damage, head on, and learn to live alongside it with grace rather than be lead around by it like a pound puppy.

My dad did drugs, straight-up ghosted me at a vulnerable juncture in life. I won't give the details, not because I'm shy about them, but they're too easy to trot out for sympathy. Point being, I've got sob stories. But I suspect that if I acted the way he's acting with my girlfriend she'd choose, quick, to no longer be my girlfriend. And that right there? It's what I love about her, among other things.

If this is what you want love to look like—well, then you're golden. You've got it. If you want it to look differently, and maybe feel as deep as you think he is? Well, then you're going to have to face some of your own demons head on.

We are 37 and 39!! He is very deep. Makes him seem secretive. I just don’t want to write him off if he has this condition as I’d feel sorry for him. I know he has down the same in last relationships and Buries his head in the sand rather than talk.

I love him and he has been amazing in times so it’s hard.

This is almost a shopping list of red flags! If you were to stop romanticising all the above, it translates as follows:

He is very deep. Makes him seem secretive = he is a poor communicator

Buries his head in the sand rather than talk = " " " "

I don't want to write him off if he has this condition = I'm going to hang around despite knowing that this is the way it will always be

...as I'd feel sorry for him = I need to feel needed

For what it's worth, he doesn't actually sound like a narcissist.

He does sound like an immature drama queen, incapable of open, honest communication. Rather than trying to figure out what's wrong with him, you need to accept that he doesn't want you in his life any more, and doesn't want to discuss it with you. Sorry to sound harsh, but you really need to focus on being kind to yourself, letting go of your dream that this guy was ever going to be what you wanted him to be - and move on with your life.

And if you ever get into another relationship where the guy dumps you as a means of punishing you - take him at his word, and RUN LIKE THE WIND. Because that's a relationship which is never going to work.

Yes he’s a narcissist...

Ok now what?

Serious question.

Even if we had the capability of diagnosing someone based on a few paragraphs, what would that do?

You still want him back right?

Is that not the real issue?

 

 

And if you ever get into another relationship where the guy dumps you as a means of punishing you - take him at his word, and RUN LIKE THE WIND. Because that's a relationship which is never going to work.

. .And you've been rewarding him for his bad behavior all along, so you are partly responsible for this dynamic.

Why does he push you away and punish you? Because it works.

There is nothing loving going on here. This is dysfunction at it's finest.

He told me I was the love of his life. He spoke of kids and marriage, he brought it up not me.

When we get back he is always sorry. His family and friends say this is the way he is towards everyone.

Did he speak of having kids with you specifically? Marrying you, specifically? Or just in general that he wants to get married and have more kids one day... and you took that to mean he wants them with you?

I’m sorry but so far I am not getting how you are the love of his life when he keeps trying to break up with you...based on what you described it seems like the only reason you guys are even together is because you beg and plead until he feels bad and takes you back.

Hm, I know lots of people who lost their parents at a young age. Me included.

 

I don't treat people the way he does.

 

I presume you want to reconcile with this man?

He’s that’s true I have another friend who did and she doesn’t act this way. It’s not just me he is like it to. And I guess that why I worry about him. He can be lovely. We’ve had lovely times.

I would like to get back because I do love him.

Ya think you are being just a tiny bit naive and completely desperate, stage 5 clinger? I mean if I told you that I have ocean front property in Arizona for sale, would you believe me too? Come on, lady, wake up. You cannot be this foolish, but you are this desperate....or just trolling....I don't even know to be honest. Your attitude is too absurd.

 

Dude dumps you, but since you don't believe it's for the right reasons, you go get him back.....and you are accusing him of being narcissistic? You might want to take a real good long look at yourself first. You've got some serious issues. Sorry for being blunt, but you need to hear it.

No I don’t think it’s the right reasons as he’s done it before and says things in anger. He’s done it in past relationships and with family. So I’m not being b a clinger. we’ve had amazing times and he An be lovely.

Sorry but I’m no narcissist! I communicate, I have empathy, i accept blame and am prepared to change! I don’t speak down to people like you do.

Did he speak of having kids with you specifically? Marrying you, specifically? Or just in general that he wants to get married and have more kids one day... and you took that to mean he wants them with you?

 

I’m sorry but so far I am not getting how you are the love of his life when he keeps trying to break up with you...based on what you described it seems like the only reason you guys are even together is because you beg and plead until he feels bad and takes you back.

Lol no actually he stays he wanted kids and marriage with me!

Lol no actually he stays he wanted kids and marriage with me!

But he also breaks up with you frequently.

Are you asking for advice on how to get him back? Because if so, you already know...beg, plead, accept all the blame and apologize. Do the same thing the next time too.

Sorry to hear this. Don't bother with complex diagnoses when it's simply incompatibility. Also you seem to have a lot rages about his family, work and child,

alternating with acting like a doormat. Neither of those are good and luckily it's only been 36 weeks that you've wasted on this toxic dynamic.

Go no contact for good. Delete and block him and leave him alone. Stop chasing him. Skip the on/off nonsense and date men you are more compatible with. Therapy could help you stabilize your emotions, improve your self-esteem and help you explore why you put yourself in this toxic dynamic.

By ignoring me. Dumping me. Insisting it’s over. Blocking me. Until I beg and apologise even though it’s nothing major. He eventually takes me back. He refuses to face me and talk.

Sorry to hear this. Don't bother with complex diagnoses when it's simply incompatibility. Also you seem to have a lot rages about his family, work and child,

alternating with acting like a doormat. Neither of those are good and luckily it's only been 36 weeks that you've wasted on this toxic dynamic.

 

Go no contact for good. Delete and block him and leave him alone. Stop chasing him. Skip the on/off nonsense and date men you are more compatible with. Therapy could help you stabilize your emotions, improve your self-esteem and help you explore why you put yourself in this toxic dynamic.

Not sure where you get that I have rages about his family, work and child? I love and get on very well with both his family and child! His family have actually helped me through this. Stablise my emotions? what being upset because i've lost a man I love. Thats called normal!