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Thread: 14 Years Together - Childhood Sweethearts - Breakup im the dumpee

  1. #1

    14 Years Together - Childhood Sweethearts - Breakup im the dumpee

    hi guys im new to the forum and looking for advise.

    im the male she is the female in our relationship, we were 13(her) and 15(me) when we met, and we have been together ever since for a total of 14 years, we loved each other so much we had plans for a future etc, about 8 years in I started following a different career which didn't work out, and I struggled to gain traction on a new venture, she is a hard worker, she owns our house due to me not being in a position to be able to get a mortgage, but the dynamic worked, 4 years ago I had a weak moment and slept with another woman, causing extreme guilt and I told her, she had a holiday booked so we agreed we can resolve it and while she went away she also slept with someone.

    I forgave her because I knew I had driven her to that! but we resolved our problems and within 2 years we were very happy again and claimed the experience made us stronger, over the last 1 year she has been complaining that im not working enough (30 hour week) and I never want to do anything other than spend time together, I explained I am content in our relationship and its what she asked from me when we had the infidelity I caused, she wanted me to stop getting into trouble and just be a nice homely boyfriend, we have been trying for a baby recently and over the last few months things have took a turn, I had been working nights, her days, we had no time together, and we started to get snappy with each other about things, 3 weeks ago we split after a huge argument about our relationship, she says I never do anything with her, im lazy and an embarrassment to her, ( I agree I could have done more, but I thought we were ok and just taking it easy)

    I left and moved 150+ miles away to where my parents live and she stays at home and continues her normal structured life, I am rebuilding a new life in a scary new place starting from the bottom (parents house).

    Ive tried to contact her and explain my mistakes and I will contribute more to the relationship, and she said she just wants to be her not us and to give her space, I had to travel back up to where we lived to see friends a week later and I invited her out to dinner, she said she is not ready to see me yet and wants to keep moving forward.i took her flowers and left them at the door and a note explaining why our relationship has failed and what we can do to put it right we had a bit of a row and stoped communication, she basically says its all words and no action.

    I messaged her in weekness last night and said that I miss her and we need to put things right before it is too late in so many words and she replied she is happy at the moment she does love me but wants to just be her right now.

    She is a very stubborn lady, she has always got what she wants in our relationship and has always kinda kept me down, she doesn't support my career interests she just wants results etc, but I love her, and she does love me. the moment we broke up she started posting on instagram out with friends like look at me im having so much fun, she keeps herself busy works late, goes gym, sees friends, goes away at weekend and I believe she avoids thinking about our problems and pushes on.

    after our texts today, I explained to her that I am currently feeling the grieve from our relationship and she isn't, and she is occupying her mind to avoid it (she has always behaved like this when there is an emotional challenge) I explained to her that this is doing lasting damage to our deep love and it needs to stop before its too late to go back. I have a good understanding of her mind and mindset as we have been together for so long, we just stoped communicating and that's what has put us here. She is avoiding any spoken or in person communication and is hot and cold with text messages. she is active on social media a lot but I don't engage. she seems to be posting lots of unnatural, im having fun snaps. which is not normally her thing.

    im now giving her space until the end of the week, she is going to receive flowers with a time and place nearby and a little note to say we need to put this right, and I will wait there and hope she arrives. if she doesn't... I think I may have to just go no contact and accept she is gone. it is so painful.

    If she doesn't arrive, should I send her a picture of me waiting on the bridge for her and tell her how devastated I am,? do I tell her im devastated? id like some advise on where to go next. do I go no contact and hope she moves through these phases and understands this is a mistake, I believe if she does, she still won't speak up as she is stubborn. she acting very our of character than she normally would which would fit well with he steps of a dumper. relief, look at me im having so much fun etc etc.

    I need this process to speed up so we can just get back together, she knows deep down we were in it till the end. we were so in Love a few weeks ago.

    any advise would be great, id be happy to give more info, or background and keep you guys updated with progress :)

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You are being way too pushy. Skip the flowers and the pathetic photo of you on a bridge waiting for her. She seems done with you and you really need to go no contact and actually mean it. She can find you if she wants to. Back off, leave her alone. Work on eliminating the neediness you have, it's not a good trait for anyone.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    No.
    Just No.
    Do not do the photo on the bridge thing. Do not text her again. Do not speak with her again. This is over. You've split up and moved away. Is there someone in the background feeding you lies that you might get back together (some friend who isn't being real with you, for example)? This is a total no-go. Please don't delude yourself anymore. You're in different parts of your lives and both very incompatible. You're also being disrespectful by minimizing her happiness. If she appears happy, believe it.

    What you can do is start meeting new people and engaging in more fulfilling hobbies. You're down in a deep dark place and spiraling even further down. This is not the way to go. Stop the madness. Do not proceed. Whatever direction you're heading in, go in the opposite direction. I'm very sorry you're in so much pain. The best thing you can do for yourself is acknowledge it and don't lie to yourself anymore. Accept that it's over and be in a healthier frame of mind, work on you, be happy being yourself and fulfilling your own goals.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry for all this.

    My main advice is to do the thing it sounds like you've struggled to do for a while, which is to listen to her. Not an easy thing to do, right now, since what she has to say is exactly what you don't want to hear. But you need to hear it, to listen.

    She has told you, repeatedly, that she wants space, that she wants to move forward, that she does not want to see you, that she is done. Listen to that. Accept those truths to be just as valid as any truth of yours. You may call that "stubborn" because it's not what you want, but it is not actually stubbornness. It is her expressing her feelings, and what she wants. Don't dismiss that because it lands like an axe. To respond to that with texts and flowers and sweet gestures actually geared toward manipulating her to feel things as you do is to disrespect her truth—and, in the process, to disrespect yourself and your reality. The message all that sends is that you value your feelings above hers, and something tells me that is a message she is familiar with, and exhausted by.

    You would be far better served, right now, by channeling the energy you're putting into trying to get her to see things your way into yourself. Give yourself some real time to reflect on things, because, honestly, things between you sound like they've been unraveling for a good while. She feels like you have become a weight, slowing things down and holding her back. Sounds like you are not in total disagreement with that, and you're not going to magically transform in a week. Also sounds like you feel "kept down" by the relationship, which is not a good way to feel inside a relationship or in your own skin. That both of you have been unfaithful—a thing "kept down" people do when they react destructively to feeling kept down—shows that things have been rocky for a good stretch.

    I know it's hard. Your heart and your ego are shattered right now, you're having a new epiphany about everything every minute, and right now it seems like getting her back is the solution. But it's not. It's a bandaid. She sees that, and what you are defining as her "avoiding" feelings is actually her working to repair herself without you rather than using you as a bandaid. I suggest you do the same. It might not bring you guys back together—and, with some space, you may come to see that that's not the best move right now—but it will put you back together, and until you are put back together no amount of texts or flowers is going to do the trick.

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  6. #5
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    You've already tried the flowers and message thing and all it did was turn her off.

    Trying yet again will do nothing but annoy her more.

    Look, she's been in a relationship with you since she was a child. It's not unusual for someone to want to experience life outside of a childhood relationship.

    Please give her the space she obviously needs. She knows you want her back. You have to let her decide for herself.

  7. #6
    thanks for the feedback it does help massively. I shall pull back and focus on me, ill go no contact while we both become our own people. ill update on my personal progress if anyone is interested.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by bobsyauncle
    I explained to her that I am currently feeling the grieve from our relationship and she isn't, and she is occupying her mind to avoid it (she has always behaved like this when there is an emotional challenge) I explained to her that this is doing lasting damage to our deep love and it needs to stop before its too late to go back.
    Dude. I know you are hurt and bewildered, but you don't get to tell her how to live her life now that she is single. It doesn't need to stop. Your relationship is already over, my friend, and she isn't going out and telling herself, "Oh, my ex who I dumped won't like this, I better cut it out." She doesn't care if you don't like it; she isn't working toward reconciliation so how she conducts herself is her business. You come across as condescending and controlling, though I am sure that's not your intention, but you don't know her own mind better than she does. If you did, you likely wouldn't have been so shocked that she broke up with you. Her current behaviour isn't about you. It's about her being single and letting her hair down after spending a large portion of her life in a relationship. I know it's hard for you to believe it, and it's more palatable to try to convince yourself she's so upset that she's just distracting herself - but she's having fun.

    You are correct that she isn't grieving the way you are, though. Dumpers rarely do, because they were gearing up for the split before their exes realized that the relationship was coming to an end. They were the ones who wanted out, who already processed the new direction their lives were about to take. I can nearly guarantee you that she wasn't so in love just a few weeks ago. She might have been going through the motions, yes, but her feelings were no longer as strong as yours.

    Having said all of this - please listen to the other posters here. Do not embarrass yourself by sending more flowers and a message and then a photo of you being lonely on a bridge. This isn't the movies, man. You will kick yourself later for that. No woman wants to have to tell a man more than once to back off. You are being too pushy and not really listening to what she is saying. Respect the fact that she is a grown woman now, capable of making decisions that work for her. You might not agree with those decisions, but you should at the very least respect her ability to choose for herself.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bobsyauncle
    thanks for the feedback it does help massively. I shall pull back and focus on me, ill go no contact while we both become our own people. ill update on my personal progress if anyone is interested.
    I'd be interested to know if you followed thru with this and how you are feeling.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Focus on your new place, your new life, your new job, etc. Strive to get your own apt when you get on your feet. Do the best you can to get your credit improved, secure full-time work you enjoy, etc. Her complaints had a lot to do with these issues, so you would improve your life when you address these.

    Give her space. Let her contact you and do not resort to stalking or manipulation. Sometimes people grow apart, sometimes the time comes when they are incompatible.
    Originally Posted by bobsyauncle
    I left and moved 150+ miles away to where my parents live , I am rebuilding a new life

  11. #10
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    I think you need to really focus on yourself pulling your life together. Start with deciding what you want to do with your life. Because it seems like you're expecting this relationship to complete your happiness. I think you play games. So many times guys cheat on their girlfriends and then tell them about it or try to get caught as a game. To tell the other person, "See! I AM WANTED!". But it never works out the way you want. Being together for 14 years doesn't mean a relationship is good. Or healthy. You still have to do the work. To improve yourself and grow to keep the other person interested in you. Don't get needy. Saying things like "I explained to her that this is doing lasting damage to our DEEP LOVE and it needs to stop.". Sounds very needy. And guys being needy to girls is a huge turnoff. You need to do things that will change your situation and become independent. This alone will bring happiness to you. You said she had the mortgage because you couldn't. Make it a goal maybe. Learn a trade. But don't keep taking the path of least resistance.

    But don't keep hoping for something that will likely not happen.


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