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Great first date, and now I’m ghosted. I think.


PatPatPat

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Hi everyone,

 

So I had been talking to this guy online and we decided to meet last Saturday.

 

He is a chef, and he taught me how to make sushi. We had so much fun cooking together, and I felt we had great connection. After that, we went to his bedroom to eat while watching a film. When we were done eating we lied down and he started playing with my hair. He hugged me and kissed me. Things started getting a bit heated up and we kept touching each other but we didn’t do “it”. Anyway, I left his place after the film finished and he said goodbye kissing me on the lips.

 

We didn’t talk to each other yesterday at all. He didn’t message, I didn’t message.

 

I feel like he’s just not into me. Should I bother saying hello? I feel like it’d be awkward now. I don’t know. I really like this guy, so it feels all weird.

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It depends on his personality.

 

Is he the outgoing type or shy type? Maybe he felt just as awkward as you about messaging?

 

Ideally, most women do like it when a man messages them after a date. But maybe this guy was expecting to hear from you?

Worst case scenario is that he isn't into you.

 

The only way you'll know for certain is to message him. But if it's going to bother you that he didn't message first, then just let it go,

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It depends on his personality.

 

Is he the outgoing type or shy type? Maybe he felt just as awkward as you about messaging?

 

Ideally, most women do like it when a man messages them after a date. But maybe this guy was expecting to hear from you?

Worst case scenario is that he isn't into you.

 

The only way you'll know for certain is to message him. But if it's going to bother you that he didn't message first, then just let it go,

 

I don’t mind texting first. In fact I always text first, so I wanted to see what happened if I didn’t lol. I’m not sure if he’s the shy type. There were a couple more details that I didn’t include because I’m not sure if it’s allowed. I’m 29 and this has left me feeling clueless about dating. Ugh.

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So, I know you don't want to hear this, but I'll be a little blunt here: making sushi at his house and going into his bedroom to "watch a film" was all code for him wanting sex.

 

That's 3rd date or later kind of stuff.

 

First time meeting? Always a public place, always a coffee, a glass of wine, maybe some appetizers. Maybe dinner if it feels right. But never, never, never go into someone's home that you haven't already met. I know, you probably googled the heck out of him, you felt safe, yada yada. It's still not a good idea. Let's say he's the safest guy in the world.....you still left very little for him to work towards, and you didn't give him the one thing he really wanted.

 

If you want to text him, go ahead. But be prepared for more of this: he invites you over for a glass of wine so he can "teach" you a cooking skill, you end up in the bedroom, and sooner or later, you're either going to give inn and have sex, or he's just going to stop responding to the texts.

 

Sorry to be so blunt. I know this is hurtful. Ask me how I know. :stung:

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So, I know you don't want to hear this, but I'll be a little blunt here: making sushi at his house and going into his bedroom to "watch a film" was all code for him wanting sex.

 

That's 3rd date or later kind of stuff.

 

First time meeting? Always a public place, always a coffee, a glass of wine, maybe some appetizers. Maybe dinner if it feels right. But never, never, never go into someone's home that you haven't already met. I know, you probably googled the heck out of him, you felt safe, yada yada. It's still not a good idea. Let's say he's the safest guy in the world.....you still left very little for him to work towards, and you didn't give him the one thing he really wanted.

 

If you want to text him, go ahead. But be prepared for more of this: he invites you over for a glass of wine so he can "teach" you a cooking skill, you end up in the bedroom, and sooner or later, you're either going to give inn and have sex, or he's just going to stop responding to the texts.

 

Sorry to be so blunt. I know this is hurtful. Ask me how I know. :stung:

 

I’m confused because I wouldn’t have minded doing it on the first date. We didn’t do it not because I didn’t want to, but because it just... didn’t happen. He was the one being all over me, but also didn’t really let me touch him there? I don’t know.

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I’m confused because I wouldn’t have minded doing it on the first date. We didn’t do it not because I didn’t want to, but because it just... didn’t happen. He was the one being all over me, but also didn’t really let me touch him there? I don’t know.

 

Going over to a literal strangers house for the first date is dangerous. He probably wanted a booty call not a girlfriend.

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I'm assuming you mean sexual. If so...it's up to you if you're comfortable enough to share.

 

Well, we were kissing and he was the one who started the touching. I felt over his pants that he got hard, and then he excused himself and went to the bathroom. I was standing up to check on my phone meanwhile and then he hugged me from behind, and he undressed me but left my underwear on. We got back in bed and he left his clothes on the whole time. He tried to go down on me but I didn’t let him cause I was feeling self conscious. I tried to take his pants/underwear off but he wouldn’t let me. I also felt he didn’t get hard again, and I’m not sure if it was because of me or he just couldn’t. He did make me cum with his fingers and he was definitely into it. So that’s why I’m so confused I guess. I’ve never been in that situation -shrug-

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I’m confused because I wouldn’t have minded doing it on the first date. We didn’t do it not because I didn’t want to, but because it just... didn’t happen. He was the one being all over me, but also didn’t really let me touch him there? I don’t know.

 

He knows this. He knows you would've done it. You were trying to touch him "there", and he stopped it. Shows he has some character.

 

You left him nothing to work towards. No challenge. Just, invite her over, get her into bed, and......she's just like a zillion other girls out there who'll have sex with me on the first meet. Next.

 

Nothing to be confused about here.

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As LHGirl says, totally unsafe to go to a guy's place on the first date. Ever hear of Bill Cosby? Roofies? Plus, kissing him and his playing with your hair has you feeling a lot more invested since you ramped up closeness with a mere stranger. Keep future first and second dates to being out in the public. See if a guy really wants to get to know you and has the same dating goals as you, and if he is patient about going toward intimacy, then maybe he's seeing about the possibility of long term, if that's your goal. Don't go to each other's homes until you're emotionally ready to have sex with him.

 

I think guys who are into you will make that crystal clear. He will want to snap you up before any other smart man has the chance to, and will make sure you know he wants to see you again. He hasn't. I wouldn't contact him. If he happens to contact you again, insist on dates outside of his home until you feel certain his mind isn't solely on the sex prize.

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To be honest, Pat..it sounds more like a one night stand and not one with any emotional connection.

 

He could possibly message you, but it would be more for another sexual encounter. The fact that he wasn't hard really does confuse me though.

 

Either way, you really ought to be more safe.

 

Are you wanting just a casual relationship?

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To be honest, Pat..it sounds more like a one night stand and not one with any emotional connection.

 

He could possibly message you, but it would be more for another sexual encounter. The fact that he wasn't hard really does confuse me though.

 

Either way, you really ought to be more safe.

 

Are you wanting just a casual relationship?

 

Very well put and I agree with the others who said the same thing. You're so lucky. I was assaulted when I went back to a guy's place on our first real date after a first meet where he was too handsy in public. But I wanted to be "cool" and he was so handsome, successful. Ick. My behavior is cringe worthy and I didn't agree to be assaulted (yes I told him in advance no sex). He went on from what I heard from friends and acquaintances over the years to harass several women and he got himself kicked off Eharmony I ran into him 9 years later. I hadn't changed much looks wise and had an unusual last name too which he knew. He'd also contacted me via dating websites once or twice over the years with charming lines like "why are you still single" to which I replied "why are you still lying about your age??"

 

Anyway -he didn't recognize me, didn't recognize my name. Meaning it was so not memorable to him to hold down a women's wrists behind her head and try to have sex with her in his bedroom after she shouted NO three times and tried to get free (on the third NO he let me go) because obviously he'd done similar many other times. No he wasn't drunk. I wasn't either -completely sober.

 

You're lucky and I know you were willing to have sex and please read the responses as far as the impression you're giving -an impression you may not want to give.

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To be honest, Pat..it sounds more like a one night stand and not one with any emotional connection.

 

He could possibly message you, but it would be more for another sexual encounter. The fact that he wasn't hard really does confuse me though.

 

Either way, you really ought to be more safe.

 

Are you wanting just a casual relationship?

 

Well I don’t meet someone in hopes of only having a committed relationship. I’m fine with something casual. I just really liked this guy and it seemed like we were on the same page about a lot of things. I’m not dumb and I know when a guy is into me, and he was. But him not getting hard again after going to the bathroom was weird and I feel he was self conscious too about not being able to do it because of his reactions. I don’t know. Lol

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Well I don’t meet someone in hopes of only having a committed relationship. I’m fine with something casual. I just really liked this guy and it seemed like we were on the same page about a lot of things. I’m not dumb and I know when a guy is into me, and he was. But him not getting hard again after going to the bathroom was weird and I feel he was self conscious too about not being able to do it because of his reactions. I don’t know. Lol

 

Yes LOL about going to a stranger's apartment - were you up for maybe being robbed or gang raped too? Of course you can tell when a guy wants to have intercourse with you. But as far as being able to tell whether he wants to date you-only way you know is if he asks you out on a date (which he didn't -this was the first time you met, right/) or if he accepts your offer for a date. You don't know whether you're on the same page as a near stranger. He may have been into you for intercourse, at that moment and enjoyed cooking with you and hanging out with you. Doesn't mean he wants to see you again -it's easy enough for him to find other women who are fun to cook with and then have sex with.

 

I'm not blaming you as the potential victim at all - had you been a victim it would not have been your fault. And since you're "not dumb" how about making smarter choices even if you're up for a casual dating arrangement?

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Even if you want just a casual relationship/fling, he should have taken out for a real date, in a public place, as others said, he's a stranger, try to be more safe.

 

This seems to be more like a one night stand thing, he may text you, probably asking you to come over to his place.

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Well I don’t meet someone in hopes of only having a committed relationship. I’m fine with something casual. I just really liked this guy and it seemed like we were on the same page about a lot of things. I’m not dumb and I know when a guy is into me, and he was. But him not getting hard again after going to the bathroom was weird and I feel he was self conscious too about not being able to do it because of his reactions. I don’t know. Lol

 

It sounds like you both just wanted casual sex. It also sounds like he went to the bathroom to "take care" of himself. He may not have wanted to risk STD's with you. Again, shows at least some decency of character.

 

Just keep swiping right on Tinder, and you'll find your sex somewhere else.

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Here's the thing: If you're genuinely fine with something casual you wouldn't be thinking about this, posting here. Because all that? That's the definition of "something casual." You made sushi with a stranger, got a little randy, with the randy part being more awkward than not, as often happens when strangers get randy. Whatever it is you "really like" about this guy is 90 percent generated by your imagination, and 10 percent generated by whatever went down 30 or so hours ago. People who are fine with something casual know that math from the get-go, and the most orgasmic of nights does not change that math, while the nights that are a little clunky, as this one was, tend to change the math.

 

I'm not going to read you any sort of riot act about first date randiness. I've done it plenty. Some led to 2nd dates and more, some did not. So it goes. But if you can't have that attitude—like, for real—there are more of these moments on the horizon.

 

He might text you again, he might not. You can certainly text him. It kind of does't matter with casual.

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Try to meet and stay in public for the first several dates, unless you want netflix and chill type dates or almost-hookups like this. Decide what you want out of dating.

 

Also first meets are often one-and-done. Even if it seemingly went well, you both are not exclusive and still talking to and meeting others.

 

Don't chase him. he knows your contact info. Next time meet sooner and do not chitchat too long before meeting.

we decided to meet last Saturday. we went to his bedroom to eat while watching a film. Things started getting a bit heated up and we kept touching each other but we didn’t do “it”.
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Sounds like a one-night stand. Safety issues aside, you didn't win or lose any opportunities going to his house on the first date. If he'd invited you over and you countered with, "Let's do coffee instead," he wouldn't have been all, "FINALLY A WOMAN I CAN RESPECT AND TRULY DATE." And if he's one of the stark minority making that kind of distinction despite being the one actually inviting women over, he'd be a chauvinist. In which case, it'd be good riddance.

 

Coffee dates are advisable not because a guy who otherwise wouldn't take you seriously then would. It's because it filters out the guys you wouldn't have a chance with if you did want to actually date them. In other words, if a guy just wants a one-night stand, he's not meeting a lady in Starbucks at 11:00am. If he's open to dating, he'll be fine with either. A good lay is icing on the cake, not a turn-off. Not that your dating should center on it, nor should you do it if you're not comfortable with it.

 

In this case, it sounds like there could have been some awkwardness around your being self-conscious for part of it. Again, a perfectly justified way to feel with a dude you don't know trying to go down on you. Still, it sounds like a one-night stand to me, but if you want to cut through any potential tension or doubts, you could text him telling him you had a great night with him. If he wants to meet up again, he can take it from there. I would suggest an actual date though, should it come to that. I'd be ready for either him not being interested or another invite to his place, though.

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Honestly, I just wanted some insight on his behavior. I was not expecting to be lectured on why it’s a bad idea to go to his house. Also, I’ve been sexually assaulted by someone I did not date, he was a tattoo artist. And he assaulted me in a public place while giving me a tattoo. Don’t make my question turn into a rape discussion. You can get assaulted by your partner, so yeah. I know I have to be careful. I made sure several friends knew exactly where I was, and I make sure someone keeps tabs on me to know I’m safe.

 

I also didn’t want to marry the guy or something. And thanks to everyone trying to imply I’m an “easy” girl just because I let myself go this time. For a forum called “not alone”, most people have done a great job making me feel more alone than I was an hour ago, lol.

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Try not to take it personally, Pat. There are all sorts of different opinions given. Take from it what works for you.

The people mentioning about being careful though, are worried about your well being. They aren't trying to be condescending.

 

You obviously sound as though you know what you're doing. That being said, not sure about this guy. I do think he was into you, at least during the date, perhaps he felt more comfortable doing his business in the bathroom and then pleasuring you.

 

If you're comfortable messaging him, try it out and see if you get a positive response.

It really is what works best for you.

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