Jump to content

Where to fish??


valencia489

Recommended Posts

Background, I’m 42, divorced with two young daughters (5 and 3). I work a full time job and have a business on the side that keeps me busy.

 

I’ve just recently, after having been divorced two years, felt like getting back out there. Question is...where’s out there? Lol.

 

I guess I’m having trouble meeting new people. Any tips on where to look. I’ve found that I’m in the typical position of constantly being set up by friends who feel they have someone perfect for me, only to find that perfect means they’re also single, lonely, female and has a pulse.

 

I don’t have a problem putting myself out there. I’m outgoing so I don’t mind finding someone on my own. Just need a little direction on where to start?

Link to comment

Dating apps won't always get you quality dates, just be aware of that. I know lots on this site have had the displeasure of finding that out.

 

Wiseman has some good suggestions of where to meet women.

In person and getting to know women locally through hobbies etc, gives you a much better chance at finding someone worthwhile.

Link to comment
That last one is the one I really want to avoid. But I guess dating apps are the in thing now?

 

Well I'm personally kind of anti online dating, even though you're right in saying that they're a huge thing now. I'd done quite a lot of online dating and I'm an attractive, bubbly educated girl with a career. However I never actually had a relationship from online. I only had dates that never went anywhere. I know some of my friends that had similar experiences, but also a few people I know did find their spouse online. The problem with online dating it's very time consuming. For a busy parent of two small children, who works full-time, it may end up taking a lot of time with no pay off. But one good thing about online dating is that you can see their profile beforehand and you can "screen" them.

 

My advice would be to do things where you could meet more than one person in one go and just expand your social circles in general. Because if you meet new friends, you then might end up dating their friends. I think Meetup.com is really good because you can join all kinds of groups and many people go to them. What kinds of hobbies and interests do you have? Really you can join any social groups or classes. It doesn't have to be only Meetup.

Link to comment

Just to a present counterargument:

 

I met plenty of "quality" women from online dating, and can thank those devilish apps for introducing me to my girlfriend (and I thank her friends for nudging her to give it a go, as I learned she was deeply skeptical of the whole thing). She's a mom, a boss, runs 10 or so miles through mountain trails on weekend mornings, hardly the cliche of the damaged thirst traps people imagine swiping through and chatting with in exchange for bartering away a little sliver of their soul. I do live in a massive metropolis, which probably ups the diversity quotient, but I hardly felt like I was sifting through the rubble to meet interesting people.

 

I also have never understood the idea that online dating is time consuming or stressful. You match with people, exchange ten text messages, set up a date. That takes maybe 15 minutes. Then you have cup of coffee or glass of wine with a stranger. I like talking to strangers at bars and coffee shops, and approached it in much the same way: a pleasant encounter that could go any which way, all of them fine. I had a rich life away from all that, so it never felt particularly pressurized. Think it's all only "totally weird" if you make it that, and only you know how your brain works.

 

So, yeah, aside from the above advice about upping the chances for encounters in the wilds of reality, I wouldn't toss out the dating apps. They're easy—and, hey, a fine way for a busy guy to dip a toe back into the world of "back out there" without a lot of agony. Good way to shake off the rust, at the very least.

Link to comment

Of course in-person is great but add dating apps to your dating portfolio. Nothing to lose but a few messages, a few hours and a few cups of coffee. Keep it simple, but it helps you break into dating again.

 

Here are some recommendations: https://www.askmen.com/dating/online-dating-sites/best-dating-sites-for-people-over-40.html

That last one is the one I really want to avoid. But I guess dating apps are the in thing now?
Link to comment

Just a warning, OLD is not a magic bullet. There are problems attached to it. Flaky people, people whom seem interested ghost on you, people who just want your attention, or a penpal, crazies, people with mental issues, people putting old photos on their profile, fat chicks disguising their weight with over the head shots, married women/men trolling for action. And depending on your demographics, the pick can be pathetic. It can have a negative effect on you if your expectations are high or you are sensitive. I post a lot over at the L Shack and the boards are full of discouraged people from the online stuff.

 

It's very daunting to be starting over again. I would suggest meeting people through friends, parties, events, or a social group. If you have an interest, try meeting people through that. My friend met her husband through an online video game of all things...she was in her 30s.

Link to comment

I met my husband online on a dating app. You'll have to be a bit sharp and on your toes. Don't do it in a lonely phase or if you're desperate for love. The pool is much wider and there is far more of a mish mash over every span of Tom, Mick, Harry and Jane.

 

Remember - the bigger the neighbourhood (scope), the bigger the potential to meet weirdos. There is nothing wrong, imo, about online dating. You just can't be here-nor-there yourself about it. Know yourself. Don't be rude to others, screen the profiles, don't go for no photo profiles or ones that don't have a write up. Do not text or dm for weeks and weeks on end without meeting. I'd suggest you meet as soon as possible. If you're jittery, scared, nervous, have self-esteem issues, no confidence, don't bother. This is not for the weak of heart or weak of stomach or the faint-hearted.

 

OP, if you're just getting your feet wet, I'd suggest joining some local activities and mingle around some like-minded individuals. Start learning how to exchange ideas and hold your own in social settings, building your confidence if that's what you feel you need. Don't date anywhere (online or not) if you're not feeling good about yourself overall. You sound happy and balanced though. If you do feel confident enough to try dating online, I think it's just one option available out of many. It does open up multiple neighbourhoods to you, so to speak. Like I said, just be smart about it and don't be afraid.

Link to comment
I met my husband online on a dating app. You'll have to be a bit sharp and on your toes. Don't do it in a lonely phase or if you're desperate for love. The pool is much wider and there is far more of a mish mash over every span of Tom, Mick, Harry and Jane.

 

Remember - the bigger the neighbourhood (scope), the bigger the potential to meet weirdos. There is nothing wrong, imo, about online dating. You just can't be here-nor-there yourself about it. Know yourself. Don't be rude to others, screen the profiles, don't go for no photo profiles or ones that don't have a write up. Do not text or dm for weeks and weeks on end without meeting. I'd suggest you meet as soon as possible. If you're jittery, scared, nervous, have self-esteem issues, no confidence, don't bother. This is not for the weak of heart or weak of stomach or the faint-hearted.

 

OP, if you're just getting your feet wet, I'd suggest joining some local activities and mingle around some like-minded individuals. Start learning how to exchange ideas and hold your own in social settings, building your confidence if that's what you feel you need. Don't date anywhere (online or not) if you're not feeling good about yourself overall. You sound happy and balanced though. If you do feel confident enough to try dating online, I think it's just one option available out of many. It does open up multiple neighbourhoods to you, so to speak. Like I said, just be smart about it and don't be afraid.

 

I agree with all of this. I didn't meet my husband through on line dating sites but met many quality people that way plus several friends met their spouses that way (and my husband was on dating sites before we got together and he certainly is quality LOL)

 

I also like the local activities suggestion and highly recommend volunteering backstage at local community theater groups.

Link to comment

To each his own but, personally, I would never engage in OLD. Too afraid of meeting crazies and I've dealt with enough of those IRL. I would suggest Meetup groups or take some interesting classes. That way, you get to actually see real people right away and not waste time "screening" individuals. Again, that's just my opinion.

Link to comment

I dated almost exclusively using OLD as I am more of an introvert and a bit shy when it comes to meeting new people... the idea of putting myself out there at meetups and things was absolutely terrifying to me. I went on lots of dates... some good, some not so good, some downright strange... the key I learned is to let go of expectations of a particular outcome and just enjoy the process of getting to know someone.

 

That said I met my current BF through friends, we had known each other for a few months before we went on a date, both had a secret crush on the other that was totally unexpected.

 

Just be clear on what you are looking for... whether it’s casual or a relationship... and don’t invest time or energy into anyone that has major red flags.

Link to comment
To each his own but, personally, I would never engage in OLD. Too afraid of meeting crazies and I've dealt with enough of those IRL. I would suggest Meetup groups or take some interesting classes. That way, you get to actually see real people right away and not waste time "screening" individuals. Again, that's just my opinion.

 

I met many men who acted like jerks in real life at clubs, bars, singles events or who ended up being unstable/rude when we had a real date. I found it more pleasant to meet in person ASAP after screening over the phone and that way I would see a real person right away in a situation where we could actually talk and get to know whether we should go on a real date. Certainly meeting someone through a shared activity is awesome and for me dating sites supplemented that. I have several lovely people who met through OLD and are married with children or in long term committed relationships -one got married in 2001, another have been common law since around 2006, and another married in 2004. And that's just off the top of my head. And their kids are lovely too. I wouldn't do OLD exclusively but I think it's a great alternative. I met many lovely guys through OLD

Link to comment
I met many men who acted like jerks in real life at clubs, bars, singles events or who ended up being unstable/rude when we had a real date. I found it more pleasant to meet in person ASAP after screening over the phone and that way I would see a real person right away in a situation where we could actually talk and get to know whether we should go on a real date. Certainly meeting someone through a shared activity is awesome and for me dating sites supplemented that. I have several lovely people who met through OLD and are married with children or in long term committed relationships -one got married in 2001, another have been common law since around 2006, and another married in 2004. And that's just off the top of my head. And their kids are lovely too. I wouldn't do OLD exclusively but I think it's a great alternative. I met many lovely guys through OLD

 

Yes, Batya, there are plenty of jerks in real life, I agree. I haven't dated in over 30 years (yikes!) so I suppose I am more old fashioned. I believe, however, that I might get a better feel for a person IRL. Well, guess that's not true either but I am so unfamiliar/afraid of doing the OLD thing. For right now, I'll stay on my own! LOL I couldn't deal with dating on-line or IRL. Perhaps in the future?? Who knows?

Link to comment
Yes, Batya, there are plenty of jerks in real life, I agree. I haven't dated in over 30 years (yikes!) so I suppose I am more old fashioned. I believe, however, that I might get a better feel for a person IRL. Well, guess that's not true either but I am so unfamiliar/afraid of doing the OLD thing. For right now, I'll stay on my own! LOL I couldn't deal with dating on-line or IRL. Perhaps in the future?? Who knows?

 

I agree with you! I always get a better feel for people IRL. Which is why I met IRL asap and used the dating site only for safety screening plus "would I be comfortable meeting this person for about 45 minutes" (less time consuming and more convenient that certain other singles related events). I am very traditional and traditionally women often went on blind dates. Similar here with dating sites except that now there are photos, phone calls etc -in the old days of the 80s you met without a photo typically and maybe a quick phone call.

Certainly if you're not interested in dating then using a dating site is the worst idea. It's really time consuming and can be annoying/stressful. Had I not wanted marriage and family I never would have tried it or the many other ways I met people when looking for a husband.

Link to comment
I would never engage in OLD. Too afraid of meeting crazies and I've dealt with enough of those IRL.

 

I did OLD more then 10 years ago, specifically eharmony because I liked the idea that it was expensive & time consuming to fill out their compatibility questionnaire. In my mind, I hoped that would cut out the guys who only wanted easy sex. I figured I could get that in any bar, why pay for it. lol

 

I hated OLD & only did it for 90 days (the shortest subscription I could buy) There was so much rejection & disappointment. Of the 3 men I met all were socially awkward & not guys I would have dated had I met them IRL. All were good "on paper" -- not crazy, well educated, good jobs etc.

 

I have heard many horror stories. I think the best approach is to meet sooner rather than later in a public place for a short duration. Think of the initial encounter as a "meet" not a date; have low expectations. The meet is more about determining if there is enough of a spark to justify a date.

 

I would never tell somebody to rule out OLD altogether but rather to use it as one possible tool. It's not the basket in which to put all one's eggs. Ironically when I was on the one site, my future husband was on a different site & we were outside of each other's ranges.

Link to comment

I did a free trial on Eharmony. One guy contacted me personally because he figured out in my major city that based on what I wrote I must be one of two people with my first name (the other woman was married) -we met, we knew people in common, he just wanted sex. We're connected on Linkedin now! My friend dated someone who lied to her about his marital status/age/background who was then kicked off Eharmony. I used two paid sites when I did OLD from around 2000-2005 or so. Before that I did personal ads on and off. Met over 100 men in person.

Link to comment

Meeting jerks is just part of the process....there just happens to be more on the dating sites. And ya even in the old days dating sucked. I don't think too much has changed in that dept.

 

I agree with the others meet someone through friends, social events, hobbies. I met my husband through friends.

Link to comment
Best piece of advice I ever received in that regard was to become a regular at a local restaurant/bar. This actually works.

 

"Where everybody knows your name...." Yes that can work if it's frequented by singles in one's age group and/or if it's a very familiar place where you can chat with people who then might introduce you to single people. I like the idea of becoming a regular somewhere where mingling is organic/natural. That's what I liked about my weekly volunteer work I did for 7 years.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...