Ex still bad mouthing me after nearly 5 years split.

Just that really, I played golf at the weekend with another dad from my daughters school. I know my ex bad mouths me because for the last year when I meet people at school they are very nice and friendly. Then I see them talking to the ex and all of a sudden they want nothing to do with me and can barely say hello at the school gates.

Anyway my golfing buddy tells me the ex was at a kids party with her new boyfriend last week, after a few gin and tonics the ex spent an hour "slagging me off." Im told it made everyone uncomfortable. I didnt ask what she said because I know deep down it will just make it worse.

I cannot for the life of me work out why she still wastes her energy on me. Im going to be married next year, shes had a new fella for about 6 months. honestly ?

It ended badly, I tried everything I could to save the marriage but she was far more interested in "winning" and I eventually gave up. She's spent the last 5 years trying to remove me as a parent. Its getting me down, my partner and I have 4 kids between us so its not like life isnt hard enough. Its making my partner insanely angry, shes been first had witness to the lies and games over the last few years. Im really worried this is going to escalate.

So far Ive just ignored it and carried on as normal, its been effective because people start to learn what shes like. But its become too much now. Any ideas on how to tackle this? I dont want the ex to know she's getting to me as she'll do it more.

Ignore all the hearsay, gossip and PTA drama. It will make you crazy and there isn't much you can do about it. Many people feel awkward around contentious, battling exes when they have to interact with both. You need to stop obsessing over her. You are damaging your kids and your new relationship with all this hate and hostility and competition.

Im going to be married next year

I would let her hang herself, so to speak.

She is the one making herself look stuck and bitter. She is the one making herself look like a fool. It's been 5 years. I frankly would find it laughable if there weren't kids between you. As for how to tackle this, well, that depends on what she is telling people. What sort of things does she say? Is there something in there that could seriously damage your reputation, either personally or professionally?

I am not sure why your current fiancee is insanely angry. To what extent do your ex's shenanigans affect your current relationship?

I am assuming you have some sort of legal custody arrangement in place?

EDIT: I had a look at your previous threads. A few months ago, you wrote about feelings for your ex-wife returning. Perhaps your fiancee is aware of this, leading her to feel angry and hurt. What has transpired between you and your ex since then?

Yeah for a brief moment she was being nice and I actually thought maybe things were moving in the right direction, I found out shortly after that it was only because the ex wanted to change the court order for holiday, she then went back to the usual spite.

She's been trying to turn our daughter against my soon to be step son. Theyre only 6, what kind of a satanic person does that? my current partner has always just left me to deal with ex, however now that her son has been directly affected by it she's on the war path. There are a few other things, it just seems to never end.

When people try to tell me what she said I cut them off, I dont want to know because I know it will get to me. But I can guess if its anything like the BS she came out with a court.

Now I find myself hiding things from my partner, like I had to pay a fine the other day because ex took daughter out of dance class with no prior notice. Ive just paid it quietly but if my partner finds out she wont be happy, and I understand why. Im just trying keep things quiet and not react too emotionally. There been plenty more of this kind of stuff, especially around school.

Yeah for a brief moment she was being nice and I actually thought maybe things were moving in the right direction, I found out shortly after that it was only because the ex wanted to change the court order for holiday, she then went back to the usual spite.

Moving in the right direction in what sense?

You were questioning whether you had feelings for her. If she hadn't only been buttering you up to change the court order, would you have considered going back to her?

I have a strong hunch that your current fiancee was also suspicious of your true feelings for her. I can understand why she is upset now that her son is involved, but I have to wonder if she was on to you and worried you might still carry a torch for you ex in some way.

How is she trying to turn your daughter against her future stepbrother? What has she been telling her?

No the feelings left just as quickly as the ex's smile. And I remember saying in the last post there is no way in the world I would consider being with the ex, even if I were single. It was the feelings I felt that worried me. I dont see ex unless its holiday time or we both attend a special event at school. Unfortunately my partner is scowled at across the playground everyday.

Moving in the right direction of both parents and partners getting on, co-parenting and working together for the kids.

Your partner will need to ignore the scowls. You can't control the facial expressions of your ex.

What is your ex saying or doing to turn your daughter against your step-son, though?

And have you addressed whatever was at the bottom of your re-surging feelings for your ex, be it lingering fondness or a lack of something within your own relationship?

You have to speak up for your child. Make an appointment to speak to your ex without the kids present. Tell her that it's stressing your child out because of whatever she's saying about the step-son. Adults should not be involving children in adult matters, and mentally abuse their child like this. If anything exists in your court system about mediation where a counselor could advise about these problems, make use of that. See if the court can insist on parenting classes for the both of you if that hasn't happened, upon your request.

Ok you and your child could set up some appts for family therapy. To communicate about the divorce's impact and the ongoing rancor you have with her mother. Also your child will soon have a step family imposed on her so that can also be sorted out in therapy. Your fiance needs to hold her own and be encouraged by you and perhaps a therapist to ignore your ex as well..

There is nothing you can do about your ex/her mother. Except keeping it civil. Ignore neighborhood and school gossip. Make sure a strict custody/visitation schedule is in place by the courts. Have as little to do with your ex and her life, musings, etc as possible. Communicate only about visitation and child related issues. Do not keep tabs on her, her personal life or whatever else is haunting you.

I dont see ex unless its holiday time or we both attend a special event at school. Unfortunately my partner is scowled at across the playground everyday.

No the feelings left just as quickly as the ex's smile. And I remember saying in the last post there is no way in the world I would consider being with the ex, even if I were single. It was the feelings I felt that worried me. I dont see ex unless its holiday time or we both attend a special event at school. Unfortunately my partner is scowled at across the playground everyday.

 

Moving in the right direction of both parents and partners getting on, co-parenting and working together for the kids.

That's not exactly what you said. You described your feelings for your ex down to her "orgasm face". You also said your current partner and you were more like friends without a real "spark".

I would figure all that out before getting married.

BTW, my brother gets all kinds of upset over things his ex says about him and things she does. It's because he still has feelings for her, whether he wants to admit it or not. It's not PC, he's not SUPPOSED to want her, but he does.

No the feelings left just as quickly as the ex's smile. And I remember saying in the last post there is no way in the world I would consider being with the ex, even if I were single. It was the feelings I felt that worried me. I dont see ex unless its holiday time or we both attend a special event at school. Unfortunately my partner is scowled at across the playground everyday.

 

Moving in the right direction of both parents and partners getting on, co-parenting and working together for the kids.

If you were truly over your ex, the only thing you'd feel would be complete indifference. She scowls, so what? She said whatever about you, so what? The way you counter whatever she is saying is by not reacting and be sane and normal (not saying you aren't doing that). Let people sort out what's true and what isn't by observing who you are and who she is. Drop all mutual friends, because they aren't friends, they are pot stirrers sitting on the fence passing gossip back and forth. If want to truly extract yourself then you need to actually remove her from your life socially - mutual friends, clubs, connections all gone. Go build a life that doesn't include her either directly or by proxy.

As for the magical world where everyone gets along, it's good to dream but then there is reality. If your ex hates you, is otherwise disordered, spreading rumors, trying to manipulate your children, etc, etc, etc. Then you drop the idea of all one big happy family and start drawing some serious boundaries around your new life. Co-parent strictly via an app designed for that. Be sure everything is in writing. STOP hiding bs from your soon to be wife. I mean really....you are hiding that you had to pay a fee because you are afraid of conflict. Dude....if this is how you want to act, then are not ready for and should not be getting married or it will be divorce #2 soon enough. Get your head screwed on straight first.

I'm with Wiseman... You all would do well to discuss all of this in family therapy. Is your wife scorned due to you having an affair or something? Why is she holding onto such a grudge?

I don't agree with the folks saying that you are only upset about her behavior because you still have feelings for her! That's painting a judgment with a pretty broad brush!

I would be annoyed if a complete stranger was saying things about me that weren't true... so of course I was annoyed when my ex did it!

My ex also scowls at my new wife (ex is the one who left me for her new relationship that failed).

Do I ignore her? Absolutely. Does it bother me, of course, no one likes to be treated like that! I have however, found that the older my son gets, the more I can laugh about her behavior, becasue he recognizes it also!

I don't agree with the folks saying that you are only upset about her behavior because you still have feelings for her! That's painting a judgment with a pretty broad brush!

 

I would be annoyed if a complete stranger was saying things about me that weren't true... so of course I was annoyed when my ex did it!

 

My ex also scowls at my new wife (ex is the one who left me for her new relationship that failed).

 

Do I ignore her? Absolutely. Does it bother me, of course, no one likes to be treated like that! I have however, found that the older my son gets, the more I can laugh about her behavior, becasue he recognizes it also!

The reason people said that is because he wrote on this forum about his feelings for his ex. He even wrote it in this thread.

I can imagine it's upsetting to still have feelings for someone who treats you poorly. We see that on here all the time...people who "still love" someone who abused them, who cheated, who has substance abuse issues. It's disturbing to think that even with all that, something in them still wants that person.

It's a wonderful day when indifference truly happens. But until that day, things will still be upsetting.

I dated a man whose soon to be ex wife told the board members of the soccer league his daughters played in that he'd sexually abused their youngest daughter. He was banned from attending games and had to sit in his car on the street (not allowed to go in the parking lot even) to watch games from a distance. Now THAT is definitely something to be upset about. The soon to be ex finally came forward and admitted she made it up to get back at him for divorcing her, but the damage was already done. And the people who'd believed her avoided him even though they really had no choice but to ban him. It was a big mess.

But random gossip, name calling, scowling...that's just the ex being childish and immature.

The reason people said that is because he wrote on this forum about his feelings for his ex. He even wrote it in this thread.

 

And once again... Camber does not do his research!

But random gossip, name calling, scowling...that's just the ex being childish and immature.

Agreed.

I don't have very many nice things to say about my ex, so I just don't.

Talking smack about ex's, especially 6 years later is not a pretty look on anyone.

I'm sure her audience might agree.

And once again... Camber does not do his research!

Also camper that little bit you added about your exes relationship failing quite possibly means you, yourself haven’t quite reached indifference. That need to poke, it’s often so natural it isn’t recognized until you reach indifference. Time doesn’t automatically equal indifference despite popular belief

Agreed.

I don't have very many nice things to say about my ex, so I just don't.

Talking smack about ex's, especially 6 years later is not a pretty look on anyone.

I'm sure her audience might agree.

Yep, sounds like both are active participants in this drama and I’m sure her friends and potentially people in his life are quite over the drama if it’s been 5 years...

Sorry guys was a little busy but since you guys were kind enough to post...

Those feelings lasted a couple weeks, maybe it was nostalgia because she was being nice [turns out it was only because she wanted to change holiday dates] But when I sit down and force myself to think about what it would be like to kiss/bewith/be around the ex there really is nothing. So putting all the damage and distance aside I really do know that I dont love her.

So its not so much the fact its her, Im used to her back stabbing me but its at my childs school and theres a part of me that is hurt by it.

Sorry guys was a little busy but since you guys were kind enough to post...

 

Those feelings lasted a couple weeks, maybe it was nostalgia because she was being nice [turns out it was only because she wanted to change holiday dates] But when I sit down and force myself to think about what it would be like to kiss/bewith/be around the ex there really is nothing. So putting all the damage and distance aside I really do know that I dont love her.

So its not so much the fact its her, Im used to her back stabbing me but its at my childs school and theres a part of me that is hurt by it.

By what?....