Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Results 1 to 7 of 7

Thread: Am I going crazy, 33M

  1. #1

    Am I going crazy, 33M

    Looking for opinions and advice for my marriage.

    Dear readers,

    I Am a 33 year old man and originally from England, I moved to the us early 2000 and have been married since 2010 to my American wife.
    We have a 5 year old daughter together and she is a blessing to us.
    The last few years since my wife went back to school have been challenging for us. My wife also works part time and I admire her for her determination and have tried my hardest to be supportive.
    I have been the primary caregiver for our daughter, doctors appointments partyís and day to day care because of my wifeís schedule.
    I recently was sitting with my daughter while she was drawing a picture in a notepad on our counter when I discovered what was essentially a love letter, written by my wife and written about a male colleague of hers.

    In the note she poured out her emotions and confessed her profound love for him, and referred to me as someone who had caged her.
    It was very hurtful, so when my wife came home I asked her about it and she said thatís about you, to which I replied it obviously isnít because of what was written.
    After an hour or so my wife admitted that it was written about her colleague and that she had felt very lonely and would confide in her colleague and how I was not emotionally available. And that she was high when she wrote it and he didnít mean anything to her.

    I accepted this and over the coming week would try to move forward with our relationship, but about a week later I came home from work and my wife said she wanted to separate, I was quite shocked and assumed that it was because she was in love with her married colleague, she said that it was not for that reason but because we donít get along and we are too different.
    I accepted this and talked at length with her about what we would do moving forward.
    4 or so weeks later we had decided to try harder at our relationship especially since we have a child together.

    But one night when I came home her computer was sitting on the counter so I decided to go on it, I found about 9 word documents that she had written confessing her infatuation with her colleague. These documents had been written months ago about four months ago.
    I once again felt very betrayed, and that she was not being honest with me about how she felt.

    I have not mentioned finding this information to her because I tried to tell myself that this was around the time where she says she was lonely and that she wouldnít need to look for that type of attention if I was emotionally available.
    Essentially putting the blame on me for her actions.
    When she is going to school I am doing the vast majority of chores, washing dishes cleaning clothes, bathing our daughter and putting her to bed are done primarily by me, which I do my best at.
    Unfortunately problems arise when I want to cut the grass and my spouse is studying, I am made to feel guilty and told that Iím doing something I want to do, and not supporting her with her studies, I often take my daughter out with me and set her up with a blanket and her tablet or a book, that way I can get the lawn cut and my spouse can study. If my daughter tries to get my wifeís attention my wife will become frustrated at me telling me that I have no idea what itís like to go to school and that I donít help her.
    I feel that it is unfair to prioritise school work over our family but I support my wife and have done throughout our relationship, I just feel that I am never allowed to take any time for myself. Even if it means just to cut the grass.
    Then my wife will tell me that I am selfish and not considerate. And that if this relationship is not what I want that we can separate.
    I feel like this is emotionally abusive I just really donít know what to do anymore and would really appreciate your advice and input.
    Thank you.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Ontario Canada
    Posts
    5,991
    Gender
    Female
    Have you considered or tried couples counseling? It may help you both to sort out your issues.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    central Florida
    Posts
    3,647
    Gender
    Female
    It's never okay to begin a new romantic relationship before ending the one you're already in. Had she ever mentioned what she wanted improved before you found out the secret? If not, that's on her. You've mentioned you asked for reasonable requests, and instead of caring and working together to come up with a plan, she criticizes your character.

    If you want this to work out, ask her to attend couples counseling. If she refuses, I don't think the marriage will succeed, because neither of you have been able to work together with your own skills so that you're each satisfied. In the meantime, think about what kind of custody you want, and begin to gather evidence if you think your daughter will be better off with you having sole custody. If your wife doesn't have the sense to avoid affairs with married men, you will have to be careful about men your daughter will be around if a divorce happens. Who knows what your ex, if she becomes that, will bring around.

    I'm sorry this has happened. Good luck.

  4. #4
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    655
    Gender
    Male
    Tough one. Your wife sounds awful. Constant lying and emotional cheating at best. Sadly I'd hazard a guess she's physically cheating too.

    Shooting you down every single time you ask for help while she's off playing fantasy romance world when she should be focusing on her marriage and family. No excuse for her behaviour. She needs to grow up.

    Again I'd start looking into custody of your daughter and see where you legally stand. If there was no child I'd say walk away right now. I suppose you could ask her to attend marriage counselling but I doubt she would agree. It's not escapism but I'd give her the option. If she cares she will go. If not then you have your answer.


    Good luck.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    35,398
    Gender
    Male
    Are you working full time? Can you afford to move out? She's having an affair and this marriage needs a wake up call. Let her manage the household, childcare more and part-time work and she won't have time for affairs. Never let someone blame their affair on you. Stop listening to nonsense about "supporting her school". What she's doing is keeping you busy so she can have this affair.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Location
    Surrey BC, Canada
    Posts
    1,291
    Gender
    Female
    That's pretty heavy stuff. This has very little to do with your marriage. She simply met a coworker that started out with a flirtation, lunches together, texting in the middle of the night, etc. It happens to a lot of people. This is all her and nothing to do with you. People get crushes all the time, and the majority do not act upon them, but she did. It turns into an addiction. Addicts never take accountability for their actions, they cheat, steal and lie just to get their next hit. This is the same with emotional affairs. She's blaming everything and everyone else for her situation. Denial is the word I'm looking for. I suggest a legal separation. She will get a wakeup call, that her infatuation is not the fairy tale she thought it was. It's going to be an "oh what have I done" moment.

  8. #7
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2019
    Location
    NY
    Age
    59
    Posts
    386
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by smackie9
    She's blaming everything and everyone else for her situation. Denial is the word I'm looking for. I suggest a legal separation. She will get a wakeup call, that her infatuation is not the fairy tale she thought it was. It's going to be an "oh what have I done" moment.
    So TRUE! I went through this with my ex wife, and we had a 2 1/2 year old at the time. She left, asked for a divorce, and her "fairy-tale" new relationship turned into a nightmare.
    You need to let her go, get a good lawyer to make sure you have at least 1/2 time custody, and don't get ripped off by "Child Support"

    DO NOT try to understand her, or give into her, or make things easy for her. Get her out of your life and focus on your child!


Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •